Note: This takes place before 'Read it and Weep'
Three little fillies became way too curious for their own good. And as you know, curiosity killed the cat (or pony in this case). Fortunately, curiosity spared the little fillies and they weren't killed for their mistake, but they still had a price to pay. That price was; the amount that were harmed became four, instead of the three it should've been.
Now, faced with cryptic riddles and puzzles, they must work together utilizing everypony's abilities to solve them, bringing them ever closer to the end. But do they know what will lie at the end? Will they even want to know?
By the way, this is my first story.
(Just thought you'd like to know.)
Chapters (9)
If anyone has suggestions to help me improve my writing, or has found a spelling/grammar mistake, please do comment about it so I can fix it and improve my writing.
Also, if anyone has a better short description, please send me a PM.
Alright. First impressions:
Chapter length. The >1000 word is a bit of a turn off. I'll still read it, it looks interesting.
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The chapters are going to get longer, I'm just waiting for a certain event first.
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KK.
Alright. One person speaking a paragraph. Rule. Use it.
Couple little errors with spacing.
"work." shouldn't be in quotations. It should be 'work' with apostraphes.
This is pretty decent for a first fic. Better then some of the shitfics I've been reading through
Onto chapter two.
Just a wee bit of canon discrepency but Sweetie hasn't been able to perform magic yet.
Again make sure that you have a space after periods and commas.
And make sure that there's only one person speaking in a paragraph.
You, unlike most new authors, over use the comma. Pour example.
Also I was going to ask you about the red text but I think that it' about what will happen to either the pony they want it to happen to or themselves. Right?
Umm... holy shit. Poor Applebloom. Tracked.
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
By the way, this is my first story.
(Just thought you'd like to know.)
Good on you for not saying "be gentle" or "go easy on me." Everypony had a first story, and there's no shame in improving from that point. Actually the shame would be not improving.
Applebloom woke up in her bed, drenched in droplets of sweat.
Something wrong with just "drenched in sweat?"
She bolted upright and looked around her room, her heart still racing from her nightmare. Her apple-shaped clock which stood on her bedside table, told her it was 9:00 AM.
The bolded part is useless. We can assume AB's clock is on her bedside table.
Also, 9:00 AM? Really? That's incredibly late on a farm. I live down the road from a now-defunct dairy farm, and they used to get up at 4:30 AM, every single day. Being a little filly, maybe AB could sleep late . . . say, 6:00 AM. Farmers get up crazy early.
She scanned the room, searching everywhere for that black thing, whatever it was. After seeing it wasn't anywhere in the room, she got up out of bed, headed over to her dresser and peered into the mirror. Her beautiful, thick dark red mane was all tangled and messed up, she couldn't go outside looking like a wreck! She made an attempt to use her black manebrush, but every time she looked at it she couldn't help but remember that black thing and how horrifying it was. How bone-chilling the noise it made was, how she was trapped in a slowly shrinking room with it as it chased her, getting closer and closer.
It sounds like AB looked around, saw that the thing wasn't there, and shrugged and dismissed it. I realize that's not the case, but she seems awfully prosaic about it in that second sentence.
Also, the creep factor is good, but it could stand some elaboration. What kind of bone-chilling noise was it? A growl? A screech? A moan? Was it big? Hairy? Did it have beady red eyes? I realize you're trying to keep it creepy and want to avoid describing it completely (which is good!), but a couple of minor details would really help.
Once they were inside the tree house Sweetie Belle spoke up "I have a great idea on how to get our cutie marks!" She yelled very loudly sounding excited, hurting Applebloom's and Scootaloo's ears.
Should be three sentences. Also, don't just tell us that Sweetie's yelling hurts the others' ears; show us. Like this:
Once they were inside the tree house Sweetie Belle spoke up. "I have a great idea on how to get our cutie marks," she yelled excitedly. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo winced, their ears flattening reflexively.
Using her magic,she opened her saddlebag and produced a book from it, then placed it on the floor.
Sweetie has never been seen to use her magic in canon. Never. Not once.
She was very afraid of what could happen to her so she screamed hopelessly "Help! Help!" but nopony could hear her cries, the burlap was too thick.
Burlap is not that thick. It would not muffle AB's voice at all.
All in all, this is decent. It needs some polish, but it's readable and somewhat interesting (although the summary may be a bit of a spoiler). I encourage you to keep writing, as practice is the only way I know to improve.
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
~TWE's knight-errant
dafuq is going on?
also how does fluttershy play a role in this?
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My head is spinning.
Apple Bloom, not Applebloom. Don't feel bad; I made that same mistake for the longest time.
Darn. I still think Applebloom looks better though.
I'm including the first sentence, as it really ought to be part of the big paragraph that follows.
I wanted the first sentence to stand out in chapter 1 and 3, that's why I did that.
New speaker, new paragraph. Always. No exceptions.
My one nemesis, the one speaker per paragraph rule. I don't even understand it!
Capitalize the first word of a sentence, proper names, and the letter "I" when referring to the speaker. Do not capitalize random words. Capitalization isn't like salt, to be sprinkled liberally about.
Those are pure accidents.
Why would AB think the Doctor had committed a crime?
She was in detective mode. I think I'll change it anyway though, I like your idea better.
Burlap is not that thick. It would not muffle AB's voice at all.
I couldn't think of any material that was thick enough to muffle a voice, so I just went with burlap because it's the only one I know besides denim, and that's used for jeans.
Using her magic,she opened her saddlebag and produced a book from it, then placed it on the floor.
What? I edited that! That sentence should not exist!
But all that aside, thanks for the constructive criticism!
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My one nemesis, the one speaker per paragraph rule. I don't even understand it!
It makes it far, far easier to tell who's talking. If you put multiple speakers in the same paragraph it feels rushed, and runs the risk of becoming a jumbled mess.
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She's in the next chapter.
Private school Sweetie Belle. Sometimes that's the only place besides on sites like this where you can read and be cool at the same time.
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Actually, it's usually considered a preference. Whichever way you do it is fine.
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Are you kidding me? I just went and changed all the Appleblooms to Apple Blooms!
Man, that chapter took aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages to write. Hope you guys like it!
bob its head. It's refers to it is. Its is possesive.
Thoughts are italic. Quotations mean the character is speaking out loud.
Get rid of the was. 'By the time she'd wiped the mud out of her eyes.'
Lavender doesn't have to be capitalized.
Whooves. Hooves is like Derpy.
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Should I just add "edited by Thorlol" now, or later?
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Well, Deep Pond should get some credit too.
Bout would be said if the character is speaking in a southern accent. Use about.
You need to capitalize your I in I'm.
Same thing with I'd.
I'm a bit too tired to write a chapter today, I think i'll do some editing instead.
This story sucks! Whoever wrote this sucks at writing!
Just joking! Anyway, have another >1000 word chapter.
Also, there's that music I promised.
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Nobody cares about Deep Pond!
Joking! I think I might add that to the description later though, maybe when the story is finished.
Aaaaaand...done!
Sorry for being so lazy.
Also on a side note, where is everyone?
Did everyone just decide to stop commenting? Hopefully not.
Just my pet theory. Anyhow much improvement from the first chapter to here.
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Just my pet theory
pet theory
Awwwww! Your theory is sooooooo cute! Can I pat him? Pleeeeeeeeeease?
Anyhow, much improvement from the first chapter to here.
You missed a comma, also:
Maybe a bit of this too (skip to 36 seconds) (SEIZURE WARNING!):
Yeah.
Sorry for a very late update! I've had to go to school and I've just been too tired. I am too tired right now so I will fix mistakes tommorow.
Listen everyone, I'm back! I would tell you some made up story like I was traveling abroad or saving the world from two evil plots simultaneously (which are both untrue by the way *shifty eyes*) to explain why I was gone for so long but I'm going to be honest. I was playing Tetris. I know it sounds lame but it got so addicting I was literally playing it every free moment I had. The good news is that I'm a Tetris god now. The bad news is that I let everyone who liked my story down.
I am so sorry and I would extend the so like everyone does when they're really sorry, but if I did it would be December 21st by the time I finished and the world could end. (I don't think it will but I want to be sure that I can finish my story just in case it does.) School will no longer be a distraction anymore as it is ending. I really hope you guys can forgive me for what I did. I will make sure that I finish this story before December 21st so you guys can read it before the world "ends".
P.s If you're gonna be hiding in your bunker on the 21st, make sure you bring your laptop/computer with you and make sure you can get WiFi down there just in case.
P.s.s I am really sorry.
Very nice to see that this fic hasn't died. Anyway:
Apple Bloom geaded back around thd stsll to go get Scootaloo
A couple of typos in that sentence. Should read like
Apple Bloom headed back around the stall to go get Scootaloo
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Written on an Ipod touch.
It's a real jerk too! It started deleting my writing for no reason!