Apple Bloom needed some time outside of the tree house.
She slowly walked out the door, feeling confused. Her friends didn't fight often, the concept of them fighting felt alien to her. More importantly, they never held grudges against each other for longer than a minute,but they'd been sitting in their spots for around an hour, tossing insults back and forth like a game of tennis. It had just proved too much for her. She descended down the ramp and walked over to a tree. it was an old tree, fully grown and one of the best producers too. It was one of the green apple trees which there weren't many of. She felt as alien as the tree would, completely surrounded by red apple trees. Her thoughts were cut short by a loud "ow!" and then a crash from behind.
She turned to see Time Turner, or as he was usually addressed, Doctor Whooves. He got that name from a TV show for young fillies and colts in which the main character looked just like him, even the cutie mark was the same! The show was called Doctor Whooves. Of course the main character was not him, they just happened to look identical.The name has stuck ever since. He was lying on the ground,a sack lying just a few meters away. "What's in the sack?" she thought. "Maybe, I should have a look inside."
Applebloom carefully and quietly inched over to the sack and stuck her head inside. she could see a black box inside the sack. "I should take this box! There could be anything inside!" She stuck her front hooves in the sack, desperately trying to grab the box, but it kept slipping out of her grasp. she crawled in further, pretty much almost all of her was in the sack now. She finally managed to wrap her hooves around the box. "Yes!" she thought, but just then, the sack was lifted and she completely fell in. She saw the top of the sack being sealed and she realized she was being taken, along with the box.She was very afraid of what could happen to her so she screamed hopelessly "Help! Help!" but nopony could hear her cries, the material was too thick. She was trapped inside the sack!
Apple Bloom had been in the sack for a while. She had been jostled around, and had been hit by the box a lot of times. She had lost count of all time, and the sack was almost pitch black inside, she could barely see. If she was blind it would've made pretty much no difference. All she could hear was the heavy breathing of the Doctor as he ran and the sound of his quick hoofsteps along the tightly packed earth. "Where could he be going?" she thought, suddenly imagining a whole different bunch of bad scenarios to be in. She tried to calm down, but there was nothing she could think about to calm herself down.She was in a sack, going to Celestia knows where, how could she be calm?
She could hear his hoofsteps getting slower, which meant he was walking, they were nearly at his destination. Applebloom was relieved, she could finally get out of the sack and go home! But she was wrong. The sack opened, she could see stars in the sky, it was night. She was about to crawl out but then the sack was tipped and she slid out into a hole. She was about to scream "Get me out of this hole!" when a whole bunch of dirt fell on top of her, she was being buried alive!
Alright. First impressions:
Chapter length. The >1000 word is a bit of a turn off. I'll still read it, it looks interesting.
1367052
The chapters are going to get longer, I'm just waiting for a certain event first.
1367063
KK.
Umm... holy shit. Poor Applebloom. Tracked.
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
By the way, this is my first story.
(Just thought you'd like to know.)
Good on you for not saying "be gentle" or "go easy on me." Everypony had a first story, and there's no shame in improving from that point. Actually the shame would be not improving.
Apple Bloom, not Applebloom. Don't feel bad; I made that same mistake for the longest time.
First paragraph isn't bad, but it has a few issues that could be corrected. Let's take a look. Note: I'm including the first sentence, as it really ought to be part of the big paragraph that follows.
Applebloom woke up in her bed, drenched in droplets of sweat.
Something wrong with just "drenched in sweat?"
She bolted upright and looked around her room, her heart still racing from her nightmare. Her apple-shaped clock which stood on her bedside table, told her it was 9:00 AM.
The bolded part is useless. We can assume AB's clock is on her bedside table.
Also, 9:00 AM? Really? That's incredibly late on a farm. I live down the road from a now-defunct dairy farm, and they used to get up at 4:30 AM, every single day. Being a little filly, maybe AB could sleep late . . . say, 6:00 AM. Farmers get up crazy early.
She scanned the room, searching everywhere for that black thing, whatever it was. After seeing it wasn't anywhere in the room, she got up out of bed, headed over to her dresser and peered into the mirror. Her beautiful, thick dark red mane was all tangled and messed up, she couldn't go outside looking like a wreck! She made an attempt to use her black manebrush, but every time she looked at it she couldn't help but remember that black thing and how horrifying it was. How bone-chilling the noise it made was, how she was trapped in a slowly shrinking room with it as it chased her, getting closer and closer.
It sounds like AB looked around, saw that the thing wasn't there, and shrugged and dismissed it. I realize that's not the case, but she seems awfully prosaic about it in that second sentence.
Also, the creep factor is good, but it could stand some elaboration. What kind of bone-chilling noise was it? A growl? A screech? A moan? Was it big? Hairy? Did it have beady red eyes? I realize you're trying to keep it creepy and want to avoid describing it completely (which is good!), but a couple of minor details would really help.
New speaker, new paragraph. Always. No exceptions.
Capitalize the first word of a sentence, proper names, and the letter "I" when referring to the speaker. Do not capitalize random words. Capitalization isn't like salt, to be sprinkled liberally about.
Dialogue is a little clunky, but not terrible. Try saying the line aloud, to see if it sounds like something a normal person would actually say.
Miscellaneous spelling and grammar errors (like it's for its).
Chapters are very short. This isn't a deal-breaker, but it is worrisome. I could see all three chapters being combined into one chapter, in all honesty.
Once they were inside the tree house Sweetie Belle spoke up "I have a great idea on how to get our cutie marks!" She yelled very loudly sounding excited, hurting Applebloom's and Scootaloo's ears.
Should be three sentences. Also, don't just tell us that Sweetie's yelling hurts the others' ears; show us. Like this:
Once they were inside the tree house Sweetie Belle spoke up. "I have a great idea on how to get our cutie marks," she yelled excitedly. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo winced, their ears flattening reflexively.
Using her magic,she opened her saddlebag and produced a book from it, then placed it on the floor.
Sweetie has never been seen to use her magic in canon. Never. Not once.
Scootaloo knows that Dash is a reader, right? I mean, Dash didn't exactly try to keep it a secret after the events of Read It And Weep. Or does this take place before that episode, for some reason?
The bag scene is very clumsy. Why would AB think the Doctor had committed a crime? It would make far more sense for her to check out the box out of sheer curiosity.
She was very afraid of what could happen to her so she screamed hopelessly "Help! Help!" but nopony could hear her cries, the burlap was too thick.
Burlap is not that thick. It would not muffle AB's voice at all.
All in all, this is decent. It needs some polish, but it's readable and somewhat interesting (although the summary may be a bit of a spoiler). I encourage you to keep writing, as practice is the only way I know to improve.
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
~TWE's knight-errant
dafuq is going on? also how does fluttershy play a role in this?
1367329
My head is spinning.
Apple Bloom, not Applebloom. Don't feel bad; I made that same mistake for the longest time.
Darn. I still think Applebloom looks better though.
I'm including the first sentence, as it really ought to be part of the big paragraph that follows.
I wanted the first sentence to stand out in chapter 1 and 3, that's why I did that.
New speaker, new paragraph. Always. No exceptions.
My one nemesis, the one speaker per paragraph rule. I don't even understand it!
Capitalize the first word of a sentence, proper names, and the letter "I" when referring to the speaker. Do not capitalize random words. Capitalization isn't like salt, to be sprinkled liberally about.
Those are pure accidents.
Why would AB think the Doctor had committed a crime?
She was in detective mode. I think I'll change it anyway though, I like your idea better.
Burlap is not that thick. It would not muffle AB's voice at all.
I couldn't think of any material that was thick enough to muffle a voice, so I just went with burlap because it's the only one I know besides denim, and that's used for jeans.
Using her magic,she opened her saddlebag and produced a book from it, then placed it on the floor.
What? I edited that! That sentence should not exist!
But all that aside, thanks for the constructive criticism!
1367444
My one nemesis, the one speaker per paragraph rule. I don't even understand it!
It makes it far, far easier to tell who's talking. If you put multiple speakers in the same paragraph it feels rushed, and runs the risk of becoming a jumbled mess.
1367430
She's in the next chapter.
1367444
Actually, it's usually considered a preference. Whichever way you do it is fine.
1368056
Are you kidding me? I just went and changed all the Appleblooms to Apple Blooms!