Just about everypony in Equestria had heard the story. Every now and again, and always at around midnight, a phone call would be placed from the Greenhill Resort, a closed down resort between Ponyville and Canterlot, to the Ponyville Ambulance Company, a company based in a run-down, barely functioning garage that houses two ancient ambulances to arrange a pickup of a "patient(?)" (identity unknown) from there, and take them to the Old Hollow Hospital, a decommissioned hospital outside of Canterlot. Nopony knew why these runs were needed, where these supposed "patients" were coming from, who they even were, why they were at a closed down resort, why they were being taken to a decommissioned hospital, and who was making these calls at all. Some had asked those at the Ponyville Ambulance Company what was going on, but none of the 3 employees there said anything. Most thought it was because they were tight-lipped, but in reality, even they didn't know what was going on, but they knew that something shady was afoot. This is the story of one of the fabled "Midnight Runs", and the mystery surrounding it, told from the perspective of one of the ambulance drivers
(Story contains no direct horror elements, but is still a bit spooky, and surrounded by mystery. Rated "T" for these elements)
Run-on sentences are relatively prevalent; or at least you insert way to many unessessary commas. Try your best to not just start sentences off with "Then" in a few sentences that all are just a short sequence of actions together. We already assume when reading that the next described action is taking place after the one we just read, so no need for the periodic Thens.
Still though, was a decent little read. Although something like this might have been a little more interesting if say, there would have been a new hire rookie or something. That way it could have been the new guy who kept trying to peek the patient and follow into the hospital with his experienced co-workers dragging him back and constantly having to defuse the situation between him and the guards. I think it could flow better that like that because in a way we would be relating to the newbie as someone who is also unfamiliar with what is going on around them. The point to that is to have an anchor point of familiarity we as readers can latch onto to better immerse ourselves in the world.
Now that I think about it as well, there isn't much in the way of feeling. What I mean by that is that most of the story is just a description of what happens and what the characters would be thinking, but nothing along the lines of their raw emotions; like maybe the familiar yet unnerving feeling they might have from the presence of so many armed guards that could for all they know shoot them on the spot for so much as touching the patient.
I wish you well on your future fanfiction escapades. Happy writing!
Hello TearingNose24,
And this tends to happen a lot in my writing. I suffer from a chronic condition called "Description Porn Syndrome", which leads me to go into a lot of detail about things, which can be interesting, but it can also lead to long sentences, as you see here. All the "Thens" play into this too. I try to do better, but it can be hard
I'm glad that you enjoyed your read. And I considered doing this, but yet, every story of this type does this, so I decided to branch out, and write it instead from the perspective of someone who'd been doing this for a while, and showing how it was done. This whole story was more or less experimental, as I've never delved into this genre of story until now, and I wanted to do something different with it
As I said above, this was by design. I wanted to offer a description of what these Midnight Runs typically look like from Scar's perspective, as this story was experimental, and I just wanted to try something new. I whipped this up in only about 2 hours. However, with how I wrote the story, I left the door open to potential sequels showing what could happen if/when the general public, or even Scar and Moonbeam got more suspicious, or even a prequel, showing how this all started. I'm not saying that this will happen, though I left the door open to it
And I appreciate your feedback, and I hope that you enjoy my other stories, both current and future