(I am rewriting this fic into something better out of my image. I think it may take a while, but I have enough inspiration and value time to actually remake such dread into good and readable dread. Even when there can't be any kind of good dread, you know what I mean. I thank you for reading and remember, I am only an Entertainer of literature, just like you.)
Deja Vu, believed to be a dead alicorn, confronts his two siblings in blind anger and jealousy, steals the Elements of Harmony and threatens to cast judgment upon the world that has forgotten his existence as the Alicorn of Time.
Sending the Mane six to retrieve the artifacts and stop their brother, Celestia and Luna seek knowledge to understand their brother more, and decipher why his disappearance was not noticed to be fraud as well as his death.
Will the Mane Six stop him in time and will Celestia and Luna finally solve the clue, and will Pinkie Pie gain her vengeance for her Sand Castle? (I'm just being silly on the Sand Castle...maybe.) It's up for you to find out and them to solve.
Deja Vu is a better name than Deja Vu Clocktum, I must say.
punctuation and grammatical errors aside, this seems a little rushed. my suggestion would be to expand on it a little more, give it some pacing, and fix the (unfortunately) numerous errors. all that aside, however, i feel this has potential
91651
Yes, but I think that the Clocktum bit gives off the sense of his power over time, like a rank. I just recommend changing it to Deja Vu, but using Clocktum, like I said, To show his rank/ power,
91929
And yes, not so rushed.
Of course, that's what my first chapter is like, too.
I'll try not to rush it. Thanks anyway and I probably should stay with just Deja vu cause looking at the name Clocktum does sound like a rank thanks again i'll be sure to at least explain the story and try to avoid punctuation and gram errors. Again thanks.
ya it is imensly painful to read this, especially when it comes to a conversation, if i wasnt wantin to find out how the story ends i would stop reading, try to add in more paragraphs for each person that talks instead of crammin it into one big one and confusing the hell out of people trust me it will increase the amount of positive feed back you get
also if you do, do as i said in my coment on that last chapter proof read your work im finding so many errors, one last thing to say before your next post sry if im a bit harsh but i like to speak my mind and good luck
oh i forgot to add this in but each time you switch to a different character try to show that you have by like puting a line of ------or whatever ya feel like just make sure your letting the reader know you are switching to a diferent character
Got it thanks, this story has been a killer to even do. When the time comes for a new chapter I'll be sure to take your comment granted. Thanks again
i must say this story is an interesting concept, but sadly it is not my cup of tea i wish you the best of luck with you writings
3572028Thank you for your wish of luck and honest critique. Have a pleasant time!