Applejack awoke in her room with a groan. She looked out the window hoping to see the trees she’s grown up with. But sadly outside the window was the bustling street of Ponyville.
It had been a few weeks since she and her family lost the farm to the Flim Flam brothers. Her family had to move into a house in town. It was thanks to the combined efforts of their friends that they were able to have a house at all. Big Mac eventually got a new job working on the railroad. Applebloom was sad about her home but her friends and teacher were there for her, even Diamond Tiara stopped messing with her.
Applejack went downstairs to find Grannysmith sipping at a cup of tea in the kitchen. Winona was sleeping in a dog bed but perked up as Applejack came in. “Morning Darlin.” Said the elderly mare with a smile.
“Morning.” She sadly said as she poured herself some coffee.
“What are you doing today child?” Asked granny.
“Going out for a stroll and hoping to send another letter to Princess Celestia.”
“Darling you know what she said the last few times. Despite her being royalty there are certain rules she can’t touch like how a buisness can obtain land.”
“And it’s darn horseapples!” Snapped Applejack.
========
After all that Applejack decided to stroll through town. Every pony felt sorry for her and her family. They mostly blamed themselves for being demanding and impatient of the family cider. Even Rainbow Dash felt bad for how she always felt. Pinkie pie felt especially bad for hogging more mugs than anypony, she felt that was the reason for the attitude of everypony and swore next time cider season comes and the family has the farm back she would cut down to one mug. If there will even be a next time for the family.
After Applejack visited the library she passed by the school. It was recess and she saw her sister playing with the other students. She smiled upon seeing her sister in high spirits despite everything. She left before anypony could notice her. But being unnoticed was short lived. “Sis where you going?”
Applejack turned to see her sister at the school fence. “Just out for a stroll Bloom go play with your friends.”
“You’re not going to the farm aren’t you?”
“Bloom please just let me handle this my own way.” She said without looking at her.
“Ok…” Applebloom just trotted back to her classmates.
It would be another few minutes before she would see the familiar sight of her trees and a wooden fence. Instead she saw a barbed wire fence and less trees than usual. “What in the…”
Suddenly Applejack eyes widened in realization. “No they didn’t!”
She ran until she reached the main gate entrance which had brick and metal gate. She looked up and read the big sign. Flim and Flam industries: cider distribution and lumber.
“No no no, Celesta please no!”
She tried to look through the gate and her worst fears were realized. There in the distance next to the barn were organized stacks of logs and lumber. She recognized the texture and size being from the same trees she harvested from.
A few tears went down her face, she then screamed in rage and ran off into the distance. On the farm the two new owners stepped outside. “You hear something brother?”
“No Flim must’ve been your imagination. Wait a minute we had four loads of Timber we now have three what happened to that fourth load?”
Flim looked to see what his brother was talking about and saw the lumber that was recently sawed by his employees was missing a load. “How peculiar maybe our staff already delivered it to the train station.”
“Without paying? The customer is suppose to deliver the money first.”
Somewhere further away from the building complex of what was once the sweet apple acres barn. A strange creature made of wood stood tall amongst the trees. It watched an orange pony run away. It let out a slight groan sound and its window like eyes made a sad look gesture.
It turned to the buildings of the farm. One of them being some metal machine that made cider. It then let out a chirp as it got up on spider like legs.
It was alright at first. However, the misspellings and grammar butchery has gotten worse. Usually, a few mistakes are fine, and if the characters of the story are entertaining, then poor grammar and misspelling things every now and again are tolerable.
However, it’s almost every other paragraph this story has some mangled sentence. On top of that, this story can be summed up as “elements fail, big monster beats evil monster, timeline reverts to normal.” With some mystery guy in the background.
The characters aren’t fleshed out and the plot is bland.
I encourage you to keep writing and improve, but this story isn’t a good one in my opinion.
11589048
Butchered? We must have different understanding of what "butchery" looks like, especially since you have provided only one example of an issue. A minor spelling mistake at that.
11589205
If I'm to make a claim, then I should support it.
So I'll just point out the issues that could be found with a basic word processor in the epilogue of "Invincible and unkillable."
you need an apostrophe between t and n on "didn't".
You need a comma between "student" and "why"
need a comma after "historians."
just remove the "more" here.
just need the extra hyphen between "beak" and "like" and it should be grammatically fine.
"taken" instead of "took" would fix the issue.
comma after "of course."
"away" not "way"
need comma after "course."
I believe you meant "content" instead of "contempt" here.
now keep in mind, these are all simple grammar issues found in the course of less than 900 words by a simple word processor. If I went through every bit of prose and dialogue that I thought could use a tweak here and there, I'd be here for over an hour and I have 0 interest in spending that much time on this.
I am not telling the writer to quit, and I'm not telling him that he shouldn't ever try again. I'm saying that he's making a heap of these sorts of simple, grating, easily spotted, and easily solved mistakes.
and dislike my comments all you want, criticism is just as important as praise.
11589556
Look I understand your opinion but the truth is I rely on the auto correct function too much I’m slowly going back through and making any adjustments. All I ask is for people like you to bear with me.
everyone’s a critic
11589580
I don't blame you, the other guy wanted proof of my claim is all. Just toss this into a grammarly doc and it'll clean up most of these mistakes
This is almost like poetic justice, because the figurative monsters are being preyed upon by literal monsters.