- Member Since 21st Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 10th, 2014
blobbo420
Hey every one! Enjoy my fics? if you want to chat add me on skype username being blobbo420.
blobbo420
Joined 21st Jun, 2012 ·
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even though it's spaced, the amount of words kinda freaked me out....i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/392/685/a9c.png
A few issues:
Your OC is a Gary Stu. Earth pony, but does magic? Earth pony, but was captain of the Wonderbolts (which, according to canon, are all pegasi)? Amazing abilities, super attractive, absolutely no flaws?
This is a problem. Your character is not at all well rounded. He's not interesting, to put it bluntly.
As for the actual writing-your transitions were sudden. The entire story seems very rushed, like you banged it out on the fly, quick as you could.
I'm going to have to agree with the other two reviewers here, sorry man.
1347595 Well it was a straight shot story so yeah.
1347619 Maybe I should clarify the captain of wonder bolts guards. When they are on the earth he was captain. Such as signing autographs on the ground. Never said attractive that was just a joke. He doesn't do magic either. When I was thinking of his "powers" I can't think of a special one for each one. I think it's better than most oc's depending on which one but whatever. Thanks for reading anyways!
Hey tell me why with all the dislikes? it's most likely that mine is an unintended super hero. When I make the next story. Trust me it will be explained and changes will be made.(And no offense to any Alicorn OC's but at leats mine isn't)
Why would he be the captain at all? That makes no sense.
You're getting dislikes because your character is a Mary Sue, your pacing is ridiculously fast, the transitions are sudden. Your character has no flaws. None. That's why nobody likes him. He might not be technically an alicorn, but the way you're setting him up with ~*speshul powers*~ and whatnot pretty much makes him one. Which is just as annoying.
And his going up the ranks of Celestia's guard so fast, especially without a name? No. Again, that makes no sense.
He's not an unintented superhero-you made him that way quite obviously on purpose. There's no real conflict in the story, which makes it-you guessed it-uninteresting.
Also, Celestia thinks he's attractive, demands he not bow to her? What's with the sudden informality around an amnesiac that people have only known for a short time and who might be dangerous?
ALSO: what kind of doctor sees a concussed amnesiac patient in his ward and goes 'lol, okay now gtfo sorry bout your luck' the instant said patient wakes up? No doctor, that's who.
I see you edited it slightly to take out your OC doing magic and to flesh out a couple other things, but I'm sorry, the premise still is lacking.
1348799 Ok cool thanks for the creative abuse. The story sucked i get it. I have no proof readers or any sort. Thanks for all the POSITIVE feedback. I thought people in the brony community would at least try to attempt to say something good. well in that case at least I make something unlike you but idk who you are and honestly idk. Plus i do not read a lot of fics so I don't know who this mary sue or gary su or whatever your ranting on about. But anyways thanks for responding
1349362
A Gary Sue or Mary Sue are character types. It means a character that is absolutely flawless, everything goes their way, and any trouble they come upon is dealt with without much (if any) effort.
Midnight is telling you these things to better you. You're in a community which aspires to creativity and originality. You're also asking for feedback by posting your story. The critiques you get here will be, more often than not, tough love. Harsh, but for your own good.
1349404 Yeah I understand and thanks for clarifying that stuff about mary sue. When I write the next story he won't and it will have a good explanation why but he isn't flawless. Think of it as like the first spiderman movie. He thought he was invincible and his uncle got shot. Just think it as that for now. but I do implore others to read my other fic which is much better.
1349362 If I could have found something good about your story, I would have pointed it out. As 1349404 said, I was merely giving constructive crit so that you could better understand what your readers are taking away from this and how to fix it.
I find it strange you don't bother responding to my actual crit, and instead throw a hissy fit and accuse me of not being able to make things (I'm both a writer and an artist, which makes that even funnier).
1349467 Yeah and I am sorry having a really bad with a bunch of hardships so yeah. That's just me fueling out my bad day on you
1349473 Still not cool.
As regards your author's note-there's a proofreading group that I see you're already a member of. I'd offer to help proofread and retool your OC into something likeable, but quite honestly I don't think you'd appreciate the help.
I'm confused but i still like it.
1349480 Well I am not the best for looking for help. I would love help as much as possible. I had a pretty bad past with proof readers(In other terms they start and won't finish). if you would still like to help then just reply if not no big deal.
I'm just so slow nowadays. I'll get notifications and BAM! People have already said what needs to be said. Makes me sad ;p
1349628 I agree happens to me now a days with my oc story only other one not so much.
1349636
No, I'm talking about the TWE guys. They arrive en masse and crush all bad fanfics beneath their iron-shod merciless hooves, and leave me out of the fun ;p
1349654 Dang well go ahead and say what you want to say don't matter to me right now.
1349663
Well, you're... dedicated. Looking at 13k words, I doubt there is a person alive who can't say that.
1349684 Lol my other one has over 50000 but it's much better and I am more proud of that than this.
1349362
files.gamebanana.com/img/ico/sprays/whambulance.png
Seriously? You write a story with fucking Mary Sue OC then wonder why it is that people react negatively to it?
I'll admit, it's an interesting concept but you made him too powerful, too wonderful and that's simply not interesting to read about.
I admire your dedication. 13K words is not something you just churn out in a weekend, that probably took a couple months of work from idea to completion. But that doesn't make your story any good nor does it excuse people from commenting negatively on it.
And a tip for next time. Learn to write in the 3rd person. Writing in the 1st, especially with a Mary Sue OC will lead to a lot of downvotes as it's seen as self-insert wish fulfillment.
>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke
1349862 First off I did not know wtf a mary sue character was. other than that thanks for the comment! I'll be sure to do so. and uh just to let you know there is no reason to take it to such a pointless level. Seriously cursing? whatever
1350077
Yes, seriously cursing.
Author writes a Mary Sue fic that is not written for laughs and I curse.
1350208 funny you're so funny haha you should be a comedian you know that? Did you even bother to read my comment? I did not know what a Mary Sue was but since you obviously didn't read it I hope you look it back over. But I am still taking what you said. I appreciate the help but honestly The way you put it isn't the best way to do it.
1350249
You're right, next time I'll really tear into the writer and give them a piece of my mind. Screw being nice, people want conflict.
And I read what you wrote but it didn't matter if you knew what a Mary Sue was or not, in fact if you had known what it was and wrote it anyway it would be even worse. Now you know what the character is and how readers feel about them and hopefully can use that knowledge not to write one again.
1350386 Yeah and hopefully my next story for my oc will fix that but i doubt people would read that after reading this. But yeah I do love comments though sometimes I don't take them well from time to time.
1349862 "Tactless". Spot on.
1355732
You say that like it's a bad thing.
1349362
I will give you the two best advices I can:
Don't put yourself down.
It's just that the bad things usually bring more attention than the good. It may be unfair... but that is how things work.
You are pretty lucky: I saw very pretty mean comments going on this site. I even got into discussions because of it.
But this story... the people who are talking with you really want you to improve. You should listen to them.
Please take this at heart!
Keep safe!
1358895 thanks for the nice comment! love getting those. I am going to fix it with another story. hopefully people would like to see someone attempt that at least.
A-yo, you gonna write dat next story yet o' what?
I wanna see you take the lessons I gave you to heart, man! Send me a PM if you've got something written down at least.
1711571 yes i will but i've been really busy