- Member Since 23rd Aug, 2012
- offline last seen Dec 29th, 2022
Novah_X
i love fan fics and roleplaying so if u want me to read a story you wrote or roleplay with you leave me a message and i gladly will ^.^
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- GoblinAteYou · 1.2k words · 4 20 · 260 views
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Constructive criticism: Fix up the description. Take the whole author's note part and put it in the bottom of the description. That way people can read what the story's about on the front page. Make more people interested. Plus, there are some grammatical and spelling mistakes.
What you need here is "too tough."
It's etc.
Actually this sentence doesn't make too much sense. I'd say: "...abuses her, etc. feel the pain that she felt." Then try to fit in the murdered loved one part later.
Aside from some spelling errors, not too shabby. Will see where it goes.
1418295
thanks
also could you tell me soe of the selling errors so i an fix em :B?
1417844
alright thanks ill fix that and see wat i can do about getting it to make more sense
I think you made your story worst.....
1419729
wat do u mean...?
1419711 No offense intended, but I'm sure someone will beat me to it with the spelling mistakes, but overall, I'm DEFINITELY looking forward to more chapters.
1419755
oh none taken i guess wat i was tying to say didnt come out right lol
1419742.....Hello look at the likes and dislikes
1419779 It's okay. No harm done.
1419795
haters goin hate
1419803.......
I kind of like it so far. I hope the next couple chapters can come out soon.
1455333 chapter 2 MIGHT be out this weekend o3o
Eat it. Duh.
On a more serious note, cliche is so cliched.
1511653 ...wat?
1511901
A response to the question posited in the end of second chapter. What to do with the body? Eat it, of course. Well, the prime cuts, anyway. Pony can be disassembled into an astonishing number of useful things, if one puts mind to it. Food, cloth, line, glue...The list goes on. Why, hooves could even be used whole as novel dessert dishes or ashtrays, if one felt particularly inspired for macabre.
Also, considering that heart can somehow be transformed into crystal, one would hazard a guess that magic could also provide a solution or two for getting rid of body.
But again, I have to note. CLICHE. Horrible cliche.
First of all, abusive deadbeats do not get sentimental and moody with torture. Factually, they get more panicked and desperate the further you go. The whole pitiful and repulsive spectacle of it, complete with begging, lying, crying, wetting oneself and inane amount of pleading to finish all of this immediately, one way or another.
Second, domestic abuse tends to entrap the abused rather firmly - even if they have social freedom to get away, they would often return into the destructive relationship of their own free will. It`s even rarer for an abused to pull off a murder by torture, suddenly. Common cases of former victims of abuse becoming serial killers tend to either have the original abuser die by natural/third party means or be somehow else forcibly removed. Alternatively, abused may murder the abuser by accident and that - that tends to give a taste for blood, so to speak. As is in story, the transition does not make sense. One that puts up with abuse is not capable of suddenly turning the scales without external influence.
1512067 oh we already no exactly wat shes going to do with his body
and oh well if its cliche then watever its cliche this is my first time writing a fan fiction so yea :\
anyway thanks for reading it wether u lieked it or not it doesnt make a difference to me really xP
1512911
Did I ever tell you how much I hate the "It`s my first fanfiction" excuse? Because I do.
I weigh 55 kgs. The total energy I represent is therefore 4943153483052497020 Joyles. If each Joyle became a word "HATE", it would not express even a billionth fraction of abject hatred I feel towards that particular excuse.
Why would anyone think that doing something for the first time is an excuse to give it no effort? Seriously, what is wrong with you, people? How do you expect anyone to continue reading what you churn out if your first effort is so subpar? Your first should be your best - it`s what allows people to decide if you`re worth a second glance.
Moreso, WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SANE WRONG WITH YOU TO THINK IT`S A VALID RESPONSE!?
"I was not sure about reactions."
"I wanted to show the tolerance extolled in the show as the inherent characteristic of all ponies, even the deranged murderers, therefore the delay."
"Because Lyra is supposed to develop a split personality."
"Because I like my version better!"
Here... So MANY valid things you could have responded with. Trying to explain why you wrote what you wrote, what you felt when you wrote that... Instead, you went with the tired inanity of "it`s my first".
WHY?! What on earth possessed you to think "first" is somehow a better notion then actual reasons why and what is there!?
1513090 u think im not putting any fucking effort into this?
im trying my best to make this fucking good
and the "first fic" thing wasnt a fucking excuse i was just saying
and maybe if u actually wait for and read more chapters to come out rather then just bitch and complain about it being "cliche" now u would understand y i have it how i do
all of it makes sense in the later chapters that are still in proggress
so watever, think watever the fuck you want to about me and this fic i really dont care
1513381
Missing the point, I see. Oh well. I guess I`ll have to explain.
To put it bluntly, you had NO BUSINESS saying "first fic". It should mean absolutely NOTHING. And the fact you did, and thought it`s a sufficient response is, frankly speaking, appalling and ignoble.
See, this is the easiest way to tell if you`re dealing with hack or author. See how they handle criticism. Say something about fiction. Something that shows you read it and is willing to discuss why and what is written. Point out something you disagree with or something you believe was put there by mistake.
An author will discuss this with you. Author will graciously deal with critique, regardless of how deserved it was, and author will share their views and opinions about the piece in question, explain how they arrived at that junction, what they attempted to say and why they wrote that.
Now a hack? A hack begins with a weak excuse. "It`s my first fic.", "It`s my second language", "I was in a hurry", "I`m writing on the phone", "I`m only thirteen years old". Hack will fully expect that the excuse, no matter how weak, transparent and irrelevant, will completely thwart any and all comments that don`t consist of unadulterated praise. If called out on it, hack will resort to swearing and feigning disinterest.
In short, the difference between author and hack is that second lacks any kind of self-respect.
1513485 again, say watever you want i dont care but saying that i have no self respect wen you dont even no me thats the part that fucking hurts
and to me it didnt sound like constructive critisism it sounded like u were complaining because u didnt like how i had it written
1516796
Ah, and here`s the cinch of it. Note that I haven`t said a single thing that would explicitly say "You are a hack." You made that connection all by yourself. How`s your self-respect, hm?
So tell me, what exactly am I supposed to think of you? If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck...
___
Also, note what you concentrate on. Your attention is solely devoted to the fact I dared to have not so favorable opinion of your text. You make no attempt to actually discuss what I pointed out. You don`t even make an attempt to explain your own reasons for writing exactly as it is.
Your sole rebuttal is "It`s not constructive because you don`t like what I write." What is your major malfunction, seriously...?
1517099 ...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
i give up
im done
1517236
That`s my line.
1517374
watever u say jappleack
1517410
See? Lack of comprehension. No matter how much I try to prod you into thinking, you invariably resort to "emotional" defense instead. Guilty conscience much?
Understand one simple thing - no one would ever think about excuses and defenses, unless they themselves are aware they did a shoddy job. It`s not my word that pricks you so, it`s your own conscience. And maybe even pride, though I wouldn`t hold my fingers crossed about that one just yet.
___
Ever thought about, y`know, not assuming every single disagreement is a personal attack on you? Or maybe even, as shocking as it may sound, comparing the presented versions to yours, figuring out differences and actually speaking about the reasons why you elected to do things this or that way?
I know it sounds strange and alien, but that`s actually the norm for an author who is not ashamed to think and establish rapport with readers.
And contrariwise, giving excuses and erecting defenses, particularly so in situations where they`re obviously out of place? That tends to alienate anyone with two neurons to rub together. Think it over. Do you really want to lump yourself into the cohort of hacks right off the bat... Or maybe, as erratic as it sounds, you can dare to be the author, with aplomb and decorum befitting of a title?
1517651 i stopped reading after "Ever thought about, y`know, not assuming every single disagreement is a personal attack on you?"
i cant stop doing that because all mylife thats how ive been treated almost everpon i meet trets me like shit and thats y i am often thinking that every disagreement is a personal attack on me
1517651 after that comment i read the rest...
i did a little bit of thinking and alright i dont no how to word this so if it sound retarded or doesnt make sense then thats y
ill try and talk over y i had it how i did and y it doesnt make sense or watever with u if you still are willing to yourself
1518291
1518309
Let me put it really bluntly, then. Do not assume a personal attack until it`s been stated out straight.
First of all, it really helps to put an end to situations where you do make an enemy out of people by assuming they`re attacking you.
Second, it`s better to appear aloof then paranoid.
Finally, third, if it IS a personal attack, not noticing it is one of the best defenses in discussion. As the saying goes, "don`t feed the troll". Not deigning to notice ad hominem insults tends to infuriate the one offering such insults, and makes it painstakingly obvious who`s on the "bad" side of discussion.
___
As for talking, I do believe I`m never short on gab.
1518360 alright lets talk about it then
1521837
How wonderful, as Fluttershy would have said.
Albeit, I`ve already made my statement. Your characterization of Lyra has some... holes in it, as it were. Logical inconsistencies. Perhaps it would be best if you`d take a look at the original post with the details of inconsistency and provide your view on the matter on what I`ve stated.
1522059 well i have lyras personality as i do because...well...
1. ive never actually read lyra's wiki page so i have almost no idea wat its made out to be
2. it just seems far more fitting that she acts the way she does in this, assuming she is made out to act comepletly differently
and 3. simply because i can
1522564
As I pointed out, there is a glaring contradiction.
Person who will put up with abuse for months is not capable of suddenly turning the tables. Submission becomes conditioned response, and even if given the chance, people like this will usually elect to submit to abuser once again, rather then attempt the revenge.
How do you plan on addressing this issue? It does not make sense for Lyra to snap right now. If she were the maniac, she wouldn`t have waited for months to respond like this. Your throwaway OC is not tied to her in any way - if Lyra had the guts to gut him (pardon the pun), she would`ve had the guts to kick him out of house months ago.
1522675 that is a good point...
well uh...that she could hae just kicked him out never occured to me and does leave a big hole in the story...
and as for the whole turning the tables thing well that's mostly my co-author's doing as much as it sounds like im trying to blame that part on him that part was mostly written by him and I just went with it because at the time it sounded good
1522862
You see, in grimdark story... As much as it can be fun to just dive into visceral descriptions of torture, it gets boring just as quick. The really juicy parts are the motivations of killer. Why they did that, how they arrived to that point, what do they feel when they do what they do.
What you need to do first and foremost? Reach a decision what kind of maniac Lyra is.
1) Broken.
That happens when someone is abused long enough to go crazy.
The problem with that is that your OC can`t be the first abuser then. Maniacs of that kind are never able to kill their original attacker. If that`s the course you want to play, then you need to supply Lyra with some kind of backstory with plenty of received abuse. A common trope in this is parental abuse. Then, remove the original attacked via natural means or accident - or even a well-meaning intervention from somepony else.
Electing to use this stereotype allows you to present Lyra as a well-meaning extremist, using her natural wiles to entrap, reveal and punish the ponies who would commit to abuse of other.
Alternatively, as a maniac who can`t help but recreate the ordeal she encountered, complete with split personality that takes over for the moment of kill to provide the "third party" that ended it all the first time.
2) Philosopher.
This kind of maniac is much more horrifying an tenacious then the first version. Think Hannibal Lecter kind of villain. In this case, the killer is most commonly psychopathic and thus, unable to compare their feelings to that of their victims. They are often charismatic and suave on the first glance, but are capable of unparalleled cruelty and depravity, when the mood strikes them.
In that case, Lyra would probably kill either for altruistic reasons (freeing either Equestria from garbage or letting ponies leave behind their dreary existence) or simply because she feels a hankering for ponyburger.
3) Rabid.
This kind of thing most commonly happens to capable individuals thrust into a situation where their role is predetermined as a victim. For an example, consider Rambo.
This kind of maniacal killing is usually unconcerned with torture, although would still make use of it if given a tangible need to, like procuring an information or forcing a witness into some action.
4) Sex-driven.
That one covers the obsession with sadomasochism and snuff. The cornerstone of such killer is sexual pleasure derived from the fact of killing somepony. If that is the elected modus operandi, Lyra could very well be presented as extreme case of sadomasochist, and the delay in executing her victim is explained simply by the fact she enjoys being abused.
That kind of maniac can be often evolved from the first kind.
There are other possibilities too, but those four are most common stereotypes that are easy enough to portray.
1523262 i would probably have to go with the first one, it seems the most fitting with the explanation that the readers will find out in later chapters
1523723
Well, that just takes you back to square one. Victims of abuse do not fare well with waiting - each additional day saps their capability to strike back.
You`ll need a good reason for waiting so long to do the OC in. Or alternatively, a bit of retcon.
___
P.S. Yes, I am aware that many a person would love the idea of a victim of abuse striking back, but it`s flatly unrealistic. Something drastic must happen first to allow the transition from abused to abuser. Things like that don`t evolve - if they did, a whole lot of misery in the world would be curbed in the bud.
1523815 well that just leaves me with more things to explain in that later chapter i told you about
1524668
Ah-ah-ah. Beware the "read to find out" excuse.
When first chapters don`t make sense to reader, they are very liable to just stop reading. No amount of "read to find out" is going to stop them at this point - simply because there`s hardly any reason to assume the chapters to follow will be any more comprehensible.
Try and grasp the difference between cliffhanger and out of the left field. First is an acceptable move - while reader knows not what will follow, they have a vested interest, and they have their fantasy to build on what is already there, following logical progression.
Out of the left field, however, is much more fickle kind of gimmick. It can be used, but only with utmost caution, as a failure to put it in correctly will result in pointless story. Successful out of left field is a sequence of events that, while being surprising and illogical when reader begins on them, become rather straightforward in retrospect, when the reader finds out what happened and has an insight into plot as a whole. It should NEVER be split into multiple chapters, unless the chapters were posted in the same time. Leaving reader hanging with no explanation for illogical sequences will immediately turn the reader away from story.
___
Putting it bluntly, if you want Lyra in your story to have a backstory of abuse, you have to hint at it to clue reader in as to what goes on. For example, if she projects the target of her mania on your OC, it would be reasonable to include the bits where she uses the wrong name, addresses her victim as the original target and otherwise gives hints about whom she really wants to cut to ribbons.
1524983 that does seem like a good idea wen i have time ill edit some of the dialog to fit that
1525211
Here, I rewrote it a little so you could compare the versions and see the difference.
1525950 isee
interestingly worded lol
1513090
Let the flame wars begin
1555820
You`re late.
1557401 cooll your head abit....Novah is trying his best and doing a damn good job at it
ps..(to every pony) im pretty sure that this is supposed to be entirly cliche so just love to hate it or love to love it.... i see really great things coming from Novah in the future
1782667
Dude. You`re six weeks too late. This conversation is done for.
1783124 still....plus u snapping at him is snapping at me since this is a collab (Novah u really need to come over so we can get the next stuff done...we really don't have much time at school!)
but let bygones be bygones....egons be egons and i've llost my trian of thought
1783849
Is that so?
Well, do accept your fair share of berating then. WHAT IN THE NAME OF SUN WERE YOU THINKING!?
If that`s your best effort, you really really really need to try harder. As to why - do read what I`ve already explained to Novah. I do point out most of the obvious failings there and do provide some comparative material.
1786800 I HAVE READ THEM AND THIS IIS BY FAR NOT OUR BEST EFFORT. IT'S OUR FIRST COLLAB SSO I DIDN'T EXPECT IT TO PLAY OUT WELL BUT ATLEAST SOME PEOPLE LIKE IT. PLUS WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME TO COLLABORATE DUE TO LACK OF TIME AT SCHOOL, SO NOVAH HAS BEEN PULLING A GOOD BIT OF WEIGHT. PLUS MY MIND IS FOCUSED ON MY SOLO STORIES AND ANOTHER COLLABORATION STORY BETWEEN ME NOVAH AND A FRIEND AT SCHOOL. THE CONCEPT THOUGH IS MEANT TO BE CLICHE AND GOREY... YES I KNOW THAT SOME AREAS NEED WORK...MAYBE MORE DETAIL....BUT FOR RIGHT NOW IT'S FINE THE WAY IT IS.
i just realized i wrote this entire rebutle in Royal Canterlot Voice