According to legend, there is a rock that is known to grant good luck to those who are in possession of it. The mare of stone will travel to the ends of the Earth just to get it for her daughter, no matter who or what may try to stop her.
But she can't deny that raising such an outcast is hard, and she will have to struggle with her thoughts and her emotions as she wonders if retrieving this rock is really worth it -- if not for her daughter, then for her entire family.
Written for the Ancestral Tribute contest.
Chapters (1)
Huh.
That was a good story.
Ah, the unique shames of rock farmers.
I am... very divided on whether this one qualifies. The focus is undeniably on Cloudy's role as a mother. The impetus for her journey, the dream sequence, the lesson she takes away from it, all intrinsically tied to her motherhood. When you said this would be about "her going on a journey for the sake of her daughter, and by extension, the rest of her immediate family," I had assumed the focus would be more about the journey than her family, and I really should've made that more clear when I gave you the green light. There's also the fact that, given her name and that of her husband, it seems safe to assume she married into the Pie family, and thus the other major theme, the legacy of those Pies who came before her, falls more than a little flat.
That being said, it is largely a story of a parent without their children. I realized the prompt I wrote wasn't quite the prompt I meant far too late to bring the former closer to the latter.
My main concern is that the quest itself is, as far as the story indicates, primarily Cloudy berating and doubting herself while walking in a mostly straight line. There's little challenge for her to face, opportunity for her to grow, or chance for her to break out of the maternal mold. This is largely a struggle with herself, and it's largely told in a dry and analytic way that rarely captures the inner turmoil in a way the reader can appreciate. (The scream to the heavens was very good, especially coming from as normally stoic a character as Cloudy, but then there's the conversation at the end that just kind of... happens.)
My biggest complaint is that you hint at a deep, spiritual world of rock farmers without any greater detail. I'm not looking for the Silt-marillion, but as an example, why must the rocks be farmed? Yes, heeding tradition and one's ancestors are major themes in the story, but the whole exercise feels a bit aimless without some deeper underlying purpose.
All told, a novel look at Cloudy's perspective, but one in need of further polish. Still, thank you for it and best of luck in the judging.
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I had originally wanted this to be a story about Cloudy's and Pinkamena's relationship, but couldn't resist running the roots a bit deeper and including the Pie family as a whole, even if it wouldn't fit the contest guidelines.
Never thought she married into the Pie family going by her name, either, but I'll have to keep that in mind if I write any future stories with her.
I had also wanted to flesh out her journey a little more, but with juggling three other fanfics, I had hit writer's block midway through. That's my fault. I can't multitask with fanfics. Lesson learned.
All in all, thank you for the constructive criticism. I'm still getting used to writing non-crossover pony fics, so this helps a lot for future stories I write.
An oddball ghost happened across your fic and read it. Have a review!