Ghost Mike's Ponyfic Review Monday Musings #38 · 6:00pm Nov 21st, 2022
First things first: happy thanksgiving to all you Americans out there! Couple days early, yes, but it’s not like I’m gonna have a blog on Thursday to say it then. May not mean to us this side of the pond, but we can appreciate spending time with family and being thankful for what we have for sure.
As for the Ponyfic reviews, what you’re ostensibly here for: finally, after some unforeseen delays, the results for the Ancestral Tribute contest are finally out. Hard work, picking just three of thirty-one entries here to place, with the benefit of each of the five judges choosing an Honourable Mention only softening the difficulty somewhat. But worth it, of course. Check out the results, great set of opinions and praise from the other judges.
As promised, now I can post my reviews of these thirty-two entries (thirty-one, but I read one entry that was later disqualified). And as that would take seven weeks to fully cover at my usual five-a-week pace, a bonus seems in order. I’ll be covering eight stories a week to get through these entries quicker, splitting them across four weeks. Due to the pace at which these entries came in (over half in the last two days alone), the reviews did end up a bit on the shorter side, off the volume of stories. So these blogs’ length aren’t much longer than usual, all in all. What will be longer is the word count; not today, as the early entries (I’m covering these in release order, of course) were naturally on the shorter side. But two of the following blogs will clear my prior milestone of 50K in one week, and comfortably at that.
Unlike many prior recent contests, like the regular May Pairings, the Thousand Words, or even last year’s Imposing Sovereigns III, hardly any of these entries have broken out and gotten noticed, even to a small degree: 13 of the 31 haven’t even gotten the ten votes to have a public rating, while twenty of them still have under 200 views. A whole month after being published. That’s far more than can be explained than them all focusing on minor characters in the form of primarily-parental characters from the show. Which makes themed reviews like this all the more important, to give them another chance to get noticed. As much as my cosy readerbase can provide, anyway. Get to it, folks! 
Also, if you haven’t yet signed up for Jinglemas '22, and that’s on your radar as something to do, it closes this Thursday. Don’t doddle!
M’kay, enough housekeeping. Now the next three weeks can hit the ground running. Enjoy this first batch showcasing parents of our favourite ponies (which, FYI, passes me over the 200-stories-reviewed mark 
)
This Week’s Spectral Stories:
We Deserve A Soft Epilogue, My Love by Apple Bottoms
Life of an apple by Lucy_budige
Night and the Dragon by A whisky man
My Dearest Twilight by Uz Naimat
Cut Me Like a Curse by AugieDog
Life after Foals by Caladis
In Creeping Twilight by Shilic
My Rock by alphaserendi
Weekly Word Count: 32,827 Words
We Deserve A Soft Epilogue, My Love by Apple Bottoms
Genre: Romance
Argyle, Alphabittle
6,966 Words
September 2022
Waking up in a strange forest with no memory is scary enough. When that also includes waking under the care of a large grey unicorn, one who looks after him despite cautioning that unicorns would not react well to seeing a hornless pony like himself, Argyle is more confused than anything.
It’s more than possible for a fic to exist purely to fulfil an author’s desire without breaking canon and yet not have that transparent desire permeate the piece. Sadly, that has not quite happened here, and the goal of creating a scenario that would allow Argyle to live and be in a relationship with Alphabittle results in a very shaky plot construction, given it also conjures up a contrivance to allow Argyle to not be a bad father in leaving Sunny.
That’s the first major issue. The other is that the fragmented nature of the piece’s short chapters introduces just as many weighty topics over the fic’s fleet 7K. Not just whether leaving a child is the right choice under any circumstance, or the relationship between the two leads, but the tribal animosity, how memories define a pony, and so on. The fic tries to give them all some acknowledgment and/or development. Naturally, none of them really land, and the end result is a hodgepodge of concepts and mismatched contemplation.
There are some grace notes that work. When the fic is focused purely on Alphabittle entertaining Argyle, or touring some sights around Bridlewood, the warmth and positivity of the two shines through and makes for some endearing passages to read. But the shaky parts of the fic dominate far more than the pleasures that have to fight to break through.
Rating: Weak
Life of an apple by Lucy_budige
Genre: Adventure
Pear Butter, Bright Mac, Applejack
1,608 Words
September 2022
How did the Apple parents meet? What was their life like prior to marriage? What ended them? This is their tale.
This is evidently a story by a very new, novice writer, to the degree of being split into eight chapters of about 200 words each, both of which have thoughts for the two Apples written like a diary entry, alternating two or three times a chapter, and spanning years of their life. I can do no better than to paraphrase what FoME said: this isn’t a story yet, but a collection of ideas and plot points that need to be fleshed out into a narrative. His advice of reading and reading and reading, gradually absorbing more about how stories are structured and written, will undeniably help.
SirNotAppearingInThisFic already broke down the difference between concepts and delivery of those concepts, how there was none of the latter in a rather literal sense. To that, I will add to consider what the story’s goal is, both in terms of intended reader response, what it says, and whether we observe anything about the characters. Not all stories need to have all of these – sometimes a silly comedy is just trying to make us laugh – but a story without at least one that it’s laser-focused on executing as best it can will suffer.
We all start off at this level, and I have no doubt Lucy_budgie will improve immeasurably given this advice and that of the other judges. I look forward to seeing what they can do after that improvement.
RATING: NO RATING
Night and the Dragon by A whisky man
[No cover image]
Genre: Slice of Life
Night Light, OC, Twilight Velvet
2,451 Words
September 2022Jake The Army Guy's Honourable Mention
When his wife’s wedding ring goes missing on vacation, and he saw the culprit in the act of sneaking away, Night Light gives chase across the Badlands. On his side, a shield, spell and unrelenting determination. On the other side, a thieving dragon. This should be interesting.
There’s a lot to like about this story, not least seeing Night Light as a very capable stallion of action, perfectly demonstrating where both Shining Armor and Twilight got their skills and disposition from, as well as their dorkiness. It’s certainly not as common a sight as when they pick up those traits, or others, from Velvet. Some sly banter on both sides before the battle is an amusing starter. Having the dragon be amazed when he withstands its flamethrower and concedes defeat, nice idea of honour. And the dragon being befriended and later getting talked off on by Twilight Velvet, also neat.
You may have already spotted the problem. That’s a lot to modulate between for 2.5K at the best of times, and this fic makes a hash of it. It’s less that the pacing is too fast – a little, but not disastrously so – as that the different phases and tones of the fic are not effectively transitioned between, and thus what I see are intended to be natural evolutions come across as wild changes. In particular, the dragon’s characterisation – and size! – is near-impossible to get a hold of.
Still, the concepts are fun enough, and the micro-level execution of most lines puts them over. A very shaky read, but a lovely one all the same.
Rating: Passable
My Dearest Twilight by Uz Naimat
Genre: Romance/Slice of Life
Twilight Velvet, Night Light
1,312 Words
October 2022
After many years together as close friends, Night Light finally has it in him to ask Twilight Velvet out. To do so, he composes a letter reflecting on all their shared experiences.
There’s a nice sentiment here, and providing in-universe origins for Night Light’s interest in bingo, Velvet’s daredevil tendencies, as well as different gifts for magic as students of Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns that we would see pay off tenfold in their children is suitably charming. But boy, is this ever a poor justification for the letter format. On top of every recalled experience being explained in full “I’m not using shorthand here, but explaining it afresh for the reader as opposed to you who remembers it all anyway” mode, it’s got the typical shortcomings of a letter, feeling too compressed as a story to best involve the reader while lacking the beat-by-beat truncation core to when one actually writes a letter.
Not that writing a letter is a bad choice – Night Light is the sort of geek that would confess in written format – but the way that letter is written strips all credibility from this premise. Sweet, but ultimately hollow. Can happen when trying to squeeze a lot into a mere 1.3K. Though having the experiences within be described more offhand and in far less detail would have been enough to let the letter feel organic, and let the fic’s positives shine through better. So only a few tweaks removed from its strengths shining through rather than being smothered.
Rating: Weak
Cut Me Like a Curse by AugieDog
Genre: Adventure
Bon-Bon, Other (Hondo Flanks & Cookie Crumbles), Lyra
6,086 Words
October 20223rd Place Winner
Twilight taking over as Equestria’s leading princess means many things, most of them good. For Bon Bon, née Sweetie Drops, though, all it means is that the truth about a part of her past long since buried is in real danger of coming out. To eradicate all evidence, she has little choice but to approach two ponies she hasn’t interacted with for ten years, on the grounds of both parties trying to kill each other at the time. Oh, and those ponies? They’re the parents of Rarity, one of Twilight’s friends and new council members.
I legit had no idea that Hondo Flanks and Cookie Crumbles had alternate official names used in some different media (Magnum I’d heard, but assumed was an early fandom name; Betty Bouffant was totally new). As noted by the author, among others, that makes them perfect candidates for being former agents alongside Sweetie Drops. What follows is an often absurd, often funny, and sometimes quite touching tale of the trio’s past, how that ties into the Bugbear incident from Slice of Life (we get an actual legit reason why the agency was shut down), the action Bon Bon’s taking now, and her own somewhat warped, rather paranoid worldview giving way to an emotional relapse of remorse.
Many things leap out about this fic. The narrative style, splicing in fragments of Bon Bon recounting all this to Lyra alongside the half-chronological half-recapping progression, all while justifying Bon Bon’s cynicism, is an especially strong point. The humour and canon tie-ins I already mentioned. The implications of the kinds of ponies Rarity’s parents are, implying leagues about how she became who she is (not the usual “my family’s so backwards, I’m gonna imitate those Canterlot snobs!” schtick, but instead a more shrewd case of inspiration) is another strong point, though they make for effective characters even on their own, veterans of their field that nonetheless are less set in their ways then Bon Bon. But it’s the way a fic with this snarky and cynical a narrator (convinced Celestia is a decrepit has-been, among other things) can nonetheless totally uphold the show’s mantras of love, forgiveness and friendship, and make the join not only work but make both aspects stronger, that really sells it. Not that we needed more evidence that AugieDog is a deft hand at blending tones and modes seamlessly, but here it is.
I tend to be cool on Bon Bon as a whole, as the two common dimensions to her character – LyraBon fics, or the secret agency schtick – have limited appeal to this spirit. Yet no complaints, this is pretty fantastic stuff, even if you’re as put off by those aspects ordinarily as myself. Rarity’s parents are involved enough to make this feel appropriate to the contest, even if it’s first and foremost a Bon Bon story. Exquisite craftsmanship with a bounty of wit carries this one to a deeply satisfying result.
Rating: Really Good
Life after Foals by Caladis
Genre: Romance, Slice of Life, Random
Twilight Velvet, Night Light
2,880 Words
October 2022
Twilight Velvet knew that, someday, her foals would leave the nest, and it'd be just her and Night Light again. She hadn’t expected that day to happen almost a decade ahead of schedule. Now one of the best mothers around – to judge from her foals’ achievements already – has nopony to be a mother to. And it’s really weighing her down. Night Light too. Thankfully, he has a few ideas for how to snap her out of her funk.
This fic spends nearly its whole length straddling the line of the parents’ foals being involved or not, for though Shining and Twilight are absent, their absence defines the narrative and is a present point at every turn, even in the rare moments when they’re not being openly discussed. Certainly, it’s less of a “Velvet rediscovering her pre-mother self” story than you might think. That aspect only comes into play late in the game, with the bulk of the fic comprising her being down in the dumps, though thankfully in a quiet, subdued way that keeps things away from melodrama.
That leaves a reasonable emotional journey weighed down with clunky exposition. Not exposition so clunky it cripples the fic, but the modulation between Velvet’s thoughts, when she brings up aspects of her kids, and what she’s supposed to do now in her middle age is somewhat transparent, making the story and telegraphed emotional beats just kind of skip along without comment. On the other hand, the ideas come across fine enough, and there’s a few new ones there (Velvet having abandoned nobility for Night Light, not yet being an author), plus some jokes and moments that betray a sensible wit.
So a mixed bag, but a sincere heart and affable approach to the material serve it adequately. Not the worst place for a new author.
Rating: Passable
In Creeping Twilight by Shilic
Genre: Dark, Horror, Mystery
Twilight Velvet
6,996 Words
October 2022
A battered journal, lying unmarked but for the cutie mark signature of three purple stars. Inside, however, lies the documentation of a struggling author, desperate to escape a particularly dire bout of writer’s block. Yet as the entries progress through her recollection of dreams of a shadowy city, and transition from inspiration to obsession, they feel less like the documentation of the creative process, and more like first-hoof observations of a pony’s descent into madness.
One of the pleasures of reading/judging all entries to a contest is discovering a story you would have likely never touched otherwise, and finding something you’re very glad to have read. This is one of those times. I’d be hard-pressed to say I enjoyed this story, but it is an exquisitely-crafted piece of haunting prose. To the degree of taking longer to get through than its 7K length would suggest. Of course, part of that’s because it’s dense, being journal entries. But for a piece squeezed out in two days, there’s a lot here.
Anyone who’s read similar stories will recognise a lot of the ingredients here: the cryptic descriptions of the shadowy city; the gradual recollections of details that fundamentally recolour what we’ve read thus far; the attempts in the waking world to nip this in the bud falling to a curiosity that builds to an obsession; and a final shift in tone to a far happier outlook that is positively unnerving. In all honesty, it’s not an especially scary story, possibly due to enough of a sunny outlook poking through that one is convinced of a happy outcome even if that isn’t quite present in the ending.
But, it is effective, tremendously so. Plus, a somewhat different depiction of Velvet as an author, less of the mind behind Daring Do or other adventure novels than someone still in their experimental phase, where the search to better find oneself brings out the best in them. Or the worst. This works even for those normally adverse to haunting, unnerving works of horror, and for those who like such stuff, they’ll feel right at home.
Rating: Really Good
My Rock by alphaserendi
Genre: Adventure/Sad (Alternate Universe)
Cloudy Quartz
4,528 Words
October 2022
Cloudy Quartz has known, for a long time, about the legend of a mystical rock that will grant good luck to those who possess it. Of course, many have tried and failed to find it. Yet it is the love for oddball daughter, a misfit having trouble fitting in, that drives her to find it. And, in the end, to contemplate if not just this journey, but the journey with said foal, is worth it.
Boy, is this ever a muddled fic. And not just for the focus being indisputably about Cloudy’s role as a mother, regardless of her spending the story without Pinkie. It basically amounts to Cloudy trekking along across a few landscapes, reflecting on some past moments while berating herself, and then tries to spill a philosophical ending on us without any of the buildup or justification to make such an ending feel earned, and not just where the full stop landed. The dry and clinical manner of much of the fic makes it something that doesn’t feel either, not even the harsher realities of being a rock farmer doled out along the way.
And the lack of any real depth to the various topics and aspects proposed here – it’s basically teasing a rich, spiritual heritage without following up on it – leave it all feeling rather flat, like the detail and richness of rock farming, heeding tradition, ancestors and everything else never transitioned from the author’s head to the keyboard.
The fic goes down harmlessly enough, but it’s all empty calories, a drawback that sticks out far more when it’s purporting to be far more than that.
Rating: Weak
Spooky Summary of Scores:
Excellent: 0
Really Good: 2
Pretty Good: 0
Decent: 0
Passable: 2
Weak: 3
Bad: 0
No Rating: 1
Shilic's story, I remember, was published only a few days before mine was. I remember coming across it, and, curious, giving it a read. I'm certainly glad to have found it included in the contest's entries - in a weird way, it validated my own submission, since it felt like I was competing with some pretty good writing, and made me feel simultaneously uncertain and confident about my own entry. Also, I like horror, and it was a good horror short story, too.
You've already touched on this in an earlier blog, but I am really happy to see several new names in the list here. Even if they're not yet at the stage as writers where their stories are going to be strongly rated, the fact that they're here at all is worthy of celebration, I think.
As for the two Really Good fics... colour me entirely unsurprised that AugieDog's was one of them. I haven't read that fic, but that author doesn't seem to know how to write poor fics. However, I don't think I've ever read a story by Shilic. Hers is therefore going on my RiL list.
5699200
The biggest happy moment for me was not the numerous new or fairly new authors, but that of the eight entries that places or were highlighted by the judges, three were from new or fairly new authors, rather than the top spots being solely the domain of familiar faces as is invariably the case. Even aside from those, there’s quite a few other strong entries from newcomers I’m looking forward to showing in the coming weeks.
Considering these fics are all under two months old, I don’t think you’ve read any of them. And not just because I haven’t seen any on Louder Yay.
You do typically read your fics in the week before the reviews go up, after all. Spotlight editions excepted, of course.
I had seen some of her fics around, and remember her participating in Imposing Sovereigns III last year, but this was my first fic of hers. Most of them didn’t look like appealing subject matter, though as thing haunting work of gradual horror showed, they can surprise you. So I’ll certainly consider giving their backlog a browse again for something else.
well, that penultimate one sounds real good! :)
5699132
Well, that, and it being a contest FoME was hosting making a hefty chunk of quality writing an inevitability anyway.
Well, it’s a conflicting balance, but one that breeds inspiration. Though given your story was published only three days later, it must have been basically done by the time you read Shilic’s here. At least in the process of the final draft, anyway. So I’m assuming you more mean uncertain and confident about how it would do, less about actually writing the thing.
Validation from a horror fan alongside someghost who largely shies away from it (yes, irony, I know). Can’t get endorsements much better than that!
hi yes i've been reviewed what
In all seriousness, thanks for the review. I had a real blast writing this one; based on the fact that I was able to just sit down and hammer it out in 2 days, a pace that's reserved only for when I'm really getting into things. It has it's weaknesses; I don't think I was quite able to get across the vibes I had in my head, but I'm also not really a horror buff nor do I know any, so it was mostly just 'does this look good? Yes? Okay put it out.' I was working on something that, if I'm being honest, probably would have placed better, but I didn't like how it was turning out and wasn't having fun so I wrote weird horror diary instead. I've noted I tend to write something vastly different tonally every single time, which probably isn't good for building an audience but shrug I do this for fun.
Hey, thanks for reviewing my fic!
I will admit, the weak writing for My Rock I feel is heavily influenced by my rusty fanfic skills in a different show entirely (which I haven't written in for quite a few years), and me not quite getting into the flow of writing MLP fanfics just yet. I had writer's block with it too, which certainly didn't help. But I wanted to dig into the roots of Cloudy and Igneous and pick at some family history as best I could.
Still, it's the effort that counts, and I tried. Trying's better than not trying at all, as they say. I'll have to take your criticism and keep it in mind for future MLP fanfics, crossover or non.
Thank you for the review!