Applejack's parent's death was a mystery but how did they die? What was their life like before they got married? How did they meet?
Chapters (8)
Lucy_budige
Joined 28th Jul, 2022 ·
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Oh dear. I'm sorry, but this isn't a story yet. It's still a collection of loose ideas and plot points that need to be fleshed out into a full narrative. Especially the bit in script format.
My best advice for you right now is just to read as much as you can. See how stories are structured and apply that knowledge to your own ideas. To be clear, those ideas show promise, but you need to learn how to express them in a way that draws in the audience. Best of luck with your future endeavors.
11370193
Ok, thanks for the advice.
Before I dig into it, I’m going to qualify that I suspect that you are a very novice writer; everything I say here is meant for your benefit, not to tear you down.
I see two broad features of a story that affect how it is received: 1) the concept(s) within, and 2) how the story delivers those concepts. (More briefly: content vs. delivery). Usually, you want some measure of both.*
What we have here is a story with concepts only (and effectively no nuance). The pacing is much too fast. Everything is told in such a condensed form that Fimfiction didn’t register that I had read every chapter because it takes less than 1 minute for many of them… and we’re spanning years of time in the story.
(Note: if you know what you’re doing, word count doesn’t ever have to correlate to time spanned in the story.)
FoME’s advice to read more above will help with the following, as will virtually any new experiences in life over time. Part of the shortfall in writing quality here lends itself to the infamous “Show vs. Tell” advice. (I’ll let you look that one up, but it is a bit of a mess.) If you aren’t writing a story framed as being a diary, at least in part, then consider for a moment whether people/characters normally think to themselves as though they are writing in a diary, because that is at best what this reads like, and I don’t think that’s what you had in mind.
(Note again: there is much more to better writing than “better is better”; there are so many ways to go about doing anything.)
Presumably, you, yourself, have more complex thoughts than “She looks pretty.” (hard stop), some of which you may ‘vocalize’ in an internal monologue to yourself and some of which you actually won’t. That’s sort of what I’m getting at.
Most of that has been about your delivery of the concepts, not the concepts themselves. I’m not going to say much about the concepts; I find they often improve alongside delivery anyway (and for fanfiction we borrow a lot of premade content).
However, I do question the sudden unexplained bloodthirsty gunslinger.
*I have a pet peeve about how some readers will forgive (well, militantly defend) murder by fiction for a concept that they like.
11373552
Ok, thanks for the advice. I'll take note of that in my next story.
Thanks, I like it. I wanted to read online essay samples, so I went looking for the website https://www.grabmyessay.com/samples/category/business. While looking for it online, I also came across your post.
An oddball ghost happened across your fic and read it. Have a review!