Episode 27: Morty
Mortimer belongs to Grievousfan a massive thank you to her for letting me use her amazing character. I hope I didn't butcher his personality too bad.
Saturday; the day Celestia and Luna reserved for themselves once every week. There was a simple rule for Saturday and that was no Discord, sure this was a completely new rule, in fact that had decided on it that morning, when they chose to poison his cereal.
Currently the two goddesses found themselves lounging in their throne room. Somehow Luna had managed to claim the big throne, leaving Celestia to the comically small "Spare" throne she had kept in the odd chance that Luna actually decided to hold Night court more than once a month. Celestia paused for a moment as she thought about her own Day Court, she was pretty sure she had held it at some point within the last two weeks.
"Hey Celly" rang the voice of Luna as the Sun Goddess was knocked from her thought
"Yes sister?" she answered as she stretched and pulled herself off the spare throne.
"Do you know who I miss?"
"Grogar?"
"No, Discord's the one with the weird Grogar obsession" Luna retorted as she thought back to all those awkward moments where Discord had attempted to convince them into letting Grogar come stay with them. The weirdest part about the whole thing was that Discord seemed completely oblivious to the fact that Grogar had left Equestria simply to avoid Discord.
"Discord?"
"He wishes" the Goddess answered with a laugh "No, I miss Morty"
Celestia raised an eyebrow at her sisters statement. "What possible reason could you have to miss Mortimer? We literally see him every day, at least once a day one of us bites the dust and then Morty has to drop whatever he's doing and come drag us out of the abyss because none of can bother to remember the way out ourselves." she finished with a facehoof that after several thousand years of constantly dying she still wasn't quite sure out to get back to Equestria on her own.
"You're exaggerating" The Night Goddess answered
"Yesterday you tripped while getting out of bed stumbled onto your balcony and fell several hundred feet to your death."
"That's only one time!"
"The day before that you managed not only to kill yourself but bring, Discord, Nightmare and myself with you."
"That was an accident" Luna answered defensively
"You were making and sandwich!" Celestia shouted back "You managed to kill yourself and three other gods while making a sandwich.
"You know what Celly, I don't need this I'm going to go summon Morty and we're going to have the best day ever." with that and a flare of her horn Luna vanished from the room leaving Celestia to facehoof in peace, after a few minutes though she decided it was probably her duty to keep her sister from summoning Death. But first she decided to have a sandwich.... a very carefully made sandwich.
[15 Minutes Later]
She hadn't managed to find Luna during her search, but she had created the best sandwich Equestria had ever known, so that had to count for something. She had also managed to enlist Chrysalis in the hunt for the Night Goddess as well as narrow the search done to either the forbidden archives or the Luna's private bathroom. Both Chrysalis and Celestia came to the obvious conclusion of where Luna would have gone for such an unholy ritual.
"Damn" Celestia stated in defeat "I was sure she'd be in her bathroom."
"You guys have waterfall in your tubs?!" Chrysalis stated in stunned amazement as she stuck her head back into Luna's bathroom. "Why don't I get a waterfall in my tub?"
"You invaded my kingdom and stuck me in a goo cocoon" Celestia answered flatly as she began her march towards the forbidden archives "Just be glad we didn't execute your rubber ducks as a greater punishment."
A look of horror washed over the Changeling Queen's face at the mention of rubber ducks. "You leave Mr.Quackers out of this, he had nothing to do with the invasion. However sometimes Mr.Quackers does plot to overthrow me, so I have to put him in the timeout corner of the dungeon bath." Chrysalis paused for a second as she thought back to all the times Mr.Quackers had attempted to overthrow her. "There was also that time when I had put him in the timeout corner and Mrs.Quackers liberated him.
"How did that end for you?" Celestia asked as the two of them continued through the halls of Canterlot Castle.
"They spent a week in the dungeon's tub" Chrysalis answered no hint of a joke in her voice. "I love all my subjects" Chrysalis stated proudly "But I will not hesitate to put one in the timeout corner for plotting against me" she finished with a stamp of her hoof.
"There's something incredibly wrong with you." Celestia answered as they finally reached the solid black doors of the forbidden archives. Chrysalis gave a casual shrug before attempting to open the large metal doors, after about a minute of straining and groaning in an attempt to force the doors open she slid to the floor.
"You finished?" the Sun Goddess asked as the familiar golden glow enveloped her horn and eventually spread to the door causing the inner mechanisms to stir as all the locks began to release granting the two of them access to the archives.
As Celestia had expected the torches within had already been lit revealing the towers of forbidden tomes that had been acquired throughout her infinite life, she was still amazed with the horrible spells and potions that creatures had been able to create. She still remembered the Toastrialnomicon and the horrors it had brought. Armies of undead toast descending upon her helpless little ponies, the only upside was that their butter always landed on the downside making them rather easy to dispatch
"Equestria to Celestia, come in Celestia do you read me!" came the sudden voice of Chrysalis as Celestia was shaken from her shell shocked flashback of a toast filled nightmare. "I don't think Luna should be doing that." the Changeling stated nervously as she pointed towards the lunar goddess who stood at the center of the room surrounded by candles and a pentagram.
Celestia gave a sigh as she approached the pentagram "Luna what are you doing?"
"Morty won't answer my letters so I'm summoning him the old fashioned way." The possibly deranged Alicorn answered
"He probably needs more than a few minu-" Celestia paused as she raised her hoof from the edge of the pentagram leaving a somewhat sticky substance on her hoof. "Luna, is this pentagram made with blood?"
"Discord wasn't using it" Luna shouted in response as she lit another candle and poured some powders into a bowl. "Though the ritual calls for Goats blood, Discord's part goat right?"
"I don't kno- That's not important right now Luna you need to stop, this isn't even the summo-" Celestia was cut off as Luna immediately threw the last two ingredients into the bowl, causing the room to begin shaking. An excited grin began to form on Luna's face as the circle began to glow and the flames of the candles exploded outward. Celestia however wore an expression of horror as a large black mass began to rise from it. Chrysalis on the other hoof was far too interested in a book she had found called the "Toastrialnomicon" to notice the unholy events happening before her. After several seconds the black mass had almost fully emerged and with a final shock wave of magical energy all the candle were extinguished.
"Oh great you foals turned out the lights" Chrysalis groaned in annoyance as she tried to remember a light spell. A moment later her horn flared up as green light shone out a few feet around her revealing the grisly sight of a rather large pony skull silently stared at her.
"Good Morning" the skull spoke as two red dots formed in its empty eye sockets.
"Nope" Chrysalis spoke with a twitch as she cancelled out her light spell.
Silently Luna and Celestia sat in the dark and listened as Chrysalis's hoof beats grew further away as she apparently calmly made her way to the door. A small shaft of light appeared as the large metal doors were opened again revealing the skull still staring at the Changeling Queen a few seconds later the doors were shut and the panicked screams of Chrysalis began as she bolted down the halls in a desperate attempt to get away.
"Have a good day" came the voice of the skull a slight town of depression edging out of its tone
"Huzza it worked!" rang the joyful cry of Luna as she made her way through the dark towards the source of the voice. "Hello Morty" Luna spoke cheerfully as she wrapped her hooves around what she thought was Mortimer's neck. Then the candles re-lit themselves.
"Honey I'm home!" shouted Discord as he dangled from the impressively tall Mortimer's claws, Luna's hooves wrapped around his neck. Luna didn't hesitate as she pushed herself away from the Draconequus. "I was really hoping he wouldn't have picked you up already."
"Hey!" The semi Skeletal Draconequus spoke as he lowered himself to eye level with Luna and placed a claw to his chest and titled his head proudly. "I pride myself on getting folks to their destination on time." as he finished he causally dropped the smaller Draconequus to the floor.
"Now Luna" Mortimer began as he leaned in even closer to Luna till his skeletal muzzle was almost touching Luna's as the two red dots that served as his eyes focused in on her completely. "I assume you have a very good reason for rushing me along, death may not wait for anyone, but he certainly doesn't like being rushed."
"Can't I just "invite" an old friend over for a visit?" Luna answered as sweetly as possible gaining no visible response from Mortimer's skeletal grin.
"You see me every day, every single day."
"Those are more like business trips than visiting."
"Well then" Mortimer began as he took his "eyes" off Luna and quickly gave Celestia a glance, before finally stopping on Discord who lay beneath him staring up at him. "If you'll excuse me I've got a schedule to keep, there's a hundred and twenty two year old grandmother in Ponyville who won't escape me this time." he finished as his head tilted up and his gaze shifted on an empty wall. "The score might be twenty nine to nothing Granny Smith, but today is the day I win." he spoke a hint of bitterness in his voice.
With that his eyes flared red and shadows rapidly enveloped him, after several seconds the shadows began to dissipate leaving a rather confused God of Death. Once again his eyes flared red and the shadows and stench of death enveloped him and just like before they faded to reveal the large Draconequus still perched where he had been previously.
"What. Did. You. Do" He spoke through clenched teeth as he glared down at the ever shrinking Night Goddess
"Nothing!" Luna shouted defensively as she tried to back away but found that every step she took away Mortimer took to steps towards her. "It was just a summoning spell, nothing more."
"Actually" Celestia finally spoke up a hint of fear in her voice, "I tried to stop you Luna, but you were too focused, that wasn't a summoning ritual, it was a binding ritual."
"Uh oh" Luna whispered to herself as she turned back to the Skeletal Draconequus his empty sockets now literally on fire as flames poured out of his eyes and mouth.
"Fix. It"
"She can't" Celestia answered flatly "She could if she had bound you to herself, but she didn’t; she painted the binding symbols on the castle meaning that's what you're bound to."
"Then remove it" he hissed as he bolted towards the white Alicorn stopping only a few inches from her.
"I can't, we'll have to wait for it to run its course. Now calm down, we'll get this fixed."
"Calm down?" Mortimer repeated as the flames slowly began to die out. "Do you know how many creatures are supposed to die today? Two thousand nine hundred and seven, would you like to know how they're going to die? Or what their last thought will be? Even better do either of you remember what happens to someone who dies and death doesn't show up for them?"
"They're trapped in their own bodies till someone comes and gets them" Luna answered as she stared at the ground. "But we can cover for you, Celly and I used to play the role of Death before we can do it again."
"You're both too emotional" Mortimer answered as he summoned one of his countless scrolls listing those who would die on this day.
"No we're no-" Luna was cut off before she could finish
"You cried and pleaded with me when your goldfish died, how would you go about telling a foal that he had to go away and he wouldn't see his family again for a very long time? Would you like me to tell you how many foals will die today?" The Draconequus spat at them "Would you like to know their hopes and dreams? You three get to play the fun roles this time, sitting in your castle and enjoying life. While I'm forced to take it away. I don't get to calm down." He finished as he turned his gaze back to the two Alicorns, flames returning to his eyes as realized they had both left. Almost instantly there was a flash of light and both of them returned.
"Done" Celestia said with a relieved sigh
"Where did you go?" Mortimer hissed again
"Everywhere!" the Sun Goddess answered with a laugh
"Don't play games with me" The Draconequus growled as the flames began to grow.
"No" Celestia began calmly as she picked up Mortimer's scroll and unrolled it "We went everywhere" she spoke as she turned the scroll for the Draconequus to see.
"How" Mortimer muttered to himself as he watched name after name vanish from the scroll, every few seconds he'd summon another one and it was always the same names constantly vanishing. "How?" he repeated as he stared down at the two Alicorns.
"We split up and covered each death for the next two months." Celestia said with a smile "We're currently personally escorting ponies to the afterlife as we speak.... or we did... or we plan to I don't know anymore."
"Hhm" Mortimer began as he returned the scroll to its proper place "Apparently I've misjudged you two, you've grown quite a lot since the last time we properly talked." any anger that remained in his voice slowly fading away.
"We saved you Granny Smith" Luna added with a laugh
"She shot you didn't she?" The Skeletal Draconequus asked with a chuckle
"Just a bit" Celestia answered as she rubbed her flank. That mare might have been old, but she was one hell of a shot. "Oh I almost forgot" she added as she summoned a box "She was wondering what happened to you and when we told her what we did she made you something." the Sun Goddess finished as she passed the box to him.
Mortimer hesitated as he held the box in his claws, he wasn't sure if he wanted to open the box knowing Granny Smith's tactics, he could open the box and Boom! He’s picking bits and pieces of himself off the floor again. Eventually he worked up the courage to slowly open the box and after about a minute of the slowest box opening Equestria has ever known he removed the lid, revealing a freshly baked pie.
"Well that was sweet of her, Discord come here for a second" The Skeletal Draconequus commanded as he shifted his gaze to the much smaller Draconequus cowering inside a crudely made book fort. Quickly Discord made his way over to the rest of the group, whether out of curiosity or fear nobody could tell.
"Try some of this pie" Mortimer insisted as he levitated a small piece into Discord's talons. The rest of the group silently watched as the God of Chaos scarfed down the piece he was given.
"It’s goo-" *Thud*
"Clever girl" Mortimer stated as he stared down at the once again deceased Discord.
"So then, seeing as I'm now trapped here thanks to you three, I guess it's time to talk about my accommodations"
"Oh yes" Celestia began "We've got a rather nice roo-"
"Do you have a dungeon?" Mortimer interrupted
"Yes...." Celestia answered awkwardly "But I'm sure you'd be more comfortable in the rooms we have."
"No, just have the furniture sent to the dungeon, I'd rather enjoy being a bit distant from the all the living things."
"Very well, anything else you think would make your stay more comfortable?"
"Well" Mortimer began to think as he tapped a claw to his skull "Since I outrank all of you, I would like a bathtub with two waterfalls."
"How do you even know about that?!" the Sun Goddess asked in confusion
"You've died in that tub about 3 times now" the skeletal Draconequus answered flatly, two of those times you got drunk and passed out in the tub, the third time you got drunk and decided to play "Toaster in the tub" with Luna, at the time I thought it was some incredibly creepy name for some weird fetish game, but no. I had to bring both of you idiots back here because you literally dropped toasters into each other’s tub."
"Oooooh yeah" both Luna and Celestia spoke in unison
"I'd also like a pretty crown like the one you two got." Mortimer added as he picked up Celestia crown from her head and slowly lowered it onto his own head.
"Very well, we'll get your "Room" set up, please try not to cause instant panic the moment you leave this room and we'll see you at dinner." With that Celestia vanished in a flash of light.
"Sorryfortrappingyouinthecastle" Luna blurted as she teleported off.
Mortimer gave a soft chuckle "Well, that haven't grown that much, but at least they've grown."
{6 Hours Later}
"So Mr.Quackers" Chrysalis spoke as she stared at the duck floating in the corner of the tub "I see they've improved the conditions of your prison as a way to mock me" the Changeling Queen stared hatefully at the not one, but two waterfalls that now adorned Mr.Quackers punishment tub.
"Hello again" rang a strangely familiar from behind the Changeling Queen "May I ask why you're playing with a rubber duck in my bathtub?"
Chrysalis kept her gaze focused on the rubber duck "Mr.Quackers tried to kill me, he has to be punished for that act of treason" she finished speaking as she turned to see who she was talking to. It took a few seconds for her to realize what she was staring at, but when she did the halls of Canterlot Castle echoed with the screams of the Changeling Queen as she fled from the dungeon.
"Poor dear" Mortimer spoke to himself as he picked up the small yellow rubber duck "I wonder what's got her so spooked."
Have a nice visual image of Mortimer
Art by the amazing Grievousfan Go check out her art, she's got some of the best Discord/Celestia/Luna art around.
May I remind you all of "Does wittow woona want a cookie"
Okay folks, serious Author Note time, I do apologize for Morty's inconsistent personality, I'm running on two hours of sleep (It's now 4PM, I've been up since 4:30AM) My plan for Morty is someone who uses humor to get by, he's the one who has to deal with the worst possible things in life, but at the same time he's isn't just moping because of how horrible it is. But at the same time, he's got a job to do and if someone gets in his way, he's going to get rather upset.
Unless it's Granny Smith, I mean who could be mad at a "Sweet" old granny?
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So that's how Granny is still around.
Your verson of mort is fucking fantastic
Mort looks AMAZING!!!!
Seriously they have the best bathtubs.
I guess the MythBuckers haven't caught up to the MythBusters and busted that myth in Equestria yet
Hmm... Favorited, for a few months now.... but still haven't liked....
Also, Mortimer is a Boss.
Well looks like we have a new guest to the castle I wonder how Sombra and Nibbles will react to him? Do you plan to put Death in the other story?
Oh. This Mort, not the other one.
Not bad. static.minecraftforum.net//public/style_emoticons/default/soup.png
Thank you for giving one more reason to randomly burst out into laughter!
This will most likely last me trough a entire week!
Wait, wasn't she older than the given age?
I mean, since she was at the very founding of Ponyville and whatnot? 
I almost thought this would turn out to be the episode of Family Guy where regularly mortal folks wouldn't be affected by death no matter what they do
EDIT: Also, congrats on the 1000 likes, dude
Oooooooh shiet! We got 1000 likes, folks! Bring out the hookers and booze!
I am of the opinion that these should be taken and made into an official spin-off series. Just sayin'
>>>"Calm down?" Mortimer repeated as the flames slowly began to die out. "Do you know how many creatures are supposed to die today? Two thousand nine hundred and seven, would you like to know how they're going to die? Or what their last thought will be? Even better do either of you remember what happens to someone who dies and death doesn't show up for them?">>>
Ooooo, that sounds lovely! Do tell!
Hmmm I got it!
3583913
3584136
Granny be old, But I'm under the assumption that Ponyville isn't that old yet, especially with how small of a town it appears to be.
3583934
Thank you, hopefully his creator think so too.
3583937
Honestly, he's got one of the coolest appearances for an Original Character I've ever seen.
3583960
3584284
Does this mean I made it? Am I a real author now?!
3583974
Yeash, I've even got Sombra's first encounter with him, it goes back to Sombra's back story and it'll be slightly depressing again, but happy at the same time.
3583982
Who's the other mort?
3584021
Glad to hear you enjoyed it
3584096
Yeah, this is Celestia's bathtub from the comic series derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDQvMjQvMTVfMTNfNDhfNjcyXzMwNzEyOV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfcHJpbmNlc3NfY2VsZXN0aWFfd2V0X21hbmVfc3BvaWxlcl9jb21pY181MTc3ZWRiYmE0YzcyZDQ3M2MwMDAwZGEuanBnIl1d/307129__safe_princess-celestia_wet-mane_spoiler-comic_5177edbba4c72d473c0000da.jpg
3584324
That would be amazing, but sadly it's just an authors fantasy and I'm okay with that as long as people are still enjoying the stories, I'm happy.
3584382
RUBBER DUCKY YOU'RE THE ONE, WHO MAKES BATH TIME SO MUCH FUN
3584411 I love that song!
3584403
Mort Takes a Holiday
fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/30613.jpg?1368496002
Been wary of reading it, since it hasn't updated since April
mortys so spoiled. 2 waterfalls in his bathtub
3583913>>3584111>>3584136
Granny Smith is older than Sweet Apple Acres, which is older than Ponyville.
If there's one thing I know about the Apple family, it's how stubborn they can be.
Granny Smith is to stubborn to die.
Now the score is Granny Smith: 30, Gods: 0
3584509 Ha-HAH!
3584403
It means this story is in my Top 10 Favorite Stories On This Fucking Site!
Which, I gotta admit, is actually an achievement considering what I think is the best of the best. I may fav a lot of stories, but I can honestly say this is a story I always look forward to.
BWA HA HA
3584450 i have a story in my fav that hasn't updated in a YEAR
read it and pester pester pester
3584682
Dude you literally have no idea how awesome you just made me feel.
This is a feel I always want to feel.
3584709
You think that's bad, I started following Nightmare's Don't Last Forever when it was released September 2011, it hasn't been updated since Nov 2011
3584709
I have a bunch in my fav that decided to stop updating. I tend not to read those.
Have you heard of "Tales of the Winter Magic Academy"? It had 50 chapters, excellent characterization, and an epic story arc mystery being foreshadowed....then he quit, and deleted the story from Fimfic. Last place it exists is on Dev-Art.
3584737 shame
yet the oc Cassandra cant seem to die
3584450
Meh gosh, that's so awesome!
3584403
You're missing the " before the 'two'.
3583913 You know what that means- she'll be around in Born to Chaos and Nightmares. Either that, or she'll have done what AJ did and steal Mortys stuff. Element of Honesty? More like Element of Thievery.
Good old Granny Smith. She's even more inevitable than death itself
3586760
Works for me.
Granny Smith is nearly immortal... I knew it
3584403 Considering the fact I've read the story with Mort in it, in the story he looks different :/
3584411 Best. Song. EVER!!!!
3595057
It's okay, I did too
3584096
20 waterfalls
Oh my Luna. Don't know whats funnier. The picture or the chapter.
LOL granny smith
:D
3584403 other Mort is a skelepony that loves candy mountain
Leave Mr Quackers alone! And give Chryssie a waterfall.
Lol, poor Chryssie. And Mortimer is awesome.