Episode 6: No Guy's We Need to Explore (John Madden)
(Authour Note: All of you should thank ZeroInfinity http://www.fimfiction.net/user/ZeroInfinity for being the best editor/PreReader ever)
The three groggy Alicorns picked themselves off the floor. It had been several hours since Discord had knocked them unconscious. From what the three could tell, some of the ponies had attempted to carry them into Discord’s room. However they seemed to have given up after pulling Celestia partially through the door, mostly likely due to her weight.
I'm not getting fat, am I? Celestia asked herself as she stared at her flank. No, I have to focus on the situation at hoof, she told herself. The next few minutes were spent with the three mares rubbing their heads trying to remember what had occurred earlier that day. Several minutes passed, but eventually they began to remember every detail, including Discord’s little stunt.
"When I get my hooves on that damn lizard!" screeched Nightmare Moon.
"Wait your turn Nightmare, I get first swing at him." Luna said, a twitch in her eye and burning hatred on her face.
Celestia remained calm, not breaking her regal tone "We need to calm down and act rationally here."
It was only then that the two other Alicorns had actually gotten a good look at Celestia, and neither of them could help but let out a snicker.
"What?" asked a puzzled Celestia.
Neither of them answered her, and instead Luna entered the room and Nightmare burst into a laughing fit. "What? What!?" asked a panicked Celestia. Still receiving no answer from either pony. Eventually though Luna returned from the room, holding a mirror above her head. She aimed the mirror so that Celestia could get a clear look at herself. It took a minute for Celestia to notice any thing odd about her appearance. At the end of her face sat a large black moustache.
Celestia attempted to remove the facial hair with her magic and, at first, it appeared to work. However, her relief was quickly crushed as it reappeared, she tried to remove it several times but each ended with the same result for every moustache. Celestia fell silent and entered a state of eerie calmness.
"When we find him, nobody is to touch him, understand?" Celestia finally spoke maintaining her regal tone.
"But Celly! He needs to be punished." whined Luna.
"You can't expect me to let that fool get away with this!" Shouted Nightmare.
A grin began to spread across Celestia's face, however, she did not break her regal stance or tone.
"Trust me, when I'm done with Discord, he'll wish he could die."
If Luna and Nightmare hadn't been freaked out yet, they were quite terrified now. Luna had never seen her sister like this. Though no creature had ever had the nerve to taze her and then place an enchanted moustache on her. Nightmare still vividly remembered the evening her and Luna had been banished to the moon, and looking back on it now, she realized that the look on Celestia's face was the same as that night.
Luna was the first to work of the courage to speak. "You're not actually going to hurt him, are you Celly? Sure, he tazed you and put an enchanted moustache on you, but we kind of did taze him first."
After considering Luna's words for a couple of seconds, Celestia had decided the incineration might be over reacting.
"You're right Luna, maybe I'll just send him Lunar for a bit." Celestia took one more attempt at removing the moustache, with no results as per the usual. "Let's go hunt us a god." she said with a smile as she trotted down the hall.
Half an hour later, Discord and Celestia had entered into a magical duel. Celestia was quite surprised, as she was unaware of how much power Discord had recovered. He was matching her spells with his own brand of magic, though from the amount of power Discord was using it was quite clear he had no plans on actually harming her.
"Give up Discord, and I'll go easy on you." Celestia shouted as she fired another magical bolt at him.
"Never!" returned Discord as he dived back behind the table that he had been using for cover.
Luna and Moony continued to watch from the sidelines, where they had sat for the last ten minutes. Though they would have deeply enjoyed a little action in their day, they would have to settle for a show and some popcorn. Luna had a better time enjoying the show than Nightmare, who still demanded blood.
"You gonna eat that?" Luna asked, motioning towards Moony's popcorn. Nightmare shook her head, and then slid her bag of popcorn over to Luna.
"Hurry up and send him to the moon! I want my turn with him!" shouted Nightmare.
The sudden outburst from Nightmare grabbed Discord’s attention.
"You're planning to send me to the moon?!" Discord shouted as Celestia continued her assault.
"Remove the Mustache and maybe I'll reconsider it." Celestia shouted back as she prepared herself for the final attack.
"Never!" Discord screamed as he prepared himself to counter her attack.
Luna and Nightmare were getting excited, the battle was getting good. From the energy forming around Celestia's horn both of them could tell what was coming up next. Discord was about to go lunar and they both knew how bright it was about to get. Luna pulled a pair of sunglasses from some unseen location and passed a pair to Nightmare.
Both Discord and Celestia released their stored up magic in a concentrated beam. The beams met each other in the center of the room, both struggling for victory. Celestia and Discord both began to fear that they might be the one to lose the battle, so they both increased their magical output. However, this turned out to be a bad idea for all parties involved. The magical energies backfired, and the room was engulfed in a blinding light.
The only thing that could be heard in the room was Discord shouting what he believed to be his final words, a simple "I have no regrets!" Then, the light fully engulfed him.
Several seconds later all traces of the battle were gone. This included the three Alicorns and Draconequis. Eventually, one of the maids who had heard the commotion worked up the courage to open the door. The mare was completely stunned. There were no signs of the Princesses, Nightmare moon or Discord, but the mare was sure of what she had heard.
Meanwhile, 238,857 miles from Equestria
"I hate you all." muttered Nightmare Moon.
"Hey! What did I do?" asked Luna defensively
"You didn't let me fall when I was dangling from the edge, I could be dead right now. But instead, I'm stuck here with you idiots." the angry mare said as she wiped the moon dirt from her coat.
"I'll rip your wings off Discord, and turn them into a hat." Screamed Celestia as she strangled Discord with her bare hooves.
Discord struggled under the weight of Celestia. Sweet Chaos is she heavy, he thought to himself as he tried to crawl out from beneath her.
Luna sighed "Discord, just take away the moustache so we can find a way off this rock."
"Okay, okay..." he said, struggling as he snapped his fingers. With a snap the moustache was gone and Celestia returned to her normal, flawless self.
"Much better!" Celestia said as she felt her flawless face.
"Oh good, I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't fixed you." Nightmare Moon said sarcastically. "So how do we get off this rock, because a thousand years here doesn't seem so appealing the second time around." she finished as she kicked a small pebble.
Celestia climbed off Discord and returned back to her regal pose. "Don't worry, the spell should wear off in a couple of hours. After that we should be returned to the place where it was first cast."
"So what? We just sit on the moon for a few hours?" Discord asked, already completely bored with the lack of things to do on the bleak rock.
Discord turned to Luna and Nightmare moon. Luna had begun to draw in the dirt and Nightmare Moon had already laid down, apparently attempting to sleep through the ordeal.
"So, what did you two do for fun up here?" Discord asked causally as he leaned over, Luna attempting to see what she had drawn.
Nightmare Moon sat up. A look of pure terror and fear covered her face. "No, Luna, I know you’re not that cruel."
Luna looked up from her drawing, an insane grin plastered on her face. She turned to Nightmare and nodded, then looked towards the sky and a let loose a blood curdling cry.
"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" Luna's cry eventually ceased and all Discord and Celestia could do was stare.
"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" came the returned cries from across the moon.
The same terror that had covered Moony's face soon covered both Celestia and Discord as they realized they were not alone out there.
"What was that?!?" asked a panicked Celestia as her gaze shifted around, hoping to spot any incoming creatures, though her gaze was met by nothing but more dust and moon rocks.
Luna didn't answer her sisters question. Instead, she continued to stare off into space with a pleased smile on her face.
I haven't seen them for a year, and they’re still here. How lucky am I? Luna thought to herself. Her smile only continued to grow.
Celestia turned her gaze to Nightmare who still looked equally terrified. What could be up here that would cause her even the slightest amount of fear? Celestia asked herself, only increaseing her fears.
"Nightmare, what was that?" Celestia asked, still trying to find the source of the cry.
"Not what, who. The only one we ever met that could speak coherently called itself a human. The others quickly swarmed it." Moony answered as she joined Celestia in her search for the source of the sound.
"So are they dangerous?" Celestia nervously asked. She didn't like the thought of there being more then one.
"Not dangerous, just stupid, like Discord but without the humor." Nightmare said, not taking her eyes off the horizon.
"Hey" an insulted Discord called out.
"I see something!" shouted Celestia, pointing out towards a large object moving in quickly.
Nightmare facehoofed. "Sweet Darkness, they have the rover."
Luna let out an audible squeal "Really? They have the rover!?" She squealed again and clapped Moony. "I love the rover!"
The four watched as the black shape grew closer, and eventually the vehicle stopped in front of them. From what Celestia could tell, there were three "Humans" operating the vehicle. The creatures were oddly shaped, apparently built to walk on two legs instead of four. The creatures wore strange suits. Celestia assumed they were to help the creatures survive on the less then inhabitable rock.
"AEIOU?" Asked the Human who was apparently controlling the vehicle.
"AEIOU!" Luna happily responded as she jumped on the back and motioned for them to go.
The vehicle sped off over the bumpy lunar surface, leaving Nightmare Moon, Discord and Celestia in awkward silence.
"What was that?!" Discord asked, still trying to grasp what had just occurred.
"That, my dear Discord, was the past one thousand years of my life." answered Nightmare Moon, who looked unaffected by the event that had just transpired.
"JOHN MADDEN, JOHN MADDEN, JOHN MADDEN, JOHN MADDEN, JOHN MADDEN!" was the sound of another human as he came out of a crater.
The sudden noise and appearance of the creature startled the three of them. How many more of them are there? Celestia asked herself. She had never seen such creatures before, yet they had lived above the planet for at least a thousand years. However, Celestia's thoughts were interrupted as the creature approached her.
"Football?' it asked her
"I'm sorry could you repeat that?" Celestia asked, determined to make some form of intelligent contact with the creature.
"Football?" it repeated.
"I'm sorry." Celestia answered not quite sure what the creature was asking.
"Here let me." Nightmare said as she stepped between Celestia and the creature.
"Football?" the creature asked for a third time.
"John Madden." Nightmare answered.
Having received what must have been a correct response the creature began to grow excited, as it started to jump up and down.
"Oh no, another Chinese earthquake." the creature stated.
Celestia was confused. There was no earthquake, however before she could ask the creature what it had meant, Nightmare answered.
"Ebrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrb" answered Nightmare
Once again, the creature seemed pleased by this answer. Apparently the creature was done with its questions, as it happily bounded off across the moon. All three waited and watched as the creature eventually vanished into the distances. After they sure it was gone, they proceeded to scan the horizon for any more of them.
"So you and Luna had to deal with these things for a thousand years?" Celestia asked
"Only when Luna was in control, when I was in control I spent most of the time trying to prove we were not immortal." answered Nightmare, as she tried to remember all the ways she attempted to end her torture.
"I never thought I would say this, but, I'm sorry. If I had known what kind of creatures were up here. I would have sent you to the sun or another planet." Celestia said as she awkwardly placed a hoof on Nightmare.
"Well, I'm not quite sure how to take that. I guess thank yo-" Nightmare was cut off by the screams of Discord.
"Oh sweet Celestia!" he shouted
"Yes?" She answered
"Get this thing off me!" He yelled, turning to reveal the Human that had pounced him.
After struggling for a few seconds, Discord was able to pry the creature off of himself, then threw it on the ground. Discord waited a second, to see if it would flee or continue its attack. Just as Discord had hoped, the creature began its approach on Discord. Discord prepared himself to vaporize the creature the instant it attacked. However, he never got a chance to fire as a familiar magical glow covered him and the two Alicorns.
With a flash they were transported back to Canterlot Castle. Discord, Celestia and Nightmare pulled themselves up off the floor. Celestia had never felt so happy to be home. After two hours on the moon she had almost gone insane, though she had gained a new sense of respect for Nightmare Moon. Discord was happy to be home as well, though a little sad that he didn't get to vaporize anything.
"Oh sweet!" Came the excited cry of Luna.
Celestia flinched. She had forgotten about Luna. Celestia could only pray that Luna hadn't brought anything back with her. When Celestia turned her head she was met with slight relief. Though Luna hadn't brought any humans back with her, she had brought the rover back. In a flash any relief Celestia had felt was erased, as Luna started the engine.
"AEIOU!" The Lunar Princess cried as she hit the gas and slammed through the castle wall.
"We never speak of this again." Celestia said as she stood up and left the room, leaving Discord and Nightmare in stunned silence.
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.....what?
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!I get it!Moonbase Alpha!
No wonder Luna's a little on the crazy end now....
*spits Pepsi*
Bloody hilarious!
Whoa... this fic sudenly got 20% cooler with the prereaders.
Best of the series this far
117105 uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
This chapter was bloody hilarious. Poor Nightmare, stuck on the moon with that crazy Luna. And now Luna has a Moon rover in the castle. Do I predict a possible Mario Kart episode in the making? Time will tell
I was wondering what the "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" part was for. And then the "AEIOU" bit appeared and I fell over laughing. Well done.
Ohhh no! Lunas got a rover.... EVERYONE RUN FOR COVER!!!!!
117106
Moonbase Alpha?
Hilarious... I lol'ed even harder now that the grammar is at least 20% cooler.
Also... Football, anyone?
An accurate representation of Equestrian Royalty
......what the buck was that?....
117262 an accurate recreation of life on the moon.
the funny thing is, is that the nfl playoffs are on
You did...you actually did it
But now that you did Im glad
117843
I did it and it was totally worth it.
108761
Actually I'm trying my best not to push Nightmare out, in fact for the next chapter I'm trying to set it up just for her.
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
fucking lulzy, nice job
... All I can say is "holla holla get $".
d37nnnqwv9amwr.cloudfront.net/entries/icons/original/000/006/137/130856000524.gif
I couldn't think of anything clever to say because I was laughing too hard.
131337
This pleases me greatly
Okay, I can't help it. This story is way too funny.
You are a genious sir, a genious!
what the fuck was that?
171718
I'm not sure I'll re read it in the morning when my eyes stop burning
This is to clarify any confusion on this matter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hv6RbEOlqRo you have been warned...
Honestly, I laughed so hard from this I got a headache.
Oh my goddesses that was brilliant.
Now we need a video called "Luna found a Moon Rover" to go with "£Rarity found an Abram" and others.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Fyw7jbItMk&feature=related for an explanation.
117135 999 999 999
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU so much win
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Aeiou
Mercy! Mercy! Have your thumbs-up! Arrgh, I have a stitch in my side from laughing.
117135
holla holla get $
26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzs4mhhL1q1qfgdsgo1_400.jpg
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu 999-999-999
That made me laugh a bit more than it should.
830172
Oh god, this video made me lose it. AND EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW
Oh wow you made me laugh sooo hard. AEIOU!
Moonbase alpha ftw
Snake?
snake!
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHH
Snake!
snake?
snake!
thats one small step for man. one giant leap for john madden
Here have some moonbase alpha
....*blinks*
2217325 that was pretty much my response as well o.o
This is the best thing I have ever read.
Ever.
In the history of ever.
Aeiou.
Glorious! Bats**t Crazy Luna is best Luna!
And why is there no Luna emoticon thingie??