Chapter - Camping
Deep in the Everfree Forest three gods, an immortal Unicorn, a Changeling Hybrid and Nightmare Moon continued to march towards their destination.
"Are we there yet?" Discord whined as he dragged himself along the ground. The group had been walking since their carriages had dropped them off just outside of Ponyville. Discord had been whining from the very beginning.
"No" the rest of the party answered in annoyed unison
"How do you know when we are there?" The Draconequus groaned as he picked himself up off the ground and continued to trudge along lagging slightly behind the group as they passed through some of the denser forest.
Luna gave a sigh as she prepared to answer Discord's question again for the sixth or seventh time.
"Whenever Celestia decides to stop walking that's when we've reached the campsite."
"That's a terrible plan, even by my standards." Discord retorted "Why didn't we take a map?"
"Can you read a map?" Nightmare answered as she turned to face both Discord and Luna who were now both starting to lag behind even more.
"Yes" Discord responded proudly and then quickly faltered "No... but in my defense I typically just wander. Beside, you, Luna and Celestia are the organized ones can't one of you read a map?"
"The whole of my knowledge is what I've learned on my own in the past year or so and everything Luna knew when I was in her head. Fun fact, Luna cannot read a map. She can however communicate fluently in the tongue of the Deep Ones" Nightmare added, a vague look of horror on her face as she finished speaking.
"It's true" Luna shrugged "Can't read a map to save my immortal life, but I can threaten Nightmare in several languages. Nightmare fhtagn!" Luna finished as she shouted and pointed angrily at Nightmare before trotting past the mare and towards her sister.
"So what about Celestia?" Discord asked as he watched Luna trot away. "There's no way she doesn't know how to read a map." He finished shifting his gaze back to Nightmare and narrowly avoiding tripping over a branch jutting out of the ground.
"Nope Celestia has no clue either, from Luna's older memories apparently if Celestia wanted to go somewhere she'd just line her self up in the general direction and walk forward till she reached it. In fact, there's still a couple perfectly Celestia shaped holes in mountains from when she went to war with the Griffin empire while you were in stone."
"I would have loved to see how that ended." Discord muttered with a smile
"Terror" Nightmare stated with a rather happy menacing grin "The Griffin Emperor surrendered before Celestia even arrived at the front gate. Apparently he had sent some advanced troops to stop her but she just kept walking he though she'd neve-"
Nightmare was cut off by a loud crashing sound. Both her and Discord quickly turned back to face the main group and just barely managed to get out of the way of a large falling tree that appeared to have been smashed at the base.
"See" The black Alicorn stated flatly as she pointed towards Celestia who was still calmly marching forward a couple splinters of wood falling out of her mane. "Once she starts walking like this she doesn't stop until she gets where she's going."
"How is it that this has never come to my attention in the past?" Discord asked as he scratched his chin a look of semi confusion on his face.
"You don't normally come on these trips, you stay back with Chrysalis, harass the staff or end up as a garden ornament because you annoyed Sparkle and her friends. Why did you come?" Nightmare added with a suspicious glare.
"Chrysalis said she do some unsavory things to me if I stayed."
"Why not harass Sparkle, you never miss a chance to spread chaos in that overly cheerful nightmare of a village."
"Twilight said she do even more unsavory things to me." the Draconequus hints of fear spread across his face.
"And what if I threatened to do unsavory things to you?" Nightmare asked with a sly grin
"My dear, they'd only be unsavory to onlooker." Discord responded with a wink
"Fhtagn!" Came a disgusted shout from Luna as she tried to keep her lunch down.
"Keep that up and I won't let you help m-" Nightmare's train of thought was derailed as the party came to a halt causing Discord to slam into Nightmare, and Nightmare into Luna.
"We have arrived" Celestia stated as she finally broke her former stern unblinking composure.
"Wait a second" Nightmare spoke as she realized where they were standing "This isn't the normal clearing at all, this is where you sent Luna and I to the moon." Pointing to the perfect circle of still dead plant life at the very center of the clearing.
"Yep" Celestia answered with a peaceful expression "A lot of happy memories in this clearing. One thousand years of peace, not having to share a bathroom a problem we luckily solved with the new castle or you might still be up there. Yep, a fine place to camp."
"That's messed up." Luna stated flatly "You had the bathroom to yourself for a thousand years?!"
"Really?" Nightmare spoke flatly with a raise brow. "We spent a thousand years on that rock and you're concerned about her getting a bathroom to herself."
"It was a really nice bathroom." Luna spoke as she stared off at the sky thinking about just how nice that bathroom was. "The bath had like six waterfalls and there was a fireplace."
"Luna I get it, it was a nice ba- wait you had a fireplace in the bathroom. If you had told me that we would have destroyed her and claimed Equestria for ourselve-" Nightmare found herself cut off as she was suddenly pelted with one of the larger saddlebags.
"Camping!" Nibbles shouted as he tore through the bags looking for the snacks he had packed.
Sombra laughed "He not like waiting much." the Unicorn finished speaking as he moved to help the hybrid search through his bag more thoroughly until the two managed to find the stash of cookies they had brought. "We set up tents?" Sombra spoke as he used his magic to return the other items to their proper places in the bag.
Without hesitation Discord snapped his talons and a rather large and luxurious looking tent was brought into existence. Before he had a chance to make a smug remark the Draconequus was knocked off his feet by a fast flying frying pan.
"We agreed no advanced magic.' Celestia spoke as she approached the tent and with a single kick she brought the tent down.
"Was the frying pan necessary?" Discord groaned as he rubbed the side of his face.
"No, but I had a twenty bit bet with Luna that I could find an excuse to hit you with something before sun down. It also makes a good excuse to remind everyone that we agreed to no advanced magics till the trip is over."
"Why is that again?" Nightmare asked with an annoyed expression. "Normally we just come out here and do whatever for a couple of days."
"Teamwork building, this trip isn't just for relaxing." The white Alicorn smiled as she spoke "Twilight says her and her friends go camping every few months and it does wonders for their relationship but she thinks if we all just use magic we won't properly interact."
"Sparkle" Nightmare hissed under her breath
"Now we'll work together and get everyone's tents set up." Celestia stated happily as she unloaded her saddle bags.
Back in Canterlot
"I can't believe that worked." Chrysalis stated with great joy as she lounged in the spa chair.
"Chrysalis" Cadance begin as she laid back in the mud bath "If there is one thing that Twilight is perfect at, it's planning, isn't that right Twilight?"
"Eeeyup" Twilight answered happily as she laid flat on the massage table and masseuse worked her back.
"Six days without stupidity... or dying" Chrysalis sighed
"Three days" Twilight corrected "There is no way they last more than three days two hours without their advanced magic and convincing Princess Celestia to ban it was the only way to keep them from coming back at random and ruining everything."
"Still even one day without dying is a good day." Chrysalis sighed once more as she let her eyes closed and she drifted into peaceful sleep.
Back in the Everfree Forest
"See that wasn't that bad." Celestia spoke happily as she dropped the mallet having finally placed the last tent peg firmly into the ground. Looking up from the tent she was unsurprised by the fact that everyone had snuck off save for Sombra and Nibbles who were happily enjoying a picnic after setting up their own tents. Giving a sigh the white Alicorn stepped over her bags and trotted over to where Sombra and Nibbles were seated.
"You Hungry?" Sombra asked Celestia as you levitated a Sandwich to her.
Celestia was about ask where the others had gone off to but the rubble from her stomach answered for her. With a thank you she took the Sandwich in her magically grasp and began to chow down.
"These are really good" Celestia spoke through a mouth full of food as she dug through the sack for the Sandwich she assume Sombra had packed for one of the others.
"Nibbles make them" Sombra stated happily
"Food!" Nibbles shouted as his magically tendrils held his sandwich above his head. "Make food, eat food!" he shouted happily.
Celestia was surprised to say the least "I didn't take you for someone who would like cooking Nibbles."
"Make food, eat food!" Nibbles repeated as he hoisted his Sandwich once more into the air with his magic.
"Make food, eat food!" Celestia shouted in response "Kid, don't tell anyone but you've discovered the meaning of life." The Alicorn finished with a hearty laugh as she patted the hybrids head.
Elsewhere in the Forest Discord and Nightmare were happily enjoying a peaceful walk through one of the more sunlit paths.
"You know Sparkle set us up right?" Nightmare spoke as she tilted her gaze partially towards Discord who was happily walking at her side.
"Quite aware my dear Moony, let them have their fun. I've already set my own counter plans into action."
"And what is your plan my scaly friend?" Nightmare asked as the two of them came to a stop under one of the more shade providing trees.
"Well our good friend Chrysalis is having fantastic time, I even heard from a little birdy that she's invited both Twilight Sparkle and the esteemed Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Coincidentally it looks like there was a mix up in Celestia's paper work. Quite the shame really." Discord continued to speak with an ever growing grin. "Instead of cancelling morning court for the next three days and two hours they'll be holding a special full day court for anyone in Equestria for any problem."
"First off, why specifically three days and two hours?" Nightmare asked with confusion
"Twilight thinks us fools, with the magical restrictions Celestia's imposing on us there's no way we go the full six days she has planned. By the third day she'll have had enough of our "bonding" time."
"I'm impressed Discord."
"Thank you" Discord responded with a slight blush
"You overheard her planning didn't you." Nightmare spoke flatly
"Eeeyup heard her and Chrysalis talking a few night before Celestia decided we were going camping."
"So you're only here to avoid all day "morning" court with Chrysalis and Twilight?" Nightmare's expression shifting from amused to slightly annoyed.
"Actually that was a bonus my dear Moony, the changes to the morning court were done just before we left. I was hoping the camping trip would give us some time for "unsavory" activities where we don't have to pretend to be trying to murder each other constantly.
"Were supposed to be pretending?!" Nightmare feigned innocence
"Hardy har har" Discord faked a laugh "You were really good at pretending when you dropped the chandelier on me yesterday.
Nightmare gave a hearty laugh "Everything I do, I do out of love. Now what were you saying about "unsavory" activities."
ELSEWHERE IN THE FOREST
Luna silently crept through the more dense portion of the forest hoping that if anyone had followed her from the clearing they would have lost sight and given up following. She was rather glad that Celestia had changed the plans last minute, the clearing where she had been fired off into space was only a few minutes away from their old castle.
"Here we are!" the Alicorn shouted triumphantly as she broke free from the forest and into the clearing that held her old home. Realizing that she may have given away her position she quickly put a hoof to her mouth and scanned the trees for any sign of a follower. Once she was certain nobody had followed her or more specifically was sure Discord hadn't followed her she turned back towards the rather unstable looking bridge that lead towards the castle.
"I don't think this is up to codes." Luna laughed to herself as she tapped the bridge with hoof causing the entire thing to wobble. The Alicorn was about to take to the skies when she realized that might draw unwanted attention. Carefully she put one hoof onto the still wobbling rope bridge and in an instant the whole shoddy structure went plummeting into the pit below nearly taking Luna with it as she narrowly managed to pull her hoof off the wooden plank and regain her footing.
"Yeah that's not up to code in the slightest." Luna sighed as she took to the air and gently glided to the other side. Luna gave one last glance down towards the pit looking for any sign of the fallen bridge. After a couple of seconds Luna gave up her search for the bridge and made her way towards the castle and was surprised when she was met by two royal guards standing at the gate.
"Princess Luna!" one of the guards shouted catching his partner off guard as the two quickly moved to salute their ruler.
"At ease" the Alicorn responded still not sure what was currently happening. "What exactly are you two doing out here?"
"Princess Twilight sent ten of us out here to ensure nobody went exploring the Castle." the first guard spoke
"Princess Twilight was apparently having issues with the other Element Bearers sneaking into the Castle and finding evil magical artifacts and nearly destroying Equestria." the other guard added
"Oh yeaaaah" Luna spoke as she rubbed her chin "We probably shouldn't have left those lying around."
"If I might ask, Princess what are you doing out here?" The guard asked as he adjusted his helmet.
"I'm here to destroy incriminating evidence." Luna stated flatly knowing that the guards were bound by oath to keep what she said secret meaning she could be rather blunt about her mission.
"Nightmare Moon wants you to destroy the Discord stash doesn't she?" the guard spoke with a knowing grin
"I see someone has been snooping around, keep that secret to yourself and I'll see to it that you're all transferred back to Canterlot."
"As you wish" the guard finished with a bow as Princess Luna trotted past him and into the castle through the large and worn wooden doors.
Luna gave a sigh as she took in the sight of her old home. The last time she had been here was when she was defeated by the Elements of Harmony. It had been a good day, she tried to murder them with collapsing bridges, a manticore and even gravity. They tried to murder her with ancient gems that contained nearly infinite magic potential so all in all it had been a rather balanced fight.
"Wow this place is a mess." Scoffed Luna as she shook off her pleasant memories and fully took in the destruction and wear that her old Castle had seen. History books would tell how the castle had been nearly destroyed during the battle of Celestia and Nightmare Moon. But the reality of the matter that was known by none save Celestia, Nightmare and Luna herself was the castle was already on it's last legs due to Celestia's constant partying and nights of debauchery. Their battle had only served as a fantastic excuse for her to build a newer bigger castle.
"Now back to my mission" the Alicorn muttered as she made her way up the stone stairs in the center of the main chamber. It had been over a thousand years since she had actually wandered these halls and yet she still remembered them perfectly as she made her way toward a very specific storage closet.
"Now where is it" she muttered to herself as she ran her hoof against the walls until you found a groove. "There you are" she stated happily as she pressed down on the groove causing the wall to slide open revealing a secret chamber. "My war room" she continued to speak to herself as she stepped into the large hidden chamber. It was this room that Luna and eventually Nightmare Moon planned their attempts to take over Equestria. It was also where they stored all their most valuable objects. It also held Nightmare's collection of Discord memorabilia.
"Oh the things ponies would say" Luna chuckled as she opened the chest that contained Nightmares greatest shame. "Oh the things Celestia would say." she added as she held up small wood carved figure of the Draconequus of chaos.
Back before Nightmare had any first hand experience with Discord she was convinced he was some sort of evil mastermind. The only thing that stopped her from releasing Discord in the first place was Celestia finding out about her plan early. Little did Nightmare know Discord had conquered Equestria through dumb luck and mostly annoying Celestia till she caved. Nightmare had long feared this rooms discovery and with the recent snooping by Twilight and her friends had hoped that she would be able to destroy it.
"Trust me Moony" Luna muttered to herself "If they find this it's just as much of an embarrassment for me." She finished as her horn flared up and in instant the incriminating evidence was destroyed all except a the single figure Luna held with her magic. "But you my friend" she began with a sly grin "You will serve as some great blackmail." she finished as she placed the small figure in her saddle bag. "Now to head back to the camp and see who's dead." the Alicorn sighed as she began making her way out of the castle.
Back at the campsite Celestia, Sombra and Nibble were relaxing on their blankets having finished their lunches and everyone else's. The three of them laid there calmly enjoying the warm sunlight on their bodies as the clouds floated calmly across the sky, for these three there had never been a more peaceful moment in their live. Sadly it was a short lived peace as the sound of stomping and crashing tree started to fill their clearing. The three rose to their hooves and silently watched Sombra wondered if his friends were in trouble. Celestia wondered what those idiots did to cause trouble. Finally Nibbles was also wondering what those idiots had done to cause trouble.
"Aaaaaaaaaah" came the familiar screams of Nightmare Moon as she came screaming out of the forest and into the clearing, Discord hot on her tail. The two of them didn't seem to take notice to the fact that they were being watched and instead continued to speed through the clearing and back into the forest on the other side. As the three continued to watch silently. The stomping grew louder and the trees began to shake. They group stared in Awe as a rather large Hydra burst forth from the forest and passed through the clearing in only a couple seconds continuing it's chase.
"Remember!" Celestia began to shout towards where Nightmare and Discord had ran "No advanced magic!" Celestia finished with a hearty laugh
"What that!" Nibbles asked with great excitement
"Hydra" Celestia stated trying to stop her own laughter as she continued to stare at the shaking trees as the Hydra made it's way back into the depths of the forest.
"Why it mad?" the Hybrid asked
"It probably saw something unsavory" Celestia answered with suppressed giggle as she laid back down on her blanket determined to enjoy as much of the peace and quiet as she could before Discord and Nightmare eventually returned. However a small part of her wondered how Chrysalis was fairing.
Back in Canterlot there was only torment as Chrysalis and Twilight tried to maintain some form of order in the packed throne room. They had received a message telling them there was an emergency at the Castle and when they arrived there was already a large mob forming.
"Once Cadance gets back it'll be better" Twilight tried to reassure her self.
"Don't kid yourself Sparkle" Chrysalis groaned "The pretty pink Princess is half way back to the Crystal Empire if I had to guess."
"What do we do then, this wasn't part of the plan!" The purple Alicorn shouted
"Run!" Chrysalis stated flatly as she bolted from the throne and dived out one of the open windows.
Back in the Everfree Forest Celestia was beginning to drift off into sleep "I'm sure she's doing just fine" she finished with a yawn before falling asleep.
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Celestia's walking in the woods made me think of Gildarts from Fairy Tail.
THROAX IS BACK, BABY!!!
Lol.
That is all.
HUAHSYAHSUHAUSHAUSHAUSAHSUVAHSH
Holy, heheh, shit, man!
Great chapter! I was needing this
Not really much for me to say except, thanks for publishing a new chapter! They're always hilarious!
6415309 I have no idea what that is but thank you
6415372 It is better to die for the Emperor than to live for yourself
6415424 Glad you enjoyed it!
6415682 Glad to hear it turned it out better than I thought it did. Hopefully I can keep it up.
6416030 Thanks for sticking around long enough to see the new chapter. I know I don't really update regularly and I apologize for that but thanks again for giving it time.
6416391 Someone who is simple enough to walk through any obstacle in his straight path and make it disappear via 'Crash' magic
i.imgur.com/DOuNoAy.gif
He kind of looks like Shanks from One Piece.
don't be depressed we love u
6430550 I am a beacon of puns
6432679 PROGRESS!
6450930
Fair enough, I haven't really gone back to my older chapters (some of which are 3 years old now) and I'm not the good of an editor so most of my stuff is bad grammatically from the beginning but slowly evolves over time.
When I get some free time or find someone more suited for it I'll have to go through and edit it from the beginning to current stuff.
Thanks for taking the time to read what you could though!
says-it.com/scripts/achievement-xbox.pl?text1=Achievement+unlocked&text2=10G+-+Create+a+funny+mlp+fanfic&emblem=
6531823 I think this got just a little out of hand, lets stop now.
6531875 Awwww... ok
6647905 Thank you.
Pfft, now I'm imagining griffons declaring war on Equestria ana then arranging their forces in a manner that steers Celestia to carve tunnels in mountains where they needed them, then surrendering once they had what they wanted
Fitting that queen's Cheese Legs primary strategy is to cheese it.
"He probably saw something unsavory."
XD XD XD