The Eternal Prison of Discord

Discord didn't sleep during all those years of stone imprisonment. He was tortured, stripped of his powers, and sent to a dark void to be tortured for millenia.

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Silent Tortoise

Silent Tortoise #1 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · ·

Greetings Sir Antiivvan.
I stand before you today, a humble Tortoise, with news from the emperor! He has decided to end the invasion of the Japonyese homeland on a single condition! He sends his sincerest apologies at the misunderstanding, and will gladly send his most skilled repair ponies to help rebuild all the destruction he has wrought.

Ok being serious now, here's the long-awaited review! Same format as last time, so you should be able to understand everything I write. If you don't though, make sure to message me! One note: seeing as you and I are the only people who will be seeing this, I'm going to write a lot more informally than I normally do, so if it seems like I put less work into sounding official, that's why. It's not out of laziness, but simply because I don't see the need to put in the effort to sound like a well-written PhD in English if I don't have to.

Grammar

p2s1-2: "This is where he stays, in his eternal prison. When he was turned to stone, he wasn't asleep for all those years; he was sent to this infinite realm of his own sorrow." It can't be! Is that... a tense shift?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Dude, no tense shifts. In this case, you did it across two sentences, going from speaking in the present to speaking in the past. You gotta choose one or the other my friend.

p3s2:"He can see all that he was once capable of, but he can't do anything now. " Tense shift from present to past to present. Either keep it all past or all present. For example: "He could see all that he was once capable of..."

p4s1:"Millenia after millenia of enduring this torture, any normal being would have gone completely insane. Discord was already insane, to an extent; but he had almost completely lost his mind." First of all, it's spelled Millennia (two N's), so you may want to change that. Secondly, we're having a few plural vs. singular issues here. Remember that millennia is the plural for millennium. Therefore, you wouldn't say "Millennia after millennia", as you can't have multiple plurals. You would say either "Millennium after millennium", or "After millennia of enduring this torture...".

p4s4:"Damn it! Why ~~can't~~ won't you just let me die?!" A simple quick, but necessary fix!

p5s6:" Fear of the outside, and fear that he has gone completely insane and was imagining things to appease his dreadful existence" A couple of issues with this sentence. A) Run-on sentence. If you notice where i've underlined, you used the word "and" twice in the same sentence! SHAME! SHAME UPON THEE! No seriously though, delete the first and, replace it with a comma. A side note, you actually CAN use "and" twice in the same sentence, but you're not allowed to use it twice the same way. I.e.: He had run for miles, and had nearly had it to the house when Johnathan, Angie, and Cain caught up to him. Note that one and is used to connect two parts of a sentence, and the other is used to group together objects (or in this case, people). B) Tense issues. Remember that the previous sentence was written in the past tense, and this sentence relates to the previous, therefore the sentence should be in past tense. If you look at the underlined "has" you can see that that isn't the case. Replace it with "had", and make sure to deal with all other tense issues in the sentence.

p6s2: "But, not in a conventional way." Basic grammar rule that isn't very well known in America: You can't start a sentence with a conjunction (the words: "but", "and", or the word "or".) Change dat first word brah. (If you can't figure out a way to do this easily, don't worry; A few lines down I'm gonna have you delete the sentence anyway. Just a heads-up.)

p6s5-6:Certainly something he was used to at this point. He no longer had control when something like this happens, it just does. You know Antii, I don't care what other people say about you, you stick to your guns. Being serious now, another tense shift. Since sentence 5 is in past tense, sentence 6 needs to be as well!

p7s5: "But~~, the~~ a* very small, sane part of him knew this was all happening." Basically, get rid of the comma behind the word "But", replace the word "the" with "a" (trust me on this), and also dude, you can't start a sentence with the conjunction "but". Choose another word!

p9s2: "He said in with* a cynical tone."

p11s2: "~~This~~ That* last statement had* really caught him off guard." Sounds better with that, not 'this'. (remember that it's written in past tense)

p11s2-3: "This last statement really caught him off-guard. This was the very last thing he was ever expecting." Tense issues! Remember that the dialogue has ALREADY OCCURRED (it's in the past). Therefore, all the sentences relating to it should be in past tense. Sentence 3 should be written in past tense (use expected instead of expecting).

p14s6: How could you possibly understand my pain?" You forgot one of these. " Since it's a line of dialogue, you gotta have it on both sides. Just add it before sentence 6!

p16s6: "Discord glared Luna in the eyes." This sentence is grammatically incorrect. You don't glare someone in the eyes, you glare AT someone. (It's implied that you're looking at their eyes). Therefore, the sentence should be: "Discord glared at Luna."

p18s6: "Leave we me* alone so you can continue your normal life..."

p22s5-7: "He had long since given up trying to get his powers back from that orb. All it does now is make him even angrier. He does his best to ignore it, but it still taunts him." Two issues. First, don't refer to it as "That orb", just refer to it as "the orb". You can only use 'that' or 'this', when referring to an object surrounded by many similar objects (for example, if you were in a room full of orbs, you would point to an orb and say "THAT orb."). Second, you have another tense shift. You shift from past tense in sentence 5 to present tense in sentences 6 and 7. Keep it all past tense please.

p23s1: "Many days and nights had* passed, but* still nothing had* changed."

p24s1-2: "He heard some young fillies talking. Well, arguing would be more precise." The thing is dude, when you're writing dialogue, monologue, or any other type of speech, you're allowed to write like that. When it's not speech, you aren't allowed to. Therefore, eliminate the second sentence, and change the word "talking" in the first to "arguing".

p25s1: "He grabbed it and broke it the rest of the way." This is improper grammar. You can either say "He grabbed it and broke the rest of it away" or "He grabbed it and the rest of it broke away". Choose one and fix!

p25s2: "He laughed menacingly as he ~~could feel~~ felt* his ~~power returning~~ powers return*." Tense shift.

p25s3: "He thought about all those who had* mocked him, all those who wouldn't even give him a sideways glance, and all those who had* spat on his statue when they ~~walk~~ had walked* by."

p25s5: "He laughed as he felt freedom for the first time in ~~millenia~~ millennia*." Two N's. not one.

Flow

p1s1-3: Redundancy! Oh how I've missed thee! These three sentences are somewhat redundant, as you restate the same information three times: It's dark. Either come up with various artistic ways to describe how dark it is, or condense it into a single sentence. Also, be sure not to reuse the same words: In sentence 1 and 3, you use the word "nothing" twice. Use emptiness instead.

p1s4-5: Unfortunately, there is a break in flow in these two sentences; instead of saying in one sentence that Discord wondered how Hell was, and then in the next his opinion, try using dialogue to make it flow more smoothly. For example, turn: "If there was a Hell, he wondered how it would compare to this eternal darkness. He thought that this was just as bad or worse than Hell." into: " 'I wonder how Hell would compare to this eternal darkness... Hell's probably worse.'. Finally, sentence 5 needs slight revision: "He thought that this was ~~just as bad or~~ worse than Hell." those four words are unnecessary.

p2s5-6: "He hears everything that goes on around him. Everything he hears is never in a nice fashion towards him." You can easily combine these two sentences into one, so do so! For example: "He hears everything that goes on around him, and very little of it means well for him." or something like that. Also, nobody (as far as I'm aware) says that something 'isn't in a nice fashion towards them', It doesn't really make sense. You may wish to change the wording to something like "He hears everything that goes on around him, although little of it is positive." or something to that effect.

p3s2-3: "He can see all that he was once capable of, but he can't do anything now. His powers of chaos are now contained within a small, vorpal orb; always floating just out of his reach." There's an issue with redundancy here. When you say that someone (Discord) was "once capable" of something, it implies that he's no longer capable of doing it. Therefore, there's no need to write that "he couldn't do anything now". Also, you don't need to specify that Discord's powers are powers of chaos. It's kind of obvious, seeing as he's the spirit of chaos. If I were you, I would delete the underlined sections, and combine sentence 2 with sentence 3 like so: "He could see all that he was once capable of; his powers were contained in a small vorpal orb that always hovered just out of his reach." Also Antiivvan, vorpal is not a word. I don't know if you knew that or not, but none of the dictionaries I use are pulling up a definition for it. 'Ethereal' is a good word to use instead. Also 'Ephemeral'.

p3s4: "No matter how fast he runs or how far he reaches, it is always just out of his grasp." This is also redundant. You just said that it always hovers just out of reach. No need to go and restate it.

p4s5-6: "He shouted upwards, or whichever way was above his head. He didn't know which way was up or down." In order to improve flow, you should probably combine these two sentences into one, as they both say essentially the same thing.

p5s3-4: "The voice was kind and gentle, but with an authoritative tone. It seemed to resonate throughout all of the void." You can improve flow here by combining these two sentences. For example: "The voice that resonated throughout the void was kind and gentle, but had an authoritative tone."

p5s5-6: " He was in so much shock that he almost started cowering in fear. Fear of the outside, and fear that he has gone completely insane and was imagining things to appease his dreadful existence" Unfortunately, the flow here gets broken. A general tip, you never, (unless there's a reason for doing it), start a sentence with the same word you finished the last one with. In this case, you used fear twice in a row, which really broke the flow of the story. Another problem with flow in this story is the placement of the period separating sentences 5 and 6. You have two options here: you can either combine them into one sentence, or add more information to one of the two sentences. Sentence 6 is basically an explanation of sentence 5, and as such, doesn't really work so well as a stand-alone. For example: " ...cowering in fear. Discord cowered in fear of the outside world, and in fear that he had finally gone completely insane and was imagining things to appease his dreadful existence" Or you can just combine them into one. " He was in so shocked that he began to cower in fear: fear of the outside world and fear that he had finally gone mad..."

p6s1-2: "He didn't respond right away, but he did eventually. But, not in a conventional way." For once, in order to improve flow, I'm actually going to recommend shortening the sentence. An odd change of pace, no? Why, you ask? YOU DARE TO QUESTION ME?! TO THE DUNGEON WITH THEE (sorry, trying to add some humor :P) What I'd recommend is cutting out words from the first sentence, and eliminating the second sentence entirely. Why, you ask? Dude, I'll seriously sentence you to the dungeon if you ask me that one more time. No, I'm not kidding. I will hire a team of contractors, have them build a dungeon beneath my house, install shackles in it, and throw you in there. Anywho, The reason why is that honestly, all the words are either unnecessary, or worse, don't really make sense. If you say "He didn't respond immediately", it implies that he did eventually, just not right away, therefore you don't need to say "but he did eventually". The second sentence is odd, because it uses a turn-of-phrase that doesn't really make sense, which in turn raises questions in our mind. "What is the conventional way to answer?" Also, it's kind of unnecessary.
Look at the difference between the original and the modified:
"He didn't respond right away, but he did eventually. But, not in a conventional way. What came out of him was an echoing, maniacal cackle." vs.
"He didn't respond right away. Instead, he let out a maniacal, echoing cackle."
The second flows better, no?

p11s3: "This was the very last thing he was ever expecting." Two things: first of all this sentence is incredibly redundant and should be erased. Secondly, I'd always recommend expanding on a sentence whenever possible to help your readers understand. What do I mean by that? I mean instead of just saying 'it was the last thing he was ever expecting' say 'it was the last thing he was ever expecting to hear*.' Adding details like that allows the audience to not have to think, and thus get caught up in the story. After you've done that though, remember to delete this sentence.

p11s6-7: "He just couldn't believe anything alive would want to help him. Not after what he has done." Flow break. I see no reason why these sentences can't be combined. Just replace the period after "him" with a comma. Also, make sure to decaptialize the N in the word Not.

p12s4-5: "The voice seemed to be taking form. Creating a shape far off in the distance in this realm with no defined dimensions." Same deal, replace the period after "form" with a comma. Also, ensure to decapitalize the letter C in Creating. Also, delete the words "in this realm" (underlined above). They're unnecessary and only hinder flow (because you are restating the obvious).

p12s6-7: "Discord saw the shape and tried his hardest to ignore it. But, as if some magical force was pulling him towards it, he started walking slowly to it." I see no reason why these can't be combined. Just replace the period after "it." with a comma, and decaptialize the letter B in "But"

p13s1: "As he got closer, the voice spoke again, and he could see its shape." Just get rid of the commas. It's not really necessary, and only serves to hinder flow. How, you ask? You and your questions. Hang on while I find a good construction company... Ok, they put me on hold, so for now I'll answer your question. Remember that every time you put a comma the reader pauses a little in his reading. The same is true of periods, although the pause is slightly longer/ more pronounced. So when you put unnecessary commas/periods, the flow gets broken.

p13s1-3: "As he got closer, the voice spoke again, and he could see its shape. It looked like a pony. It had a tall, muscular physique, and stood proud." If you look below in the "clarity" section, you'll see I found a way to combine all three sentences into one. Doing will seriously help your flow!

p13s6-8: "This pony looked awfully familiar. It took a moment for Discord to remember where he had seen this pony before. After a few seconds, it dawned on him." First of all, change the word this (underlined above) to "The". Second, sentence 7 (the middle one) is made redundant by sentence 8; both basically say that it took Discord a few seconds to recognize the pony before him. Just delete sentence 7, and rewrite sentence 8 slightly. For example: "The pony before him looked awfully familiar. After a few seconds, Discord realized where he had seen her before."

p14s1-2: "This pony was Luna, Celetia's sister. She was one of those two who trapped him in this permanent stone stasis." You can easily combine these two sentences into one: "It was Luna, Celestia's sister; one of the two who had trapped him in his permanent stone stasis". Also, replace the word "this" (underlined above) with the word "his", or just delete it completely.

p14s3+5: "'He glared at her as she came completely into view. Discord seethed at the sight he was witnessing. " You could probably combine these two sentences to create a single one that flows more nicely. For example: "Discord seethed internally as Luna came fully into view."

p15s4: "That is the worst kind of betrayal." I'd recommend combining this with sentence 3 to create better flow, as this sentence just sounds odd by itself. For example: "My own sister betrayed me and banished me to the moon." or something to that effect.

p19s1: "Goodbye, then". Get rid of the comma, it's not necessary.

p20s3-4:"He had this one chance where he had a voice, and he blew it. He just had too much pride." You can probably combine these sentences to up the flow!

p20s7:"But, instead, everything either stayed the same or just got worse." This sentence is kind of redundant, as you already stated that Discord blew his chance to improve things. Also, people don't usually say "it stayed the same or just got worse", they usually just keep it simple and say "it got worse". Just a tip.

p21s1: "Once he had stopped, he cursed himself." There's a break in the flow of time here: One minute, Discord is weeping bitterly, and the next, he has already stopped. You have to transition from one scene to another Antii, or you risk losing your audience. Insert a smooth transition, if you would please!

p21s2-3: " Right then, he made himself a promise. "Once I get out of here, I will make them pay for what they have done!" " You could probably combine these sentences and improve flow by moving sentence two to the end of the dialogue like so: '"Once I get out of here, I'll make them pay for what they have done!" Discord swore to himself.' or something to that effect.

p22s1-3: "Months past since that visit from Luna. He still had not forgotten it. It was forever implanted into his memory." A couple of flow issues here. First of all, there's a break in the flow of time. You can't suddenly jump a couple months, you have to transition into it. Second, sentences 2 and 3 make each other redundant; they both say the exact same thing. Therefore you could probably delete one of them, or even better, you could probably combine all three of these sentences into one, like so: "Months had passed since Luna's last visit, but Discord had not forgotten..."

p22s4: "Every day, he cursed the world and himself." This sentence is kind of short and redundant, as it doesn't really tell us anything new. The paragraph before this, you already stated that he curses the world. Either delete the sentence or add more information. For example, you could say this: "Day in and day out, Discord cursed himself and the world around him...", but then you'd have to move this sentence to the paragraph above, so as not to interrupt the flow of your story.

p22s5-7:"He had long since given up trying to get his powers back from that orb. All it does now is make him even angrier. He does his best to ignore it, but it still taunts him." You can probably combine two of these three sentences together, (most likely sentences 5 and 6), to improve flow.

p23s1-2: "Many days and nights passed, still nothing changed. Until one day." You can probably just combine these two sentences into one. I don't think I need to restate for the 200th time why. :P

p23s3-7: " It must've been that time of the year again. Every year, Miss Cheerilee brought her class to the Gardens where his statue rested. This was one of the ways he could tell the time of the year. This is an annual thing for her classes, so Discord knew it was almost the middle of the year." Across these four sentences you restate the same information over and over: Miss Cherilee had arrived, Discord uses the trip to keep track of the passage of time, and she does this trip every year. Delete some of the sentences and eliminate all redundancy.

p24s3-5: "He took an interest and for once, was completely silent. He grinned when he heard them arguing and fighting. This continued for a minute." Too many short sentences in too short a space. Combine and condense, please and thankee.

Rarity

Oh hang on... That's not right.

Clarity*

p2s3-4: "Here he is tortured every day and night, not that there is much difference. He gets taunted and humiliated by everything that walks by his statue." Some clarity/flow issues here. First of all, you say he's getting tortured, but you never say exactly by what. It's implied that he's tortured by sorrow, and by those who mock him, but you need to specify. Secondly, "...not that there is much difference" is a bit too ambiguous: I can't tell whether you're talking about Discord not caring about the torture, or about the difference between day and night. Logic implies that you're talking about the second, but make it clearer. For example "...not that there is much difference between the two*. Finally, you can improve flow slightly here by combining sentence 3 with sentences that tell what kind of torture Discord was receiving, such as sentences 4-6 or sentence 2!

p4s1-2: "Millenia after millenia of enduring this torture, any normal being would have gone completely insane. Discord was already insane, to an extent; but he had almost completely lost his mind." Although sentence one does not present any clarity issues on its own, when paired with sentence two, there are some really odd clarity issues. In sentence two, you essentially say "Discord was already insane but he went insane." I know that you mean to say something to the effect of "Although Discord was insane to begin with, his ceaseless torment throughout the years had driven him to the very edges of derangement..." but the way it's worded now only serves to throw people off. You need to rewrite this part. And remember not to create redundancy with sentence 1 when fixing sentence 2 yeah?

p4s3: "However, after all the pain and taunting, he began to curse his very existence." The use of the word however here is off. Usually, you use however to indicate that something is to the contrary of what most people would believe (I.e. Blazing Cain was a hard man, harder than any the world had known before, however even he had his limits.). When you use however here, you only confuse the readers, because it's expected that thousands of years of torture would cause him to rue his existence. Therefore, remove the word however and replace it with something else. Maybe a quick explanation like "Although he'd endured the torture for all these years with nary a peep, the constant suffering was taking its toll. One day, Discord finally snapped. 'Why won't you just let me die?! he shouted....

p6s4-5: "Certainly something he was used to at this point. He no longer had control when something like this happens, it just does." The wording here is a bit too vague, and throws me off slightly as I read it. When you say "something that he was used to", it just throws off the reader for a sec because we have to go back and think about what you're talking to. This serves to interrupt flow due to its lack of clarity. Also, in relation to the other sentence, it only serves to confuse the readers! I know that you mean to say that the laughing was something he had grown used to BECAUSE he had gone insane, and could no longer control it, but the way it's written now doesn't connect well with the second sentence (it interrupts flow). Secondly, you need to explain why he would no longer have control over his laughter in better detail. It's implied that it's a side-effect of his insanity, but the way it's written now only makes it unclear.

p13s1: "As he got closer, the voice spoke again, and he could see its shape." Here you write "he could see its shape", but in the paragraph above it, you write "Creating a shape far off in the distance...", which implies that he could already see the shape. This creates redundancy. I know you mean to say that he could now see the outlines of the shape, but the way it's written now only serves to confuse the reader. Instead of saying he could see the shape, try combining it with the sentences after this one: "...the voice spoke again and began to solidify into a tall, muscular pony with a proud bearing."

p17s1, p18s1-2: "'No! I don't want to do that!'
'Lies!' He said, interrupting her." One thing Antii... Discord didn't really interrupt her. Since he didn't cut her off, he didn't interrupt her. Maybe have Luna's line get cut short by Discord, so that you can actually say he interrupted her. Also, I think you could use a different word instead of "said." To me, it seems like that's something Discord wouldn't simply "say", but would "shout", "scream", or "yell". You dig?

p18s3: "Despite being all powerful, his eyes started watering." Last time I checked, he was a stone statue frozen in the Canterlot Garden at this point. How is he all powerful exactly? I know that you mean to say he's a powerful figure, but you gotta reword this line. If you need help coming up with ideas, contact me (I can't come up with any good ones off the top of my head).

p19s2: "Luna said as she turned back into a mist and disappeared into the black." First of all, you can't turn into "a mist". You can turn back into "mist" though. (Mist isn't really an object that can have a singular form). Secondly, the way you have this line written, it essentially says: "Luna turned back into mist". Last time I checked, she was a pony made of flesh and blood. Not mist. :P Instead say: "Luna said as her form faded into mist and disappeared into the blackness." Finally, you can't really disappear into "the black" You can disappear "into the blackness" or "into blackness" though!

p20s1: "Once she was gone, he just completely lost himself." What do you mean by he completely lost himself? The next sentence tells us that you mean that he cried uncontrollably, but on its own this isn't good enough.

p20s3: "He had this one chance where he had a voice, and he blew it." What do you mean by he had a voice? Technically, he's always had a voice, but nobody can hear him, you know? Maybe specify what you mean by the word voice.

p20s5-6: "He didn't want help, especially from the one who trapped him in there. Something could've changed by this visit. " Now you've gone and confused me. Here, you're telling me that Discord doesn't want help, but at the same time, you're saying that he wanted his situation to get better (meaning he wants help). You can't really have it both ways my friend. If you mean to say his pride prevented him from getting help from the ones who imprisoned him, say that.

p20s8: "The tears flowed from his cheeks, painting a dark purple in this black world." Creating a dark purple what? A dark purple splotch? A blob? A puddle? Remember that when you're trying to be poetic and describe something, you want to put as many relevant details as you possibly can. Also, you told us that he's in a dark realm with no real defined up or down. As a result, the lack of details leaves this description wanting. Did the tears fall up? Did they fall down? To his feet? In front of his nose? Add these details and things should be good.

p21s1: "Once he had stopped, he cursed himself." Why did he curse himself? Did he curse himself for his weakness? For crying? Or for messing up his one chance at a normal life? Specifications are important good sir.

p22s1: "Months past since that visit from Luna." Do you mean to say that months had passed since Luna's last visit, or is this more of a transition to indicate that a number of months had passed? Also, how does he know months had passed? You suggested earlier that there was no way to tell time in the void, so how would he know months had passed? Just a little plot-hole I thought I would point out

p24s3: "He took an interest and for once, was completely silent" He took an interest in what? The argument? Well then say so! And what do you mean by "for once"? I know that you mean to say that for the first time in millenia Discord finally shut his trap, but you gotta specify it. The way this sentence is written it's far too vague.

p25s3: "He thought about all those who mocked him, all those who wouldn't even give him a sideways glance, and all those who spat on his statue when they walk by." This line is a bit off... I mean, I know Discord is lonely as hell, but I don't think he would care or not if people looked at him (also, how would he be able to tell?) Instead of saying a sideways glance, try saying: "all those who had shunned him over the centuries" if that's what you mean to say.

Suggestions:

p1s1: "Discord stared into the dark void of nothingness that contained him." If I were you, I'd use a different set of words here, as the final three just sound off. This reason why is hard to explain, but basically you went from talking directly about what Discord was doing, to referring to him in a less direct manner. Not making sense? Ask me about it and I'll explain myself better.

p5s1-2: "The last thing he expected was a response to one of his sudden outbursts. "Why would you want that?"" I'd recommend creating a new paragraph AFTER sentence one. So basically, combine p5s1 with p4, and start p5 with sentence 2. There's no real need to do this, as your story will be just as fine either way, but personally i feel it would improve the aesthetic appearance of your script.

p5s5: "He was in so much shock that he almost started cowering in fear." I'd recommend switching up the wording slightly. Generally, the expression 'he was in so much shock' is not one that (in my experience) is commonly used. Instead try: "he was so shocked that...' or 'His shock was so great that...'

p7s3: "If you had any decency, you would set me free from this prison." Personally, I believe you should reorganize the placement of the dialogue, as it will make the script flow much better. The reason this is in suggestions is because the change is not mandatory, just highly recommended. Anywho, I would recommend taking sentence 3 and placing it in its own paragraph after sentence 5 of paragraph 7, as the way it is now, the line of dialogue kind of interrupts the description of what Discord is feeling, and when placed before Celestia's line, would make it seem more like a natural conversation.

p11s1: "Why would you want to do that?" As with paragraph above this one, I think you should place this line of dialogue in its own paragraph, behind paragraph 11. Why? It just seems to flow more naturally this way.

p12s8: "He tried to walk away, but he was no longer in control of his actions." You've used the word 'walk' already in the sentence before this one. Remember that constantly repeating the same word makes the script seem boring. Although it doesn't have that effect this time, I still recommend using a different word here. You could use the word "pull" instead. ("He tried to pull away, but...") Also, I'd recommend getting rid of the second "he". Once you establish who you're talking about, you don't have to keep putting the "he" or "she".

p14s1: "~~This pony~~ It* was Luna, Celetia's sister." It just sounds better that way, and flows more naturally. Not necessary, but recommended.

p15s3: "My own sister banished me to the moon." I recommend moving this and putting it before sentence 2. If you do that, and rewrite the script slightly to indicate that she's repeating it for emphasis, then I personally think the dialogue would seem a lot better that way! Also, the conversation will sound more natural. But again, not necessary, only suggested.

p16s7: "He was still taller than her, despite losing his powers of disorder." Although this sentence works, I personally don't like the way it sounds. Understand that I have nothing against your writing style at all, I'm simply stating that it sounds odd to me. If I may, I would recommend reorganizing the sentence structure like so: "Despite losing his powers, Discord still towered over/ was still taller than Luna." Also, I'd recommend not mentioning that his power are powers of disorder (it's kind of obvious).

p19s1: "Goodbye then." To me, it seems like Luna just kind of gave up here without any hesitation. Personally, I feel like you should indicate that although Luna left, she was very reluctant to do so. If you add three periods before the word "Goodbye", you could easily do that, like so: "...Goodbye then." Seems way different from a simple "Goodbye then", right?

p19s3: "Discord heard a sigh and then the sound of* hoofsteps walking away from his stone statue." It just sounds better that way.

p20s1: "Once she was gone, he just completely lost himself." Personally, I don't like the way this sentence sounds. (Yes, that is a good enough reason, because if I don't like it, it's likely that others won't as well! ). I would recommend instead of "Once she was gone...", I'd recommend "The moment she left...". Your choice of course, but I just thought that it sounds better this way.

p21s4: "He cursed once again into the void, where no ears hear, and continued his ranting." This line has great potential. No doubt about it. But the way it's written now doesn't unleash that potential, This is a line which is supposed to be highly dramatic and expressive, and to an extent it is, but I feel it could be much better. Here's a line that occurred to me, to give you an example of how to make this more artistic. "Discord continued to rant and rave of things best left unknown and consigned to the eternal darkness he was entombed in." Go wild here Antii, be dramatic!

p25s5:"He laughed as he felt freedom for the first time in millennia." To be honest Antii, this is pretty weak for your last line. Discord has been suffering and trapped for milennia. MILLENNIA. Be completely dramatic here dude, go nuts in describing how Discord is reveling in his newfound power, make the audience FEAR FOR THEIR LIVES. This is probably the only suggestion in the entire 'suggestion' section that I'm going to say is absolutely necessary.

Critique
Antiivvan, I truly believe that this work is one of the best you've ever produced. I'm being dead serious. Truly excellent. If it weren't for all the flow/grammatical/clarity mistakes, I would easily give this story four and a half spikes. As it is, I'll give you three and a half though, because there are enough mistakes to seriously impede the flow of the story.
Your insight into Discord's mind is very deep and inisghtful; you bring to Discord's story a new dimension. Often, nobody bothers to think of what Discord went through for all of the years he was trapped in his stone prison, they just assume he was asleep. With this tory though, you prove them woefully wrong as you artfully paint and describe Discord's tragic, (if self-inflicted) suffering. For that alone, I was very impressed, but there's more to your story than just a new take on Discord's tale.
Your description of Discord's inner turmoil is quite impressive; in your script you not only depict what Discord is going through but you make us <u>understand</u> him. We not only connect with Discord, but we feel <u>bad</u> for him. You also do an great job of depicting his impriosnment not as a paralytic state of entombment, but rather a vast, desolate prison within his own mind. Truly well done. The conversation between Luna and Discord was also well depicted, stayed true to the characters, and provided insight into some of Luna's suffering as well.
That's not to say your script was perfect though. Besides the grammatical/flow/clarity issues, there were a few other minor qualms I had with your script. Personally, I felt there were scenes, (mentioned in the suggestions area), where I felt you could have been much more artistic with depicting Discord's incarceration. Also, as mentioned in the flow section, the transition of time is, at times, very clumsy. These issues, while not incredibly detrimental to the script, prevent it from being a true work of art.
So in summary, excellent work. The story was insightful, dramatic, and gripping. Three and a half spikes out of 5, until you clean up the grammar, flow, and clarity issues.

Jet Cannon

Jet Cannon #2 · Dec 20th, 2012 · · ·

Wellllllllllllll... I don't really have anything to add that Silent Tortoise hasn't said better already.

Perhaps a bit short to really get to the flesh of Discord's pain and discomfort, but otherwise it was alright.

MetaKnight145

MetaKnight145 #3 · Dec 20th, 2012 · · ·

The poor poor marble maniacal mayhem maker, I weep for him.
Edit: Try to say that 5 times fast.

Kotushk Fier

Kotushk Fier #4 · Dec 20th, 2012 · · ·

Hmm, not bad at all. It was a rougher read, mostly in the beginning. Yet I able to read it and get into it. Kudos.

Antiivvan

Antiivvan #5 · Dec 20th, 2012 · · ·

1831118
Thanks for that! I'm not sure if that means that this was good or just mediocre. Thanks for sitting through this!

1831074
Let the waterworks begin! Thanks for reading!

1830906
Yeah, he's pretty good at noticing all of my mistakes. Yeah, I definitely could've made this longer, but had already spent so much time writing and editing just this. Thanks for reading this at least!

Kotushk Fier

Kotushk Fier #6 · Dec 21st, 2012 · · ·

1832165
It's rough, yes. But not mediocre, I can definitely see the effort you put into it.

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