Twilight's Nightmare

by EvilNaab

Chapter 1

"Celestia, It has been a week, you can't stay inside forever... You have to take care of your duties." Luna stared at her older sister in concern. She waited for minutes but no response came from the other side of the door.

Pleading with Celestia, Luna added, "Tia, please."

She placed a hoof on the door, then turned and walked back to her throne. She sat down on it to welcome their guests and deal with their problems.

The sun was high on the sky, but none of it's rays went through the magically darkened windows into Celestia's chamber. Celestia was laying on her bed with her heart broken in the darkness.

Luna received a plenty of reports from Ponyville: that the library had been sealed and that Twilight hadn't left it ever since what happened with Shadow Hunter.
She could imagine the pain what Twilight feel, Celestia and herself being immortal, lost plenty of good ponies and loved ones over the passing years and centuries.

Interrupting her train of thought, a stallion guard flew through the main doors of the throne room and bowed in front of Luna. After giving her a royal salute, he proceeded to speak,

"Princess, Twilight Sparkle's friends will be arriving in Ponyville shortly."

Giving the officer a nod of acknowledgement, Luna replied, "Thank you Shining Star, please tell the others who are waiting for me, the palace is closed for today."

Staring straight ahead, he gave the automatic response, "As you command, Princess."

He turned around to announce what the princess told him, but before he could finish, Luna had teleported herself away. She was now standing just outside of Ponyville's library. After a few moments wait, five mares approached the tree house, one with a purple baby dragon riding on her back.

Standing outside the library, the Princess was wearing a cloak, so that no-pony else would take notice of her. When the group was only a few meters away, she removed the cloak from her head before they could try to knock on the door or open it.

Stepping forward, she said, "I wouldn't do it, if i were you."

In their surprise, the startled group all turned to see Princess Luna. All of them then proceeded to bow, except for Rainbow Dash, who rushed up to the Princess and gave her a hug. The remaining four mares looked at Luna and Dash in astonishment, only to see the same surprise reflected back through the Princess's eyes.

"Ah, Rainbow Dash?"

Dash removed her hooves from around Luna's neck and took a few steps back from the surprised princess. When she looked around she saw the same look all on her friends faces. Her face turned red.

She hastily stuttered, "I'm sorry Luna, it's just... I haven't seen you for a while and... I guess I overdid it a little. I'm sorry."

Ignoring her friends awkwardness, Rarity asked Luna, "Princess, what did you mean 'you wouldn't'?"

Luna spoke hesitantly, "One of you should try to touch the door ...but gently."

Applejack walked closer to the door and lifted her hoof to knock on the door. Just a few centimeters before she could touch it, a force field pushed her back and she fell on her back.

"What tha hay is this?" Applejack asked after she started to recover from the fall.

The others ran to her and helped her to stand up while asking if her if she was alright.

In answer, Luna shot a several blasts of lightnings from her horn at the shield around the library so it can be visible for a few seconds.

"She raised it almost a week ago after something happened. What... I can't tell you here."

Her horn glowed and the purple light appeared around all of Twilight's friends, Luna teleported everyone into her chamber among with herself.

It took Luna about twenty minutes to explain everything with all the interruptions, what she knew about the happenings and how it went down in that three days a week ago.

After this dreadful story, Spike, Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were crying and Applejack and Rainbow Dash were doing their best to calm them.

Luna spoke calmly, "I'll try to go back today to bring her some food if she needs it and ask her if she wants to see you. But please don't go to the library for a while... let me handle this. Celestia also hasn't left her chamber since Twilight sent her away." She added, "You can stay here if you want as long as you wish for, but i can teleport you back to Ponyville as well."

Dash stepped away from the group and went close to Luna
She whispered quietly so the others wouldn't hear, "I want to go with you, i want to help Twilight."
In response, Luna said, "Rainbow... I'm not sure if you want to see what's inside."

Her eyes glistening, Rainbow pleaded, "But you said ...you will ask her if she wants to see us... and if she says yes, I'll see her anyway unless you know she will say no. You know something else what you didn't tell us. What is it?" She questioned.

Luna made up her mind, and then told Applejack, "Applejack please take care of them."

With that, Applejack nodded and then Luna and Dash teleported themselves to a closed off room somewhere in the far away palace, where no guard was so that Luna could talk freely.

Once they were away from prying ears, Rainbow Dash asked, "Luna?"

Hesitantly, the Princess of the Stars replied, "She is sleeping with her body."

"What do you mean by that, Princess?"

Luna looked away and lowered her head before telling Dash what she saw every night when she was at Twilight's window.

"She... she lifts Shadow's dead body and carries her to her bed ... And every night she sleeps next to her, talking and sometimes kissing with the dead body... This... this is why I cannot tell your friends... I'm afraid that it would mentally damage them... especially Fluttershy..."

Rainbow gaped at the Princess, her expression one of fear and disgust. "No... th- this can't be... Twilight would never do such a disgusting thing, she is the most intelligent pony i ever knew, sh-she-" Rainbows blubbering was cut off abruptly as began to cry, falling on the floor as her knees didn't have the strength to keep her standing.

Luna kneeled next to the crying Rainbow Dash and wrapped her hoof and wing around her.

Hesitantly, she asked, "Are you sure ...that you want to come with me?"

Rainbow peered at her from her tear-streaked face, and hiccoughed, "Y-yes."

"Alright."

With that, Luna set to work, and prepared a barrier spell and teleported themselves into the hall. From what they could see, books were laying everywhere.

Still looking spooked, Dash called out for her friend tentatively, "Twilight?"

Luna answered the question for her, "She is upstairs."

They slowly walked on the stairs but before entering Twilight's room they heard something from the inside ... And under the door they could see some light.

Twilight was talking to someone and she was laughing.

Luna took in the sad look on Dash's face, and it was enough to tell her how frightened the athlete was.
The things got only worse when another voice was heard from the room. This scared Luna as well, and she slowly opened the door.
Twilight was kissing with Shadow's body who was dead ... but then it moved. Her eyes were replaced with glowing blue fire and her body was restored and looked just like Shadow while she was still alive.

"Twilight!!!" With a frightened scream, Luna broke the kiss, causing Twilight to turn her head to the new arrivals
Despite her twitching ear and dilated pupils, Twilight answered the Princess calmly. "Hey Luna, Dash it's good to see you again. Princess don't you know it's rude entering without knocking?"

Dash was staring at the body next to Twilight, lost into those burning eyes.

"Twilight, what in gods name did you do?"

The lavander unicorn answered simply, "I did what I had to do."

Dash was still looking at the body which slowly climbed out from the bed and walked to Dash. Before it could get close to her Luna pushed her away and placed a hoof into Dash's side who snapped out of it and turned to Luna.

"Luna why do you want to hurt me?" Asked Shadow.

Dash panicked, "Luna, what's happening?!"

The Alicorn looked at Dash sadly, "I don't know Dash."

Shadow walked back to the bed and kissed Twilight, she broke it a few seconds later and locked her eyes on Luna.

"So Luna, what are you waiting for, go run to Celestia and tell her what you just saw." Twilight's voice was calm, and then she turned back to Shadow and started to kiss her neck then her face and finally her lips, after she finished she turned back to Luna who was staring at her just like Dash.

"What are you waiting for?" Twilight was getting angrier. "LEAVE US ALONE!"

Luna closed her eyes and let a small tear drop on the floor before teleporting herself and Dash back to the Castle.

"Luna, what just happened?"

Luna responded dejectedly, "I don't know."

"How can she be alive?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Her fur darkened and her body grew taller as she morphed into Nightmare Moon's shape when the anger took over her mind.

"SO STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS AND BE QUIET!!" She was yelling at Dash using the royal canterlot voice.

One of the door opened to the room and Celestia stepped through it.

"SO NOW YOU SHOW UP, AFTER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO HER, LOOK AT YOU THE BIG IMMORTAL GODDESS OF THE SUN, PATHETIC."

The goddess of the sun prodded gently, "Luna calm down."

"REALLY? THAT'S THE ONLY THING YOU CAN SAY? YOU SHOULD GO AND TAKE A LOOK WHAT SHE HAS DONE WITH SHADOW."

"Luna, I know."

"YOU DESTROYED HER! SHE TRUSTED YOU SHE LOVED YOU AND YOU TOOK AWAY THE ONE THING SHE EVER WANTED TO KEEP FOR HERSELF, HER LOVE!"

Celestia sighed and turned to the cyan pegasus, "Rainbow please go out."

Dash stood up from the floor and walked to Luna. She raised her hoof to touch her face, and when the hoof almost reached Luna's face Luna whirled around to the pegasus and hit her face with her hoof then pushed Rainbow on the ground.

"AND WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"

Luna was twice as big as Rainbow, Luna held down Dash, placing both of her front hooves on Dash's and looked deeply into her crying, sad eyes.

Stubbornly, Rainbow replied, "What are you going to do Luna break my wings?" Dash was crying harder than ever before in her life, the thing with Twilight and that soulless thing next to her and now Luna is going insane too, it was too much for her to handle.

Luna's eyes which were glowing with a white light turned back to normal, the dark fur were getting lighter and her size turned back to the original, even now she was still bigger than Dash.

In shock, Luna retracted her hooves and stuttered, "I-I'd never do that with you and...I-i'm sorry about your face." Luna lowered her head and kissed Dash's face where she hit her. Dash looked away so Luna maybe won't notice how her face turned into red without much success to hiding it.

"I-It's ahm fine now thank you." Dash was still shaken. Luna released Dash then turned to Celestia who was watching them whole time.

Luna took a deep breath, "I'm so sorry... what I said I didn't mean it.

Celestia countered, "You meant it and you are so right about it."

Rainbow intruded, "Shadow is alive again... How did Twilight do it?"

Celestia answered the pegasus, "Rainbow please go back to your friends, they are still in Luna's room if you need anything ask any guard, they will help you." She turned to Luna. "Luna are you ready to come back with me?"

"Yes, Tia."

Celestia teleported herself and her sister in Twilight's room. When they arrived, Twilight and Shadow were doing the exact same thing when Luna and Dash left. Twilight raised her head towards the flash of light.

She spoke coolly, "Hey Celestia, thought it was clear before that I never wanted to see you again."

Celestia ignored her protege's icy demeanor, and asked, "Twilight ...can I talk to Shadow in private?"

Twilight scoffed, "'Talk' huh? You only want to kill her again."

"Luna, do it" Was Celestia's harsh, quick command.

Luna grabbed Twilight with her magic and teleported away to the Everfree Forest to the ruins of the old castle where the Elements of Harmony freed Luna from Nightmare Moon. Celestia raised a shield around the library so Twilight wouldn't be able to interfere even if she wanted to.

When she had finished, she spoke. "Who are you?"

Shadow climbed out from the bed and walked up to Celestia.

"Don't worry Celestia... I'm not mad at you and I won't hurt you. I asked you to do it so I have no right to be mad at you that I died.

Celestia snarled, "Stop fooling around! I know you are not Shadow, Twilight isn't strong enough to do it!"

The pony paused. "Have you never heard the power of love?"

"Maybe you have her memories and her feelings but it's impossible... so answer me WHO ARE YOU and what are you planning to do with Twilight?!"

Shadow turned around and walked back to the bed.

"Oh Celestia... you know who I am, I had so much fun with your sister and with you."

Celestia's pupils dilated. "That's impossible... the elements destroyed you."

Shadow was laughing for a while then looked at the princess.

"It was only a minor setback, my powers were drained and I had to leave poor Luna alone. But I felt something... Twilight was trying so hard to forgive you but she couldn't and I needed a body to stay alive. Don't tell me you are not happy that she is finally herself again after the pain you caused her. Shadow's body was perfect for a revenge against you so I let Twilight do what she wanted. Then I simply captured the body. But..." the pony paused, "But after I took it... something changed inside me, the core of my very being... when I woke up and saw Twilight how happy she was that she could see me... and I.... I-"

"You fell in love with her." Celestia finished the sentence for her. "You didn't just took over Shadow's mind and feelings but it... she... corrupted you."

Shadow replied, "Oh Celestia, corrupt is such a bad word for it."

"Then how would you explain what happened to you?"

She took a deep breath, "Shadow's feelings touched my soul... she loved Twilight so much that she passed it on to me. I remember everything what happened to her, her whole life."

"...So... what are you planning now, Nightmare Moon?"

The corrupted Nightmare replied, "I need to ask a favour from you."

Celestia stared at her in shock, which gradually progressed to rage. "After what you did with Luna and all of Equestria, you want me to help you?!?!"

Nightmare brought up her argument. "I thought as goddesses your and Luna's work are to help every living being of Equestria and it wouldn't be only for me, Twilight would be happy as well."

"What do you want?!"

" I...I need you to repair this body. I've been trying to do it but I'm still weak and I don't know how much time I have left... maybe Twilight will be right after all and you will kill me again, but I can't hold this body how it is for long."

"If i help and you stay alive, you will be a regular pegasus until you die and i can't promise if the body dies that smoke will survive what you are."

"But ...I'll be here for Twilight, if you won't mind, I'll love her until I die."

Celestia countered, "Will you tell her who you are?"

Shadow gave a wry smile, "It would be a lot easier if I don't, Don't you think Celestia?"

Celestia was looking in the pony's skull holes where her eyes suppose to be which was filled with blue flames now.

"If you want, I'll tell her but I don't know how would she deal with it, or it can be our little secret but I'd like to talk with Luna if it's ok with you." She then prepared her magic. "Sit still."

Celestia's horn glowing filled the room with light and lifted Shadow's body in the air, the fireball again appeared around it then a minute later it disappeared when Celestia finished the spell.

----------

They arrived in front of the statue where Twilight and her friends found the stone elements of harmony.

"Luna what's Celestia going to do to her?"

Luna stared into the eyes of Twilight Sparkle. "Nothing."

"DON'T LIE TO ME," burst Twilight, "she already took her away once because she was jealous of her that I had someone other than her."

"You think Celestia wanted to kill her?"

The Element of Magic responded, "YES, WHAT ELSE COULD'VE GONE WRONG?! SHE IS A GODDESS SHE CAN DO ANYTHING!" She walked close to Luna while she was yelling, her face got wet by her tears which were pouring down on her face.

Luna cracked... "Oh Twilight."

Luna wrapped her hooves around Twilight's neck and pulled her closer.

"Maybe she is a goddess, but she can't do everything, all that power and wisdom she and i possess can't fix always everything."

Twilight sniffled, "I won't forgive her what she did."

"Why not Twilight? Shadow wanted it to happen, she wished for change, she knew the risks and no one could stop her."

"I don't want to lose her again." Luna stepped back and let go of Twilight to look into her eyes.

"How can you be so sure it's her?"

Twilight was about to open her mouth to answer but she couldn't.

"How do you know it's not something or someone else who took over her body?"

"I don't know that, but I loved her and I can feel who ever is inside of that body loves me and I don't want to lose this."

Celestia appeared with Shadow's body on her back. She levitated the body and placed in front of Twilight. Her eyelashes were closed and little blood was coming under it.

Luna walked closer to Celestia. Twilight kneeled down near Shadow who opened her eyes.

"Did it work?" asked Shadow looking around confused.

"Yes it did." answered Celestia from the back.

Twilight hugged Shadow and kissed her.

Luna asked Celestia, "Tia, who is she?"

Quite simply, Celestia stated, "Nightmare Moon."

"What? Why did you do it then?"

"I...I believe Shadow changed her, but she wishes to speak with you if you don't mind."

Luna turned her head to the kissing pair and focused her eye on the reborn pegasus.

Celestia then changed the subject, "What are you going to do with Rainbow Dash?"

"Tia, what do you mean?"

Celestia gave a wry smile, "She loves you and I saw it on your face that you love her as well that's why you couldn't hurt her in that room."

"B-But I hit her."

"You think a pegasus like her didn't hurt herself enough times that she doesn't even feel that. But when she asked you to break her wings you couldn't do it."

"Tia we should leave."

Celestia turned her head to the unicorn and the pegasus.

"Yes you are right."

They appeared in front of Luna's room.

""I've sent her friends back to Ponyville and explained everything, but someone is waiting for you inside."

"Tia you are-"

Celestia placed a hoof to her sister's mouth. "- Just go inside and be happy, I'll take care of the day and night for a few days don't worry.:

Without another word Luna opened the door and saw Dash in her bed then closed it after she stepped inside.

Shadow spoke to Twilight, "I'll never leave you again Twilight."

She responded sheepishly, "I'll make sure you keep your promise."

They look deep into each others eyes then Twilight teleported themselves back into her bed and continued what they began on the cold stones.

Comments

[Jphyper]

Your new prereader has made a huge difference. This story is actually readable now, at least in terms of grammar and spelling.

The plot, however, is just as confusing as this story's predecessor. Out-of-character behavior and rampant angst dominate this story. There also doesn't be any coherent reason for any of the decisions the characters made, and the effects and consequences of the previous story's equally-confusing events complicate it even further. They contradict their previous statements and actions at every turn. As a result, the plot has more holes in it than Shadow's legs, wings, and horn.

You've made a good start in the right direction, but you still have a long way to go.

[Anon-Do-Well]

Today I am going through the first chapters of every non-mature story on the front page and offering feedback on each one. Yours is the third.

Presentation

* List of words that should have their first letters capitalized: (1) names, (2) words that begin sentences. Don't do this with other words.

"Celestia, It has been a week, you can't stay inside forever... You have to take care of your duties."

* You appear to have some trouble with prepositions.

Luna stared at her older sister in concern.

*with concern

The sun was high on the sky

*in the sky
* "it's" means "it is" or "it has" and should not be used for constructions like "its rays," where you are indicating that something belongs to "it."
* The use of the word "god" seems inappropriate for the Equestrian setting.

"Twilight, what in gods name did you do?"

* Ensure that you place an empty line between every paragraph. You have missed quite a few.
* Here are some links to grammar sites that you may find useful. Presentation is important if you want readers.

Story

* This is a sequel to a story I have not read, so I do not feel at liberty to judge it.

Good day.

[EvilNaab]

I wrote this in 2 hours and LulamoonSparkle did a great a job with it, i'll rewrite both of my previous stories and write a few more maybe 2-3 if those still not worth it then i'll stick what i'm best at and leave writing.. don't wanna waste anyone's time.

Thanks a lot for the comments/advices

[Cytotoxin]

1314981

"I wrote it in two hours" is hardly an excuse for presenting public with nigh-incomprehensible drivel. You`ve butchered characterization, canon staples and plain old decency just to stuff in more of pointless angst. WHY would you do that?

Have a well-deserved thumbs-down.

[EvilNaab]

1336102

I didn't mean it as an excuse, don't know why would you feel like it this why. That 2 hours was the best 2 hours what i had in the last 1-2 month, i had a lots of fun writing this and i'm grateful for LulamoonSparkle's work she made it like 200% (if not more) better then the original was.

[Cytotoxin]

1336321

Well, here MUST be some excuse for writing this.

[EvilNaab]

1336335

If you hated the story this much, you don't need an excuse to mark it down ;) and lie the reason about it..

[Cytotoxin]

1336344

I believe I stated my reasons for disliking abundantly clear. It`s nigh-incomprehensible drivel that does away with every convention and dignity in favor of pointless angst.

However, I like to think that things like those were not meant to be. If you penned it and meant it... Well, my faith in humanity, shaky as it is, takes another blow.

[EvilNaab]

1336387

i don't know if i'm suppose to laugh or cry about this.. xD but looks like you are some psychologist so you can tell me about it o.O and what angst are you talking about?

[Cytotoxin]

1336433

angst /aNG(k)st/ Noun: A feeling of deep anxiety or dread.

I.e. the condition most of story characters seem to be permanently in. It`s annoying.

[EvilNaab]

1336551

sorry about that, but i wanted to create it this way..tho it was not my intention to make it permanent
maybe i could write a little more at the end what happens with them and make it happier, but i really don't know

[Cytotoxin]

1336590

That much, I wouldn`t have much of an issue with - after all, it`s a legitimate state of mind. The problem is that there is NO good reason for characters to feel this way. Every single decision, action and utterance by characters is against logic, common sense, sanity and dignity - and all of this just so you could have your angst.

In short, your story fails to get reader to sympathize. At best, it looks like the problems characters experience were entirely their own fault, and they have no place experiencing any kind of grief or anxiety, being the soulless monsters they are represented as. It feels grotesque and ridiculous, evoking no sympathy nor sadness. It`s as if you made a bunch of potato dolls, mashed them with the pestle and then implored us to believe what we`ve witnessed was the tale of sublime drama between fairies of untold beauty.

[EvilNaab]

1336694

First of all i don't have any angst and i don't think so i ever really had (maybe i'm soulless and i should write only dark stories, don't know). i don't really remember when and how i wrote the whole thing it was a long time ago maybe (2 months now).

Tho you are right about the characters i don't wanna argue about it, i had a lots of experience with grief and stuff and did stupid things cause of the anger, so I didn't want to introduce them as "soulless monsters" so i'm sorry if it seems that way. But when something like this happens the first time with (Twilight), i wanted to write that she would do ANYTHING to undo the happenings with her talent.

I hope next time i'll make a better emotional build up for the characters and for the actions what/why they do that, so you and others can like it.

Thanks a lot for the comment

[Cytotoxin]

1336788

Angst is just another word for feeling grief/anxiety/sadness. In it`s most academic sense, angst is simply a state of brooding.

As for "soulless monsters", that comes from the fact you have everypony behave like one. Nopony even tries to look from the viewpoint of another. Twilight is the most egregious example of such, but Luna is close second. I`m not even going to touch the clusterfuck that is Celestia in your story. CONTROL, damnit. None of your characters have any control, none of them think ahead, plan ahead, consider options. They behave like range figurines, welded to the rails and destined to fall at predetermined spot. And you forgot to bring in the rifles.

[EvilNaab]

1336886

if you say so, i think about it in different way
Tho i understand what you say

[Cytotoxin]

1336904

Oh yes, the forever excuse of "we`ll agree to disagree". WRONG. Had you ever seen people go off the deep end like this? Do you actually comprehend just how shattered a psyche has to become to actually cuddle a corpse? To get excited when it becomes reanimated with something that`s VERY clearly magic? Did it ever occur to you that a mind shattered so badly would not, COULD NOT just spring back, like nothing ever happened?

For crying out loud, THIS, this is what I`m talking about. You have no concept of emotions, of the scale and measure and reaction. One does not break down so easily, so quickly, so thoroughly, and one does not bounce back from it like nothing ever happened a few minutes after. Such flippant attitude towards workings of mind cheapens the whole thing, makes it look like a tired theater where weary actors scream out their faked grief to get it over with and get off this sad pathetic scene as fast as possible.

[EvilNaab]

1336976

Nah i'm sure if we would sit down to the same table and talk about this whole stuff for a while we could agree at some point about feeling emotions differently and the experience why would you feel that emotion and how you call that emotion/feeling and yes i'm a trashy writer you could say that in the first place i would agree with you so easily if you write the last 3 comments into 1 big one, not that i'd disagree with that fact now.

[Cytotoxin]

1337124

For crying out loud. You COULD DO BETTER. You could`ve thought a little about what characters would feel. How they would react. You could`ve slept on it, damnit. Instead, you churned this drivel out in two hours and didn`t even think to try and improve it. Instead, you tossed it out for all to see, not even trying to think about improving it first. It outright insults the common sense, reading it makes me literally exclaim "Why would you do that?", "WTF?" and "This is just ridiculous!"

[EvilNaab]

1337236

I don't know, maybe i was playing too much Starcraft bw on iccup or CA and sleeping less n less/day, the whole thing came so easily so i thought maybe it's kinda acceptable. I already need to rewrite everything i wrote so looks like this won't be a exception or simply delete the whole crap donno yet..along with acc

[Cytotoxin]

1342611

Key word is cynicism. Look it up, read up on it, and USE it to gauge how characters will react. You can not persuade reader your characters are worth sympathy if you don`t make them react in reasonable ways. Grand gesturing and screaming fits are for kids who want attention - think petty, vindictive, cruel, greedy, calculating. Characters that are driven by their needs and desires, ones that can and will suppress the feelings when it`s convenient to pretend, ones that will have to struggle to overcome their natural selfish impulses to strive for something greater... This makes for living characters.

[EvilNaab]

1342623

Ok, Thanks a lot