Scootaloo is a changeling and by the end of the week she has decided that she will tell her two best friends about her. Unsure how the other CMC's will take it, she is a little scared.
Feel free to skip this story! I don't want to waste anyone's time but I don't want to revoke the submission if anyone is interested in reading a uninteresting story. If you enjoyed this story then I'm glad but I see it overall as a failure, but instead of wallow in the death of a crappy story I will take what I have learned and apply it to future projects. I am determined to make a great and engaging story on this website and that is exactly what I am going to do. I hope to show each of you that I can do far better then The Bug Crusader!
Thank you Review Filly for taking the time to read my story and write a review. Also thank you to all of the comments for the criticisms alongside the enjoyment of aspects from the story. Everyone is awesome, I'll do what I can to make it up to each reader.
First, I don't really like characters that break the 4th wall. [Edit: I think it's okay if there's a reasonable explanation, like the story being a simulation, and the character being aware of that] Second, Applejack is being a hypocrite here. Third, the reader has no say over the story.
Yeah..., this chapter went way overboard with the 4th wall jokes. If the jokes had ended with the joke about one of Apple Bloom's theories being listed as non-canon, that could've worked since it's a good joke. They were all good jokes, but they too easily made it difficult to take the story seriously.
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I agree, I'm not that big of a fan of fourth wall breaks, I think its overused and not that interesting. I am experimenting with different forms of comedy. Applejack being a hypocrite here is true, I am wondering how this is a problem though? Characters being hypocrites can be a source of comedy and I don't feel like its something that Applejack would never say? Its also true the reader has no say over the story but each reader perceives the story in a different way, meaning that you are the only one who read the story as you perceive it, it could have been clearer about that I do agree but the joke that follows would not make sense if explained fully.
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That's what I was afraid of, and you're right. Thank you for the comment!
I think that once you stopped trying too hard to make it a comedy, it ended up feeling a lot more accurate to the show.
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The jokes were still amusing though.
So nothing like what happened in the actual show?
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Thank you! Comedy is not my strong suit.
How do i put this....
This is a funny story, its decently well writen but the jokes are a bit overdone in places and some of them just dont land right with me, plus the overall core concept has been done before and done better (see Undead robot bug crusaders) so yeah, worth reading, but not a masterpeice
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I'm not saying there is anything wrong with Applejack being a hypocrite, just stating it. The comment wasn't meant as a criticism.
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My misunderstanding then. I assumed it was criticism and wanted to know what you thought was wrong with it.
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I think you put it into better words then I ever could. This is probably the laziest story I made and accept the criticism along side the praise. I'm overall glad that is seems that the reviews are mostly positive but I will try and make a story that all of you readers can enjoy wholeheartedly.
It’s always nice for one of the Crusaders to cheer another one up. It’s so freaking adorable.
I'm much more fond of drama than comedy, so it's hard to describe why many of the jokes aren't landing. I will say that pretty much all of them outside the 4th wall jokes weren't cringeworthy at the very least.
Addendum: So, I misread the last joke. It's still decent, the idea that Scootaloo thinks her hoofwriting will change/improve by changing into an adult pony. However, I originally read it as Scootaloo writing "Scootaloo's Mom" as the signature.
Now that I'm finished, I agree with the sentiment that there were too many forced attempts at humor. This story would have probably worked better as a lighthearted slice of life or drama.
Something you are definitely going to want to put a lot of thought into for the potential sequel is how Scootaloo got to where she is (no parents, living in a cave). Could be very interesting.
Just a thought (it doesn't really affect the story), but why does Scootaloo purposely cripple herself? I don't remember if URBC explains it, but a different story (the only other completed Scootaling story I know on this website) explained it as the result of being a hybrid.
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Thank you for your comment. Seeing your name pop up again is always a joy!
I wish I wasn't in a rush when I made this but at the same time you learn more from failures. There is a decent possibility that I will remake this story and if I do I'll go more into what you mentioned along with it being an actual story. Regardless I probably hate this story more then anyone else on the planet but refuses to remove it for a few reasons but I won't go into that here. I agree with everything you say in your messages, its a bad story.
I am working on a large project that should be finished soonish. Hopefully I could see you there or on one of my better stories. Have a good one!