Sweetie Belle has to live with the fact that she is a robot, she has to overcome the challenges ahead no matter how tough they are.
This is my first story, expect bad writing!
Huge shout outs to TheBrokenBrony for editing some of the story and Brony9216 for all of the comments and keeping me in line!
Honestly these two deserve more love then I do, follow them, and leave a good comment.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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If anyone is interested in editing this story shoot me a private message. I kind of suck at writing.
No way that Rarity would allow Sweetie to play hooky. Twilight would also have a problem with it. Seeing as though there is no obvious way to write it so it makes sense, it would be better to avoid the "skipping school" plot point and have Sweetie go to the library after classes. It wouldn't change the results and would avoid the plot holes. Additionally, Sweetie going to school before reading up on her abilities would have great potential for comedy, drama, or character introspection.
Rarity knows that Sweetie can't cook.
Your verb choices throughout the story are odd, but I'll focus on this sentence as an example. This sentence would sound a lot better with different verbs: "Sweetie looked in her large mirror, seeing the same pony she saw every day, now with subtle differences."
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Thank you for the comment!
I do agree with the school portion, I wasn't exactly thinking how Rarity or any other character feels about it. I was more focused on creating more sympathy I guess and to explain why she wouldn't be going to school despite there being no reason not to go to school. Ill try and be better in the future.
(Edit: Man! I really should have done the school idea. That would have made this chapter way more interesting!)
Rarity does know that Sweetie can't cook. For me this is being said by Rarity for her to help her sister being sad, sense she knows that her sister loves helping her in any way. I could have been explained it better though.
I'm sorry for verbs, nouns, and everything. I am new to writing, but I'll go back in and fix it. Ill get better overtime. I just suck right now.
Constructive criticism is always welcome, let me know on anything else you come across.
You're definitely improving your writing. I only found one or two uses of present tense in this chapter.
Sunburst was handled fine, but I think the robots' exposition was too blatant. It didn't feel like a conversation with a robot hivemind.
This is a more complicated issue, but Sweetie Belle doesn't act like Sweetie Belle. She acts more like a calm adult rather than hyperactive child and what I've seen in the story doesn't support the change in attitude (see Sweetie Bot: A Heart's Warming Tale for a good example of how to have Sweetie Bot mature).
Funny thing is that halfway through this chapter, I was thinking "Where is Sweetie getting all these missiles from? Shouldn't she have an energy weapon?". Then, five paragraphs later you added her laser beam.
I'm curious to know if Rarity or their parents knew about Sweetie being a robot considering what Sweetie's purpose seems to be. Will that be addressed?
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Thank you very much!
I have watched the first couple season billions of times but I hardly watch the later stuff even though I still enjoy it, Sunburst is a character I don't know like the back of my hand. I dislike dwelling on something for too long while writing so it probably did feel like that, I tried not to have Sunburst ask questions because it already dislikes him and he knows it. Then Sweetie Belle...
Yeah, I 100% agree with this. Even while writing it, I could, not for the life of me, get Sweetie Belle to work in my head for this chapter. Apart of the reason why I counted this as half a chapter. It is a complicated issue, I thought of this chapter and thought that Sunburst would be a good pick and I was right, at least in my mind. Sunburst was easy to write for this chapter outside of not knowing him too much, however Sweetie was far worse. I could hardly force her or get her to come help without going back in fourth for a few hours. But as I stated I don't think this chapter should be wasted despite its many flaws. Sweetie Belle is better written next chapter, that I can say, but I can't promise it will be 'Sweetie Belle' that is for the reader to decide. Also with the mention of the map within the first couple lines I tried to convey that at least some time has passed from last chapter and Sweetie has changed through that time. I still agree that she was hardly Sweetie Belle.
I try and make everything as grounded as possible and pre establish things before hand, in Chapter 2 I mentioned the BFL and everything she will end up using, at least for the most part. Not saying I am a good writer but I do give it a decent amount of thought. I believe that Undead Robot Bug Crusaders made it so that Sweetie would have to eat and that would be made into material for her robotic stuffs. I was thinking of doing this as well but decided that it could slow down the story.
Her parents will not be mentioned most likely. Rarity will of course come up later. What do you think Sweetie's Purpose is if you don't mind me asking?
Thank you very much for your comment!
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Well, the robots say that Celestia made the robot making facilities and programs to protect others (possibly the element bearers in Sweetie's case). Since her guards seem to be going around to kill or capture one escaped robot, she likely changed her mind to some extent. Since there's a rogue robot hivemind, I believe it's most likely that she gave up on much of the entire program. Of course, if the program was abandoned some time ago, there are three options for what Sweetie's case is:
-Sweetie might have been following her "default" programming and went to Ponyville on "her own". Since the other CMC probably wouldn't have kept their mouths shut about Sweetie, word could have gotten back to Celestia.
-Celestia was okay with Sweetie being in Ponyville until she also went rogue because Sweetie was a superior model. This would likely mean that the entire program was not abandoned, only parts of it.
-Sweetie was being kept in Ponyville secretly by someone else (probably Rarity). Word would have gotten to Celestia eventually from the CMC.
Additionally, unless Rarity has horrific plot-convinient amnesia, Sweeite replaced a real filly, or Sweetie has been in Ponyville since her conception, Rarity probably knew about Sweetie being a robot. Otherwise, how could Sweetie have entered Rarity's life?
All this considered, the intrigue and suspense are good so far.
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Glad you have enjoyed the intrigue and suspense. I have plans to try and answer most of those points but unsure if I can fit all of it in without slowing anything down, a balancing act. I plan on making a post after the story is done to answer any questions and talk about my time writing the story, also what I want the story to be vs what it actually is, of course its no longer "my story" when I publish so I am interested in what others think after its done.
Also you do bring up a good point when it comes to the theory that Sweetie Belle would be made to protect the elements. It would be hard to put that within the story without Rarity knowing or writing in a simple "BECAUSE MAGIC!" for her having memories rewritten. I think it can be done and have seen it where I don't exactly mind within a story that I forgot the name of, but still a little lazy and wouldn't exactly work for the story I am trying to write. Also still going with the protect the elements train of thought it would be kind of a stretch in order for Sweetie to be placed with Rarity at her inception. That's fun to think about a way around that. Regardless you did hit one of the nails on the head at the very least.
I hope you will enjoy the climax whenever I get around to releasing the next couple chapters :) . Also omega thanks for the follow!
It will be difficult to describe why I didn't like this chapter (especially on a phone), but I'll try.
Considering the focus the guards in the previous chapters got, it's odd that they didn't encounter Sweetie at all before she was captured or weren't the ones who captured her. Unless you're planning to do something with them later, it's a setup without a payoff. It would have been nice to see Sweetie have to evade them before Celestia resorted to Discord (in fact, Sweetie killing or wounding the guards could be a great way to spur action from Celestia).
I get what you were trying to do with the trials (Sweetie's forced to admit her thoughts), but it wasn't as effective as it could have been. I think the issue was that there wasn't enough introspection, so it was rushed. However, I will admit that this is a part where the whole "Sweetie is a kid" thing does make it hard to write. This was the part I liked most. I just wish there was more to it.
What Discord did was fine considering his abilities, but I'm a bit worried about his presence. Good guy Discord has a tendency to destroy stakes in a story just because of how powerful and arbitrary he is (see one of the Past Sins sequels for an egregious example of this).
This chapter seemed disconnected from the rest of the ongoing plot. Specifically the chapter didn't really have much to do with Sweetie's ongoing struggles of running away. This wouldn't be too big of an issue if the sole goal was to show her internal struggles, but the chapter ends with a critical part of her external struggles. Perhaps it would be better to say that the main payoff was disconnected from what happens in the rest of the chapter.
It might also be more subjective. I've found that the best part of the story has been the intrigue, so the lack of it in this chapter was disappointing to me.
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Sorry you didn't like this chapter. But overall I do have good news that I can't share.
In this message I will try to completely avoid talking about future events but I will say there will be a pay off, there was always a plan to.
I should have spent more time on it but wasn't sure how to continue it. It was difficult to keep the conversation growing. With Discord interrupting the most important of questions was intentional.
Yeah I am aware of Discord and his problems. This of course goes into next chapter which I can't speak about.
It seems the main problem with this chapter is lack of time with the actual characters and our issue character. I wish I spent the last few years of my life writing so that I am able to give you guys a better story but you can't change the past. I am trying to get better however and I feel like I actually am, which is of course awesome.
At least you think I am decent at writing intrigue, jokes, jokes. True the only intrigue in this chapter is "What's going to happen next?" which is totally something no other chapter does. I like to think of this chapter as a build up to the next and I should get done with it soon. I cut myself off from my friends for a while in order to get some things situated in my life so I actually have tons of more time in order to write.
Aren't they a little young to try to build a time machine?
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Yes they are. I would say they are too young for a lot of things they do in the series as well. For example: making friends with a outlaw, making a love potion, wondering into one of the most dangerous forests in Equestria (Multiple times), this is why I don't think its out of the realm of possibility.
Thank you for you're comment! Also I am not great at reading jokes, sorry if this in one and I am too dense.
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It is a joke. When did they make friends with an outlaw?
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Appleoosa's Most Wanted, Season 5, Episode 6. It was the Trouble Shoes episode.
Yeah, sorry. Jokes are a little hard to read through text.
So, some thoughts now that I'm finished reading:
As you mentioned, there are a lot of parts where changes could have been made to significantly improve the drama (e.g. Sweetie causing more infrastructure or bodily damage). The "half" chapters in particular have a lot of details that could have greatly improved if expanded upon.
Outside of the part at the beginning where Sweetie plays hooky, most of the character decisions made sense. The characters did act as though they were making decisions rather than having an author get them to act out in a premade storyline, so good job on that front.
One thing that's been troubling me (and to be fair, this is a problem in most dramatic Sweetie Bot stories) is that the gap in technology stands out and the sci-fi and fantasy mesh poorly. It was particularly noticeable when Sweetie was using weapons, considering their power and seemingly endless ammunition. While the overall problem may be difficult to fix, it would be a good idea in future Sweetie Bot stories to limit or rationalize her weapons (e.g. they require loads of power to use).
Expanding upon the idea of Sweetie causing destruction as the story progresses, an idea would be to have the virus slowly take control of Sweetie during tense situations, causing her to not realize that something is wrong. It would also increase the foreshadowing, as the virus itself wasn't really revealed or hinted to be a virus until this chapter (at least from my recollection, maybe I missed stuff considering I thought the tentacles were necromantic).
I think it would have benefited to either have the story become fully limited omniscient or switch back and forth between Sweetie, the Mane 6, and the soldiers. The latter would have a lot of dramatic irony potential and the former would create an unreliable narrator, both of which would significantly increase the tension and drama.
The reveal of Sweetie's purpose was disappointing. The method she used to get to Ponyville was contrived and basically halts any potential for intrigue or conspiracy. It also doesn't explain how she integrated into Rarity's family.
What's most important is that you did complete the main story. I've seen too many dead and active accounts with wholly incomplete stories that it becomes annoying and sometimes even depressing (one of my first read and favorite stories on the website, Solitary Locust, hasn't been touched in almost a decade). It's good that you pushed yourself to finish your first story.
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When I decided I wanted to try and make games every video told me: hey start with a small game and then later you can make the game you actually want to make. The reason I bring this up is because I realized that I fell into this trap when I made UPF. It was a big scope for a first story and I only realized that after I made my other story.
I'm glad that the characters recacted the way you would think, with all of those characters it was certainly hard to manage.
Yeah Si-Fi and fantasy usually doesn't mix, that usually goes for power scaling as well. I mentioned a few times that robots were powerful and didn't explore it in detail, for one it gave me freedom to do what I want and I think a story smaller in scale could do it a lot better, once I get better though I should be able to properly mesh the two genres. There is atleast two stories I need to make before I do another Sweetie bot story so hopefully I will improve enough to do it justice.
The core idea I had behind the parasite was that is represented Sweeties depression and grew as the story progressed along with her sadness. Now I am not an expert on the subject and don't want to to much about it but the idea is that it got to a boiling point were it began lashing out at others around her. But I do agree, even at one point in the story if Sweetie was taken over it would make for a more engaging story.
For the most part the reason why I didn't do this is because I wanted to keep the readers in the dark. Also I wasn't really sure what to do with the main 6 most of the time. When I first made the story, the guards didn't really have a personality and their goal was supposed to create a sense of time limit for Sweetie, with hindsight it would make more sense that away.
It's just a disappointment of an ending honestly. It was rushed to finish the story :(.
Completed! Yay! Bigger and better projects are on the way!
(Also sorry for the rushed message and typing. Am on a phone) Hope the experience overall was positive!
Now, the dialouge feels a bit too... simplified, and the character reactions are not as variable as fluid as they probably would be, but this is still very good!
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I am planning on a possible rewrite of this story that would hopefully fix those issues along with others (Probably not for a bit though). If you find anything else that might need some more work feel free to let me know. Thank you!
Glad you enjoy it!
Well that is a creepy ending. Everything is moving along fast, and hits hard.
Ah, some conflict. Although I do wonder where Sweetiebot came from. That is usually a big problem in these stories. Like, why does she have a missile launcher?
Now, I like the general direction of the story, but, I have to ask: Where is she getting all those missiles? Is her body making them? How did she store them in her body? What did she use to make them?
I think it is a good idea to try to explain and plug up plotholes in a story, especially if it is already good, since it gives the world some internal logic and believability. Excited to read more from you soon, word-smith.
This sentence is fused together and comes out a bit janky. A few small improvements such as: (Sunburst, after reading an another line heard a small explosion and jumped back ,once again landing in the papers.) would be a good way to polish things out.
Here, small changes like:(Wait, but what are you doing here? You say You`re OR you are here to rescue me,but what does that mean?)
In general, the story is written well, but the grammar is a bit lacking. I recommend either proofreading the chapters yourself, or getting someone else to go through and grammar-check for you.
Also, the conversation seems to be moving along quickly, almost too quickly. The characters feel as if they are reading off a script like robots (ironic), instead of acting out based on their emotions. Don`t have any fancy advice other than trying to live your story through your characters by becoming them, and adopting their beliefs and personality. AKA: Believe you are sunburst, put yourself in Sunburst`s situation, act like sunburst, write, PROFIT.
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Sorry for taking awhile to get back to you, I fixed the lines you pointed out. Grammar is something I'm not great at but something I am slowly improving on. TheBrokenBrony and Brony9216 did help a little but I think I went a little too fast during the writing so they couldn't help to much. With this being my first story I was obsessed with it and couldn't slow down because I was having too much fun writing it. Its funny because right now I am writing another Sweetie Bot story and asked for an editor but they are wanting to change big parts of the story and won't listen to me. :(
I didn't explain Sweetie Bot's abilities well. I did try my best and tell the readers of the abilities she does have so it doesn't feel like she is pulling random plot fixing tools out of her barrel. In my mind her body could keep on making missiles without a worthy drawback. Future me apologizes for this annoyance.
Anyways here is some art that I might not ever use!
media.discordapp.net/attachments/730655906575941686/1035758380758863963/BotBook.png