New seeds for Stable two

Bastler #1 · Feb 8th, 2022 · · · Prologue ·

Interesting story so far.
So far one question came up in my head.
Why does the overmare risk the life of two scientists? I‘ve understood that Appletree probably doesn’t need protection, but Stardust only accompanys her because she’s shy and her sister?

Was the research Stardust was doing not important or is Appletree so shy that she didn’t have anyone else who could go with her?

Otherwise a very promising start!

Lex the Pikachu

Lex the Pikachu #2 · Feb 8th, 2022 · 2 · · Prologue ·

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Not a bad start. Slightly hard to read in some areas but that is likely due to the translation.

When talking about Stables as in the FoE rendition of Fallout's Vaults they should be spelt with a capital letter at the beginning as they are names.

Littlepip is one word and PipBuck, or you could put it as Pip-Buck.

But anyway, this was a good start, keep it up.

Sandy Rose

Sandy Rose #3 · Feb 8th, 2022 · 1 · · Prologue ·

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11146211
As the translator of this story I´m very glad for that feedback. Thank you.
I was not sure about the way of spelling these words. I was looking up in the internet. But thanks to your hints I can improve my work in the next chapters^^

Lex the Pikachu

Lex the Pikachu #4 · Feb 8th, 2022 · · · Prologue ·

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11146273
No problem, happy to help

FakkaJohan

FakkaJohan #5 · May 4th, 2023 · · · Chapter 1 - Outside ·

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She looked up: “That´s total bullshit. Out here everypony can do what he´s up to no matter what his butt shows.” We lay down to sleep. I woke up to a scream from Bubbles. She stood screaming in a corner and pointed to the floor. Appletree slowly opened her eyes.

I like the story so far, but I do think the pacing could be better. I think this little paragraph is a good example. They're in the middle of a conversation about their roles in society and then they suddenly go to sleep to then immediately wake up again in like two sentences. Try to take more time explaining what the characters are doing, don't just jump from one thing to the other.

This chapter has the same problem overall, a couple times I was kinda lost as to what was happening. This chapter they left the stable, went to Golden Oaks Library, shot some raiders, freed a pony, fought some more raiders and went to sleep. That is a lot for just 3500 words. Try to explain more what the characters are doing, where they're going and what they're thinking about it.

AppletreeIStardust

AppletreeIStardust #6 · May 4th, 2023 · 1 · · Chapter 1 - Outside ·

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Yes your are right, i see this to after re reading it and i am happy abbout your opinion, the sad is its tolate but maybe i can use it, in german the storry whit 23 chapters^^ and only a view people give me theyr oppinion. Thats the poynt why you make me happy

FakkaJohan

FakkaJohan #7 · May 4th, 2023 · · · Chapter 2 - Towards New Appleloosa ·

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Like I said on the previous chapter, you're moving too fast. The realisation of the transformation goes too fast and Stardust accepts it way too easily. Trying to keep the inner timberwolf under control also goes too easily, Stardust sets a limit and Appletree immediately follows it. There is essentially no conflict, no struggle.

I also you're often telling rather than showing. Like when Appletree transforms back into a pony you just write

she was herself again

which doesn't really show the situation, what's happening, it just explains what happens. If you're just explaining it sounds very dry and uninteresting.

The paragraphing is also very weird. Sometimes they are long and sometimes short. The long ones especially should be broken up. Try to find a rithm in when you do paragraph breaks so that they are all manageable for the reader.

But the story so far is pretty interesting, do continue writing!

FakkaJohan