Spoiled Stripes

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Fudgilator

Fudgilator #1 · Dec 25th, 2021 · 2 · 4 · Epilogue/Prologue ·

Hoo boy, where to start. I’ll first point out that I haven’t read the story, only the synopsis, and despite containing most of my favourite things, it was enough to turn me away.

When writing a story it’s important to keep a few things in mind regardless of subject matter: grammar, tense, and vocabulary. It’s fine to make a few mistakes - we’re talking about writing smut fiction based on a kid’s tv show - but the sheer number of mistakes right out the gate here needs addressing.

- “without nothing to do” : This should be “with nothing to do”. Without nothing is a double negative and means that she does have something to do.

- “without nothing to do she realizes that” : This is a run on sentence. Because the subject changes, this should be a new sentence: “Spoiled finds herself alone in her large house, bored and horny, without nothing to do. She realizes that one of her husband's Employees came over to retrieve some files.”

- For the first two thirds of the synopsis you use current tense (finds, realises) and then you change to past tense (came, decided). Changing tenses in the middle of a story is confusing and immersion breaking. Decide whether you are describing something that is currently happening, has already happened, or is going to happen, and keep it in mind whenever you use a ‘tense word’.

I havent downvoted and don’t plan too, but I also don’t plan on reading the story. First appearances are important. I highly recommend proofreading your work, or using correctional software such as grammarly if you aren’t confident.

I hope further stories from you improve, and don’t be discouraged from continuing to write!

shadelira

shadelira #2 · Dec 25th, 2021 · 1 · 1 · Epilogue/Prologue ·

A fun read, I like what you did at the end. No spoilers people. pay no attention to the neigh sayers. Be proud of your work and Have fun writing. I look forward to seeing more of your work!

Fudgilator

Fudgilator #3 · Dec 25th, 2021 · 1 · 1 · Epilogue/Prologue ·

11096078
Sorry, let me clarify; I’m not trying to be negative, only helpful. My feedback definitely comes across as heavily negative, but I mean it when I say that I want to see more from this author.

I wouldn’t have bothered writing an essay like that if I didn’t think there was a lot of potential here.

rakhen