Friendship is Overrated

by Jphyper

Episode 15: Spilling Pukie's Beans

Twilight Novel lay in the grass in Pokeyville Park, reading a novel as usual. "As the spacefaring stallion's face crept closer to her own, Dominatrix Moon felt her cheeks grow warmer. Their lips met, tongues lashing as-"

"TWILIGHT!"

Groaning, Twilight looked up from her novel to see her roommate dressed in a tuxedo and top hat. "What do you want?" Twilight groaned.

"We're supposed to be practicing your magic," Butterscotch replied. "It's why we came out here in the first place."

"I am practising my magic. I'm using it to turn the pages," Twilight countered.

"That's not real practice and you know it," Butterscotch said.

"Okay, okay, we'll do it your way," Twilight grumbled. With a flick of her horn, Butterscotch Syrup's hat levitated off her head slightly and turned into a large rock. Twilight released her grip and the rock fell on her head, knocking her out cold. "There, happy?" Twilight asked. "I know I am. Finally, some peace and-"

(SPLAT!)

"Hi, Twilight!" Pukie Pie yelled.

"Ugh…" Twilight groaned. "Pukie, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, I'm just trying to predict the future using body movements," Pikie replied.

"…What?"

Suddenly, Pukie Pie spun around and whipped Twilight with her tail. "Ow! What did you do that for?!" Twilight demanded.

"It's a twitch," Pukie explained. "It means something's going to fall."

"That's ridicu-" Twilight began before a half-empty beer bottle fell seemingly out of nowhere and shattered against her noggin, knocking her out cold.

"Told ya," Pukie said.

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 15: Spilling Pukie's Beans

"Whoops," a voice called out from above. F**kershy unsteadily lowered herself to the ground. "Watch out for that."

"Are you drunk?" Pukie asked.

"I'm not drunk, I'm Flickershot. I think," F**kershy replied.

"Yeah, you're definitely drunk," Pikie said.

"Whatever. I'm off to the bog, if anypony needs me," F**kershy slurred as she stumbled away.

As Pukie stood wondering what to do about her unconscious friend, Apple Peel happened to walk by. "Hey, Apple Peel. Little help here?"

"Fine," she said with a roll of her eyes. She picked up the two unconscious ponies and tossed them into a nearby mud pit. Apparently, mud pits are a common thing in Pokeyville. Who knew?

The cold moisture of the mud shocked the ponies awake and they immediately stood, gasping for breath. Butterscotch Syrup climbed over Twilight Novel (quite rudely, I might add) to escape, after which, she hurried off back home, presumably to clean up. It's not certain that cleaning is actually what she intended to accomplish, as there are other things a mare covered in mud could do, but this is not the time or place to think about such things.

After finally managing to climb out of the mud, Twilight headed off to Pukie Pie's house to use her cleaning facilities, as her own were (hopefully) occupied. Most other ponies would've complained about somepony else barging into their house uninvited to use their shower, but Pukie decided she'd simply charge her for it and send her a bill later.

---

As Twilight sat grumbling in Pukie's shower, the pink pony entered the bathroom with various shampoos and other supplies. I suggest you don't try to think about why she keeps them in a separate room. It's not worth the effort. "So my future-seeing powers work like this," she began.

"I didn't ask you to explain your so-called 'abilities'," Twilight interjected.

"Well, too bad! You're getting an explanation anyway," Pukie said. "They work like this: I get various twitches, and each kind of twitch indicates what's about to happen."

"Wait, aren't you afraid that might actually indicate a tumor or some other serious condition?" Twilight asked.

"Twilight, I've had so many CAT scans that dogs have started growling at me," Pukie explained. "I've had so many MRIs that my head throws off compass readings. They found nothing. Now where was I?"

"The twitches indicate something," Twilight offered.

"Ah, yes. For example, my tail whipping someone in the face means they're about to be hit by a falling object, and if my knee is pinchy, something stupid is about to happen. That usually indicates that Twit is about to enter the room. Doesn't get much stupider than that."

"If what you say is true, then that knee better not be pinchy now," Twilight grumbled.

"Nah, but my shoulder's kinda sore. That means there's an iguana in the shower," Pukie said.

Twilight looked down. Standing next to her was a baby dragon where there hadn't been one a moment earlier. "'Sup?" he greeted.

With a shriek, Twilight tossed him out of the bathroom. "What the heck was that?!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, that's my pet iguana, Dummy," Pukie explained.

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm a dragon?!" Dummy yelled.

"He's so silly," Pukie added.

As Twilight watched, she suddenly remembered all the cool stuff she had in her basement. This was finally a chance to put some of it to use! "Hey Pukie. You mind if I try out my brain scanner?" she asked.

"Okay, but it's not going to work," Pukie warned.

---

About half an hour later, Pukie Pie found herself in Twilight Novel's basement, strapped to a strange machine. Pukie looked at the device on her head and said, "So you really think this vegetable strainer-"

"Brainwave/magic analyser!" Twilight corrected.

"…brainwave/magic analyzer is more sensitive than Cantaloupe University's best stuff?" Pukie asked.

"Of course! The data is picked up by these sensors on the outside…" Twilight explained.

"They look more like holiday lights to me," Pukie mumbled.

"…and then it goes through the wires to my machine here, which will print out all sorts of data," Twilight concluded.

"I dunno… This looks kinda dangerous," Pukie said hesitantly.

"Oh, come on! What's the worst that could happen?"

Suddenly, a voice spoke from the computer: "Voice command recognized: 'Worst that could happen'. Initiating self-destruct sequence…"

"No, cancel the self-destruct!" Twilight ordered.

"Voice command not recognized," the computer stated. "Did you mean to say, 'Candy-loving bugs'?"

Twilight whipped out her phone and dialed a number. "Beam us out, Scotty!" she yelled.

---

Twilight Novel sat in a bush wearing a camo-colored jacket and face paint. She held a set of binoculars in her magical grip as she observed Pukie going about her day. Suddenly, the voice of Dummy the "iguana" spoke up behind her: "What the hay are you doing?"

"Gah!" Twilight gasped. "Don't you know better than to sneak up on a powerful unicorn? I could've accidentally vaporised you!"

"That doesn't answer my question," Dummy said.

"I'm spying on your owner. Since the library's still being repaired, I don't really have anything better to do," Twilight explained.

"I thought she filed a restraining order against you after that," Dummy questioned.

"The application was denied because we're both main characters and need to interact occasionally," Twilight explained.

"Well, either way, you're not doing a very good job." Dummy pointed to where Pukie had been standing a moment earlier to show she had left.

"Crap!" Twilight hissed as she ran off.

---

Twilight Novel hid in another bush as she observed Pukie eating lunch at a picnic table. Suddenly, her head slammed down into her food. She immediately hopped up onto the table and braced herself.

"Odd. I wonder what that one me-" Twilight was interrupted as she was suddenly run over by the bunny motorcycle gang first seen in Episode 4. "Ow…" she groaned.

---

One hour and several dozen healing spells later, Twilight and Scotty found themselves hiding behind a stack of hay bales at that one apple farm whose name I forgot. There, they saw Pukie frolicking through a patch of flowers. "Why are we doing this again?" Scotty asked.

"Because we're bored and have nothing better to do," Twilight replied.

"Oh yeah," Scotty said.

Suddenly, Pukie let out a loud screech as her head started spinning around rapidly. "Okay, that's freaky," Scotty said with trepidation.

"I wonder what it means," Twilight mused. Suddenly, a trap door opened up beneath her and she fell, letting out a loud scream upon hitting the bottom.

"Ah, so that's where Big Windows has been hiding all the sharp tools," Apple Peel said.

"They look awfully rusty," Scotty noted.

---

After a trip to the hospital and another round of healing spells, Twilight found herself, you guessed it, hiding behind yet another piece of scenery to spy on Pukie.

"This is starting to get dangerous," Scotty said.

"We'll be fine," Twilight replied. Suddenly, Pukie's tail made a whipping motion, sending a clump of fur flying and smacking Twilight in the face.

"I'm out," Scotty declared as she stepped away from her roommate.

Remembering what being whipped in the face meant, she looked up. Sure enough, there was Derpy trying to deliver a vat of boiling metal. "Oh, **** no…" Twilight said in disbelief. Sure enough, Derpy lost her grip and the vat began to fall…

---

"Hey, Apple Peel! Whatcha doing?" Pukie asked.

"Playin' with sharp, rusty tools," Apple Peel replied. "How 'bout you?"

Pukie shrugged. "Oh, I'm just trolling Twilight as she spies on me. Ponies who do that tend to set off my bad predictions more often."

"WHAT?!" Twilight's voice echoed from within the metal sphere that had formed around the shield she had managed to put up at the last moment. She rolled over to her friends. "You knew I was getting hurt, but didn't help me? Some friend you are!"

"What, and let myself get targeted by my predictions, too?" Pukie asked. Suddenly, she began to shake violently for a moment. "Huh, that's a new one."

"What does that one mean?" Twilight asked.

"How should I know? I just said it's a new one!" Pukie said.

"Well, what do you think it means?" Apple Peel asked.

"Well, if I had to guess… either I left the oven on or F**kershy's in trouble, and not the usual kind," Pukie replied thoughtfully.

"You'd better go turn the oven off, then," Twilight said.

"Nah, the Bakes can take care of it. Let's go check on F**kershy," Pukie suggested. "Come on, she went this way!"

"First, could somepony please get me out of this thing?" Twilight asked.

---

As Pukie Pie, Twilight Novel, Apple Peel, Scotty, and Dummy wandered through the bog, Pukie continued to shudder at regular intervals. "Are you sure this isn't some sort of seizure?" Twilight asked.

"No, it's definitely my predictions going off," Pukie replied.

"I wonder what's wrong with F**kershy," Scotty mused.

"Maybe she exploded," Dummy suggested.

"Doesn't she do that every night?" Apple Peel asked.

"Hey, careful with the suggestive comments. We're trying to keep this a Teen-rated story," Scotty reminded. I agree with her, by the way. I really don't want to change the rating.

"What if she exploded for real? Like, 'boom'," Dummy asked.

"We're not that lucky," Twilight replied.

---

After another half hour of searching, the group finally found their friend passed out on a half-sunken log. Luckily, this is fiction, and in fiction, there's one surefire way to instantly awaken and sober up someone who has passed out from drunkenness: the ponies splashed cold water on her. Considering the state of the water, it had the side effect of making her smell even worse, but it did the trick.

"You okay, girl?" Apple Peel asked.

"I was until you jerks woke me up," F**kershy snapped.

"She's fine," Scotty whispered to Dummy, who chuckled quietly.

"What do you even want?" F**kershy asked.

"Pukie insisted you were in danger, so she dragged us here to check on you," Twilight replied. "I can see everything's fine, so let's get going."

Suddenly, an enormous hydra burst from the ground. "Hey, guys! Wanna hang out?" one of the heads roared. In reply, the ponies screamed and ran away.

"Dangit, Joe, you were too forward again!" Joe #2 said.

"Maybe they don't speak hydra," Joe #3 suggested.

"Don't be ridiculous. Hydra is the most comprehensible language in the world," Joe #3 retorted. "How could they not understand it?"

"Well, either way, they're getting away," Joe#4 noted.

"Come back!" Joe#1 yelled as he they the hydra started off in pursuit.

---

As the ponies ran through the jungle, they finally came across a wide, naturally-formed stone bridge crossing a deep chasm. With the hydra hot on their heels, the ponies didn't hesitate and hurried across. Twilight was a few paces behind the rest; as they reached the other side, she was only halfway across. It was at this moment that she turned around, lit up her horn, and yelled to the hydra, "You shall not pass!"

Growling in confusion, the hydra took a few steps onto the bridge. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Twilight screamed as she stomped on the bridge. With her strength boosted by magic, the force of the stomp cracked the bridge and sent the hydra falling into the swamp below. As the hydra fell, though, one of the heads (a.k.a. Joe #4) hit the remaining edge, causing it to give way a little more. Twilight twirled around and grabbed the edge. As her friends looked on, she yelled, "Fly, you fools!" before finally losing her grip and falling into the depths below.

Dummy, Scotty, Pukie Pie, and Apple Peel stared at the abyss in shock. F**kershy was staring at the abyss because it wasn't reflecting much sunlight and thus wasn't agitating her hangover. Suddenly, a flash of teleportation appeared next to them, causing F**kershy to groan in pain. "I said move!" Twilight yelled. Startled, the others jumped and complied.

---

Once the ponies were safely out of the woods, they stopped to catch their breath. "Well, Pukie, I admit it: it looks like your predictions are accurate after all," Twilight said between gasps.

"What are you talking about? I was just making it up as I went along," Pukie said. "I can't believe you fell for it!"

Twilight paused, her eye twitching. Her face started turning red. Finally, she screamed in frustration and stormed off.

"Why'd you tell her you made it up?" Apple Peel asked.

"Duh! To mess with her, of course!" Pukie replied. "Besides, it's not like it's going to come up again this season."

"You've got a point there," Apple Peel admitted.

Today's Moral: Fortune Telling is a load of manure.

As Twilight Novel finished writing her moral down, she noticed Pukie Pie walking past. She felt her tail whip her in the back of her head. Suddenly, Princess Trollestia appeared out of nowhere and tackled the poor girl. "I'll take that," she said as she picked up the note in her magic and flew away.

"Ow…" Twilight groaned as she lay motionless on the ground.

"I'll get the healing spellbook again," Scotty sighed. "Honestly, this is the third time this episode. You'd think she'd have memorized it by now…"

Author's Note:

I'd like to thank TDR for giving up on this story. I'm serious-- adding this to your "Possibly Dead" bookshelf was what gave me the kick in the pants I needed to get back to writing. I've decided that, if a chapter gives me so much difficulty that it stops production completely, I won't be so hesitant to skip it if I have to.

Comments

[wlam]

This is comedy in the same sense that Scary Movie is. Take that as you will.