Friendship is Overrated

by Jphyper

Episode 7: Dragonshout

As the new day dawned, F**kershy yawned and rolled out of bed. She shambled downstairs and out the door, where she fed the animal freeloaders that tended to gather around her house. She would often put just enough food for half of them, and then watch as they fought over every scrap. Today, however, she just didn’t feel like it. She’d had a long night last night; her customer had liked it particularly rough. She grabbed an egg from the coop and started making breakfast and coffee. While she was doing this, the aforementioned customer came downstairs and trotted up to the window.

“Why’s it so dark outside?” he asked.

“Because your BDSM collar is on too tight again,” F**kershy replied with a roll of her eyes.

“Oh, right,” he chuckled as he removed the collar. Looking out again, he commented, “Huh, that still didn’t help much.”

F**kershy turned her head to look out the window, where she saw an enormous cloud of smoke filling the sky. “Looks like Trollestia’s celebrating Prisoner Execution Day early this year,” F**kershy sighed.

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 7: Dragonshout

As F**kershy wandered into town, she took note of all the ponies wandering around. She saw Derpy trying to fly by. To her left, she saw Lima Bean sitting upside-down, while her friend Bun Bun sat normally, trying to pretend she didn’t notice. F**kershy noticed one thing in common about all the ponies: none of them noticed the giant cloud of smoke.

Suddenly, a loudspeaker whined as it was activated. The pony holding it was the town librarian, Twilight Novel. “Attention! As far as I can tell, none of you are observant enough to notice the giant cloud of smoke above you,” she began. She gave the ponies a moment to murmur among themselves, and then resumed, “As you all know, the Execution Day celebration isn’t until Friday. That means it’s coming from somewhere else. My sources say it’s a dragon. The princess wants me to bring some ‘volunteers’ to help get rid of it. Any takers?” Not surprisingly, no one raised a hoof.

“Alright then; in that case, the main characters have to go. Man, I’d hate to be those guys,” she finally said. Give her a moment for her words to sink in…

“…Hey, wait a second… oh, ponyfeathers…”

---

“What’s a full-grown dragon doin’ ‘round these parts, anyway?” Apple Peel asked.

“I’ll tell you what it’s not doing: paying rent,” Twilight replied. “That thing’s two months late on its payment, and we think this smoke thing is a giant ‘f**k you’ to the princess. Our job will be to kick its freeloading flank out.

“This is going to be a long trip, so we need to prepare,” she continued, “Apple Peel, Pukie Pie, you’re in charge of the food. Do NOT bring anything you made yourselves. Rhapsidy, you get the camping supplies. Brainbow Bash, you get the eviction notice ready. F**kershy, you… do whatever it is you do. Let’s all meet up after lunch.”

“Are we sure this is a good idea?” F**kershy asked. She was uncharacteristically nervous about the whole idea.

---

After lunch, the six gathered at the edge of Pokeyville. “Everyone ready?” Twilight Novel asked.

“I was thinking… maybe I should stay behind,” F**kershy suggested.

“But we might need you to seduce him to convince him to leave,” Twilight protested.

“But I… think I’m going into heat soon! Yes, that’s it. You know it comes on more often than the rest of you. With those mood swings, I’d be a terrible travel companion!” the pegasus said with just a hint of desperation in her voice.

“Don’t give me that, F**kershy. We all know your heat isn’t until next week,” the unicorn retorted.

“And how would you know about my bodily functions?” the pegasus argued.

Twilight Novel rolled her eyes as a flashback began.

(FLASHBACK)

After an intense game, the Pokeyville hoofball team was relaxing in the locker room. The stallions were joking and laughing about the events of the game. Suddenly, the door burst open, revealing a haggard-looking F**kershy standing in the entrance, panting and wild-eyed.

Then she began to scream. “You’re… going… to F**K ME!!!”

(END FLASHBACK)

“Trust me; we can tell,” was all she said in response. She pulled out her GPS and turned to the others. “All right, let’s go!”

They headed off towards the dragon’s mountain lair, dragging F**kershy kicking and screaming along with them.

---

As the ponies arrived at the base of the mountain, they paused to apply the mountain-climbing adhesive gel Rhapsidy brought along (because ponies can’t climb mountains).

“Hey, where’s F**kershy?” Twilight asked.

They looked behind them to see a yellow pony running back towards Pokeyville. Thinking quickly, Apple Peel pulled a rope out of her bag, twirled it over her head, and tossed it at the retreating mare. It looped around her legs and sent her sprawling to the ground. The five ponies stared at the scene, jaws agape.

“Did… did Apple Peel just…” Brainbow finally tried to say.

“Woo hoo! Ah finally did somethin’ right for a change!” Apple Peel cheered.

And so they continued up the mountain, with the orange earth pony dragging the perverted pegasus behind her. It was the first time F**kershy had ever been tied up without enjoying it.

With the extra load, Apple Peel eventually fell behind, forcing the others to stop and wait for them. As they waited, Pukie Pie beat Rhapsidy at ‘Paper, Rock, Scissors’ over thirty times in a row. Considering they don’t have fingers, that is quite a feat indeed. When the two finally caught up, they decided they couldn’t afford any more delays. They untied F**kershy’s legs so she could walk, though her wings remained bound.

After another twenty minutes, they came across a chasm with a rope bridge stretched across its span. An elderly stallion stood in front of it, barring their passage. “Stop!” he exclaimed. “Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ‘ere the other side ye see.”

“What happens if we get a question wrong?” Brainbow Bash asked.

“Then a strange creature that is half rat, half cricket with the face of a pony will come to you and take you to the place where all points converge. You will wake up at one in the afternoon tomorrow in your attic with no real recollection of how you got there,” the old stranger replied.

Desperate to escape this mission, F**kershy immediately made the most incorrect declaration she could think of: “I am not a slut!” Sure enough, a strange creature that was half rat, half cricket with the face of a pony came to her and tried to take her to the place where all points converge. However, Pukie Pie broke out one of her random musical numbers, which caused the creature and the elderly stallion to jump off the edge of the cliff just to escape her singing. With the path clear, the six ponies crossed the bridge in silence, being extra careful not to ask any questions, at least until they were across safely.

“I can’t believe you, F**kershy,” Twilight Novel groaned. “You’d really stoop that low just to get out of this?”

“Yes, I would,” she replied, before adding, “And that’s not my name. Why do you keep calling me F**kershy?”

“Because the author’s obsessive compulsiveness doesn’t allow him to use strong language,” Rhapsidy replied.

“Strong language? What’s wrong with my name?” the yellow pegasus demanded.

“Think about it. How do you spell your name?” Brainbow said.

F**kershy replied, “F-U-… Huh, I’ve never noticed that before.”

“Again with this ‘author’ stuff? Why can’t you all make any sense?!” Pukie Pie groaned.

---

Soon after that little discussion, they found themselves in front of a warning sign: ‘Danger: Avalanche Zone’. Another sign read: ‘Loud sounds may trigger an avalanche’. The more literate ponies were utterly confused. “But I don’t see any snow… how can there be an avalanche without snow?” Brainbow Bash wondered.

“They probably meant ‘rock slide’. It’s a common mistake,” Twilight pointed out.

“Ah,” Brainbow said. The ponies then continued casually, knowing a pony’s voice alone could not move something as massive as a pile of boulders.

“FUS RO DAH!!!”

They did not take into account the fact that F**kershy is a total b**ch.

After barely escaping the ensuing rock slide, the ponies paused to catch their breath. “F**kershy…” Twilight gasped, “you’re a flankhole…”

“I know; I try,” the pegasus replied with a smile.

---

After another hour of climbing, the group finally arrived at the mouth of the cave where the dragon had holed itself up in. “Well, here we are,” Twilight Novel announced, “ Okay, F**kershy, you’re up! Go use your feminine charm and get that dragon out of there!”

“I… can’t,” she mumbled.

“Why not?” the unicorn asked.

“I’m… scared of dragons,” she admitted.

“Why would you be afraid of dragons? Well, besides the obvious, that is,” Pukie Pie asked.

The yellow pegasus took a deep breath, then began to talk about her past. “Before I went freelance, I had a pimp who was a dragon. I still owe him money from my last client I had under him. Now every time a dragon comes around, I’m afraid it might be him looking for me.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Twilight declared. “Here, if it’ll make you happy, I’ll go inside and check to see if it’s him, okay?”

“Okay,” the pegasus whimpered.

Twilight Novel trotted inside to find a giant red reptile sleeping on a pile of bank notes and stolen credit cards. “Excuse me,” she declared, “I represent Her Royal Highness, Princess Trollestia, and on her behalf, I would like to ask you to find somewhere else to sleep.”

Without even moving any of his other body parts, the dragon moved the claws on one hand so that the center one was fully extended while the others were clenched tightly.

Upon seeing the purple unicorn storm out of the lair, F**kershy asked what color the dragon was. “Red,” she grumbled.

“Oh, good; it’s not him,” she sighed.

“So you’ll go in now?” Twilight asked hopefully.

“Nope. Are you crazy? That’s a full-grown dragon in there!” the pegasus yelled.

“Hey, where did Rhapsidy and Pukie go?” Brainbow suddenly asked. As if on cue, the two aforementioned ponies flew out the entrance of the cave. Rhapsidy’s bag was full of sample merchandise, order forms, and a piece of paper with a sales pitch written on it. Pukie’s bag, unsurprisingly, was filled with patties, having tried to bribe the dragon with food. As they lay there with their posteriors up, F**kershy noted they looked hot in that position, but immediately chastised herself, as it wasn’t the time for such thoughts.

“Okay, that’s it!” the blue pegasus declared, “That dragon can’t ignore a court order!” The blue pegasus pulled the eviction notice out of her bag and flew inside.”

“Three, two, one…” Twilight counted.

“FUS RO DAH!!!”

The legal pegasus was launched out of the cave and straight into a boulder, where she lay stuck in the pony-shaped imprint she left on its surface. “…or maybe he can…” she said, her eyes spinning dizzily.

F**kershy gazed hungrily between the other pegasus’s legs. ‘Get ahold of yourself!’ she thought, but was stricken by a realization: ‘…oh my gosh, my heat must be coming on early this time!’

Then the dragon came out of the nest. The yellow pegasus noted how attractive he looked, by dragon standards. She couldn’t take it anymore. “Hey, Mr. Dragon,” she cooed, “how’s this sound? I show you a ‘good time’, and you find yourself a new place to live. What do you say?” The dragon’s sly smile was all the answer she needed.

---

Several days later, she sat in the doctor’s office, grumbling about what he said. Out in the waiting room, Twilight Novel prepared the latest lesson.

Today’s Moral: When seducing a dragon, you should ALWAYS use protection.

Author's Note:

Disclaimer: The Bridge of Death scene is taken from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The consequence of failure in that scene is taken from My Little Pony: The (Abridged) Mentally Advanced Series.

Comments

[wao]

This is unbelievably amazing. It needs more recognition, apparently.
Also, whenever I read F**kershy in speech, I imagine a beep.