Friendship is Overrated

by Jphyper

Episode 6: Roast Munchers

“Come on, Twilight! You can do it,” Butterscotch Syrup encouraged. Twilight Novel was practicing spells that she had seen characters cast inside her book. Right now, she was focusing intently, her horn pointed at her lizard, Mike.

Her horn flashed, causing a dress to appear around the lizard. Not just any dress, mind you. The frilliest, most ridiculously adorable dress ever conceived by ponykind. “Awww… he’s so CUUUUUTE!” the two ponies gushed. Mike, however, simply blinked in obvious annoyance. He wanted to simply grab it with his tongue and eat it, but he knew from past experience that magically-conjured dresses tasted like crap. Literally.

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 6: Roast Munchers

As the two ponies and one lizard strolled through town, Scotty was gushing with praise for the purple unicorn. “Who knows? If you were to actually apply yourself, you could even be a match for one of the princesses!”

“Why would I want to do that? If I were to take them on, I’d have to take their place on the throne afterward, and then I wouldn’t have any time for reading!” Twilight argued.

“But you wouldn’t be trolled as much anymore!” Scotty countered.

The purple unicorn was about to reply, but she was bowled over by the village idiots: two unicorn colts named Sticks and Stones. “What is the matter with you two?!” Twilight demanded.

“We’re gonna see the new arrival in Pokeyville!” Stones replied.

“Yeah! They say she’s the best ever!” Sticks added. The two of them ran off again.

“Well, might as well see what all of the ruckus is about,” Twilight sighed as she and her companions headed off in the direction the two colts were headed.

---

Upon arriving in the town square, they saw a movie star's trailer with a makeshift stage attached sitting in the center of town amid a huge crowd of ponies. Twilight and Scotty made their way to the center of the commotion, where the other five main character ponies were waiting.

“Okay, what’s going on here?” Twilight asked. The other ponies shrugged.

Suddenly, a voice called out. “Ponies of Pokeyville, the time has arrived! Behold the Wonderful and Amazing Mary Sue!”

A puff of smoke enveloped the stage. When it cleared, the stage was occupied by a black alicorn mare with a red mane. “Yes, it is I, the world-famous Mary Sue, here to share the stories of my exploits to all who are willing to listen!”

And so she began her story. “When I was a filly, I was casting spells before most ponies could even read. And so, my parents enrolled me in Trollestia’s School for Super Unicorns. After I accidentally turned my dragon egg into an adult, Trollestia was so impressed, she took me on as a second student.”

“Hold on! I thought Twilight Novel was her only student!” Brainbow protested.

“Oh, Twilight Novel is here? The princess always spoke very highly of her. I’ve always wanted to meet her!” the pony on stage gushed. Twilight narrowed her eyes in suspicion. She knew Princess Trollestia, and she would never speak highly of anypony, especially her student.

“It was I who defeated Chunk Norless at the Battle of Wazoo! It was I who banished the evil Elephant Ninjas from the city of Hammertiem! I hereby challenge anypony here to a game or contest of their choosing!” the alicorn bragged.

Apple Peel was the first to take her up on her offer. She climbed on stage with a portable game console. “How’s about a battle?” Apple Peel offered. “Mah best team against yours.”

---

“Man, you got STOMPED!” Brainbow Bash laughed. The other ponies were rolling on the ground laughing as well.

“She had five Lugias and a Mewtwo when I specifically said ‘no legendaries’! How the hay am I supposed to compete with that?!” the orange mare protested. “If y’all think that’s funny, maybe you should try it.”

“I think I will,” Brainbow Bash said, having regained her composure. As she approached the stage, she began calculating her arguments for the verbal debate she was about to experience.

---

As the blubbering emotional meltdown formerly known as Brainbow Bash was carried off stage, Rhapsidy was just climbing on. “I challenge you to a sales pitch contest! Whoever sells the most wins!”

Rhapsidy cleared her throat and began her pitch. “New from Etcetarian Kitchen Accessories, Inc., I present to you: the Kitchenizer 4000! It chops, it strains, it even-”

“Every pony who buys from me gets a free cupcake!” the alicorn interrupted. The entire crowd rushed towards the stranger as she passed out kitchen accessories and pastries to every pony.

Next up was Twilight Novel, but she had become bored and wandered off quite some time ago, so we don’t get to see what she would have done. Besides, it probably would have been a speed read competition or a trivia contest or something equally unexciting to watch.

---

After the show, Mary Sue sat in front of a mirror admiring herself. She noticed a pair of colts approaching her. It was Sticks and Stones, and they were carrying a gift for her: a McPatty’s Joy Meal, pretty much the only thing their meager little minds could think of. “Look what we got you!” Stones exclaimed.

“It’s a Joy Meal! They say the fastest way to a mare’s heart is through her stomach!” Sticks added.

“Actually, that’s what mares say about stallions,” she corrected, “something you two are not old enough to be.” With that, she took the food from them. “I’m not fond of fast food, but nopony can pass up a free meal.” She looked inside and asked, “What, no prize?”

“It was a G3 My Little Ape,” Sticks said.

“Wow, they still make those? I thought that ‘Alliances are Magic’ line was all the rage these days,” she shrugged.

“Are you going to tell us how you banished the Elephant Ninjas now?” Stones asked.

“Oh, I can’t do that. That spell is an ancient Sue Family secret,” she replied. The two colts wandered off in disappointment.

After walking about half a block, they crossed paths with another pony. “What are you two up to?” Scotty asked.

“We’re trying to think of a way to get Mary Sue to tell us how she defeated Chunk Norless and the elephant ninjas!” Sticks exclaimed.

“She’s amazing!” Stones added.

“You guys are idiots. I, for one, will believe that when I see it and not a moment sooner,” the older pony stated. As she wandered off, she had no idea that she had just given the two idiots an idea- one they were too stupid to not try.

---

A few minutes later, Scotty arrived back at the library to find Twilight Novel sitting in front of the TV playing video games. “Why’d you wander off?” she asked the purple unicorn. “You could have beaten her!”

“No, I couldn’t,” Twilight replied. “Mary Sues are, by definition, unbeatable; that goes double for when she’s up against main characters.”

“You could have at least tried,” the background pony argued. At that, Twilight Novel pressed a button. It was at that moment that Scotty realized she was standing on her teleportation platform. “Oh, ponyfeathers.”

---

Scotty rematerialized on the outskirts of town, near the edge of the Forest of Doom. She sighed and began the long walk back home. Suddenly, she heard a commotion behind her. Sticks and Stones ran out of the Forest of Doom as the ground began to shake. As she ran alongside them, she demanded to know what was happening.

“You said you would believe Mary Sue if you saw her banish the Elephant Ninjas!” Sticks gasped as he kept on running.

“…Please tell me you didn’t,” Scotty pleaded. Just then, a group of elephant ninjas burst out of the forest behind them.

“We did!” Stones repled.

---

As Scotty headed for the library, Sticks and Stones pounded on the door to Mary Sue’s trailer. “What is all the racket?!” she screamed from behind the door.

“It’s time to show us how wonderful and amazing you are!” Sticks yelled back. Suddenly, a ninja leaped onto the trailer’s roof, crushing it in half.

“You guys are idiots!” the alicorn exclaimed.

“We know! Just stop the ninjas!” Stones replied.

Looking around, Mary Sue grabbed a chain and bound one ninja’s legs together with it. That particular ninja, however, was also a cyborg and cut the chain with a laser saw hidden in its leg. “Oh, come on!” Mary Sue groaned.

She tried again. She again used her magic, this time grabbing some conveniently-located high-voltage power lines that no one (including the show’s artists) had noticed before and would likely never notice again. She tried using them to electrocute a ninja, but the cyborg pushed its ally out of the way and sucked all the power out of the cables, recharging its power supply.

---

Scotty burst into the library. “Twilight! Come quickly!” she gasped as she grabbed the unicorn and pulled her outside. Twilight Novel beheld the destruction before her. “Do something!” her roommate urged.

Twilight Novel thought for a moment, and then thought back to her video game. This gave her an idea. With a burst of magic, she pulled the equipment carried by the video game’s character out of the screen and into reality and her waiting hooves.

“…Tell me that’s not the BFG 9000 from Doom 12,” Scotty whimpered.

“SAY HELLO TO MAH LITTLE FRIEND!” Twilight screamed as she unleashed the power of the weapon on the unsuspecting ninjas, who were completely obliterated by the blasts. Fortunately, she had used her magic to turn off the friendly fire setting, so no ponies or their pets were affected. Blowing the smoke off the end of the barrel, she finished by stating an applicable catchphrase.

The ponies of Pokeyville gathered in the town square as Twilight Novel approached Mary Sue. “So much for banishing the elephant ninjas,” she mocked. She picked up a bucket of water with her magic and dumped it on the alicorn. Her black and red colors washed away, revealing a blue coat and a pale blue mane. The pony’s butt tattoo was a magic wand. She didn’t look too much different from her canon counterpart. “I knew it! You’re a fake!” Twilight declared. “I knew Trollestia wouldn’t talk nice about me. Your ‘wings’ haven’t moved at all since you showed up; they’re made of felt and PVC pipe. I bet you never even went to the unicorn academy!”

“Okay, it’s all true! I’m a fake!” the “alicorn” admitted in tears. “Um, except for that last part. I really did graduate from Trollestia’s School for Super Unicorns!” The purple unicorn glared at her. “…with the lowest passing grade,” the blue pony added reluctantly. Sadly, she trotted out of town.

Twilight turned to the colts. “Now that that’s taken care of, it’s time to make sure these two learn their lesson,” she stated. “Since it’s your fault the elephant ninjas showed up, you two get to help clean up all the damage,” she said as she motioned to the destroyed buildings.

“But most of it you caused!” Sticks protested.

“You turned off friendly fire, but not terrain damage,” Stones added.

“And for talking back to your elders, I think you two need a taste of something special,” Scotty interjected, winking at Twilight. With a nod and a smile, Twilight charged up her horn. The area lit up in a flash.

Sticks and Stones looked down at themselves and squealed in embarrassment. It was the adorable dress spell Twilight had been practicing at the start of the episode. “Now you two have to wear these as you work!” Twilight declared.

Today’s Moral: No one likes Mary Sues, be they real or fake.

The horned pony shook off the water as she sent the message to her teacher. A bath had been just what she needed to loosen up her stiff joints. She heard her phone beep as she received a reply.

A great lesson to have learned, my student. You can come home, now, Mary.

Your teacher,
Princess Trollestia

Mary Sue smiled, and, flexing her wings, she took off into the night sky towards the gleaming capital in the distance.

Comments

[Chaotic Discord]

Well then. That was pretty awesome.