Friendship is Overrated

by Jphyper

Episode 9: Badger Gassing

Author's Notes: This was a fun one to write, especially the self-depreciating jokes against my own nationalty. If you, too, are American like me, and you are insulted... good! Let the jimmies rustle through you...

I still need Cantaloupe Comic-Con costume ideas, too.

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“Weather sure is nice today,” Twilight Novel observed.

“It’s too bright,” Scotty groaned.

“Even I feel like being outside. I bet all of Pokeyville feels this way,” the unicorn continued. Suddenly, the pair stopped. Everything was quiet. Not a soul could be seen. Well, there was one soul: a ghost that had randomly appeared out of nowhere just to contradict my narration. Every door was locked, every window barred. The whole place seemed deserted.

“You were saying?” the other pony sneered.

Ignoring her friend’s attitude, Twilight Novel wondered, “Where is everyone?”

“Maybe they all got tired of you and went on vacation,” Scotty suggested.

“No, that was last week,” Twilight pointed out. “This is different.”

“Maybe your offensive stench drove them away,” the background pony said.

“I took a shower last night before bed,” Twilight countered with a bit of irritation in her voice. She was beginning to tire of the bad mood her friend had woken up in.

“Is it… zombies?” Scotty asked, the irritation in her voice replaced by sudden panic.

“Ah, that’s it. You were up all night playing Call of Duty again, weren’t you? No wonder you’re so cranky,” Twilight said.

“I wasn’t up ALL night…” the other mare grumbled.

Suddenly, a nearby voice whispered loudly, “Twilight! Scotty! Get in here! Quickly, before she eats you!”

Looking around, the two mares noticed the door to Corn Syrup Corner was ajar, and Pukie Pie was beckoning with her hoof. Without wasting a moment, the two bounded through the door, which was locked tightly behind them. Once they were safely inside, Scotty asked quickly, “Who’s going to eat us? The zombie pony?”

“Oh, so you were up playing Call of Duty all night, too, huh?” Pukie prodded.

“It wasn’t all night,” the mare grumbled once again.

Looking around, Twilight Novel noticed the other main characters were assembled there as well. Well, mostly assembled. Brainbow Bash still had a few pieces left to attach. “What are you all doing here?” Twilight asked.

“We’re hidin’ from her!” Apple Peel said as she pointed out a window. Right outside in the town square stood a strange hooded figure who was pawing at the ground mysteriously. As the figure turned to look at them, the ponies hid as quickly as possible. Twilight Novel simply rolled her eyes.

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 9: Badger Gassing

“Who is that?” Twilight asked.

“It’s Zigawig!” a voice answered. Looking down, the purple unicorn noticed the voice came from Apple Peel’s little sister, Ayefone.

“Ah told you never ta say that name!” Apple Peel scolded.

“Is she a zombie?” Scotty asked.

“No, but she is evil,” Pukie Pie replied.

“She’s just a zebra. Why are you all flipping out?” Twilight demanded.

The room filled up with a gasp. “That’s even worse!” Rhapsidy swooned.

“Ah bet she wants me t’ pay her fer what mah family did t’ hers back on the plantations,” the apple mare said.

“Wait a second… you’re all a bunch of racists, aren’t you?” the purple unicorn realized. “There’s nothing wrong with being another species. And slavery ended 800 years ago. The last legal settlement was 500 years ago. It’s ancient history.” The other ponies just stared at her, surprised at her knowledge. “I read a dramatisation of that last settlement,” she clarified. The other ponies gasped in shock. “Oh, what now?”

“That’s not how the author spells ‘dramatization’,” Brainbow Bash replied.

“What do you mean? It’s perfectly correct,” Twilight scoffed. “I didn’t realise you ponies were so particular about this sort of thing.”

“See, there you go again with ‘realize’,” Rhapsidy pointed out. “The author is American. That means we’re all supposed to use American spelling.”

“It’s not my fault Americans don’t know how to spell,” Twilight scoffed. Hey now, that’s getting a little insulting.

“Oh, now who’s bein’ racist?” Apple Peel protested.

“I think Twilight has every right to spell however she wants,” F**kershy spoke up. “Besides, Americans aren’t a race, as they are so fond of pointing out.”

“The author decides what happens in here!” Brainbow Bash yelled softly.

“Oh, this must be that American superiority I keep hearing about,” F**kershy countered.

Twilight, F**kershy, I swear, if you two do not stop insulting my nationality, I will…

“You’ll do what? Kill us off? Write us out of the story? You can’t do that; you need us!” Twilight Novel scoffed.

Of course not. I would never do that to you. Twilight smirked at this. No, I have something much worse in store for you two: I’m going to ship you.

“You wouldn’t!” the unicorn gasped.

“I say we call his bluff,” the yellow pegasus suggested, “He hates shipping and knows nothing about romance.”

Twilight turned to her friend and was about to agree, but she stopped as a realization hit her. She had never noticed just how beautiful her friend was. Her full lips, her luscious curves, and her deep, beautiful eyes… As she gazed into those sparkling azure orbs, she could see that the newfound feelings she had for her were mutual. Slowly, the two nuzzled each other, wrapping themselves into a warm embrace. Slowly, they inched their snouts closer, their lips quivering in anticipation of their first-

“OKAY! OKAY! WE’LL BEHAVE!” Twilight Novel screamed.

“Just make it stop!” concurred her would-be partner. That’s better.

As Pukie Pie started singing to ease the tension, no one noticed little Ayefone sneak out the back door to meet this zebra for herself.

---

Outside, Ayefone was stealthily stalking the mysterious zebra. She was able to do this because she had the proper equipment: a black sweater and night vision goggles, both of which she had “borrowed” from some seemingly random magenta-maned orange pegasus filly. She managed to remain undetected as they entered the Forest of Doom. Unfortunately, at that point, her loudmouthed sister showed up and blew her cover.

“Ayefone, get back here!”

“Hey, watch out! You’re standing in a prankstermint patch! Those are highly poisonous!” the zebra warned in a near-panicked state

“You quit spoutin’ yer curses! You don’t scare us!” Apple Peel yelled.

“Seriously, they’re very dangerous. I know from experience,” she reiterated.

“Your witchcraft won’t work on us!” Rhapsidy shouted. The others yelled their assent as well.

“You know what? Screw you guys; I’m leaving. It’s not my fault you’re too stupid to listen…” Zigawig huffed as she trotted away.

“Yeah, you better run!” Pukie yelled as the seven ponies started off in the other direction toward home.

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That night, Twilight Novel had a very strange dream. The entirely of Etceteria was covered in a vast flowing sea of violet slime with hundreds of amorphous faces. A strange pony bearing a strong resemblance to F**kershy stood on a mountaintop, giddy as a schoolfilly at the sight, while a Rhapsidy look-alike bounced up and down beside her in a manner similar to Pukie Pie.

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The violet mare groaned as she rolled out of bed to face the day. She thought back to her dream for a while as she brushed her hair. When she regained her focus, however, she noticed something was wrong. Very wrong indeed…

She rushed downstairs and pulled out every reference guide in the library, trying to find a treatment for her bizarre condition. Hearing the commotion, Butterscotch Syrup walked in and offered to help.

“No! I can do this just fine on my own,” Twilight protested. However, in doing so, she had turned to face the other pony, revealing the nature of her predicament.

Her horn was shaped like one of the toys F**kershy used during her rare nights alone. Needless to say, Scotty was rolling on the floor laughing her flank off. “One of these days, I’m going to find a spell to give you a horn so you can know how this feels,” the purple unicorn growled.

Before Scotty could reply, the door burst open, revealing Brainbow Bash. Her wings were stretched out so far, it looked like it hurt. She bashfully slipped inside, closing the door behind her. With a sigh of relief, she looked up to see Twilight Novel. Her eyes grew as big as saucers and she started drooling a little when she saw the new shape of her friend’s horn. She immediately closed her eyes and turned around, muttering “Don’t look at it. Don’t look at it,” repeatedly to herself.

The door opened again, this time with a slam. Pukie Pie tried to yell something, but nothing came out. Her tongue was numb and her vocal cords had disappeared. And there was much rejoicing.

Rhapsidy came in next, looking around nervously. “What’s wrong with you?” Twilight asked.

“I’m naked,” she whispered. The other ponies rolled their eyes. “I was supposed to work today, but every time I touch a piece of clothing, it turns orange! That’s against the dress code, and it clashes with my hair colors to boot. I feel naked without my uniform on a work day!”

“I don’t remember you wearing one when I met you,” Twilight pointed out.

“Casual Friday,” the white mare replied.

Apple Peel, Ayefone, and F**kershy trotted in next. Apple Peel had been turned into a little filly the same age as her sister.

After everyone had finished laughing at Apple Peel’s plight, they turned to laugh at F**kershy’s plot. Her backside was completely featureless; it looked exactly like the canon ponies’ posteriors. “How do they go to the bathroom without any holes?” she asked, which only elicited more laughter from the others.

Scotty couldn’t help coming up with new names for them. “Okay, we’ve got Nudity, BrainBoner Bash, Mutie Pie, Appletini, Blankershy, and Twilight D-”

“Don’t you dare finish that,” the purple unicorn warned with a death glare. Sheepishly, her roommate backed down.

“I say we go confront that kooky zebra and make her change us back!” Apple Peel exclaimed, a sentiment that all her friends agreed with.

---

They ran through the forest, carefully tracking the zebra’s movements (and by “tracking”, I mean “looking up her address on Goggle Maps and using a GPS to point the way there”). About halfway there, Ayefone “accidentally” knocked her sister off a ledge. As she screamed and fell, Brainbow Bash leaped into action. She swooped down, caught the filly in her forelegs, and glided safely to the ground.

“Thanks, Brainbow Bash,” she sighed. “Um, you can put me down now.”

It was then that she noticed the leery look the pegasus was giving her. Glancing at her stiffened wings, she was reminded of what Brainbow’s curse was. All she could think to say was, “…Um… Ah think ah need an adult.”

“I am an adult,” the pegasus countered with a grin.

---

Several minutes later, they had all met up together again near Zigawig’s hut. Brainbow Bash, notably, sported a pair of small horseshoe-shaped bruises on her forehead. “Where’s mah sister?” Apple Peel asked.

“She ran off ahead of us. We couldn’t catch her, sorry,” Rhapsidy replied. Before they could dwell on that, they heard movement nearby. Hiding within a bush, they peered into the hut through a window.

Zigawig trotted out of her pantry with a jar of spices, which she sprinkled into a pot of soup, humming a small tune as she did so. Pukie Pie was outraged at this, but because she was now mute, nopony noticed.

“Now, where is Ayefone with that cinnamon?” Zigawig wondered.

“She’s gonna sacrifice mah sister in one o’ her blood rituals! Stop her!” Apple Peel shouted.

Without another word, Brainbow Bash forced open the front door and charged inside. Her stiff wings brushed the shelves, knocking everything over and causing a huge mess. “Easy, BrainBoner Bash!” the little orange filly warned. By this time, the others had arrived through the front door.

“We’re here to stop your evil ritual, Zigagwig!” Rhapsidy declared.

At that moment, Ayefone casually trotted in with a bag in her mouth. “Okay, ah got the rest of the groceries for ya!” she declared.

“Thank you, little one. You make an excellent assistant,” the zebra complimented.

“She ain’t gonna sacrifice her, she’s turnin’ mah sister to the dark side! Ayefone, you gotta fight it! Think of the good times!” Apple Peel cried.

“What good times?” the yellow filly asked. Then, realizing what was going on, she decided to let it go and explain things. “She ain’t doin’ anything evil! Zigawing was makin’ a cure fer those magic poison plants y’all were walkin’ in yesterday.”

“Is that what this is?” Twilight asked, sniffing the soup.

“Nah, that’s just my dinner,” the zebra replied. Then, holding up a jar of powder, she added, “This is the real cure. Just put this in some bathwater and soak yourselves for a few minutes.”

“Great!” Twilight exclaimed, “Just give us some and we can- Brainbow, stop staring at my horn! Ahem, just give us all a bottle and we can go home and forget this ever happened.”

“Ah, you see, the thing is… I only had enough ingredients to make one bath’s worth of the stuff,” Zigawig said awkwardly, “so you’re all going to have to share the same bath.” There were groans all around.

“The only public bath in Pokeyville is at the spa. It’s gonna be expensive,” Brainbow bash moaned. She then zoned out as she started drooling at the mental picture of the ponies who ran the spa.

---

About an hour later, the seven ponies and one zebra arrived at the Pokeyville Spa. They even managed to get a free session. Well, free for them, thanks to Twilight Novel’s knowledge of the Royal Credit Card’s number. The spa owners poured the substance into the bath and all the ponies hopped in. They immediately felt themselves returning to normal.

“Sorry fer bein’ so suspectin’ of ya,” Apple Peel apologized. “Ah was afraid y’all would want compensation fer misdeeds our ancestors did or somethin’.”

“Don’t worry; our families settled that years ago,” Zigawig replied.

“Actually, I’ve been looking into that,” Brainbow Bash spoke up. “It seems the Apple family has only made three payments over the years. Figuring in late fees, penalties, interest, and the changing value of the bit over the centuries, your family owes hers this much.” she said as she gave Apple Peel a bill.

The two read the bill over. Upon seeing the number, Apple Peel fainted and Zigawig rubbed her hooves together greedily.

Today’s Moral: Always pay up what you owe, or rainbow-maned pegasus lawyers will go after your descendants.