Friendship is Overrated

by Jphyper

Episode 12: Troll of the Tootie

Down at Pokeyville Elementary School, the class could be heard chatting it up with each other. The bell rang, and the teacher strolled in. She was a plum-colored pony who looked like she had been trying very hard to maintain her figure. That’s not easy to do after who-knows-how-many illegitimate offspring she may have had… but that’s not really relevant right now. Her mane was striped in the school colors, pink and white, and her butt tattoo depicted a set of yellow pom-poms.

“Okay class, settle down,” she instructed. The students continued to converse. “I said shut up,” she reiterated. Still, the room was filled with chatter. “QUIET!” she yelled. Finally, the foals stopped talking and paid attention.

“Thank you. Now, today’s lesson is about butt tattoos,” she began. A silver-colored pony in the corner moaned, having gone over this lesson before. Ignoring her, the teacher turned on the projector. The board was filled with the image of the teacher as an infant. She continued, “I, like all ponies, was born with a blank backside, as you can see here.”

“Aww, she’ so precious…”

“Shut up, Twit. Anyway, when I was your age, this thing appeared on my flank,” she said as she moved forward to the next slide. The class screamed in disgust as the baby photo was replaced by… a rather explicit one of the teacher during her promiscuous teen years. “Oh, you’re going to have to learn about that kind of stuff eventually,” the teacher scoffed. “Besides, this was the only photo I could get of back then that showed my mark. The rest showed mostly my… never mind. Can anyone tell me what makes a magic tattoo appear?”

“Ooh! Ooh! Miss Cheerleeder! Pick me! I know!” the tan filly in front said with her hoof in the air.

“Can anyone besides Twit tell me what makes a butt tattoo appear?” she asked. Looking around, no one else had their hoof raised. “A butt tattoo appears to mark you with the one thing that you are even moderately competent at doing. So, for example, if you were to get a pile of manure for a butt tattoo, the only things you’d be good for would be cleaning up after pigs, emptying outhouses, or running for public office.”

A yellow filly sitting right behind Twit was eagerly taking notes, until a scrunched-up ball of paper hit her in the back of the head. Looking behind her, she saw a familiar pink pony giggling mischievously. She picked it up and was about to throw it back, until the teacher caught her. “Throwing paper, are we, Ayefone?”

“She threw it at me!” the little filly argued.

“And why would she do that?” Cheerleeder asked.

“I was sharing my notes with her!” the little filly lied. “You know how important it is to help others in their education.”

“Ah, good. Carry on, then,” the teacher said.

“But these aren’t notes! They’re blank!” Ayefone protested.

“Sound familiar?” the pink filly jeered, drawing attention to the yellow filly’s unadorned bottom.

Friendship is Overrated

Episode 12: Troll of the Tootie

The school bell rang, followed by a long line of students heading home. Among them were two fillies. The one with glasses, Twit, noticed her friend’s sour mood and decided to cheer her up. “Hey, want thome candy? I made it mythelf,” she offered.

“Ugh, no. You’re a worse cook than my sister!” Ayefone gagged. A truly frightening thought if ever there was one.

As if on cue, another pair of fillies approached. “Can you believe we had to sit through another butt tattoo lesson? Everypony has one already,” the pink one, known as Crown Thingy, scoffed.

“What about that farm girl and Worst Pony?” her friend, the gray Silver Spork, asked.

“Everypony in class,” Thingy reiterated, inciting a depressed frown from the aforementioned tattoo-less fillies.

“See you at Crown Thingy’s Butt Tattoo Bash!” Spork called back to the duo.

“You and everypony else who thinks they matter,” Thingy added.

---

“It’s not fair! It’s just not fair,” Ayefone groaned.

“Uh huh,” Apple Peel replied, not really listening. She was too busy setting up explosives on the apple trees so she wouldn’t have to shake the apples out herself.

“I want my butt tattoo now!” she continued. “I can’t go to Crown Thingy’s Butt Tattoo Bash without it, or I’ll be a laughingstock!”

“Hey, I got my tattoo last in my class, and…” Apple Peel began, but stopped to reconsider. “Okay, so I am a laughingstock. Come to think of it, though, Ma, Pa, Granny Smith, Grandpa Wesson, and Big Windows were all last in their classes as well.”

“But our parents and grandparents were homeschooled…” the younger filly pointed out.

“Hush, you,” the older mare shushed. She pressed the button on her detonator, setting off the explosives. A large mushroom cloud could be seen all the way from the opposite end of town. Moments later, it started raining leaves, wood splinters, and applesauce over the entire village.

---

“Apple Peel, ah may not be an expert, but ah’m pretty sure ya ain’t supposed to sell apples by throwin’ them at everypony who passes by,” Ayefone said worriedly.

“Yer durn right you ain’t an expert. I’ve been doin’ this a lot longer than you have,” Apple Peel replied.

“Exactly! You’ve had more time to screw things up!” the little filly countered.

Then along came Doc Brown, so-called because of his coat color. “Hey! Want some apples?!” Apple Peel asked, getting right up into his face. Yelling in surprise, he jumped into a silver car and drove off at 88 mph (141.622 km/h). The car vanished in a flash of white light, leaving two trails of flames on the ground where the wheels would have gone over. “Well, that was an unexpected reference,” the mare observed.

As the older mare turned to harass Bun Bun with another sales pitch, Ayefone decided to slip away undetected.

---

“Dangit, Twit! You really dropped the ball on this one. I ask you to do one thing –to keep your butt blank for one more measly little day– and I can’t even rely on you to do that!” Ayefone ranted as she glared at the trollface that adorned the other filly’s bottom. Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long for it to appear. But then, considering her intelligence, perhaps it isn’t so surprising after all.

---

As Ayefone sat glumly in the park, a familiar blue pegasus spotted her and swooped down to investigate. “What’s wrong?” Brainbow Bash asked.

“Ah need to get my Butt Tattoo before Crown Thingie’s Butt Tattoo Bash this evening, but Apple Peel and Twit are too stupid ta help!” Ayefone groaned.

“I could help,” Brainbow offered.

“No way! You’ll just hook me up with some boring, overly-complicated stuff. Ah might as well ask Pukie Pie. In fact, Ah think Ah will,” she stated as she trotted off towards Corn Syrup Corner. Brainbow Bash sulked away in the opposite direction, grumbling about the author’s laziness, as he didn’t want to write her scene.

---

Ayefone trotted in through the back door of Corn Syrup Corner. There, she found Pukie Pie busy cooking. “Hey, Pukie!” she greeted. “You got any ideas on how I can get my butt tattoo?”

“Hmm… Maybe you can help me make my patties,” she suggested.

“You want me to try cooking?” the filly asked.

“Sure,” Pukie replied. “What could possibly go wrong?”

---

An hour and a half later, Ayefone limped out of the emergency room. The doctor told her to take it easy for a few days, but she didn’t have time for that! She needed to get her butt tattoo pronto!

Slowly, she hobbled back over to Corn Syrup Corner, which had miraculously been cleared of smoke, ash, rose quartz, and mosquito netting. Don’t ask. She stumbled through the door, and was halfway to the kitchen before she realized the Butt Tattoo Bash was in full swing, and she was right in the middle of it.

“SON OF A-” The tirade of cursing that followed has been cut out as a courtesy to those who can’t stand strong language. Like me.

Unfortunately, the tirade drew the attention of Crown Thingy and Silver Spork. Seeing them approach, Ayefone looked around quickly. Spotting the cake, she removed a bit of icing and drew a smiley face on each side of her flank. “Hey there. Nice party, huh?” she nervously greeted.

“Well if it isn’t the farm girl and her featureless flank,” Crown Thingy sneered.

“Ah do have a butt tattoo! See?” Ayefone protested, showing them her smiley faces. “Ah just got it this afternoon.”

Just then, Stones walked up and licked the frosting off. “Mmm… chocolate…”

The three fillies stared blankly at the idiot, who clearly had no idea how messed up his action was. Finally, Silver Spork spoke up. “Ayefone, I think you need an adult…” The farm pony nodded.

Snapping out of the shock, Crown Thingy started to chuckle. “Well, look who’s lying! I bet you don’t even have a special talent!”

“And why do you care?” a voice called out. The room was silent as a pair of fillies came out of the closet. No, not like that. I mean they literally opened the door of the broom closet they were hiding in and stepped out of it. Dang ScootaBelle shippers…

“Why do you care whether she has one or not?” the orange pegasus repeated. “When her tattoo appears is her business, not yours. This episode is supposed to teach kids to stand up to bullies, and it’s high time I did that.”

“Uh, yeah! What she said!” a filthy white unicorn concurred. No, I’m not being racist; she really needed a bath. Stop taking the narration out of context!

“I don’t think they’re taking the narration out of context,” the pegasus said. Oh… Well, then, let’s move on.

“And who do you think you are?” Crown Thingy sneered.

The two new ponies turned, revealing their featureless flanks. “Wow, your butt tattoos are the exact same colors as your coats!” Ayefone exclaimed.

“Sure! That’s the excuse we use,” the pegasus said.

---

Moments later, the three friends were gathered at a table. “Ah’m Ayefone!” the earth pony greeted. “Who’re you?”

“Ah’m- (ahem) I’m Stinky Ball,” the unicorn said.

“And I’m Chicken,” the pegasus added.

“You know, since our tattoos match our coats, maybe we could work together to find out what our real butt tattoos are,” Ayefone suggested.

“Like a club?” Stinky Ball asked.

“Exactly! But we need a name…” Ayefone started to ponder.

“Hmm… Tattoo Buddies?” Stinky Ball suggested.

“Talent Scouts?” Chicken suggested.

“Ah’ve got it! We could be the Tattoo Investigation Team Specialists!” Ayefone cried.

“Ooh, I like that!” Stinky Ball gasped.

“Me too!” Chicken chimed in. “…Wait, doesn’t the acronym spell-”

Today’s Moral: All children have brain damage.

Author's Note:

The moral is a quote from one of Bill Cosby's old stand-up comedy routines.

I just realized something. This entire episode is essentially about a child's bare bottom. If the characters were humanized, that would've led to some problems.