Hello, I'm 007. I'm a brony (obviously) from the USA. I'm 20 and I enjoy Music, Video Games and Nightclubs. And I'm the #1 Sunset Shimmer fan. As well as the #1 Equestria Girls fan!
One day on the Canterlot Kindergarten playground, a young colt who is well-known as the school bully decides to pick on one particular innocent filly. When the bullying goes too far he learns just how hurtful he has been...How will this lesson affect him?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Oh gods, so bad. The character development is bad even for the majority of FIMfic stories, which is saying quite a loy
Holy crap the heel spin on this kid
Awful grammar, no character development, cut-off explinations, but I liked it. If you edit it, make it longer, other stuff like that, I bet you could get featured.
You want a PSA?
There. I just saved you an ass load of your valuable time.
One thousand word complete story? Hm...
Eh...should've had the Mane 6 IMO.
Overall, i didn't hate the story. It was okay. Some criticism:
Grammar could be better, though i've seen much worse.
The characters were flat, they didn't become relate-able at all. To put it bluntly, they were boring.
There didn't seem to be any plot points (exposition, climax, falling action etc.)
It was way too short.
Things were extremely rushed.
(Not 100% sure about this one) I think you switched tenses of words partway through your story (im too lazy to check right now)
Your ending. That was the worst ending i've ever read. There seemed like there was nothing to it. It needs more emotion, more... everything.
You need more details.
1253300 Your spelling error is too funny to correct.
That being said, I'd have to agree with Wyvern. You can't really make us feel for characters we barely know in roughly 1k amount of words (excluding me lol. Just kidding)
1254052
Thank you, I did not see that
From the comments, it seems like you have quite a poor fic here, however, after reading said fic, I don't see what all the fuss (
) is about; sure, there are some small grammatical mistakes, but nothing worth crying about. The characters aren't that bad, saying that you've been on FiMFiction what...fourteen hours? I tend to really play the character out and think about what they would do and how they would react in every situation. I agree that, the ending was (or seemed to be) rather rushed and was not at all what I had expected- I knew that this was a short fic, but it really felt that you could do a lot more story to make this a big hitter, I got the minor nudge of a relationship brewing between the two ponies here, maybe that could be more material for extra chapters? On the flip side of things, I think that there is some great talent in you, just you need to get the diamonds from the dirt.
Keep writing stong bro,
RF
1254154
This was a bad story - accepting that will be the only way the author gets better.
The characters were completely flat, and rushed. 1006 words does not make for a good complete story.
1254182
It wasn't perfect, in fact, this story was far from it, I agree, however, is giving criticism with no remedy helpful to anypony? I mean, you've got nearly 7000 story views, surely you have plenty of experience to share? You must be getting something right!
Accepting that it was bad is one thing to make yourself (not better) but prevent you from getting worse. Getting small sections of help, encouragement and guidance from better authors is the real way to improve. NLL I hope
This story is a good piece of work but it is very fast paced and the bully changes very quickly, it might have been better if you could've fleshed this out more and perhaps given the colt more of a reason for wanting to change other than just out of the blue feeling guilty.
cute
I don't see what is so bad about this story, Sure it was short and there were some errors, but it wasn't all that bad. The only thing I could say is the character development could use a bit of work, but it was a good short story.
I'll watch your account, I think I could see some good stories from you in the future.
1253514 Lol, not overly valuable if people are spending it on Fimfiction.net instead of being productive, is it? Not saying I don't enjoy Fimfiction. But it's really just a time waster more than anything.
The little filly should've gone to Cassandra. Two words: flesh-eating locusts.
This was a nice story. I enjoyed leading it.
Senpai notice me feels