• Member Since 13th Mar, 2018
  • offline last seen 19 minutes ago

Edguy0009


E

Bionicle Crossover.

When Luna's banished, The Lord and Master of Shadows shall watch over her during and after.



Inspired by Nightmare Heir and other stories, updates times and chapter lengths may vary with occasional flashbacks.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 8 )

It’s a brilliant idea, however I think it might be just a little rushed and there were a few spots which confused me.

For example, in just the spot when Celestia cleanses Twilight of Dark Magic:

Firstly, the fact that Celestia didn't seem to feel any strain after taking away, like, two thirds of what makes an alicorn an alicorn, and also taking in the fact that alicorns are meant to have some natural resistance and are meant to be stronger than just the average pony, meaning that nopony can just walk up and steal magic that easily, it seems a bit unbelievable.

Secondly, you said that taking away the pegasi and earth pony magic was a unfortunate result of brushing away the dark magic. I understand that it provides an explanation as to why Twilight is a unicorn, but it seems a little unnecessary, since there was no reason why she couldn’t use the elements as an alicorn, especially because she did not use the canon method of cleansing her Mother of Nightmare Moon.

Whilst we’re on the subject of taking away Twilight’s magic, I also do not understand how cleansing dark magic would have those side effects. Again, I know it provides an explanation, but the only way that it would make sense in the wider view would be that if her pegasus and earth pony magic were made of Dark Magic - something I find quite unlikely.

I’m genuinely sorry if this came off as confrontational, I didn’t mean for it to be like that - I have quite a few issues with my own writing as well, after all! As I said before, I think it's a wonderfully original idea and can definitely be expanded upon with effort, and I just wanted to get you thinking. Poking holes at your own writing always makes you realize plot holes so that you can fix them better!

I’ll keep this on tracking though, definitely excited to see where you go with it. Consider me your first upvote!
~Meowofy

(Gonna stop typing on my phone screen - fingers hurt)

10589198
Thanks for the feedback, I edited the first chapter to explain why, and don't worry they'll get longer

10589198
And the pacing will slow down depending on the chapter.

The grammar is a bit stuttery and the pacing seems to be a little fast as well. Also I have zero knowledge of bionicles so I'm completely lost on that front. And to bring to light a possible plot hole how did the characters meet exactly? You may want to consider explaining that in the story a bit. Just a thought.
I've read other stories where twilight is Luna's daughter but this seems to be a good addition to that particular brand of ideas. Looking forward to seeing where this goes.

10654142
Okay, I plan on doing that in flashback chapters, and things will slow down.

10654142
An alternative is to read Kratus' Logs.

10654801
Yep, and it's completed.

Thanks for the watch BTW.

Login or register to comment