The_Discorded_Raven
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Well, right off the bat your usage of commas is bad. It's clear you're trying out a stylistic approach to your prose, but I'd recommend learning the basics before trying out anything fancy. Other than that, there's grammar issues here and there, some of the spelling is off every once in a while, but it's not all that terrible.
Your pacing is kinda rushed, too. It's clear you wanted to get to the part where he's been imprisoned ASAP, and your description is lacking because of it. There's very little characterization as well, other than the obvious dislike for slavery, which is is just assumed in an HiE story with a modern protagonist.
Also your dialogue is very confusing. Slapping it in the middle of a paragraph with few and vague dialogue tags makes it very hard to follow the flow of conversation. I'd suggest reading up on dialogue formatting and such.
Here's a useful link for the dialogue aspects.
Here's a link for the commas.
10457630
Thank you for the feedback, I will take what you said into consideration as the story moves forward. I will look into rewriting the prologue to see what I can do different, but to be honest I have no idea where this story will go. I'm just writing as I go, and thank you again.
We well be waching your progress with great intresst
10457988
Thank you, I'll be changing the prologue a bit, to fix some issues.
Well this is interesting.
Don't you mean enslaved?
Damn, this man is going to snap soon.
10475851
I'll re-read that be and see, thanks for the suggestion
Are those real words?
10493555
Yes they are. They are all words in Latin.
Aer is air, Aqua is water, Ignis is fire, terra is eath.
Ordo, Perditio and Telum have tree meanings each.
Ordo is order, regularity, and purity.
Perditio is entropy, chaos, and destruction
Telum is weapon, attack, and harm
But that is what I know them as, if anyone knows a good site for Latin words and there meanings, then that would be most appreciated.
10494224
I think I heard some of them before.
More pls
Did that come from the light?
WTF?
What does that mean?
10503311
The soot on his hand was from him practicing fire spells the night previous.
Nala hit him for being a idiot.
His form of magic is formed from imagination.
10503338
Ohh, I thought her slapping him was a new way of saying thank you.
Also, is that what he meant by “intention”?
10503386
Ya, so he just needs to think what he wants the spell to do then way the word.
So he doesn't need to remember loads of spells.
'Intention'
Noun:
a thing intended; an aim or plan.
10503405
Ohh
Wait, what did he do?
I thought since he freed them he’s not the alpha.
10524681
With the first one: Luna have need in that void world for almost 1000 year with no contact from anyone,so she was startled by his presence. Then when he said about Nightmare Moon giving him his powers, that scared her even more thinking that he was working for Nightmare Moon.
With the second one: In the hierarchy of dogs, when an alpha is killed by another dog that dog then becomes the new Alpha. Sins Sam killed the Alpha, by they law he is now the new Alpha.
Does that make it clearer? Please if anybody does have any questions that they do not understand with the chapters. Please let me know and I will clarify.
Thank you all again for reading my story, and I hope that you like how the story is progressing.
10524715
I was talking about the spell he did.
Also, I thought since he freed them there was no hierarchy.
10524725
Oh, the spell 'anglis in transferendum' is Latin for 'translate into English'
He freed them from the last Alpha, who treated them like slaves. In the last chapter he said, "We are free if you want to stay you are more then welcome to, and you may leave whenever you like. I may be your Alpha, but I'm kind. Now let us celebrate our freedom!" So there is your answer to that one.
10525343
I thought he was only able to use Aer, Aqua, Ignis, Terra, Ordo, Perditio, and Telum.
10525356
That's the laten he know off by heart, and what Nightmare Moon gave him. Anything else he has to think back to when he was studying laten.
10525414
So he studied Latin?
10525450
That will come up in a future chapter.
10525612
So, Aer, Aqua, Ignis, Terra, Ordo, Perditio, and Telum were learned by Nightmare Moon, while everything else he does was from him studying Latin? Because, I thought he already knew those words.
10525626
He already knew, Aer, Aqua, Ignis, Terra, Ordo, Perditio, and Telum. Nightmare Moon gave him the power to use it, and jump started him mine to remember laten better.
10526057
Did he also already know the translation spell too or did Nightmare Moon show him that spell?
10526153
He knew that one, with some help from Nightmare Moon
10526427
So, Aer, Aqua, Ignis, Terra, Ordo, Perditio, and Telum. He already knew, while the translation spell he got from Nightmare Moon. And on top of that, she jump started his memory of the other Latin words he studied?
10526441
I'm sorry mate but with this being my first story, I don't even know where it's going, so some of the time you just need to use your imagination.
10527183
I guess I can try that.
Wait, so they aren’t on the surface?
Not a bad choice in clothing.
Isn’t there a healing spell?
Bubbles?
Where did he get the ruby from?
Like what?
So, he’s from from equestria and not earth?
Cartoonish?
Something tells me they’re not gonna have a lot of encounters with eachother.
Number 1: Diamond Dogs life under ground.
Number 2: thanks
Number 3: That it the same ruby that was used to kill the old alpha, so he kept it.
Number 3: you will see in the next chapter.
Number 4: he is from earth, Nightmare Moon said that his kind had not been seen for around 200 years.
Number 5: red cross with a cartoon look to it.
Number 6: he is still new to this land and doesn't trust anyone yet.
10589133
Thanks for answering some of my questions I guess, but you didn’t push the reply button. So, I didn’t see it until now.
Its a bit hard to read Applejack's sentence, not gonna lie
10590887
Is that any better, I've put it in the authors notes.
Ok, so this brings up a lot of questions. First off, has Davenport seen humans before? Because, doesn’t seem to be reacting like the others.The second is will his fight f*ck him over later in the future? Because, if enough ponies seen it, it could leave to either celestia getting involved or the citizens taking stuff into their own hands or hooves in this case.
10718018
To me, Davenport is more of a businessman, so he doesn't really care as long as you can make money. With the fight, yes.
10718024
Is he a businessman? Yes to which one? Because, I’ve thought about a lot ways that fight might f*ck him over.
10718064
The fight will have repercussions in the future.
10718090
Oh ok
Yeah update also good job 👍
When did this happen?
I remember you saying that the fight would f*ck him over, did you decide to change that?
11099234
1. In the last chapter he had a panic attack, and past out, so while he was out he was sent to the
dreamscape.
2. It will, I never said when it would happen.
11099289
Oh ok
You should make you synopsis look more like this. Please respond to this comment.
11556599
Thank for the recommendation, but tell me why it should be that way
I reread this story just yesterday, fully believing this story was abandoned after two years of inactivity. Imagine my surprise when I go to bed and check my phone to see that this story was just updated.
They probably already said it before me, but the prologue is very weak in terms of introduction. I'm serious.