- Member Since 8th Aug, 2018
- offline last seen Feb 23rd, 2022
waywardfallout
Grew up on SCP and MLP, what more is there to say?
waywardfallout
Joined 8th Aug, 2018 ·
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Oh my gosh this is awesome!!! This is going to my favorites!!!!! And thumbs up pal.
10466149
Thanks
10466153
No problem. Also thank you for entertaining me.
:\
THE CITY MUST
SURVIVE
Different topic, I know, but this was my first thought reading the description.
A MLP Frostpunk crossover? You have my attention
I sadly don't have the time to read the whole chapter right now, and I'm not sure when I'll get to reading the rest, but I still read through about one third of the chapter and thought to provide some feedback.
The part that I read so far was rather fast-paced. It was still bearable, but if you slowed down in some spots, I think it'd increase my enjoyment of the story quite a bit. Right now most of the story flows rather well, but there are spots where it just rambles--most of these rambly spots were also those rich in telling or exposition of unnecessary information (e.g. the info about sphinxes). However, what stood out to me the most was the amount of missing words, oddly placed punctuation, some rough wording, redundant capitalisation, and typos. These might seem like minor errors, but they really break my immersion in the story due to their sheer number. I can go through the story with a fine-toothed comb and point them out to you, if you wish. Or you can look for an editor elsewhere, but I highly suggest getting all these fixed. They are unnecessarily ruining a good story, which is a shame.
Also, about some other technical aspects: All these parentheses in brackets are generally frowned upon in stories (except for first-person epistolary narrative) as they sort of break the flow of the text. They can be simply removed or replaced by commas or em dashes--the result will be much more pleasant to look at, trust me. Another thing that should not appear in stories are numerals. Numerals are the symbols you use to write numbers, such as 0, 1, 42. However, the trouble with them is that they look different from normal letters, thus they subconsciously attract the reader's attention. And you surely don't want the audience to look at some numbers, but to pay full attention to the plot. That's why you should write numbers using words, not numerals. Exceptions to this rule are years (It happened in 1621.) and some codes and names (DJ Pon3).
Lastly, refrain from posting links to images in the text. It breaks any immersion in the story and disrupts its flow, the link may stop working or may be inaccessible to some (e.g. people reading offline), and mainly, it undermines you as a writer. You should be able to describe anything you need without the help of images. I personally find it just a little annoying, but it irks some people so much that they'll downvote you just because of that.
So, that's it, I'll hopefully get to reading the rest soon-ish. I'm curious to learn more about this crossover world of yours
So far so good, needs a bit better writing but this is somthing I look forward to
10466369
Thank you the criticism I will take what you said in to account.
10466532
You're welcome. Let me know if you want me to elaborate on something, provide some examples, or if you have some additional questions.
This seems interesting. I like that you seem to be approaching a computer game crossover in a character driven way. As someone who hasn't played Frostpunk, Twilight's perspective gives a nice visceral feeling to the grim city. Many writers try too hard to shoehorn in game mechanics or out-of-context game story and the result is uninteresting or nonsensical to people who don't know the source material.
10466369
Whilst I agree with most of this (What most stuck out to me was awkwardly placed punctuation), I feel like I need to argue the point on images.
Links are disruptive and a technical issue, sure. But sparsely used and well placed embedded images, whilst still a problem for offline readers, can provide a dramatic and immersive moment of in-character perspective for the reader. Saying "You should be able to use words for everything" is rather reductionist; they're fundimentally different art mediums with their own merits.
Of course the story should never rely on them, since there will always be people who can't see it for whatever reason.
10466643
I don’t plan on using images to describe things, with the Generator being the one exception because it’s The Generator.
10466643
Also thanks.
10466659
Ah, sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you were. Personally I felt that its usage and placement was fine (And importantly the prose reads well even if you skip over it), outside of technical concerns. Good, even, although that's likely more my preferences than objectivity.
I didn't read it yet, but I still want to post this one:
I'm kinda surprised no one else mentioned this yet.
Frost punk?
"THE CITY MUST SURVIVE"
"THE COURSE OF MONDAS MUST BE ALTERED"
"THE PROPULSION SYSTEM TAKES PRIORITY"
"A SACRIFICE MUST BE MADE"
Is it just a coincidence that this was started the day markiplier played the game? Or do you watch him too?
10471018
Not coincidence
Not the usual pony food, but I guess they choosers right now.
That surprises me greatly. I would expect Rainbow to be the first to venture into the frostland to save others.
If it makes you feel better Twi, there are worse foods than thin soup...
Like sawdust soup.
(In my games I had never choosen that law before, and I never will.)
I believe "crowded" is the better word. Also, who is the captain if it obviously isn't Twilight?
Edit: Is this "Captain Ellis" an OC of yours? Because I didn't find it elsewhere.
I would expect Celestia would be the first to notice this (maybe even years before everyone else) and start to make preparations.
But maybe she grew arrogant over her millenia of years.
Or there is more to it we don't know yet...
Interesting premise so far.
A numer of things are very different from what I would expect, but it's your story so it's okay.
I look forward to see where it goes.
10466659
I recommend to embedd the picture properly instead of posting the link.
Also, you should use this picture from here, the official Frostpunk Wiki.
10469488
Frostpunk.
Getting woken by a nuzzling pony is a good way to start the day.
I wonder what Scootaloos job is.
My guess would be engineering apprentice, but my predictions in this story had been quite bad so far...
There should probably be a comma, right?
I would suspect living with others while being cared for is better than staying alone at home all day.
Good chapter!
I enjoyed reading it.
Here and there are a few minor things which could have been written better, but nothing too serious (apart from the one thing I pointed out).
But if you can I suggest you look forn an proofreader.
To add another Frostpunk video:
Considering the city has guards I suspect the captain choose Order, right?
10470892
Glad to know I'm not the only one who immediately thought of this.
10470892
Glad to know I'm not the only one who immediately thought of this.
At the very least Sunset, you could describe what their technology could do to him. While you may not understand how it works, explaining what is possible could give Clockwork ideas to work on!
Also, if she came across to help with technology, why didn't she bring knowledge with her? Textbooks, scientific papers, etc?
Interesting theory to explain the Great Frost.
Nothing I would have expected, but as I asid before that happened quite often in this story so far. Which is actually a good thing.
Hopefully this city fared better than Winterhome in the game...
Edit: Since you put the actual Winterhome in the story that might not be the case.
I would expect mining TNT would be more important, but maybe they had other priorities.
Careful. Maybe you need the bridge later...
Nice chapter!
I enjoyed reading it.
But I really suggest you to stay consistent on how you name the chapters.
You have three different nomenclatures for three different chapter titles; kinda looks weird.
At last, consider looking for a proofreader. There are quite a few instences where the text is a bit rough around the edges.
10625932
Maybe Sunset wanted to personally evaluate the situation before looking for solutions, but then the portal kinda ruined those plans.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gp84VMazTRA
Just curious if this story is still active
11024871
Maybe not sure