Oh my gosh this is awesome!!! This is going to my favorites!!!!! And thumbs up pal.

10466149
Thanks

10466153
No problem. Also thank you for entertaining me.

:\

THE CITY MUST
SURVIVE

Different topic, I know, but this was my first thought reading the description.

A MLP Frostpunk crossover? You have my attention I sadly don't have the time to read the whole chapter right now, and I'm not sure when I'll get to reading the rest, but I still read through about one third of the chapter and thought to provide some feedback.

The part that I read so far was rather fast-paced. It was still bearable, but if you slowed down in some spots, I think it'd increase my enjoyment of the story quite a bit. Right now most of the story flows rather well, but there are spots where it just rambles--most of these rambly spots were also those rich in telling or exposition of unnecessary information (e.g. the info about sphinxes). However, what stood out to me the most was the amount of missing words, oddly placed punctuation, some rough wording, redundant capitalisation, and typos. These might seem like minor errors, but they really break my immersion in the story due to their sheer number. I can go through the story with a fine-toothed comb and point them out to you, if you wish. Or you can look for an editor elsewhere, but I highly suggest getting all these fixed. They are unnecessarily ruining a good story, which is a shame.

Also, about some other technical aspects: All these parentheses in brackets are generally frowned upon in stories (except for first-person epistolary narrative) as they sort of break the flow of the text. They can be simply removed or replaced by commas or em dashes--the result will be much more pleasant to look at, trust me. Another thing that should not appear in stories are numerals. Numerals are the symbols you use to write numbers, such as 0, 1, 42. However, the trouble with them is that they look different from normal letters, thus they subconsciously attract the reader's attention. And you surely don't want the audience to look at some numbers, but to pay full attention to the plot. That's why you should write numbers using words, not numerals. Exceptions to this rule are years (It happened in 1621.) and some codes and names (DJ Pon3).

Lastly, refrain from posting links to images in the text. It breaks any immersion in the story and disrupts its flow, the link may stop working or may be inaccessible to some (e.g. people reading offline), and mainly, it undermines you as a writer. You should be able to describe anything you need without the help of images. I personally find it just a little annoying, but it irks some people so much that they'll downvote you just because of that.

So, that's it, I'll hopefully get to reading the rest soon-ish. I'm curious to learn more about this crossover world of yours

So far so good, needs a bit better writing but this is somthing I look forward to

10466369
Thank you the criticism I will take what you said in to account.

10466532
You're welcome. Let me know if you want me to elaborate on something, provide some examples, or if you have some additional questions.

This seems interesting. I like that you seem to be approaching a computer game crossover in a character driven way. As someone who hasn't played Frostpunk, Twilight's perspective gives a nice visceral feeling to the grim city. Many writers try too hard to shoehorn in game mechanics or out-of-context game story and the result is uninteresting or nonsensical to people who don't know the source material.

10466369
Whilst I agree with most of this (What most stuck out to me was awkwardly placed punctuation), I feel like I need to argue the point on images.
Links are disruptive and a technical issue, sure. But sparsely used and well placed embedded images, whilst still a problem for offline readers, can provide a dramatic and immersive moment of in-character perspective for the reader. Saying "You should be able to use words for everything" is rather reductionist; they're fundimentally different art mediums with their own merits.

Of course the story should never rely on them, since there will always be people who can't see it for whatever reason.

10466643
I don’t plan on using images to describe things, with the Generator being the one exception because it’s The Generator.

10466643
Also thanks.

10466659
Ah, sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you were. Personally I felt that its usage and placement was fine (And importantly the prose reads well even if you skip over it), outside of technical concerns. Good, even, although that's likely more my preferences than objectivity.

I didn't read it yet, but I still want to post this one:

I'm kinda surprised no one else mentioned this yet.

Frost punk?

Next to the hot house was the hunters’ hut where a group of workers would go out and hunt for food.

Not the usual pony food, but I guess they choosers right now.

That's why she begged Dash not to volunteer to go out into the frostland and find resources, refugees and what not. It was very dangerous out in the frostland and they had learned that first hoof during their journey to the city. Thankfully she had managed to convince Dashie to be a courier in the city, running papers, messages and other special materials from work place to work place.

That surprises me greatly. I would expect Rainbow to be the first to venture into the frostland to save others.

that she hadn’t eaten much more than thin soup

If it makes you feel better Twi, there are worse foods than thin soup...
Like sawdust soup.
(In my games I had never choosen that law before, and I never will.)

“He said he wanted to get a drink without being mobbed.”

I believe "crowded" is the better word. Also, who is the captain if it obviously isn't Twilight?
Edit: Is this "Captain Ellis" an OC of yours? Because I didn't find it elsewhere.

What happened was I came to the same conclusion your country did, that the sun would become magic resistant. Such that no amount of magic could move it, and the sun would go back to its original position which is farther away from the planet.

I would expect Celestia would be the first to notice this (maybe even years before everyone else) and start to make preparations.
But maybe she grew arrogant over her millenia of years.
Or there is more to it we don't know yet...

Interesting premise so far.
A numer of things are very different from what I would expect, but it's your story so it's okay.
I look forward to see where it goes.

10466659
I recommend to embedd the picture properly instead of posting the link.
Also, you should use this picture from here, the official Frostpunk Wiki.

10469488
Frostpunk.