The Night We Lost Her

by Page Flipper

Madness

February 14th, 65 A.B.

To the historians of the future,

My name is Cyan Shimmer. I once served in the Royal Guard, sworn to protect Princesses Celestia and Luna with my life. It was dangerous work. There were griffon attacks, Tartarus breaches, assassination attempts, even a civil war. Despite the constant threat, I enjoyed the work. It was an honour to serve the Princesses.

After decades of service, I finally became the Captain of the Royal Guard. For a few years, I felt a sense of accomplishment in my life. However, those days are far behind me. I am now 93 years old and wasting away in a retirement home in Canterlot. But there is no point in finishing a tale so soon, so I shall start from the beginning.

When I was a young colt, I always wanted to be a Royal Guard. To this day, I'm still not sure what enticed me. Was it for the honour? Maybe for the respect? Perhaps it was for that pretty filly in my school. Unclear motivations aside, I joined once I was old enough. The training was very strenuous. I remember countless days of falling into my bed, exhausted, while the other beds soon filled with my fellow trainees. My training is not very interesting, though, so we shall skip ahead to something of more importance. I remember it as if it were no longer than a day ago...

The moon shone brightly in the sky that night, casting its light upon the road we were guarding. It was my first night as a lieutenant, and the first time I had command over my own small band of Royal Guards. I was nervous, of course, but I had been trained for years not to show emotion, so I stood there in silence with the others.

The road lead up around Mount Canterest to the city of Canterlot. We were based at the bottom of the mountain, in front of a small gate. Two stone towers stood on either side of the gate, each holding the relieving force for our watch. They were safe and comfy in their beds, sleeping away the effects of their last five-hour shift, while we were stuck out in the cold night air.

An icy wind sifted its way through my armour and rustled the blue fur of my coat, making me shiver slightly. I remembered my training and stopped at once. The other guards behind me made no noise nor showed any outward signs of emotion, but I could tell that they were looking at me in slight disappointment.

I felt as if they were questioning my leadership. If they had not been disciplined, and had I not been the only unicorn in our group, they most likely would have commented on my inability to keep myself from shivering. A unicorn working as a Royal Guard was quite rare; most unicorns became nobles or merchants; the earth ponies, with their extra strength, usually became farmers or warriors; and pegasi, with their speed, became soldiers and couriers. Still, magicians were invaluable due to their arcane healing skills. In fact, it was the reason I had gained my new rank.

I longed for something to do other than stand around guarding the road against a nonexistent threat. But we were there for hours. I soon lost count of the time we had been there, locked in our stance. The sword I wore on my back started to grow heavy, making my back ache. I was just about to tell our group to wake the other guards for their watch when in the distance, something out of the ordinary caught my eye.

I squinted and looked closer when I spotted a long, dark purple horn peeking above the small hill that lay in front of us. It was drawing steadily closer, and the round head and long, slender neck of our ruler, Princess Luna, followed it. I raised both of my eyebrows in surprise, momentarily forgetting my training. Our rulers did not often walk past this guard post on their own hooves. They usually had a flying carriage take them, or even just flew themselves.

The princess looked different, however. She was not wearing her crown, but instead a light purple helm. Her transparent mane was darker and longer and seemed to thrash around on its own, like it was a living creature itself. The rest of her body appeared above the hill, her normally midnight-blue coat looking as black as coal. Even the way she walked looked different. Her steps looked tense, her muscles rigid, as if ready and eager for combat. Such behaviour was unfamiliar to me, and made me wary.

I was about to tell my guards to ready their weapons, but I hesitated. After all, it was our Princess. If we lowered our weapons in front of her, we could find ourselves facing severe punishment, and I could never live with the shame. I did not want to appear frightened, so I stayed as I was, even though I was thoroughly bewildered. Little did I know that my hesitation was soon to be our downfall.

She smiled at us. It was not a friendly sort of smile, like the ones she usually gave us. It was evil, like the way a crocodile flashes its fangs at its prey. She stopped in front of us, and her horn began to glow. I gave in to my suspicions and started to reach for my sword when my body started to shimmer with a light purple sheen. I felt myself being thrust to the side, along with the rest of my unit. I landed heavily on the ground, feeling small rocks poke against my unprotected legs. I scrambled to my hooves and drew my sword, intending to rush forward and confront the Princess, but the sight in front of me stopped me in my tracks.

Princess Luna's mane started to slither towards the ground. It twisted around, coiling itself about and forming a shape just before it touched the dirt. My jaw dropped when I saw that the shadows of her mane had formed the shape of a pony. It was transparent, little more than a walking shadow, but it still managed to trot over to one of my stunned comrades on the ground and drive a ghostly sword through his chest. The guard yelled in pain, and the hissing sound of steel on bone met my ears as the shadow pony drew its sword out from the soldier, who now lay still and silent.

My blood seemed to freeze, and my thoughts halted for many seconds. I had not seen death before in my life. Heavy violence was rare in Canterlot, even in the whole of Equestria, and to see a fellow Royal Guard meet his end at the point of a sword shocked me for a few seconds. I let out a bellow and ran towards the shadow pony. I raised my sword in the air, intending to cleave down through its skull. It swiftly spun around, leaving a trail of shadows curling in a circle around it, and raised its sword to block mine.

With a clash of ringing steel, our swords met. Without hesitation, it flicked its sword to the right, flinging my own out of my grasp. It then twisted around and bucked me in the face; its silky, shadowy hooves seemed more solid than a block of concrete.

Pain flared in my muzzle as I flew backwards, and I tasted metal as blood coated my tongue. I landed heavily on the ground and slid across the dirt on my back, winded, with a bloodied nose and an injured pride. For a few minutes, I lay helpless in the dirt, gasping for air to fill my empty lungs and blinking rapidly to disperse the tears blurring my vision. I propped myself up on shaky hooves and looked up, eyes widening. Bodies lay scattered across the ground with their limbs pointing at odd angles, their eyes staring blankly into the cold face of death. More of the shadowy creatures were standing around their bodies, holding swords, axes, and even daggers. Every blade dripped with blood.

That moment was the most horrible experience of my life. I was surrounded by corpses. Blood soaked the ground, and the air reeked of fresh death. A shadow fell over my face, and I turned my attention to what stood above me. Princess Luna looked down at me, her face close to mine, and she smiled.

“You’re only a new lieutenant, aren’t you?” the princess said, staring at the shiny new badge on my chest. “Well, isn’t that just sad? Your first day with command over your own guards and they all end up dead. What an amazing leader…” The words tore into my mind and filled me with guilt. Their lives were in my hooves, and now they were dead. They had families and wives, some even had children. My eyes filled up with tears at the thought.

“Princess,” I said, “W-why are you doing such a-”

“I am not Princess Luna,” she said. “Not anymore. Now, I am Nightmare Moon!” Her shadow ponies screeched in agreement while they raised their weapons high in the air in triumph. Nightmare Moon dropped her voice to a low whisper. “My sister has always been loved and adored for her sun, but my moon is always shrugged away and ignored. But no longer! I shall have my revenge, for now, the night…shall last…FOREVER!” She screamed the last word at the top of her lungs, breaking out into evil laughter.

Suddenly, an arrow appeared at the top of her leg with a fleshy thud, and her laughter turned to a screech of pain. I whipped my head around and saw another unit of armoured ponies standing behind us, weapons ready.

“CHAAAARRRGE!” cried Silver Bolt, the other lieutenant on guard. He and his unit must have been awoken by the sound of combat. Now, they ran out of the towers, brandishing swords and axes, while some climbed to the top of the fort with their bows. Nightmare Moon turned around, alerted by the shout. Then she laughed.

“Foals!” she cried. “You cannot best me in combat! You are mere mortals! I am a goddess!” She walked away from me and ordered her shadow ponies to attack, leaving me lying on my back. I scrambled to my hooves, looking for some way to help in this battle. I spotted my sword lying in the dirt, so I cloaked it in my magic and started to pull it towards me. A large, shadowy hoof slammed down on the hilt, preventing me from drawing it closer. The shadow creature stood tall on its hind hooves and wielded a large, two-hooved axe. The large horns poking out of its head and its bipedal stance identified it as a minotaur.

I ran to retrieve my weapon. The minotaur growled at me and lifted its axe high above its head. I quickly dove to my left as it brought its weapon down. The blade hit the ground with a heavy thud, screeching slightly as it scraped against a protruding rock and sent up sparks.

I rolled and jumped up, kicking up small dust clouds as I ran back toward my sword. The shadow minotaur swung its axe again, carving a horizontal line through the air. I dove quickly underneath the axe and slid on my back, the ground scraping against my armor. I grasped the hilt as my momentum ran out and jumped to my hooves. A dark blur whirled in my peripheral vision, and I turned instinctively, leaping backwards from the deadly swipe, the blade whistling just inches past my muzzle.

As soon as I touched the ground, I thrust my hind hooves into the dirt and lunged towards the shadow minotaur with my hoof outstretched, hoping to hit it before it recovered. My sword went right through its gut, and it gave an unholy shriek of pain. It dropped its axe and fell forward, fading away into non-existence.

I looked around and saw that the fight was going badly. Almost all of our ponies lay strewn across the ground like ragdolls, blood staining the ground around them. Only a few guards still stood, and they were fighting bravely, but Nightmare Moon and her shadows were too powerful. I could see only defeat for us. Nevertheless, I resolved to not give up until either Nightmare Moon lay dead or my blood soaked the dirt.

I spotted Silver Bolt on the ground, holding his hoof in front of his face in a vain attempt to ward off a blow. Nightmare Moon stood above him, a one-hooved broadsword held in a magical aura. She snarled as her sword rose slightly, ready to stab down and bring death to my comrade.

I reacted out of instinct. Before I knew what I was doing, I had run over to Nightmare Moon and jumped onto her back just as she was bringing the sword down. Upon reflection, it was a foolish move, but I had less than a split second to react, and I wasn’t the quickest of planners. The aura encompassing her weapon vanished as Nightmare Moon lost concentration, allowing Silver to roll out of the way just in time. She swung about in startled frenzy, trying to buck me off. I held on as hard as I could, gripping tightly to her mane, eyes squeezed shut in determination. I felt a tingly sensation around my coat, and I opened my eyes to find a purple aura wrapping itself around me before I was thrust off of Nightmare Moon's back.

I landed on the ground and shut my eyes tightly as dust flew up into my face. I opened them again to find myself looking straight into Silver’s terrified gaze.

“There's nothing more you can do here,” he said to me. “The battle is already lost. You must get word to Celestia before it's too la-” His words ended in a scream as Nightmare Moon drove her sword through his chest. His scream was reduced to a gurgle as blood seeped into his lungs. His eyes locked with mine in a stare of grief, and soon the light was lost from them.

I cast my eyes around the blood-soaked battlefield and knew that Silver spoke the truth. The fight had already been lost, and the last pony standing had just fallen, overwhelmed by six of the shadow ponies. Nightmare Moon stared at me in hatred, and I knew what I needed to do.

“Don't you dare!” Nightmare Moon screamed as she ran over with her sword floating above her. But she was too late. A bright spark appeared at the tip of my horn, and a white light filled my vision as I felt myself whisk away from the bottom of Mount Canterest. I closed my eyes to shield them from the glow, and I experienced the brief oddity of weightlessness as I teleported the furthest I had ever teleported in my life.

I kept my hooves steady as I prepared to land. I heard a sharp clatter as my hooves struck something hard, and the bright light that shone through my eyelids faded away. I opened them to find myself in a room bathed in the golden candlelight from the chandelier above. Paintings depicting the two Princesses adorned the walls and hung above beautiful sculptures that stood on small, elegant pedestals. Banners in various patterns hung from the ceiling, and the walls themselves were covered with a light layer of gold. A lush red carpet lay on the floor in the shape of a cross. One branch lead up the stairs, two lead to the Western and Eastern halls, and another lead backwards towards the entrance hall.

I had reached the Canterlot Royal Castle.

Comments

[KillerSteel]

Well, you asked for a review, so I've come in to at least offer one from a subjective point. Go go coverimage/title/description review!

Cover image!

There is none, moving on!

Title!

The Night We Lost Her

Interesting...this actually makes me think of a medical-based story. Doctor working in a hospital, trying to save lives, and this is a journal-based story of how they lost a pony, either their first death on record, or someone very close to them that they failed to save. All in all, a good title that inspires thought.

Description!

One night, on April 28th 65 A.B. an old, retired captain of the Royal Guard passed away peacefully in his chair by the fire. In his lap sat his diary. But it was new, as if it were bought for a specific purpose. In his diary were many events of his life, written in the months preceding his death. Ponies today think of the diary as little more than a myth, seeing as though nopony that has read it is still alive today. But when one pony finds the diary, she cannot help but read it. Read along with her, and see one of Equestria's most horrible events from the perspective of one who saw it firsthoof.

Despite some grammar mistakes, this is the kind of description I like to see. Thought provoking, gripping, yet it only acts as a TASTE of what the story can provide. It's definitely snagged my eyes, and hell, I always love a good description. You used 'his' a lot in the desc; try putting 'the' to use.

Overall, thank God I came by here. It's a story that has my interest. Dunno if I'll actually READ it, I've got a ton of shit to worry about, but I'll definitely try and read some.

Good luck bud, you've got a good concept here, at least from the surface!

~KillerSteel, TWE's Logic Machine

[Page Flipper]

1484812 Thanks for the advice! I'll fix up the description. I do seem to have a fetish with the word 'his'.

Also, what you said about the title made me think a little. Perhaps a story about a doctor failing to save a patient is something I should try. I have no idea how good or bad I am at playing with emotions though, so I'd have to experiment a bit. Thanks for the inspiration!

I understand not having the time to read everything people ask you to. After all, we've all got these silly little things called social lives. Blasted waste of time, they are.

Have a good day, sir, and may copious amounts of money find their way into your pocket.

~Sabre Blade - TWE's Sarcastic Gentleman

[KillerSteel]

1485287

Ohohoho, feels? Y' wanna play with feels?

Talk to Axel on the Skype chat. He is the master of feels currently.

As for depressing feels, what you wanna do is establish a 'cliff' of sorts; a happy start. Make the reader care about the characters involved. You wanna take it slow with the feels.

In a medical scenario, you've got a patient. Nice and stable, on recovery, antibiotics are working. Friends are coming by to check on the patient, chatting, not a care in the world.

Something goes wrong, but the doctors manage to save the patient in time. Research is put towards curing the disease, and preventing further cases. Friends are closed off from the patient as they're put in quarantine.

Things continue falling apart as the infection accelerates, slowly killing the patient. Perspective of the doctor and the patient here, play on the thoughts.

Everything finally reaches a climax as the doctors reach the end, and they're given one last option. This is your chance for either a happy, or a sad ending. Even then, your happy ending may be sad, and your sad ending may be bittersweet, or even liberating. It depends on how the story progressed thus far.

The bottom line is, instead of simply drawing an image for the reader to see, you're trying to invoke their thoughts a certain way. You want them to be moved, on the edge of their seat with anticipation. Predicting the plot is BAD, especially when they're right.

A surprise is good, be it recovery or death. If you manage to depress yourself by reading it, chances are others will be depressed as well.

As a check, have CSquared08 read it. He's a big Sadfic fan with a love for a lot of what the fics do. He's your go-to guy for quality checks in the genre.

Hope that helps, and don't be afraid to throw a PM in my face in case you need help or a writing buddy! Oh, and the description is far better now. Well done!

[Page Flipper]

1486242 You've got a really good idea on how to write feels. I'll keep note of everything you've said, because it's enticed me to write a fic like that. I love the way you think.

I'll talk to CSquared08 if I ever get around to writing it (Although it will probably be quite a while before that. So many ideas in my head).

Good day to you sir. Thanks for the tips.

[KillerSteel]

1491024

Always glad to help, bud. Hell, might make my own sadfic sometime, a REAL sadfic.

You ever need a writing partner, hit me up. If I've got the time, consider me on the team.

[Scribblestick]

I've been waiting to see this pop up. Hope everyone likes it as much as I did.

[Ratchetgreen]

1000 years ago in the land of equestria
Me likey

[John41]

The disconnect between the introductory journal lines and the start of the main scene was a little jarring; it almost seemed like you could have started the story with the line about the moon shining brightly and dropped the journal aspect entirely. I suppose it does give us some nice insight into the way the character thinks right up front, but I definitely think it’s good that you got to the crux of the scene right away and didn’t spend too much leading up to it.

The chapter was quite entertaining overall.

I wonder what the hilt of an Equestrian sword would look like…

[FoughtDragon01]

Howdy! WRITE's FoughtDragon01 at your service to offer a thought or two about this story. Let's not waste any time and dive right in.

Plot:
First, I want to talk about the story's actual premise, which I actually find interesting. I'm not sure how common stories about the Royal Guard recalling Nightmare Moon's first coming are, but I can honestly say that this is my first time seeing one like this. And I like it. It definitely sounds interesting enough to keep reading to see where it goes. As for the story itself? Well, since this is only the first chapter out of God knows how many, I'll contain my thoughts to the first chapter only.

The pacing, for the most part, is fine. It doesn't spend too much time dwelling on a single scene, but doesn't feel like it's going by too quickly, either. I do have some issues with the first few paragraphs that glance over Cyan's earlier life, but that will wait for later. Just know that the general plot, for all intents and purposes, is looking fine so far.

Characterization:
To put it bluntly, I feel like there's something lacking with Cyan's character. He's not the flattest I've met, make no mistake. I can at least imagine what he's like. Going off of this chapter, he's a nervous, recently promoted lieutenant whose lifelong dream was to be in the Royal Guard. I get that, but I just feel like there wasn't enough to him. And it was irritating because there were hints of depth to him through your opening descriptions of how he came to join the Royal Guard in the first place, but those were just glanced over. In fact, this bit in particular really caught my eye:

A unicorn working as a Royal Guard was quite rare… In fact, it was the reason I had gained my new rank.

I can only pray–pray–that this will come up again somewhere in the story. I can only imagine that something like that would cause some tension between him and a few other guards who didn't have the luxury of being a unicorn. I understand that the main focus is around Luna's transformation into Nightmare Moon, but since we're seeing it from the perspective of Cyan, if he's boring, then the story will be boring. Again, this is only the first chapter, so I can only expect that you'll flesh him out more as the story goes on, delve deeper into his past, bring up some internal conflicts, that sort of thing.

The Fight:
Since the fight scene takes up this chapter's second half, I felt it deserved its own section. Now, this may be where some of my own experience rears its ugly head because I've never written my own fight scene before. I do, however, feel that I've read enough good ones to know when one falls flat in certain areas. This fight scene isn't bad, let me make that clear, but it's still missing something that keeps it from being great. I had little trouble picturing what was happening, but I did have trouble imagining what Cyan was feeling during the whole thing.

When it comes to fight scenes, I feel there needs to be a balance of external and internal description; that perfect blend of what the character is doing and what the character is feeling, thinking, etc. I don't want to feel like I'm watching a fight, I want to feel like I'm in a fight. That means I need to know what the character is thinking as they do the things they do, or at least feel the things that they feel. It's the difference between:

He punched me in the face.

And:

Pain shot through my skull as his fist collided with my head.

It really felt like I was only watching a fight during Cyan's battle with the minotaur. At its core, it was just "I did this, and then I did that, but the minotaur did this, so I had to do that.", which, while not necessarily a bad thing, can become pretty tedious if I don't know what's going on in his head. In essence, things just happened, and I had virtually no input about what was going through his mind. Since he was fighting a creature I can only imagine he's never faced, I can't imagine that all of those moves he did were perfectly calculated. He had to have taken risks. He had to have made split-second decisions. He had to have been panicking a little. However, I don't know because it doesn't say.

And then when the fight ends, it's just over. Again, no time spent on the immense relief he must've been feeling for not having an axe embedded in his skull. Considering that this is a first-person perspective as well, this may be something you want to look into, as it may help with your characterization of Cyan as well. Is he a calm, collected combatant or is he the kind who'll give it his all if it means he'll survive.

The Wrap-Up:
I like this. Honestly, I do. I want to see where this goes. Again, this is only the first chapter, so I can't say much just yet. Maybe I'll say more as more of the story is revealed. Who knows? Anyway, as usual, these are only things that I feel should be looked at as you continue this. What you choose to do with it is up to you, but I can only hope that you'll at least consider them.

Best of luck to you, and keep up the good work.

~FoughtDragon01–WRITE's Pet Grammar Nazi

[Page Flipper]

1860004 Here it is! And what a splendid thing it is, too.

Mhmm, I see. Mm, yes, quite. I concur. You've brought things to my attention that had never crossed my mind before. Thank you very much!

I'll get to work on fattening out Cyan's character. I had planned a scene involving a guard's "distaste" towards Cyan's rank, you clever devil. You just spoilered yourself! Hooray! On a more serious note, I do realise now that he is a little flat. I'll be giving him a heavy dose of characterisation in further chapters, so you can breathe easy. Cyan's breathing might get a little hectic, though. Those characterisation pills are very hard to swallow!

I find it a little hard to bring in feelings and details during some moments. Because this has been written in a journal, it's not very realistic for an old stallion to remember every detail, so finding that smooth spot is really giving me the shivers. And I seem to have flipped that on its head by including every detail of the fight and not his feelings on what's happening (The strongest thing we usually remember). I'll go through and rewrite it.

You bring up points of the reader wanting to know more about Cyan's character to make the story more interesting, so I'll try to find appropriate spots to slide in some childhood memories or bring to light his thoughts on a subject. I've got a few ideas right now as I'm writing this, so hopefully this shouldn't be too much of a problem.

I'll be reading and re-reading your advice many times. It is a major help. Good to know you like my story in its current state anyway. I'd love if you provided more input as I posted more chapters, but if you don't want to do it, then I'll find you and hurt you that's fine.

May your days be filled with laughter!