Stream of Consciousness
Dear Princess Celestia,
Gonna be honest, it feels kinda weird writing those three words after hearing Twilight do it for so long. Anyways, um... Hi, how've you been?... Okay, that was terrible. I can't write in this way. I'm just gonna write the words as they come through my head. I hope that's okay with you.
I can still remember pretty vividly that first day I arrived in Equestria. If you weren't quite so patient, I probably would've been traumatized. You have a really calming voice, by the way. It's clear to me you're probably pushed to the edge quite a bit, though. I mean, don't get me wrong, your citizens are great and all, but they can be... rowdy? Excitable? Something along those lines. If I wasn't feeling as kind as I am right now, I'd use some words a lot more crass to describe them, but I don't think that'd be fair to you, or to them.
Speaking of excitable ponies, Twilight's been... Twilighting. That's what we've taken to calling it. Not to her face. Not yet. But holy moly, I can't imagine she's ever been this nervous. And for once, it's over something reasonable people would actually be concerned about. I mean, she has to be the one to introduce not just her country, not just her entire species, but her entire world to the rest of the human race in just a few days. I don't know how to help her, to be honest, and that makes me feel kinda bad. She always knows how to help me. I've mostly just been helping out with stuff around the castle (still feels weird to say "castle" in lieu of "house") and meekly asking her if I can help with anything, about two dozen times a day. Most of the time, she asks for a refresher on human etiquette, which I can provide, but I feel like I should be doing more, y'know? She's such a sweet person. I still refuse to say "Pony", by the way. I haven't gone native quite yet. But... I don't know, I feel like I'm not living up to everything I can do for my friends right now. Of course, they probably don't mind. They're sweet like that. But it still feels like I'm... I don't wanna say "messing up", but something along those lines, y'know?
Maybe the reason I'm struggling to help is because I'm also worried. Not about how Twilight will do, mind you. No, I have the utmost confidence in her. I swear, she's smarter than any human to ever live. No, I'm worried about the fact that I'll have to see my family again. It's not like we were on bad terms when we last saw each other, but we weren't exactly on good terms either. If that were it, I don't think I'd be so nervous. I'm more worried about the fact that... well, I've been away from them for... Jeez, nearly 5 years now. And it's not like we communicated regularly back when I was on Earth, either. In this past half decade (I've found it feels like it's been longer when I phrase it like that), I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, as one tends to do. I've made some pretty good strides, especially in the past six or seven months. My depression is something I can safely say I've finally gotten under control. It's not gone, obviously. It never will be. But it doesn't dominate my life like it used to, either. The anxiety is a different story, but it's more manageable than it used to be. Unfortunately, I seem to have found a new problem. Fun fact: When your mind isn't perpetually telling you lies about how much of a horrible person you are, you start to have thoughts that are a lot more clear and coherent. All in all, I definitely prefer where I am now to where I used to be, but I have kinda traded in one problem for another.
I guess I'll stop dancing around the topic and just up and say it: I think I'm non-binary. Or, as some people affectionately dub it, I'm an enby. I like that word. It's cute. I guess I've always felt like I wasn't really a boy, but the aforementioned problems with my mind constantly screaming at me to not be such a screw-up pushed those thoughts to the background most of the time. Now, I have to just deal with them normally, and... I don't feel like I'm experienced when it comes to that, if that makes any sense? Like, I've spent most of my life just ignoring my problems, and it took a long series of mental breakdowns occurring in the span of a few days for me to realize that that's not a good idea in the slightest. And I've been doing it for the past few months (See: Depression not being as much of an issue as it used to be) but I still feel like I'm not good enough at introspection to do... whatever it is I'm trying to do right now. Like, I think I'm an enby, but am I really, or have I just tricked myself into believing that I am?
... Scratch that. I definitely am non-binary. I can tell by the way that having people call me "male" feels completely and utterly alien to who I actually am.
I haven't told Twilight about this yet. Actually, I haven't told anyone besides you, so maybe don't mention it to anyone else. I know you won't, but I feel I should say anyways. I couldn't possibly just go up to Twilight and say "By the way, here's another thing for you to expend mental energy on." I know she'd accept me, obviously. As said earlier, she really is the sweetest thing. But she's got enough on her plate right now.
I'm more worried about my family. I know my siblings would accept me, they're cool about this sort of thing. But my parents? That's a different story. It's weird, I have no reason to be doubtful that they'd accept me, but I have this paranoid itch in the back of my head, constantly saying "But what if they don't? What if they're still upset with you? What if-" and it goes on forever. And endless barrage of what-ifs. I'm gonna have to tell them. It won't be for a while, though. I mean, they're gonna see me again after five years of complete radio silence, where it seems like I just dropped off the face of the planet. Which I did. Ha-ha. I'll give them some time to adjust. A month or so. But I'm not waiting any more than that. Even if they don't accept me, I know my friends will. And if they don't wanna have me in their life because I don't identify as male, then that's their loss, not mine.
Okay, that just happened. Something's going down in Twilight's study. I should go help in any way I can with that, so I'll just wrap this up here.
Your friend,
Ryan
PS: Is it weird for a human to start thinking Twilight is attractive? Like, not physically, but in a non-physical, purely romantic manner? Asking for a friend.
PPS: Could we maybe start referring to me as just "Ry?" It feels... not really better, that's the wrong word... Right. It feels right.
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This was a nice story. Are you writing as yourself, or are you just imagining what it would be like to come out as nonbinary?
10331382
Writing as myself, 100%. This fic was a spur-of-the-moment stream of consciousness that I felt compelled to make after reading Rooster. It started out with me using the name "Sammy" in place of my actual name "Ryan", but that didn't feel right, so... I didn't.
Thanks for the compliment, by the way. Hope you're having a nice day.
10331389
Wow, it's awesome that Rooster inspired you. I think the author would appreciate hearing that; you should post that in the comments of that story.
i honestly kinda want to see a continuation to this
I hope you don't mind, but I made an audio adaptation of your story. I'll put it on the backburner for editing for now until I've heard back from you though, cause after reading in the comments that you are writing as yourself here, I am unsure if you'd OK with it. I have my fingers crossed that it'll go well once you tell your family.
Nice work! This was very personal and it’s awesome that fanfic helped you with self discovery. You should consider adding a tag for OC/self insert though, since the story currently doesn’t reflect who the protagonist is.
10476812
Good point, I'll do that now.
10332065
I'm not usually one for this sentiment, but in this case, I do rather wish we got to see Celestia's response.
10637969
I’m wanting to make more stories in this Alt. Universe in the future, as it’s turned out to be pretty therapeutic for me to just write slice-of-life stuff. It’s a pretty blatant self-insert but I like it and I don’t think it’s particularly horrible as far as self-inserts go.
As for Celestia’s response... patience, my friend