- - -
It was days after the dramatic battle against Thicket... And Ponyville was back to normal. Well, mostly. There was still a great deal of construction on the north side of town, though a lot of it was new.
Since Ponyville was the hometown of most of the Elements of Harmony, there was plenty of new investment streaming in. One wondered how the insurance companies were handling it. Did no one warn them about this town?
Oh well. Not my problem.
I was walking around, taking a well deserved day off. I’d been helping with a lot of the construction work, and frankly I just wanted a relaxing outing to go shopping.
Hey, overtime pay is great but what good does it do you if you don’t spend it on anything?
Unfortunately most of the stores in Ponyville are a bit specialized. It's what happens in a small town. Hell, there’s a store that sells nothing but couches and quills! I mean they’re good quills and couches, sure, but I had a couch and pens.
So, that meant going to Filthy Rich’s Barnyard Bargains: One of the largest big box chain outlets in Equestria. Well, technically the only big box chain outlet in Equestria so far. It takes a certain level of logistics development to get to that point. That said, having that much economic power means you can get a lot more stuff from across the country. So I was moseying up there to see if there was anything new (and possibly tacky) to purchase.
Maybe a fancy clock to put on the wall. Something in neon lights. Hey, I'm a bachelor, I can do that kind of thing.
In addition, Filthy Rich has given me a lot of jobs. Despite the fact his wife is a racist bitch. I should pay him back a little, right?
I walked up to the storefront, and a smile came over my face. It was nice to see so many ponies out shopping after the tumultuous events of the past month. A large crowd was gathered outside, all eager to buy new products and items. I guess the stimulus checks had gone through.
I could see three of my favorite little fillies coming out the doors, all carrying packages in bags. They skipped along cutely, and their eyes widened in pleased surprise when they spotted me. I beamed back as they galloped towards me.
“Hey girls! How are-OOF!”
They all bowled me over as they enveloped me in a big, happy group hug.
“Howdy Shepherd!” Applebloom said happily.
“How are you?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Look what we got!” Scootaloo cheered, holding her purchase up to my face. I winced a bit.
“Those are nice, Scootaloo,” I said. “What are they?”
Applebloom pulled out her purchase from her bag. It was an action figure encased in clear plastic, with a cardboard backcard. That wasn’t the most surprising part though.
The most surprising part was that I was staring at myself, realized in polyvinyl chloride and painted very thoroughly. Though I didn’t recall my shoulders being that broad. The cardboard backcard was bright and colorful, and bore a dramatically written title:
SHEPHERD, HUMAN KNIGHT OF EQUESTRIA
“Look what we got!" Sweetie Belle said happily.
"They're on sale today!" Scootaloo crowed, her little wings spreading. "And look totally awesome!"
"Isn't it great? It has real kung fu stabbing action!" Sweetie Belle cried. “Whatever that is!”
"And it has ten unique phrases!" Applebloom said. She pulled a string on the back of the action figure, and a small speaker came to life.
"Hello, I am Ser Shepherd! And this is my favorite store in Equestria!"
I stared at the action figure. I stared at the three little fillies. I took a deep breath, and slowly sat up. I pushed them off me, and stood up.
"Excuse me for a second,” I stated, keeping my rage under control. I stalked into the store, my eyes narrowed. I grabbed another action figure of myself from a nearby pyramid of the things-Just before dozens of ponies grabbed them all up. It was clearly a hot seller.
“Can I help you, Ser Shepherd?” A mare store clerk cried, with a big, eager smile on her face. I ignored her and strode by furiously. All the way up to Filthy Rich’s office in the back. I threw the door open, slamming it against the wall hard enough that I made the diplomas and pictures on Filthy’s walls shake and shudder.
Filthy Rich himself had ducked behind his desk. I stalked up to the desk, and reached over it. I grabbed the wealthy business pony by the scruff of his neck, and yanked him up. I looked right into his eyes, glaring in my rage.
“Oh! H-Hello, Shepherd!” He cried. “How nice to see you! Anything I can get you?! A-A discount card?!”
I held up the action figure.
“An explanation would be nice,” I growled.
"Now Shepherd, I understand you might be unhappy,” Filthy said, squirming in my grip. “But in this case, I'm just selling the action figures! I didn't make them! Though I did invest in the company that is making them. Good thing too! They're already in the Fortune 500 for Equus and their stock just keeps going up-!"
I was fed up.
"WHO DO I GO TO BEAT UP INSTEAD OF YOU?!" I roared.
Filthy Rich gulped.
- - -
Meanwhile, in Canterlot...
Princess Luna trotted into her sister’s sitting room, a large body pillow with Shepherd’s image printed on it tucked securely under her right wing.
"Sister, you did inform Shepherd that by becoming a knight of Equestria, his image can be marketed and he gets 10 percent of the profits?"
Celestia looked up from her paperwork and beamed at her beloved little sister.
"Of course I did!" She said.
"Oh good!" Luna cuddled with her body pillow, sighing happily. She turned to head out. "I will see you this evening!"
"Pleasant dreams, my sister~!" Celestia called back.
“Oh, they will be~,” Luna said huskily.
- - -
I salute you Body Pillow. Your death was glorious and messy. Rest in fluff O' brave one.
All my respect to you.
hehehe remember this one.. Yeah godd times
And this is the story of how Celestia was brutally beat to death via kung fu stabbing action. Oh, dearest Shepard, may you lead your flock to greater horizons. Or you know, just screw the brains out of a bunch of techno colored equines. That's the same thing right?
I've seen this chapter before, I think. Repeatedly.
10488121
SALUTE!
Great chapter, keep it up!
Digging up my comment on the original:
10488168
Yeah, this was migrated from his blogs mostly unchanged.
10488148
I didn't even notice that his name furthered the reference at first, but still agreed with FoME calling it obligatory back in the multiply-aforementioned blog.
Luna having a human daki is adorable. Does Lyra still have hers? Or did secret agent-mare make her get rid of it when they finally tied the knot?
XDDDD That's hilarious.
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Slander and innuendo. Luna treats her lovely collectables better than that. She cold-water hoof-washes her covers and would flat-out murder her sister if she tried to machine dry them.
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No doubt. It's the pillow inside that shall be in worse shape. Probably. I've had a couple down pillows and boy those can be a nightmare to get washed properly. Truly wanna keep that daki nice and clean she'd hang it on the wall but I'm sure she's running out of space with the photo boards of Shepard.
He should get some Shep-facts. I'm imagining them similar to chuck-facts.
Oh, they will be~,” Luna said huskily.
.
. A princess who can partake in your dreams? Things could get out of hand pretty quick.
... Resistance is futile, you will now be assimilated to The Pone
If your last name is Shepherd and you ain't using some variafion of the 'store on the Citadel' line at every opportunity you get, then gou're wasting your life's potential IMHO.
That's going to be an interesting conversation.
I've always liked Estee's proposal that Ponyville all but destroyed the concept of home insurance in Equestria. (Well, that and far worse scars from Discord's unrule than most timelines, but mostly Ponyville.)
We'll see how long that lasts...
Lovely to see this expanded. Now the question is how long until Shepherd's asked to be a guest panelist at HumanCon.
10495602
All. Nutrients the body needs can be found in plants, with the exception of b12, the body does not care where the nutrients come from, just that you give it the nutrient it needs, deficiency comes from not eating the food that contains the nutrients you need, there are meat eaters with deficiencies, and vegan with deficiencies exist because they don't properly have a well planned diet.
Oh god the body pillow that just cracked me up brilliant 👏
Oooo... Ssshhhiiittt... ... That happend ¯\_(~-~)_/¯
And it was on that day, Someone made an enemy of the Human in Equestria.
Pretty sure Shepherd would have noticed become rich and stuff... My best guess ? The Memo got lost
I wonder if that Bodypillow changes to a naked version if heated up
Huh... Still neat
10488195
Its better that they're just friends. Straight human loving Lyra is better.
Um....why exactly is he so ticked off? I'd be pretty hyped if someone made an action figure of me.
The price of being famous, the full sized body pillows get more mileage than the real Shepard could ever try getting ♡👍 ✌
Money should not become a problem if he lifes a normal life, getting financing via royalties.
Love the reference to Mass Effect.
Have to write it in my published story eventually.