• Published 2nd Jul 2020
  • 13,383 Views, 1,286 Comments

Short Hand - Andrew Joshua Talon



The myriad misadventures of a plucky human in Equestria.

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A Quiet Sunday

I wasn't a frequent visitor to the Ponyville church. It was a simple wooden structure, not dissimilar to the school house, with a simple stained glass window in the back. It depicted Celestia and Luna, on either side of a solar eclipse. Beneath them, rays of sunshine shone down onto a breathtaking pastoral scene. A scene of proper harmony and beauty.

But I wasn't converted, despite Father Waddle's best efforts. I stuck to my own religion and my own God, thank you very much. For my own personal reasons, but also for the simple reason that in my religion, I am not divine.

Thinking of oneself as a god is a dangerous direction to go in. Watch any episode of Star Trek or Stargate: SG-1.

All that said, I couldn't exactly just ignore the fact I was a religious icon. As much as I wanted to. So I did attend a few services here and there. Usually when Pinkie Pie insisted on it.

I usually believed it would be awkward and uncomfortable... And guess what? This time? I was right!

I sat up front in the front row of pews, alone. Pinkie Pie and my other best friends were in the row behind me, singing along with the hymn Father Waddles led them all in. It sounded like something corny, out of a kid's show. I tried very hard not to look like I would like to be anywhere but here but... Well it wasn't like I was the greatest actor.

The most annoying part? Father Waddles just kept smiling at me throughout the song, never even looking annoyed or put out. Stupid jerk.

The hymn mercifully ended, and Father Waddles gave his congregation a warm smile.

"It is so good to see so many faces here today," he stated. "And many new faces! Joining us from Windy Peak, we welcome Mister Hickory Kindling, and his wife Citrus Vanilla. Please, trot forward!"

A pegasus stallion with white fur and light blue mane rose from the front bench, with his wife, an Earth mare with pink fur and blonde mane. Between them was a squalling bundle, containing their newborn foal.

Oh! It was a christening-like ritual. That made sense. Many religions, not just Christianity, had rituals to mark children as gaining entry into the community. Presenting them to the local community for acceptance.

Father Waddles beamed warmly.

"Now normally, I would perform the muster blessing myself," Father Waddles said, "but the couple has made a special request."

I felt Pinkie Pie vibrate excitedly behind me. I held back a groan. Oh good, here it comes...

"That our resident Human Guardian come forth and bless their new filly?" He said, looking over at me expectantly. I tensed up, resisting the urge to get up. I felt everypony's eyes on me.

I held back a sigh. Goddamnit, from now on? I will never, ever promise Pinkie anything. Never again.

I got up, and slowly walked up to the hopeful looking couple. I blocked out the eyes on me, and knelt down. I held out my hands. Hickory and Citrus held out their foal, smiling eagerly and with big eyes filled with hope. I couldn't look any way but grave, but I took their foal as carefully and gently as I could.

I held the little foal in my arms, and looked down at her. Equestrians had children more like humans did-Born as helpless infants that needed more care and attention than Earth horses. Probably for the same reasons too: Our big brains. Babies had to be born young and small enough that their heads wouldn't get so big they'd be stuck in the birth canal. That's the price you pay for big brains and high intelligence, and it probably shaped our evolution into a society just as much as it had probably shaped theirs.

The foal had a big head and its limbs were small and weak. Her eyes were large, kind of a blood orange color. Her fur was a pale pink, and the one curl of her mane was a light blue. She began to wriggle in my arms, and whined loudly, her little hooves waving at me. I sighed softly, and leaned her forward a bit against my chest so I could stroke her tiny wings and back.

"Shh, shhhh, it's okay," I murmured. "It's okay..."

She apparently heard and felt my heartbeat, and it calmed her down. She still kept trying to look up at me, clearly curious. She was incredibly adorable this way, and I couldn't help a smile.

Her entire life was ahead of her. There were so many possibilities for her, so many paths to take.

I looked up and saw everyone was watching me. Spoiled Rich was sneering at me. Twilight, Fluttershy and even Rainbow Dash were blushing. Applejack was giving me a speculative smile. Octavia looked at me with a look you could only describe as gooey. Vinyl was grinning cheekily, wriggling her eyebrows in a meaningful gesture. Minuette, the dentist, was biting her lower lip, while Nurse Redheart's face had turned bright red as she looked aside. Pinkie Pie was beaming, as Rarity cooed.

Spike had managed to escape to Sunday School, or their equivalent here. He always complained about being treated like a baby expect when it got him out of awkward situations. Lucky little jerk.

Right. I should say something, shouldn't I?

"Ah... What is the name of your foal?" I asked. Hickory and Citrus beamed in pride.

"Cozy Glow," they said in unison. They had to have rehearsed that, given the looks they gave one another. I nodded.

"Ahem. Right." I looked down at Cozy Glow, and let myself smile genuinely... Before realizing I had completely forgotten the blessing the Father had told me. Shit.

Well! I was always good at improvising.

"Cozy Glow," I spoke from my diaphragm, loud enough to be heard throughout the church but not so loud I might scare the foal, "filly of Hickory Kindling and Citrus Vanilla. You are a foal of Harmony, born into a loving family. You begin your life, your journey, in the company of friends. Beings that will teach you, help you, and be with you as you grow. I am nothing special, myself. Just a fellow traveler. But wherever life takes you, know that you will never be alone as long as you're willing to keep your heart open to the possibilities of friendship and love."

I paused, thought about it, and shrugged.

"In the name of Harmony I welcome you to our family. Um... Amen?"

A number of ponies laughed, but the rest clopped their hooves in applause. A few cheered. Cozy whined more loudly, and I very carefully handed her back to her parents: Both of whom looked grateful. Father Waddles grinned at me happily, and I did my best to hold my head high as I went back to my seat and sat down. Pinkie Pie leaned over and whispered in my ear.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" She asked. "You did super-dee-duper! Cozy's gonna have a great life, I just know it!"

"Thanks. I'm never doing that again," I muttered back, as Father Saddles went into his sermon. Applejack leaned over onto my other side, grinning broadly.

"Mustering ceremony, or hold a foal? Because you're pretty good at that," she observed.

"What else related to foals might he be good at?" Dash whispered, waggling her eyebrows.

"AHEM," Granny Smith growled as she trotted by with a collection basket. All three mares smiled apologetically, and sat back down on the bench.

I gave the elderly mare a grateful smile as she trotted by. She smiled back... But as she passed...

"So. Noticed yer pretty good at handlin' a foal. Good t' know!"

I held back a groan. Despite all the progress we'd made, I had a feeling my life was going to get much more complicated, and soon.

Author's Note:

Every civilization has religion or religions, and we've seen that the Ponies themselves have religion. So I decided to have some fun with it, given the much more serious chapter that I had last time.

As for why I'm updating so much lately? Well I'm trying to make up for the long gap between updates from before. Hope nobody's unhappy about that.