//------------------------------// // Merchandising // Story: Short Hand // by Andrew Joshua Talon //------------------------------// - - - It was days after the dramatic battle against Thicket... And Ponyville was back to normal. Well, mostly. There was still a great deal of construction on the north side of town, though a lot of it was new. Since Ponyville was the hometown of most of the Elements of Harmony, there was plenty of new investment streaming in. One wondered how the insurance companies were handling it. Did no one warn them about this town? Oh well. Not my problem. I was walking around, taking a well deserved day off. I’d been helping with a lot of the construction work, and frankly I just wanted a relaxing outing to go shopping.  Hey, overtime pay is great but what good does it do you if you don’t spend it on anything?  Unfortunately most of the stores in Ponyville are a bit specialized. It's what happens in a small town. Hell, there’s a store that sells nothing but couches and quills! I mean they’re good quills and couches, sure, but I had a couch and pens.  So, that meant going to Filthy Rich’s Barnyard Bargains: One of the largest big box chain outlets in Equestria. Well, technically the only big box chain outlet in Equestria so far. It takes a certain level of logistics development to get to that point. That said, having that much economic power means you can get a lot more stuff from across the country. So I was moseying up there to see if there was anything new (and possibly tacky) to purchase. Maybe a fancy clock to put on the wall. Something in neon lights. Hey, I'm a bachelor, I can do that kind of thing. In addition, Filthy Rich has given me a lot of jobs. Despite the fact his wife is a racist bitch. I should pay him back a little, right? I walked up to the storefront, and a smile came over my face. It was nice to see so many ponies out shopping after the tumultuous events of the past month. A large crowd was gathered outside, all eager to buy new products and items. I guess the stimulus checks had gone through.  I could see three of my favorite little fillies coming out the doors, all carrying packages in bags. They skipped along cutely, and their eyes widened in pleased surprise when they spotted me. I beamed back as they galloped towards me. “Hey girls! How are-OOF!” They all bowled me over as they enveloped me in a big, happy group hug.  “Howdy Shepherd!” Applebloom said happily. “How are you?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Look what we got!” Scootaloo cheered, holding her purchase up to my face. I winced a bit. “Those are nice, Scootaloo,” I said. “What are they?” Applebloom pulled out her purchase from her bag. It was an action figure encased in clear plastic, with a cardboard backcard. That wasn’t the most surprising part though. The most surprising part was that I was staring at myself, realized in polyvinyl chloride and painted very thoroughly. Though I didn’t recall my shoulders being that broad. The cardboard backcard was bright and colorful, and bore a dramatically written title: SHEPHERD, HUMAN KNIGHT OF EQUESTRIA “Look what we got!" Sweetie Belle said happily.  "They're on sale today!" Scootaloo crowed, her little wings spreading. "And look totally awesome!" "Isn't it great? It has real kung fu stabbing action!" Sweetie Belle cried. “Whatever that is!” "And it has ten unique phrases!" Applebloom said. She pulled a string on the back of the action figure, and a small speaker came to life. "Hello, I am Ser Shepherd! And this is my favorite store in Equestria!" I stared at the action figure. I stared at the three little fillies. I took a deep breath, and slowly sat up. I pushed them off me, and stood up.  "Excuse me for a second,” I stated, keeping my rage under control. I stalked into the store, my eyes narrowed. I grabbed another action figure of myself from a nearby pyramid of the things-Just before dozens of ponies grabbed them all up. It was clearly a hot seller. “Can I help you, Ser Shepherd?” A mare store clerk cried, with a big, eager smile on her face. I ignored her and strode by furiously. All the way up to Filthy Rich’s office in the back. I threw the door open, slamming it against the wall hard enough that I made the diplomas and pictures on Filthy’s walls shake and shudder.  Filthy Rich himself had ducked behind his desk. I stalked up to the desk, and reached over it. I grabbed the wealthy business pony by the scruff of his neck, and yanked him up. I looked right into his eyes, glaring in my rage.  “Oh! H-Hello, Shepherd!” He cried. “How nice to see you! Anything I can get you?! A-A discount card?!” I held up the action figure. “An explanation would be nice,” I growled.  "Now Shepherd, I understand you might be unhappy,” Filthy said, squirming in my grip. “But in this case, I'm just selling the action figures! I didn't make them! Though I did invest in the company that is making them. Good thing too! They're already in the Fortune 500 for Equus and their stock just keeps going up-!" I was fed up.  "WHO DO I GO TO BEAT UP INSTEAD OF YOU?!" I roared. Filthy Rich gulped.  - - -  Meanwhile, in Canterlot... Princess Luna trotted into her sister’s sitting room, a large body pillow with Shepherd’s image printed on it tucked securely under her right wing. "Sister, you did inform Shepherd that by becoming a knight of Equestria, his image can be marketed and he gets 10 percent of the profits?" Celestia looked up from her paperwork and beamed at her beloved little sister. "Of course I did!" She said.  "Oh good!" Luna cuddled with her body pillow, sighing happily. She turned to head out. "I will see you this evening!" "Pleasant dreams, my sister~!" Celestia called back.  “Oh, they will be~,” Luna said huskily.  - - -