• Published 2nd Jul 2020
  • 7,523 Views, 749 Comments

Short Hand - Andrew Joshua Talon



The myriad misadventures of a plucky human in Equestria.

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Meat

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

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Now, one major issue that’s been facing me ever since I got to Equestria has been my diet: Protein. The Ponies are, by and large, herbivores. Though they do enjoy eggs, that’s just not enough for an obligate omnivore like me. Chickens, shellfish and regular fish, while better, are also not quite enough to provide the nutrients I needed.

And it’s not like I need a steak every day to survive, but a certain amount of red meat every week is much better than having to take supplement pills. Which the ponies haven’t quite perfected yet.

Once again though, my pony friends came to my aid. Fluttershy and Applejack asked around, and apparently the local cows were willing to help. It took them a few days, but they called me over to the Apple farm. I arrived, was warmly greeted by Applejack and her family, and they ushered me inside.

In the dining room, my eyes latched onto two things immediately: One, a nice, fat, freshly grilled juicy piece of steak on a plate on the table. My mouth began to water.

Two… A cow standing on the other side of the table, all smiles.

I immediately froze, as the cow’s smile grew.

“Hello dear. My name is Daisy. It’s a pleasure to meet you!”

“Ummm,” I began, “you too. I’m Shepherd.”

I stood there, confused. The cow kept smiling.

“Go on ahead,” she said happily, “dig in! You need the meat!”

“Ummm,” I replied, looking at the steak. Daisy followed my eyes, and then shook her head.

“Oh, no! No! Don’t be shy!”

“Er,” I tried, “but the thing is… I mean… What are you doing here?”

The cow chuckled. “Oh, I’m here to see my friend’s end. That’s all.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked, my voice a bit higher pitched than normal. Daisy nodded.

“I knew the cow you’re about to eat,” she explained. “Go on, sit! Sit!”

I very, very slowly walked over to the table. I sat down, the steak’s wonderful scent still wafting into my nostrils. I stared at it for a while, then looked back at Daisy.

"Er... You sure you're okay with this?" I asked. Daisy nodded enthusiastically, still all smiles.

"Oh yes. Circle of life and all that!" She said brightly.

"I mean,” I tried again, “you knew this cow."

Daisy nodded.

"Yes."

"And she was close to you,” I continued. Daisy’s smile became… Sinister.

"As close as enemies can get,” she practically crooned, “Hurry up, she's getting cold!"

I stared at the steak. I picked up the fork and knife the Apples had very kindly provided me-From where, I didn’t know. I slowly cut off a piece, the meat giving way easily. I lifted it to my mouth, as I worked my jaw.

I opened my mouth, and bit down on it. Juicy deliciousness, all around. I nearly groaned in ecstasy at the taste of perfectly grilled meat.

"Yessss,” Daisy hissed, her eyes gleaming, “How does that bitch taste? Fatty from all the grass she stole from me? Rich like all the bulls she stole from me?!”

She leaned over the table, glaring at the steak in vicious glee.

“HOW DOES IT FEEL, MABEL?! HOW DOES IT FEEL?!"

"And I think we're done here,” I decided, standing up and taking my plate with me. I turned and headed for the door, Daisy now ranting.

"BURN IN HELL, MABEL!"

"STOP YELLING AT MY MEAT!"

God, maybe I should just become vegan.

I had another bite of Mabel-I mean the steak. I shook my head.

Nah.

Author's Note:

Enjoy your Fourth of July barbecues! And just be happy the meat can't talk back...