This alternate-universe story tells the downfall of the ancient city of Valencia, about 5,000 years before the events of the show. The crown jewel of a global empire, led for millennia by a powerful alicorn named Magnus de Vaspian. A broken, desperate Lord, and his unloved son, a captain of the Imperial Legion, who does his best to protect his home while wishing he could earn the love of his father. They prepare for an invasion by the Umbrum and their armies while dealing with their own internal conflict, aided by his lifelong friend and closest subordinate.
Chapters (12)
Just from this prologue...
10119560
Thanks for the feedback! I do agree that the outline could use some reworking, so expect that to change. The story explains what Aurum are early on; I initially defined them as well in the outline, but I took it out in favor of a more natural exposition in the story itself. The same may happen with the other characters as well. The other concern is genuine, but I'm unsure of how else to alleviate it. I did also include a mention of crystal ponies and the Crystal Empire in the story as well though.
Like I promised, now that I have a moment I'm giving this a read.
From the get go I can see one of the reasons why this didn't get much traction here at FiM.net. The prelude is well written, but it has no links to FiM apparent in it, and that would turn a good deal of the readers here away.
Hello LotR reference.
A little too fast paced at times, and you may want to try developing scenes instead of simply telling the reader what is happening. But overall a decent work so far.
This was a little rough around the edges, but overall a good read. The two true things you have to develop in my opinion is pacing and being more descriptive instead of simply narrating what happened off-screen.
But in the end my initial suspicion remains for why so few people are reading this, there are very few links to the show or even ponies in general. For instance, all you have to do is turn the ponies into elves and humans and you have a typical fantasy setting a la TLofR.
Have you tried posting it at another site? I think this could work better as an original work in Royal Road for instance then the pony AU that it is now.
Nonethless, good work and good luck with future projects.
I don't usually see stories start off with this type of dramatic persona. The outline info could have been worked into the prelude and you don't really need to list the characters. Information about them should be something the reader is able to learn from reading the prelude itself.
This first chapter is really slim. I feel like that there could have been more done to hammer in some world-building and characterization to prepare for future events and create a stronger introduction for the characters and sense of setting. I'm interested enough to keep reading, and your writing is quite good, there just ought to be more of it.
10303401
Wanting more is never a bad thing :) Thank you for the feedback! I intend to continue working on this over time, and the beginning chapter will likely be completely reworked.
10305789
That's awesome! I'll be sure to comment on the other chapters and come back for the revised ones too. Be sure to add your story to more groups to help get it some love.
This chapter feels pretty balanced. There's the right amount of foreboding and tension, but it would have been even more ominous with the right amount of setup. Still, this is some good building action and I like the air of mystery around the artifacts.
Compared to the previous chapter, the sudden foray into action with such minimal exploration came across as rather rushed. I get wanting to show off epic battles and your skill with prose, but this was way too soon.
There's a lot of thematic dialogue here, but the other events feel glanced over. Even though the story is interesting, there could be more body language going on in between the lines.
These last three chapters have all been very balanced in terms of body language, descriptions, action, and dialogue. I would suggest going back over these to get an idea of what you did right when you need an idea of structuring your chapters.
This really drove home the loss without going overboard in the drama in a way that was forced. You're really getting over the initial problems this story had, but I would still suggest going back to the earlier chapters.
This wrapped up very well, though I would consider making the epilogue a bit different. It's not quite like the prologue where it was a list, but the prose isn't entirely naturally flowing here and still has some of the summary tone in the prologue.