• Published 14th Dec 2019
  • 23,642 Views, 193 Comments

The Stars Revolt! - Andrew Joshua Talon

A human joins the Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville during Nightmare Moon's return. He thinks he's going to regret it. He's probably right.

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The Stars Revolt!

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

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So, as it turns out, humans can adjust to living anywhere. Even a world ruled by sapient, magic equines.

Yeah I wish I was kidding. I felt like I’d ended up in a pastel version of Aesop’s fables crossed with a sadistic session of Dungeons and Dragons. But hey: I was no hero. I was just an average male human from Earth: I got to work as a handyman, and that suited me just fine.

Yes, it’s a pun. Don’t worry, there are a LOT more where that one came from. I don’t know, maybe it’s the translation magic that lets me speak Horse. I’ll leave that to the linguists, philosophers and stand up comedians to sort out.

Hey, I’m Andrew Shepherd. And to my knowledge, I’m the first human being to ever end up on an alien world. I still don’t know how: One minute, I was relaxing in bed after a hard day’s work and the next, I was falling into a forest full of monsters. I ran for my life and was found by the local sapient natives. After some examination and testing by the local scientists, wizards, and god-queen, I was declared not a threat and allowed to apply for citizenship. Which I did.

Another thing for the boys back home to work out, if I ever get back there.

I was offered a nice job as a handyman in a little town called Ponyville, and frankly I was glad for it. The capital city, Canterlot, was like Minas Tirith high on whimsy and where the noble ponies all saw me as either a freak, a key to political maneuvering, or both. In comparison, the simple ponies of Ponyville took only a few weeks to adjust to my presence. I made friends, did good work, helped others. Got my own little house with clean running water, lights powered by magic, a refrigerator in a proper kitchen, a cozy bed, and a bookshelf filled with books to read.

It was a slower pace of life: Nopony had invented television yet, so everything media wise was print or radio. But I didn’t mind this too much. A slower world was one that was easier to adjust to, after all.

I grew close with a local animal expert, one Miss Fluttershy of Cloudsdale. She was a pegasus pony who could fly, but preferred activity on the ground. She took to me immediately, as she loved all animals. That I was the first and only one of my kind was a source of endless fascination, but she was also warm and friendly and kind. And surprisingly a big fan of their equivalent of manga, which she shared with me eagerly.

She also had a strange tendency to sleep fly. Often ending up in my house, cuddled up to me in my bed. I guess I didn’t mind too much, but the rumors that flew about us were a bit embarrassing. Especially when it happened on Hearts and Hooves Day.

Oh yeah: Like any other society, the ponies marked the change in seasons with celebration. And on this day, almost a year after I’d first appeared, there was a great celebration. The Summer Sun Celebration, where they would honor the longest day of the year by partying all night long before.

Usually, I would be up for that. A hard day’s work, however, had persuaded me to try to turn in early. I also had to deal with a crazy purple unicorn who was some emissary of the princess, and a lot of other hard jobs. So I thought some sleep would be nice.

Unfortunately… My cottage was near the town hall. Where the local party planner/sugar addict, Pinkamenia Diane Pie (or Pinkie Pie for short), was holding a loud, raucous party. With loud booming music and equally loud cries, laughs and screams. And of course, flashing lights of multiple colors that kept me up.

I sighed, and sat up in my bed. I rubbed my face and grumbled. “Damn ponies,” I muttered. I sighed, stretching my arms up over my head. I checked the clock-Yup, it was nearly dawn. I grumbled a bit. The music didn’t stop, of course. It just kept going.

I’d politely declined going to the celebration-Pinkie Pie had looked so heartbroken I’d nearly changed my mind. But I’d stayed firm. I wasn’t going to the party, and that was final.

… So of course, hours later, with the music pounding in my skull, I decided I would go. If only to not have to suffer alone.

Pinkie Pie is… Different. Even in a world of talking, magic equines where one (the queen, though she calls herself ‘princess’ for some inane reason) literally controls the motions of the sun and moon, she stands out for how weird she is, with her ability to teleport and talk without breathing and tendency to pop up out of nowhere. Maybe she’s Loki’s granddaughter-She had mentioned Sleipner at some point. Asking her about her strange abilities just went over her head, and I got the feeling that it was better not to inquire further.

Stare into the Pink Abyss too long, and it makes faces back at you. Still, for an Eldritch abomination in a pink pony suit, she was very kind. She was the first to welcome me to Ponyville and threw me a great party. Though her tendency to greet me in the mornings with her party cannon weren’t as great.

So I got dressed and trudged my way to the town hall. Most ponies didn’t wear clothing full time-They had fur, after all-but they still wore them for certain purposes. So there was a seamstress and designer in town: One Rarity Belle. She was rather melodramatic, but unfailingly generous, kind, and intelligent to talk to. Sure, most of it was gossip but she had an incredible talent for social-fu and had helped me avoid many a faux pas.

She had also been delighted to make clothing for me: The idea of a world of creatures that all wore clothes almost all the time was a fascinating one.

Rarity was also a flirt, and despite her being an entirely different species? I could say that I was… Tempted to engage in, as Larry Niven called it, rishathra with her. There was still a part of me that was weirded out by them being akin to horses, but every session with Rarity made that part of me quieter and quieter.

Damnit… All these naked ponies. I hadn’t been an ass man but Equestria was doing its level best to change that.

I yawned and covered my mouth as I approached town hall. Several ponies were already gathered, and many of them greeted me with cheerful smiles and kind hellos. I returned them as best I could, giving a smile back. I caught sight of an orange mare with a cowboy hat, and I grinned.

“Hey Applejack!” I said with a wave. The mare beamed back at me.

“Howdy sugarcube! Nice to see you up and about!” She winked. “Finally decided t’ join us?”

“Well, can’t sleep, might as well surrender,” I said with a shrug. “How’d your last race with Dash go?”

Applejack huffed. “Ah wish you’d been there t’ referee. Ah swear she cheated again!”

Applejack’s accent was translated via the spell into an American southern accent-A touch of Texas. I guess it was kind of like how Japanese English dubs made Osakan characters sound southern: To reflect her working class sensibility. She and her large, extended family had also greeted me warmly. I’d happily helped their large apple farm with many repairs, and they’d given me not just money but also wonderful family dinners and gifts of food and furniture.

A blue pegasus flew down and pushed down Applejack’s hat over her eyes, making the orange mare yelp. The Rainbow maned mare laughed, as Applejack glared up at her.

“You’re just a sore loser!” Rainbow Dash laughed. She grinned at me. “Hey Shepherd! Your weather thing is broken again!”

“You mean it broke, or do you actually mean you broke it? Again?” I asked wryly. She laughed and floated behind me, resting her chin on my head and her hooves over my shoulders as we walked into the large town hall.

“Come on, you know you love fixing it! It means you can see me be even more awesome!” She grinned. I shrugged.

“That would be a nice change of pace,” I replied. Dash snorted, and lightly bopped me on the head. She flew away.

“Your loss!”

Rainbow Dash was a pegasus who helped managed the weather. She was also really, really fast and incredibly cocky. She was, however, a lot of fun and had a wicked sense of humor. She was a bit of a nice change of pace from most of the other happy, edgeless ponies. She did have a strange habit of touching me a lot-Maybe it was a pegasus thing?

I yawned, and rubbed my eyes. All the ponies had gone ahead to the stage. I turned around and headed for the lobby-I had smelled some coffee, and my caffeine deprived body demanded I partake.

I found the coffee maker and a cup, and poured myself one. I added a lot of sugar and milk, while the Mayor made some kind of speech. The curtains must have opened, because there was a loud gasp by all the ponies. I turned around and sipped my coffee, as everything had gone incredibly silent.

“Mm, Sumatran,” I mumbled. I blinked, noticing how quiet it was. "... Sound system go on the fritz again?"


I looked up at the stage. A very tall, black pony with wings in blue armor was cackling. I blinked in confusion.

"... I guess I missed the part about it being open mike night. Or a cosplay contest,” I mumbled. Everyone else was still silent. It was getting awkward. I looked at the stage and smiled, punching a fist into the air. I cheered for the cackling performer.

Hey, if no one else was going to...

"Uh, you go! Great performance! And costume! Never seen anything like it! WOO!” I shouted.

The black pony teleported, appearing right in front of me in an instant. She glared at me, baring long, sharp teeth which gleamed. I blinked owlishly, and sipped my coffee.

"You dare mock me, you hairless ape?!" She demanded. I blinked again.

"Sooo... Audience participation?” I asked. Okay, a little weird, but hey. I wasn’t going to spoil things for this enthusiastic performer.

“Should I act scared?” I asked softly. I raised my voice, widening my eyes in mock terror. “Ahh, oh no, she's... She's got me."

I lowered my voice again.

"That okay?"

Okay, so I wasn’t an actor. Sue me.

The tall pony didn’t seem happy, snapping her jaws at me. I dropped my coffee, and it spilled onto the floor.

"We'll see how long your attitude lasts when the SUN IS GONE AND MY NIGHT REIGNS SUPREME!" She bellowed, making my ears hurt. I covered them, and winced.

"GAH! Jesus Lady! It's called volume control!" Annoyed, I reached out and grabbed her horn. I heard everyone gasp-Especially the performer. I stayed calm, and reached up to scritch behind her pointed ears. It was a bit difficult getting under her helmet, but a good ear scritch was something that had let me make a lot of friends here in Ponyville.

"Look, I'm sure you're doing a great job but I'm just not into this. You're going to have to choose another volunteer from the audience, okay?" I gave her a comforting smile. She blushed through her dark fur, her eyes glowing in confusion and fury.

"You-How dare you-?!" She sputtered. She then moaned loudly-Yes, my nails had found her sweet spot. I smiled as she leaned into my scritching fingers.

"There you go, calm down. See? Sorry if I broke your rhythm." I looked around at the gaping faces of a multitude of ponies. Fluttershy’s eyes were the widest I’d ever seen.

"SHEPHERD GET AWAY FROM HER!" She screamed-Easily the loudest I’d ever heard her. I winced, realizing that I’d done something incredibly stupid. I’ve probably screwed up their whole celebration-Like making a ham sandwich out of the Quran during Ramadan.

I hoped I wouldn’t get stoned to death.

I looked around, and cleared my throat as my hands continued to pet the tall alicorn.

"Oh God, I really have ruined things this time. I'm sorry guys, I didn't know-!”

Applejack shook her head.

"No! Ya don’t understand! She's Nightmare Moon!"

Nightmare Moon?

"And that means...?" I asked, confused. I got more looks of disbelief, like they couldn’t believe I could be this stupid. I guess I couldn't either.

The purple unicorn who had made my work day weird stepped up. What was her name-Twilight something?

"She's an evil alicorn princess who wants to plunge the world into eternal night and destroy the planet! She sealed away Princess Celestia!” The purple unicorn shouted.

I blinked. I blinked again.

“... Ah.” I slowly turned to look into the eyes of the alicorn, my hands still scritching and rubbing away. “Ahhh…” I smiled nervously at the now very imposing alicorn, who was staring back. “Ahhhhh… I… I see.”

My hands wouldn’t stop. Why wouldn’t my hands stop?!

Somehow, miraculously, my mouth kept talking.

“Ahem. Listen, your majesty, I'm new here and I don't really understand the politics going on between you and… Everything. So you'll have to forgive me if I crossed any line, if I insulted you, or-"

She grinned, her sharp teeth shining. Her mane came to life, pushing my hands off her head. She licked her chops.

"Mmmm... Yessss... You will do,” she said. I blinked.

"Do? Do for what?" I asked slowly. Nightmare Moon laughed villainously, making everypony wince and tremble.

"As my consort. I will need one for ruling the world and you will do! TO MY CASTLE, MY NEW CONCUBINE!"

Her mane expanded out into tendrils that reached out. I was frozen in fear, so it wasn’t hard for her to grab me around my waist, wrists, and ankles. She lifted me up, still laughing evilly. And really, there was only one thing I could do.

"I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULLLLLLLTTTTTTT!" I shrieked, as we were teleported away into darkness!

- - -

Author's Note:

You can consider this a sort of spin off of "Hands". I'm just using the same OC here. It originally started as a script style omake, but it grew into its own thing. So I'm going to post these bits as they're done. It will be in three parts, but I may write more in this same universe.