• Published 14th Dec 2019
  • 23,673 Views, 193 Comments

The Stars Revolt! - Andrew Joshua Talon

A human joins the Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville during Nightmare Moon's return. He thinks he's going to regret it. He's probably right.

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The Stars Revolt!

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

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So as it turned out, Twilight and my friends (also her friends) were indeed trying to get to the Palace to stop Nightmare Moon and save the world. At least according to the crystal ball Nightmare Moon was using to spy on them. Because at this point, why not pull out every magical villain cliche in the book?

That was the good news. The bad news was that apparently Nightmare Moon was done playing around.

"My tricks, traps and illusions didn't work," she cursed, pacing around in front of me. "Those little FOALS! CURSES!"

I sighed as I sat on a broken stone wall. I rolled my eyes-How cliched can you get?

"Maybe you should have sent out some powerful minions to kill them rather than playing Snidely Whiplash," I muttered.

I then slapped a hand over my mouth, my eyes wide. Nightmare Moon grinned at me.

"OF COURSE! I should have done that from the start!" She turned and flared the power of her horn. Several statues of pegasi burst into real pegasi, all dressed in dark purple outfits with goggles. I slapped my other hand over my forehead and groaned.

"Me and my big mouth."

The pegasi stood at attention before their dark princess, ready to fly. Nightmare Moon nodded in approval.

"Shadowbolts! Seek out and destroy Celestia's Apprentice!" Nightmare Moon ordered.

"As you wish, my Queen!" They shouted in perfect unison.

I stood up and slid in front of Nightmare Moon, putting up my very best "Please don't kill me" smile.

You'd be surprised how often it comes in handy.

"WAIT! Wait, you don't have to do that! I absolutely promise you don't have to do it! After all, if I had the idea it must be stupid! Completely stupid!"

Tyrion Lannister I am not. Oh well, at least I was taller.

"Please! You are far too hard on yourself, my Consort!" Nightmare Moon bellowed. "Twilight Sparkle travels here even now to destroy me!"

"Okay, maybe she is," I admitted. "But maybe she's here to…"

To what? To swear allegiance to her? She'd never buy that!

"To… Rescue me?" I suggested. "You did kind of kidnap me. So she really just wants to see me and make sure I'm not hurt."

Nightmare Moon gave me a deadpan expression.

"Do you really think I would believe that?" The alicorn asked. I shrugged helplessly.

"Okay, well," I tried, "Why not let her come here to face you in single combat? To prove your superiority to her?"

Her deadpan expression grew even more deadpan.

"That is even more ridiculous!"

Okay, yes, it was. Why did I have to get kidnapped by the one evil alicorn that's read the Evil Overlord's List?!

I sighed, and smiled at her as sincerely as I could manage. What was the old saying? "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' while you get a rock?"

I think I'd need something a hell of a lot bigger for this dog.

"Okay, look," I said, "Why don't I give you belly rubs for as long as you like? And in exchange, you don't send the Shadowbolts to destroy her and her friends?"

Bribery. It was all I had left.

Nightmare Moon shook her head slowly.

"That would be nice… However! I already sent them!" She cackled.

I gaped at her.


I looked over-Yeah they were gone. Long gone. Damnit.

Nightmare Moon huffed, shaking her head on her long neck.

"You will have no one else but me, consort! YOU NEED NO ONE ELSE! Now give me bellyrubs!" She grinned bestially.

I took a deep breath. I steeled myself, and glared up at the alicorn.

"I'm not giving bellyrubs to you anymore," I stated, loud and clear. Nightmare Moon's eyes widened.

"What?! You cannot deny me! YOU ARE MY CONSORT!" she roared.

I glared back at her, standing my ground.

"Look you crazy horse," I began, "you're the one who decided that! I didn't have any input! You just kidnapped me!"

"That is the way of Nightmare Moon!" She laid on her back and looked up at me with an almost adorable expression. "Now! BELLY RUBS!"

I crossed my arms over my chest and stayed put.

"No! Bad Nightmare Moon! No belly rubs!"

"WHAT?!" The alicorn got back up and roared right in my face. "I WILL DESTROY YOU!"

I sighed, and shrugged. I turned around and sat on the floor.

"Fine. Go ahead. But if you do? No. More. Bellyrubs. Or ear scritches. Or massages," I stated.

Nightmare Moon growled. "I… I'LL DO IT! I'LL DESTROY YOU!"

"Better hurry it up!" I stated, drawing random shapes in the dust on the stone floor. Outside of course I was as cool and calm as I could manage. Inside, I was performing a full body wince in anticipation of a horrible demise.

But this was literally the only card I had left to play.

"I WILL! I'LL DESTROY YOU! THERE WON'T BE ANYTHING LEFT!" Nightmare Moon bellowed, making the ground rumble. She stomped on the floor in fury. "BELLY RUBS! NOW!"

I remained unmoved. I just kept drawing in the dust, ignoring her. Nightmare Moon grumbled.

"All right… What if we made a bargain?" She asked. Almost sweetly.

I gave her my most sarcastic smile.

"Will you raise the sun again?" I asked.

"Anything but that," Nightmare Moon growled.

I shrugged.

"Then I guess…" I leaned in, really close. She leaned in closer as well.

"I'll have to say… No."

Nightmare Moon seethed.


Well, they say if you pull the racism card you've lost the argument...

Some time later…

Twilight Sparkle made it into the Palace, while her friends held off the Shadowbolts. She didn't like the idea of leaving her newly found friends to fight those terrible Shadowbolts. However after seeing Pinkie Pie pull a cannon out of nowhere and shoot one in the face, she was more confident they could handle themselves.

As for her own chances… She was far less so.

She was expecting to be challenged by Nightmare Moon.

She was expecting a battle to the death.

She wasn't... Expecting this.

Nightmare Moon and Shepherd in the middle of what looked like a childish argument.

Nightmare Moon had her nose in the air, and was looking like she was trying to ignore Shepherd. The human was sitting with his legs crossed, his arms firmly over his chest as she stomped foalishly around him.

"Hmph! Your bellyrubs aren't that good anyway!" Nightmare Moon declared.

He rolled his eyes.

"Fine! Then you won't miss them! Or the ear scritches, either!"

Nightmare Moon stiffened, then snorted.

"I-I can go without those forever! I will get a new consort! A trained ape! He'll be better!" Nightmare Moon mocked. The human shrugged again.

"Fine by me! Go ahead! Find another one that talks! Or can find those spots you like," he retorted.

Nightmare Moon grimaced, grinding her razor sharp teeth. She took a deep breath.

With all of her attention on Shepherd, Twilight realized that Nightmare Moon wouldn't be paying any attention to her. So she quickly but quietly moved towards the platform where the Elements of Harmony were lying. Inert, but intact.

"... Nnngh..!" Nightmare Moon huffed, sagging a bit, "How about one hour of sunlight a day?"

"No," Shepherd huffed.

"Two hours!" Nighmare Moon offered.

"No!" The human again snorted.

"Come onnnn..." She nuzzled him, but he pushed her away, "Three!"

"You know what number I want," he stated firmly.

Twilight managed to get to the platform, and activated her horn. She sent magic into the Elements, trying to activate them. The crystals rose, glowed… And then fell, shattering. The sound attracted the attention of Nightmare Moon and Shepherd. Twilight gasped in horror.

"What?! No!" she cried. Nightmare Moon's eyes widened in shock… Then she turned in rage to snarl at Shepherd.

"... YOU! YOU WERE DISTRACTING ME THE ENTIRE TIME!" Nightmare Moon roared, knocking Shepherd over. He pushed himself back up, and held his hands up.

"Ummmm... Well, that depends. If those are the Elements of Harmony that can defeat you and bring back the sun? Well…" He offered a nervous smile.

"Kind of, yes?"

Nightmare Moon blasted him with her magic, sending his tall form right through the nearest brick wall. It was smashed through and they collapsed, sending up a plume of dust. Twilight gaped in horror.

"SHEPHERD!" She cried. Nightmare Moon's mane lashed out and grabbed her around the throat. "ACK!"

"You two planned this together, didn't you?! FROM THE START!"

"AUGH! I-We didn't-!" Twilight struggled in her grip. Nightmare Moon's jaws snapped at her, like a hungry lion's.


A weak voice echoed through the hall. Nightmare Moon looked over at the debris pile. Shepherd emerged, battered, bruised and bleeding. He got up onto his arms, struggling and gasping hard against the agony of his broken body.

"No! No... Don't! It's… It's me! I did it! Whatever… It was! If you want to hurt someone, hurt me! Just... Just leave her alone, please!"

"Shepherd," Twilight gasped. Some strange alien she had barely known for a day was so injured, so hurt… Yet still willing to stand up for her! Still willing to fight and try and help her!

"Well... Now that the Elements are destroyed, it doesn't really matter, does it?!" Nightmare Moon dropped Twilight, teleporting like a wisp of smoke right behind Shepherd. She seized the badly injured human in her tendrils, wrenching him up. He screamed in agony, tears pouring from his eyes.

"I'll kill him in front of you before I finish you off, so you'll get to see everything you care about die! Your lover, your mentor, and your precious Elements!"

That was the moment… That it hit Twilight. She stood up, feeling new hope dawning within her.

"No... No, the Elements aren't gone! They were with me... The entire time! Honesty! Kindness! Generosity! Loyalty! Laughter! They were with me from the start! The friends I made along the way-They were the Elements!"

Nightmare Moon laughed, choking the badly bleeding Shepherd. Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy galloped in, their foes defeated behind them. Even with this, the Dark Alicorn was unphased.

"You still lack the sixth element, foal!"

"No," Twilight gasped, looking right into the eyes of her friends,"because I know what it is now!" She began to glow, as did the shattered Elements. Her friends began to glow too, and all of them gained necklaces of their Cutie Marks. Twilight herself gained a crown, as the light and power of the Elements of Harmony shone through the air!

"The Sixth Element is Magic... The Magic... OF FRIENDSHIP!"

A gigantic rainbow beam blasted from the six ponies, washing over Nightmare Moon and Shepherd. Nightmare Moon screamed as Shepherd is dropped. He and the dark alicorn vanished in the beam, the light filling the ancient castle and flashing across the landscape like a beacon of hope. High above, the sun broke through the eternal night, and the sky became a gorgeous blue.

That was Twilight's perspective. Mine? Mine was of the worst pain imaginable, unable to tell what bones were broken and which weren't. They all hurt the same.

Then came the light-Like Gandalf riding in with the Rohirrim at dawn. All my worries, all my fears, and all of my pain was washed away in the cleansing light as Nightmare Moon screamed, and faded away.

I was left lying on an uncomfortable stone floor, feeling… Well, the opposite of what I had been feeling a few moments ago. Like I'd just had the most wonderful night's sleep, and woke up feeling refreshed. I stared up at the blue sky of day. I heard a bird chirp happily.

Twilight's face filled my vision. She looked worried.

"Shepherd?! Are you all right?" She cried. She was knocked out of the way by a concerned Fluttershy.

"Please, speak to me! Are you feeling any pain?" She cried. "Did she hurt you?! Touch you inappropriately?"

"Ah, no, I'm fine, I'm fine," I said quickly. I sat up slowly, rubbing my temples as Fluttershy's hooves and wings went all over me, "I think the… Magical Deathray healed me-HEEP! FLUTTERSHY!"

"Oh! Sorry!" Fluttershy mumbled, pulling her hoof back. "I didn't mean to-I was just very worried!"

"Oh, that's okay," I said, patting her on the head. "I know you'd never do anything inappropriate to me."

"Without your permission," Fluttershy murmured. I blinked. I couldn't have heard that right.

"What was tha-?"

"WOW! You got healed completely!" Pinkie Pie gasped, bouncing in front of me. She leaned over. "And you're not Twilight's coltfriend! You're Fluttershy's coltfriend!"

Fluttershy turned bright red, and began squeaking. I sighed.

"Pinkie Pie, I'm not-"

"Of course you're not! You're ALL our coltfriend!" Pinkie Pie cried. "You were the damsel in distress, and we saved you! Now you're all ours!" She hugged my arm with a happy smile. "Please be gentle, it's my first time!"

I rolled my eyes. I looked over at Twilight, who was looking confused as Rainbow Dash laughed, Applejack snickered, and Rarity admired her mane. I beamed at the purple unicorn.

"You did great," I said. "You all did." Twilight blushed, and worried her hoof against the floor. Fluttershy was still bright red. Pinkie Pie grinned. Twilight hummed and grinned at me.

"You… You too," she said. "You didn't have to sacrifice yourself for me-um, us. For us."

I shrugged. "Well... You know... Needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one."

"Huh?" Twilight asked, confused. I shook my head.

"Just words of wisdom spoken by a great Vulcan philosopher. Back on Earth."

"Well. Um... Thank you," Twilight managed. Fluttershy smiled shyly.

"Th-Thank you," Fluttershy whispered. I smiled back, and reached out to rub her head. Pinkie Pie huffed.

"Thank you! Now give me ear scritches! I just helped save the world, and you're my coltfriend now!"

I rolled my eyes, and began scratching behind her ears. Pinkie Pie sighed happily.

"Hey, do ah get the benefits o' rescuing the damsel too?" Applejack asked with a grin.

"He only gets to wear an apron and makes me dinner before I get home!" Dash laughed.

"I just hope he can still carry me off and ravish me," Rarity murmured shyly, her hoof over her muzzle. I sighed.

"I really hate you all," I muttered.

"We love you too, you grumpy monkey," Pinkie Pie giggled, nuzzling me. Okay that was kind of racist, but I let it go because I love this crazy pink little horse. She gets 'M' word privileges.


We all turned to look at Princess Celestia… Who was standing with a much smaller, more slender light blue alicorn in princess garb. I blinked, as she blinked right back. She then blushed severely.

"I'm so glad you discovered the magic of Friendship, Twilight. You really did it! Just as I knew you would!" She bowed to Twilight. "And you all saved my dear little sister, Princess Luna. All of you, thank you so much!" She smiled at me. "Especially you, Andrew Shepherd. Without any powers, a fragile human being like yourself helped save Equestria. I am so glad you came among us."

"I… Thank you, Your Majesty," I managed. I mean, when an immortal demi goddess thanks you, what else are you supposed to do. Nightmare-Er, I mean, Princess Luna, also smiled warmly at me. She blushed and looked aside.

"We are so sorry for what she did to you," she said in a sweet, soft voice. Wow she was cute-I sure hoped she stayed this small and demure. I offered a smile back.

"Well, it's all right. It wasn't you, and I'm all better now," I said reassuringly. Her blush worsened, as she looked at my shoulder.

"Ahem. Of course, having taken hold of my horn, thou must become my betrothed to save us both from shame-"

"Wait, what?!"

I wasn't the only person to cry this. Hell, even Fluttershy sounded loud as she echoed the same sentiment.

Oh crap I'm getting engaged to a princess?! Oh God, I am a terrible Isekai protagonist!

It was the kind of realization that makes you want to jump in front of a truck. Even if that might lead you to becoming an even worse isekai protagonist!

Celestia laughed softly, and nuzzled her sister. "Sister dear, that is no longer the custom," she said gently. Luna blushed and looked down at her hooves.


We all breathed a sigh of relief. Was it my imagination, or did Fluttershy hug me more tightly? Or maybe that was Rainbow Dash. I couldn't tell, being in the center of a pony huddle.

Celestia beamed at her little sister.

"You simply ask him on a date!" The elder princess said. Luna looked over at me, her smile growing.

"Well then...!"

"Uh," I began. "I'm very flattered but-"

I was saved from trying to gently let down a demigoddess by all of the mares around me.


"Oh?" Celestia asked with a little smile. I looked around, bewildered.

"NO! I-I mean," Twilight began. "You need to recover first!"

"And catch up!" Fluttershy cried.

"Yeah!" Applejack added. "There's so much you've missed in the last thousand years!"

"So much to become acquainted with!" Rarity insisted.

"Like parties! Propellers! And porn!" Pinkie Pie shouted.

"Get yer own damsel, Princess!" Rainbow Dash shouted. I rolled my eyes.

"Nice joke, Dash," I muttered.

"Yeah, joke," Dash muttered back.

"I must agree, sister dear," Celestia said gently. "There is no need to rush. You will see Shepherd often though, I promise."

"Oh... Very well," Luna said softly. She gave me a big, warm smile. "We hope to see you soon!"

"Um... Sure?" I responded. Celestia smiled at me too.

"And you, Andrew Shepherd? I hope you will continue to help Twilight Sparkle as she studies the magic of friendship. It may lead to a way back to your home, eventually."

I nodded, my own smile growing.

"N-No problem, Your Highness," I replied. She laughed again, softly and knowingly.

"Indeed! Given you were directly struck by the Elements and left unharmed, you could contribute immensely! Perhaps you could stay with Twilight Sparkle in her new home?"

Twilight turned bright red, from the tip of her horn to the bottoms of her hooves.

"S-Stay? With me?! I-I don't know if I can-If I should-!"

"Hey! That means he'll be right between all of us equally!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. "So we all get an equal shot! Ooh! Finally, we'll get the chance to use this book!"

She pulled out a book that made every mare blush bright red. I blinked at the strange writing, the Pony figures resolving themselves into something sensible.

"The Pony… Sutra?" I read.

"WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THAT?!" Twilight shrieked. Pinkie Pie grinned.

"I believe in being very prepared!"

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Pinkie Pie, you are so random…"

Silly ponies with their weird jokes and healing magical rainbow beams. I'm just thankful this adventure is my last. I'm fine with helping Twilight with research into the magic of whatever, but I'm definitely not going to get involved in any more crazy adventures.

Nothing ever happens in Ponyville, after all...

Author's Note:

Well, that's it for this story. Hope you enjoyed!