Two
The Stars Revolt!
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.
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So, for any humans thinking that Equestria would be easy pickings for military occupation and exploitation, allow me to advise against it.
One, I've done a lot of work to make a good first impression of our species to an alien race. And you repeating the mistakes of the past would really screw up our chances of building a peaceful Federation of Planets.
And two, Earth would probably lose. They have a princess that can literally control the sun and moon. I know-I asked her to prove it. She proved it. She was happy, nay, eager to prove it. Apparently she'd never met a creature who doubted her ability to move the sun and was happy to be thorough about it.
Suffice it to say, I believed it. And walking on the sun is not nearly as mellow an experience as Smashmouth made it seem.
Point is, she has a sun; that is Game Over. And even if she didn't? The ponies control the weather around here. They can move the clouds and control lightning. They can make the rain, snow, and the wind blow at will. They would turn any invasion into Napoleon's Invasion of Russia, but worse.
Except, there was one place their weather magic didn't work. A place of chaotic magic and gigantic monsters. A place I was intimately familiar with, because it's where I appeared when I got to this crazy planet: The Everfree Forest.
Apparently it was originally the site of a castle Princess Celestia and Princess Luna had ruled Equestria from, but after she went Nightmare Moon, Celestia moved the capital to Canterlot. As a result, the ancient palace was in ruins-Covered in vines, filled with trees and beasts, and about as welcoming as a prison cell in Minas Morgul.
One more Lord of the Rings reference and I get a free Slurpee.
Here, I was being held against my will. I was forced to do the most unholy things to appease my Dark Mistress, the dreaded Empress of Evil. Things that to this day make me shudder in horror.
Because goddamnit... She was disturbingly cute when I was holding her in my lap and giving her belly rubs.
As well as emotionally validating her. I guess no matter where you go in the universe, you'll find millennials. Even Millennial millennials.
I'm sorry.
... I'm not sorry.
"Who's a good destroyer of worlds?" I said with as much enthusiasm I could muster-Which was not much. I was a hostage.
My fingers clawed through her belly fur, and she shuddered in bliss. She licked her chops as she looked up at me. I raised a finger up, and lifted it to her nose. I gently booped her nose, making her gasp.
"I am?" She asked. I nodded. She grinned. "I am!"
"Yes," I sighed. I resumed my stroking. "Who's the cutest destroyer of worlds and soooo much better than her stupid, stupid sister?"
Nightmare Moon looked at me expectantly. I again booped her, and she laughed evilly.
"I AM!"
I let out a longer sigh as I wondered just what I had done for God to punish me so. I mean, I suppose I was better off than Job... But not by much.
"Okay, look, Your Highness-" I began. She moaned erotically, her magic mane grabbed my ear and pulling my face disturbingly close to hers. I winced as she 'whispered' in my ear, loud enough to rattle my ear drums.
"Call me 'Mistress', oooh. My beloved concubine, call me that!" She commanded. I let out another very long sigh. I think I had developed an eye twitch.
"Okay, not dignifying that," I stated.
I looked imploringly at her, trying to be as calm and rational an adult as possible.
"Listen, your Highness: If you have it be eternal night, you'll cause an ice age and kill off all life on the planet. That's not going to leave you with anything to rule, is it? What good is being a Princess if you have no kingdom?"
Nightmare Moon snorted, pouting up at me like a petulant child.
"I will not destroy all life!" She declared, pointing up with one of her long legs. "I shall make them worship me, and prefer the night! All that hard work, all the sacrifices and loss I suffered-And they had the temerity to prefer my sunny sister?!"
Her eyes were glowing in rage and hurt, and despite my predicament I couldn't help feeling some empathy with this crazed evil empress.
Great, I hope this isn't the first step towards Stockholm Syndrome.
"I can understand that," I began. "I can understand not being appreciated. I dated women who were single handedly responsible for the birth, marriage, and happiness rates in the Western world declining over the past twenty years. I get it. But this is not the way to do it!"
Nightmare Moon's glare turned icy.
"Why do you persist in this, Consort? This is not even your world!" She demanded. I glared back.
"I'm still one of the idiots who has to live on this world!" I cried, as evenly as I could. "I can't do much living if I'm dead, can I?"
Okay that may have sounded better in my head. But I loved Guardians of the Galaxy. Sue me.
Fed up at last, Nightmare Moon rose from my lap to her hooves. She towered over me, glaring in fury. I felt very small and very terrified, but I somehow managed to still look her in the eyes.
I never claimed to be smart.
"I knew it!" Nightmare Moon thundered. "You have a lover you seek to protect!"
I could now claim to be extremely confused.
"What?! No! Nonono!" I said quickly, waving my hands in as subservient a way as possible. Which was not apparently not good enough, judging from how the alicorn princess seethed.
"You cannot lie! I know your thoughts! It's the purple one, isn't it?!" She roared.
Well now I was really confused and scared. I mean, granted, I was dealing with a mad magical empress but even madness needs some kind of method!
"What?! No! I-I just met her!" I cried. "I mean, I'll admit I've had thoughts about ponies in that way, but it's not exactly-I mean I don't-!"
Her horn glowed, and what appeared to be a small TV screen appeared in front of me. I gaped in disbelief, as I saw my own hands at work on a pipe outside of Rarity's boutique.
"Did… Did you just read my mind? Are you reading my mind?!" I shouted.
"SILENCE!" Nightmare Moon declared.
In the memory, a purple unicorn called out to me. I looked right at her as she trotted up to me. She was panting hard, frazzled and stressed out. Behind her a few paces was a small purple dragon, who looked faintly amused. I gave the unicorn a winning smile.
"Can I help you, Miss…?" I prompted.
"Twilight Sparkle, representative of the Princess," she panted. "Hey, listen. Some pony told me that you're… You're an alien?"
I sighed in a slightly self deprecating way.
"Yes, I am. If you want a picture, it's five bits. Signed, it's ten."
Yes, I make a nice bit of coin on the side as a tourist attraction. No, I have no shame when it comes to that.
The unicorn shook her head furiously.
"No, no, no! I'm not a tourist! I just have to... Well..." Her horn lit up, and a beam of magical energy ran over my body. I yelped as it went right through me. Like prunes.
"Ack! Hey! That tingles!" I shouted.
Twilight frowned, and poked me in the gut. She trotted around me in a circle, scanning me from all angles. She pulled out a stethoscope and began listening to my lungs.
"I-Seriously, can I help you?" I asked in bewildered annoyance. She came around to my front and looked at me intently.
"Do you have any special abilities? Increased magical sensitivity, super strength, laser vision?" She asked in desperation. I rolled my eyes.
"Only under a red sun," I deadpanned. Twilight groaned, bowing her head.
"Then you can't help me! You can't help anypony! We're doomed!" She cried. I reached out and took her hooves between my hands, trying to be comforting.
"Okay, look. It's obvious you're stressed out. Let's get some food, on me. And for your dragon friend too," I said, turning my smile over to the dragon. He grinned back happily, even as his unicorn friend shook her head.
"Ah?! I don't-I can't-!" Twilight tried, and then her dragon stepped up to her side.
"We'd love to! And I'm Spike! What's your name?"
"Andrew Shepherd," I said. I led the protesting Twilight and the happy Spike to a nearby cafe. We sat down at a table, surrounded by other, happily chatting ponies. I ordered her a daffodil sandwich and tea, and good old PB and J, potato chips and tea for me. For Spike, I got the same and some soda.
As our food was delivered by the peppy waiter, the purple unicorn kept up her protests.
"Look, this really isn't necessary-!" Twilight tried, but I shook my head.
"Come on, eat. Or at least have some tea. Calms the nerves. Trust me, I needed that the first few months I was here." I had a sip of tea to emphasize my point. Twilight's face crumpled into a grimace, as she lifted some tea to her lips. She took a sip.
"Fine. I had a drink. Now if you'll excuse me," she stated. I raised an eyebrow, confused.
"What's the rush?" I asked. Twilight grumbled, fed up.
"I... You see... You wouldn't believe me!" She huffed.
"Try me," I said. "I mean, I'm an alien, after all."
"Even an alien wouldn't believe me," she huffed. "Everypony in this town is crazy!"
I rolled my eyes. I reached out and rested a hand on her hoof. She looked up at me, blushing a bit.
"Twilight Sparkle. I'm Andrew Shepherd. I come from a planet with no magic, and only my species is the intelligent one. I ended up here entirely by accident, and I've had to deal with the impossible every day. Trust me, I will believe you." I gave her a grin that you might call heroic.
Maybe.
If you squinted.
"Well..." She began to talk at length about her worries and concerns, and her desperate mission. I nodded, eating my sandwich and sipping my tea until she finished. I hummed thoughtfully.
"Okay. So, a horrible ancient evil is about to rise and your mentor, the Princess of Equestria, tells you to come here and make some friends," I summarized. Twilight nodded eagerly.
"Yes! I don't understand why!" She glared down at her untouched sandwich, as Spike happily gulped down his soda. I sighed and shrugged.
"Look, you're her apprentice. You know her well-Better than me. She doesn't seem... You know... Insane? Or uncaring?" I asked. She stared at me like I was some kind of hideous alien creature-Oh right.
"What? No! Not at all!" Twilight cried, more than a little defensively. I shrugged.
"Well then, maybe she has a good reason for you to come here and make friends," I said. Twilight scoffed.
"What could that be?!" She demanded. I shrugged again. The sandwiches were good, but I was still pretty hungry.
"I don't know," I admitted, "but maybe it's something you should try? I'm just saying."
"I... Maybe... I don't know," Twilight sighed. She looked up at me sheepishly. "Well, thanks anyway. I've... Never actually met an alien before."
I shrugged back and grinned.
"I've never been on a date with one before. So that's a first for us both," I said. I will admit, the neurotic little unicorn looked very cute when she was blushing. Her horn flared with magic.
"Ah-Uh-A d-date?! I mean, I've never, this wasn't-!"
"Shepherd!" The proprietor of the cafe, a snooty stallion named Savore Faire, was suddenly looming over us. "You told me you'd be fixing my oven an hour ago!"
"Ah!" I raised my hands up. "Sorry about that, Savore. I got a little distracted, but come on. It's just an hour. How bad-?"
Smoke began to pour out of the cafe, as ponies began to flee. My genteel smile became rather brittle, as Savore just glared. I sighed and looked at the embarrassed Twilight. She looked down.
"I'm sorry," she said. I sighed.
"It's all right," I managed. "It happens. Hope the rest of your day goes better." I got up, dropping some bits on the table.
The magically induced flashback ended. I had a headache. Nightmare Moon looked triumphant, her sharp teeth gleaming in the night.
"HA! I told you! She is your lover!"
"NO! NO! Come on, it was just lunch!" I cried defensively. "I just met her! She made more work for me-And she didn't take it like that!" I shook my head. "Trust me, she absolutely, definitely does not have any romantic feelings for me! And I don't for her!"
Nightmare Moon gave me the evil eye. "Really?"
"Yes! Really!" I insisted. "And she's definitely not trying to find a way to defeat you!"
Meanwhile…
Twilight Sparkle and a number of the ponies she had met that day were gathered at the edge of the Everfree Forest. She had found a book on the Elements of Harmony, the one thing that might defeat Nightmare Moon and save Equestria. And she wanted to go in, alone, to save Equestria. The strange mares, however, would not back down. Despite the gravity of the situation and the stakes involved, they were willing to go all the way with her.
"It's our world too! We're not letting you go alone!" Rainbow Dash insisted.
"Besides, she kidnapped Shepherd!" Pinkie Pie pointed out. "We can't let her just have him!"
"All right," Twilight sighed. She gave them as encouraging a smile as she could, moved by their courage. "If I can't talk you out of it, let's go save Equestria!"
"Yeah!" They all cheered, in varying accents and volumes. Pinkie Pie beamed.
"And save our coltfriend!" She added.
They all cheered again, save for Fluttershy.
"YEAH!"
Fluttershy just looked shocked, and Twilight could swear she felt her glare.
Twilight turned bright red, and began shaking her head rapidly.
"Wait what?! He's not my-we didn't-IT'S NOT LIKE THAT! But let's save him anyway!"
"YEAH!" The mares cheered, save for Fluttershy.
"Yay he's not her coltfriend!" She quietly cheered.
Twilight blinked.
"Wait, what did you say?"
"Nothing!" Fluttershy squeaked.
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ya know i never got why no one just suggested to nightmare moon to swap the moon and day cycle around, ponies literally fall a sleep on Que so by swamping around when it day and night they be up at night and sleep during the day, no planet ending and she get ponies to experiences her night
Awww, the cuddeling scene with Nightmare moon was just precious!
"Who's a good destroyer of worlds? You are! yes you are!"
derpicdn.net/img/view/2019/10/13/2167638.png
9989493
I've got a shot!
Fool. If you make another LOTR reference you will be free, as Pinkie will likely be the one to deliver the slurpee. Not even the Nightmare can comprehend the pink eldritch horror.
No More!!
9989906
Well I still have one more chapter. I can't let it go to waste.
im loving it plz mor
It's a little weird to me that the girls, minus Fluttershy, just decide that Shepherd is Twilight's coltfriend. The two just met, and I don't think any of them saw that little lunch date.
Meanwhile, the Prime5( feel free to use this) have known him for a year now and by the interactions reference in chapter 1, not just Fluttershy is into Shepherd. Pinkie should have shouted "And save Our coltfriend!" or at least Fluttershy's coltfriend.
9990433
Yeah, that sounds a lot more reasonable and likely.
Oh gods, you went there
Bwahaha.
Real smooth
One remark:
> “I am?” She asked.
> "Call me 'Mistress', oooh. My beloved concubine, call me that!" She commanded.
> "I will not destroy all life!” She declared
> "Why do you persist in this, Consort? This is not even your world!” She demanded.
> "You cannot lie! I know your thoughts! It's the purple one, isn't it?!" She roared.
> "And save Twilight's coltfriend!" She added.
> “Yay he’s not her coltfriend!” She quietly cheered.
In a "s/he said" construction, the part behind the quotes should not be capitalised. You seem to make this error quite a lot...
9990433 To be fair, it is Pinkie Pie...
Lovely to see this get fleshed out. Looking forward to the conclusion.
And then Lavan showed up!
Because he felt really left out after not being part of G4 at all.
(Lavan crying tears of liquid-hot magma, "I was a great villain! Wasn't I?" He start sobbing bitterly, releasing blasts of pyroclastic flows. Villagers in Pompeii below his summer home within Vesuvius scream briefly as their puny lives are snuffed out. Yes, Lavan was indeed a great villain, even when not aware of his evil deeds! Also, this sorta crossed over randomly with the Doctor Who episode on Pompeii... so Lavan was also an alien this time...)
9989493
>Yandereshy intensifies
NEIN
9997879 X9000
I'm confused by what follows this and the comments because both seem to imply that he is Twilight's coltfriend but in this part I quoted, Pinkie seems to imply that he's the coltfriend of all of them.
10089295
Harem ending best ending?
Nope, Earth wins easily.
Am not going to lie this has to be the funniest human meets nightmare moon story i ever read so far I laughed my butt off after reading this chapter.
I'm just going to say this and I like Tia and ponies and all but..
On Earth we have weapons that make any organisms look like fragile glass
Ever heard of a 22mm Vulcan Cannon? 50. Cal Machine gun? Etc
10417507
on another note, have you heared of nuclear weapons
10417507
Sure, we have better technology. Equestria is roughly Victorian.
BUT, do you really want to risk it? Imagine:
.
You've made it to the Pony throne room! Helpless guards dive out of the way of your crew's technical as you rocket in. And there she is, your target, the alien leader! The driver spins the truck around as you take aim with your DShK heavy MG... and then you press the spade trigger, utterly obliterating the throne in a hail of bullets. The Princess barely has time to put up a shield, but it quickly collapses in a cloud of magic flux.
.
All is silent. Your adrenaline is maxed out... And then your crew cheers, waving your banner from the truck cab. You've WON! You're in charge now, and it's taken all of three hours! Things are good for Team Human.
.
And then the dust swirls, and a white pony stands next to your mount. Perhaps "pony" isn't the right term. She's looking at you level, and you're standing in the back of a Toyota... She's only slightly bruised... and she's... smiling?
.
Princess Celestia Sol Invictus inclines her head to you respectfully. She speaks perfect English.
"You are the first creatures to hurt me since the Battle of Everfree City, one thousand years ago... Most impressive."
Fire and magic spark in her eyes. The very fabric of reality warps; you find your arms feel like lead, you can't force your body to move... Like an ant standing before the wrath of God...
The Princess drops her smile, her face becoming as cold as deep space... As stormy as the surface of the sun.
"I won't let it happen again."
Nightmare Moon is fecking adorable, and it's a crime if you say otherwise.
Pfft, cookies are better.
10426475
She was beaten by a love-vampire-bug in about 8 seconds and has been shown to not really have that much power over all, I really don't think she would stand up to gunfire very well.
Unless we are saying headcanon or magic and if that's the case then it's the same as saying "but alien technology", it's just an excuse to say a character can do anything.
Coltfriend= Boyfriend
Merriam Webster's Dictionary describes "boyfriend" as "a male friend" in it's first entry. Therefore, Pinkie Pie isn't wrong when she says "Let's go save our coltfriend!".
Holy shit. Its the 20.04.2021, 0:53 in germany in the morning and i just bearly avoided a heart attack from cuteness overload of a cute villain getting belly rubs...
One of my Top Authors i follow now 👍
9991319
It'd be even better if they'd gotten James Earl Jones to voice him for the first time since G1.
Flurry heart
You bro'nos all think the same, a good nuke fix everything that has to do with magical b******* nature. Now stick that up your ass.