• Published 14th Dec 2019
  • 23,621 Views, 193 Comments

The Stars Revolt! - Andrew Joshua Talon

A human joins the Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville during Nightmare Moon's return. He thinks he's going to regret it. He's probably right.

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The Stars Revolt!

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

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So, for any humans thinking that Equestria would be easy pickings for military occupation and exploitation, allow me to advise against it.

One, I've done a lot of work to make a good first impression of our species to an alien race. And you repeating the mistakes of the past would really screw up our chances of building a peaceful Federation of Planets.

And two, Earth would probably lose. They have a princess that can literally control the sun and moon. I know-I asked her to prove it. She proved it. She was happy, nay, eager to prove it. Apparently she'd never met a creature who doubted her ability to move the sun and was happy to be thorough about it.

Suffice it to say, I believed it. And walking on the sun is not nearly as mellow an experience as Smashmouth made it seem.

Point is, she has a sun; that is Game Over. And even if she didn't? The ponies control the weather around here. They can move the clouds and control lightning. They can make the rain, snow, and the wind blow at will. They would turn any invasion into Napoleon's Invasion of Russia, but worse.

Except, there was one place their weather magic didn't work. A place of chaotic magic and gigantic monsters. A place I was intimately familiar with, because it's where I appeared when I got to this crazy planet: The Everfree Forest.

Apparently it was originally the site of a castle Princess Celestia and Princess Luna had ruled Equestria from, but after she went Nightmare Moon, Celestia moved the capital to Canterlot. As a result, the ancient palace was in ruins-Covered in vines, filled with trees and beasts, and about as welcoming as a prison cell in Minas Morgul.

One more Lord of the Rings reference and I get a free Slurpee.

Here, I was being held against my will. I was forced to do the most unholy things to appease my Dark Mistress, the dreaded Empress of Evil. Things that to this day make me shudder in horror.

Because goddamnit... She was disturbingly cute when I was holding her in my lap and giving her belly rubs.

As well as emotionally validating her. I guess no matter where you go in the universe, you'll find millennials. Even Millennial millennials.

I'm sorry.

... I'm not sorry.

"Who's a good destroyer of worlds?" I said with as much enthusiasm I could muster-Which was not much. I was a hostage.

My fingers clawed through her belly fur, and she shuddered in bliss. She licked her chops as she looked up at me. I raised a finger up, and lifted it to her nose. I gently booped her nose, making her gasp.

"I am?" She asked. I nodded. She grinned. "I am!"

"Yes," I sighed. I resumed my stroking. "Who's the cutest destroyer of worlds and soooo much better than her stupid, stupid sister?"

Nightmare Moon looked at me expectantly. I again booped her, and she laughed evilly.

"I AM!"

I let out a longer sigh as I wondered just what I had done for God to punish me so. I mean, I suppose I was better off than Job... But not by much.

"Okay, look, Your Highness-" I began. She moaned erotically, her magic mane grabbed my ear and pulling my face disturbingly close to hers. I winced as she 'whispered' in my ear, loud enough to rattle my ear drums.

"Call me 'Mistress', oooh. My beloved concubine, call me that!" She commanded. I let out another very long sigh. I think I had developed an eye twitch.

"Okay, not dignifying that," I stated.

I looked imploringly at her, trying to be as calm and rational an adult as possible.

"Listen, your Highness: If you have it be eternal night, you'll cause an ice age and kill off all life on the planet. That's not going to leave you with anything to rule, is it? What good is being a Princess if you have no kingdom?"

Nightmare Moon snorted, pouting up at me like a petulant child.

"I will not destroy all life!" She declared, pointing up with one of her long legs. "I shall make them worship me, and prefer the night! All that hard work, all the sacrifices and loss I suffered-And they had the temerity to prefer my sunny sister?!"

Her eyes were glowing in rage and hurt, and despite my predicament I couldn't help feeling some empathy with this crazed evil empress.

Great, I hope this isn't the first step towards Stockholm Syndrome.

"I can understand that," I began. "I can understand not being appreciated. I dated women who were single handedly responsible for the birth, marriage, and happiness rates in the Western world declining over the past twenty years. I get it. But this is not the way to do it!"

Nightmare Moon's glare turned icy.

"Why do you persist in this, Consort? This is not even your world!" She demanded. I glared back.

"I'm still one of the idiots who has to live on this world!" I cried, as evenly as I could. "I can't do much living if I'm dead, can I?"

Okay that may have sounded better in my head. But I loved Guardians of the Galaxy. Sue me.

Fed up at last, Nightmare Moon rose from my lap to her hooves. She towered over me, glaring in fury. I felt very small and very terrified, but I somehow managed to still look her in the eyes.

I never claimed to be smart.

"I knew it!" Nightmare Moon thundered. "You have a lover you seek to protect!"

I could now claim to be extremely confused.

"What?! No! Nonono!" I said quickly, waving my hands in as subservient a way as possible. Which was not apparently not good enough, judging from how the alicorn princess seethed.

"You cannot lie! I know your thoughts! It's the purple one, isn't it?!" She roared.

Well now I was really confused and scared. I mean, granted, I was dealing with a mad magical empress but even madness needs some kind of method!

"What?! No! I-I just met her!" I cried. "I mean, I'll admit I've had thoughts about ponies in that way, but it's not exactly-I mean I don't-!"

Her horn glowed, and what appeared to be a small TV screen appeared in front of me. I gaped in disbelief, as I saw my own hands at work on a pipe outside of Rarity's boutique.

"Did… Did you just read my mind? Are you reading my mind?!" I shouted.

"SILENCE!" Nightmare Moon declared.

In the memory, a purple unicorn called out to me. I looked right at her as she trotted up to me. She was panting hard, frazzled and stressed out. Behind her a few paces was a small purple dragon, who looked faintly amused. I gave the unicorn a winning smile.

"Can I help you, Miss…?" I prompted.

"Twilight Sparkle, representative of the Princess," she panted. "Hey, listen. Some pony told me that you're… You're an alien?"

I sighed in a slightly self deprecating way.

"Yes, I am. If you want a picture, it's five bits. Signed, it's ten."

Yes, I make a nice bit of coin on the side as a tourist attraction. No, I have no shame when it comes to that.

The unicorn shook her head furiously.

"No, no, no! I'm not a tourist! I just have to... Well..." Her horn lit up, and a beam of magical energy ran over my body. I yelped as it went right through me. Like prunes.

"Ack! Hey! That tingles!" I shouted.

Twilight frowned, and poked me in the gut. She trotted around me in a circle, scanning me from all angles. She pulled out a stethoscope and began listening to my lungs.

"I-Seriously, can I help you?" I asked in bewildered annoyance. She came around to my front and looked at me intently.

"Do you have any special abilities? Increased magical sensitivity, super strength, laser vision?" She asked in desperation. I rolled my eyes.

"Only under a red sun," I deadpanned. Twilight groaned, bowing her head.

"Then you can't help me! You can't help anypony! We're doomed!" She cried. I reached out and took her hooves between my hands, trying to be comforting.

"Okay, look. It's obvious you're stressed out. Let's get some food, on me. And for your dragon friend too," I said, turning my smile over to the dragon. He grinned back happily, even as his unicorn friend shook her head.

"Ah?! I don't-I can't-!" Twilight tried, and then her dragon stepped up to her side.

"We'd love to! And I'm Spike! What's your name?"

"Andrew Shepherd," I said. I led the protesting Twilight and the happy Spike to a nearby cafe. We sat down at a table, surrounded by other, happily chatting ponies. I ordered her a daffodil sandwich and tea, and good old PB and J, potato chips and tea for me. For Spike, I got the same and some soda.

As our food was delivered by the peppy waiter, the purple unicorn kept up her protests.

"Look, this really isn't necessary-!" Twilight tried, but I shook my head.

"Come on, eat. Or at least have some tea. Calms the nerves. Trust me, I needed that the first few months I was here." I had a sip of tea to emphasize my point. Twilight's face crumpled into a grimace, as she lifted some tea to her lips. She took a sip.

"Fine. I had a drink. Now if you'll excuse me," she stated. I raised an eyebrow, confused.

"What's the rush?" I asked. Twilight grumbled, fed up.

"I... You see... You wouldn't believe me!" She huffed.

"Try me," I said. "I mean, I'm an alien, after all."

"Even an alien wouldn't believe me," she huffed. "Everypony in this town is crazy!"

I rolled my eyes. I reached out and rested a hand on her hoof. She looked up at me, blushing a bit.

"Twilight Sparkle. I'm Andrew Shepherd. I come from a planet with no magic, and only my species is the intelligent one. I ended up here entirely by accident, and I've had to deal with the impossible every day. Trust me, I will believe you." I gave her a grin that you might call heroic.


If you squinted.

"Well..." She began to talk at length about her worries and concerns, and her desperate mission. I nodded, eating my sandwich and sipping my tea until she finished. I hummed thoughtfully.

"Okay. So, a horrible ancient evil is about to rise and your mentor, the Princess of Equestria, tells you to come here and make some friends," I summarized. Twilight nodded eagerly.

"Yes! I don't understand why!" She glared down at her untouched sandwich, as Spike happily gulped down his soda. I sighed and shrugged.

"Look, you're her apprentice. You know her well-Better than me. She doesn't seem... You know... Insane? Or uncaring?" I asked. She stared at me like I was some kind of hideous alien creature-Oh right.

"What? No! Not at all!" Twilight cried, more than a little defensively. I shrugged.

"Well then, maybe she has a good reason for you to come here and make friends," I said. Twilight scoffed.

"What could that be?!" She demanded. I shrugged again. The sandwiches were good, but I was still pretty hungry.

"I don't know," I admitted, "but maybe it's something you should try? I'm just saying."

"I... Maybe... I don't know," Twilight sighed. She looked up at me sheepishly. "Well, thanks anyway. I've... Never actually met an alien before."

I shrugged back and grinned.

"I've never been on a date with one before. So that's a first for us both," I said. I will admit, the neurotic little unicorn looked very cute when she was blushing. Her horn flared with magic.

"Ah-Uh-A d-date?! I mean, I've never, this wasn't-!"

"Shepherd!" The proprietor of the cafe, a snooty stallion named Savore Faire, was suddenly looming over us. "You told me you'd be fixing my oven an hour ago!"

"Ah!" I raised my hands up. "Sorry about that, Savore. I got a little distracted, but come on. It's just an hour. How bad-?"

Smoke began to pour out of the cafe, as ponies began to flee. My genteel smile became rather brittle, as Savore just glared. I sighed and looked at the embarrassed Twilight. She looked down.

"I'm sorry," she said. I sighed.

"It's all right," I managed. "It happens. Hope the rest of your day goes better." I got up, dropping some bits on the table.

The magically induced flashback ended. I had a headache. Nightmare Moon looked triumphant, her sharp teeth gleaming in the night.

"HA! I told you! She is your lover!"

"NO! NO! Come on, it was just lunch!" I cried defensively. "I just met her! She made more work for me-And she didn't take it like that!" I shook my head. "Trust me, she absolutely, definitely does not have any romantic feelings for me! And I don't for her!"

Nightmare Moon gave me the evil eye. "Really?"

"Yes! Really!" I insisted. "And she's definitely not trying to find a way to defeat you!"


Twilight Sparkle and a number of the ponies she had met that day were gathered at the edge of the Everfree Forest. She had found a book on the Elements of Harmony, the one thing that might defeat Nightmare Moon and save Equestria. And she wanted to go in, alone, to save Equestria. The strange mares, however, would not back down. Despite the gravity of the situation and the stakes involved, they were willing to go all the way with her.

"It's our world too! We're not letting you go alone!" Rainbow Dash insisted.

"Besides, she kidnapped Shepherd!" Pinkie Pie pointed out. "We can't let her just have him!"

"All right," Twilight sighed. She gave them as encouraging a smile as she could, moved by their courage. "If I can't talk you out of it, let's go save Equestria!"

"Yeah!" They all cheered, in varying accents and volumes. Pinkie Pie beamed.

"And save our coltfriend!" She added.

They all cheered again, save for Fluttershy.


Fluttershy just looked shocked, and Twilight could swear she felt her glare.

Twilight turned bright red, and began shaking her head rapidly.

"Wait what?! He's not my-we didn't-IT'S NOT LIKE THAT! But let's save him anyway!"

"YEAH!" The mares cheered, save for Fluttershy.

"Yay he's not her coltfriend!" She quietly cheered.

Twilight blinked.

"Wait, what did you say?"

"Nothing!" Fluttershy squeaked.

Author's Note:

Chapter the second! Hope you enjoyed it. Just one more to go!