Mmm... Art is cute. Story is hot. You get a cheeky like from me, you bastard.

9960947
Thanks, could always use a like since I seem to attract downvotes like flies!

Wow this was hot.

Not bad, but perhaps a little rushed. Don't be afraid to linger on any one position for more than a paragraph, especially whenever climax approaches.

9961059
Thanks!
9961287
Yeah, pacing has always been something I struggle with.

As a girl, I can confirm that this is just one of those common days at the hot spring for us

9966495
I'm envious!

9966540
In all of the seriousness, I'm sorry to break it to you, but while this story has some fun idea, it's execution has some way to go before it is a good story. I'll review it. I'll give the feedback to you as soon as possible once I publish it, kay sweets

9966642
Okay, I'll look forward to it.

Ohmygod Rumble was acting like a fake Chad of cringe
I'm sorry to come down on this like a ton of bricks, but it seems like it was written by someone who pretty much never talked to a real girl and only watches cringy paid porn

“You were poking your clam to me, weren't you?”, him talking about fucking Apple Bloom and Scootalo mid sex is just painful
So is 2D character of Sweetie Belle, just prostrating herself

Also, the entire thing is super rushed porn logic :<

9967377
Here you go. Nice and fresh out of the oven.

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/880685/1st-author-review-rumble-in-the-bunghole-18

Just a heads up. The story's review is umm... Tough love. That's a way to explain it

9969168
Interesting views. I'll try to respond without sounding defensive:

-You're right about my weird paragraph spacing; I'm OCD about this which is a problem I've always struggled to break.

-What are Sweetie Belle's core traits? You say I don't express them, but don't tell me what they are. I tried to write her as enthusiastic but with small bouts of insecurity which she quickly bounces back from when encouraged, and also that she idolizes her older sister and tries to replicate what she thinks a guy would like with bits of her own experimentation. Beyond that I didn't feel more development was necessary for a quick fic for people to wank to, but I know people have different preferences for how much romance a clop story needs.

-I understand your uncomfortable feelings with Rumble grabbing Sweetie's wrist; I actually toned it down as it seemed kind of rape-y. Same with the 'positions reversed' lines, which made me think of the different standards men and women fall under; a guy jerkin' it to a girl bathing in secret would automatically make him a creeper to most of the audience.

-I agree I struggle with telling not showing and my pacing sucks. I tend to write stream-of-conscious how I think, with my mind racing from one idea to the next.

-I admit I have no real idea how to write Rumble and just improvised; I'm indifferent to him and only used him as he was requested, as was the scenario by a reader, although the execution of it is entirely on me. All I recall of him is that he came off as a stubborn jerk IMO, so I pretty much wrote him as a potential stand-in for the reader.

I went with the idea that Sweetie is barely an adult with no real experience, so Rumble in my mind wouldn't have much trouble seducing her as he's a bit older and more experienced. Yeah, it's trashy porn, but I was going for something more in the bodice-ripper style with the man holding most of the power; it's not something I condone outside of fantasy or role-playing between equals.

Fair review. Few people read the fics I actually throw my all into, but usually just the stuff I churn out real quick, although that's not surprising as the works I'm most attached to tend to have niche concepts. I don't consider myself a romance writer and that's rarely been what I've aimed for, which is why I tend not to use that tag anymore on my clop; I prefer quick-and-dirty stuff with lots of edginess in general.

But then again, outside maybe a dozen characters (And that's if I'm being super generous) I'm not convinced anyone in MLP has much depth, sorry. To me they're mostly written as inconsistent joke receptacles on the show and most nuance prescribed to them is entirely head-canon. Sweetie doesn't strike me as a very well developed character in canon, Rumble incredibly less so. In fact, I'd argue this lack of depth is part of the show's appeal, allowing people to endlessly fill in the blanks.

9969264
9969264
I struggle with a disorder myself, so I can relate

I'm not entirely sure what here core traits are either, but here is a description of her core traits described in the wiki:

Personality

True to her name, Sweetie Belle is very kindhearted and innocent. Despite this, she is often mischievous, vain, naive, and impetuous.^{​[​specify​]​} However, Sweetie Belle remains positive and well-meaning in times of crisis, especially if she is responsible.^{​[​specify​]​}

Okay, on second thought, I'm not asking you to write Sweetie Belle with the creators have in mind, nor how you develop Sweetie Belle, what I'm asking you is to be more dynamic with the character in each particular scene. She could be embarassed, run away, and then feel self-concious, but she could could do several other stuff at that time. She could have had panicking internal dialogue. And if an edgy twist is desired, then after her wrist was grabbed, she could have thought. "Buck, I'm about to get r*ped" Then when he asked her could have been in denial and said, "Oh, I'm just... Looking for my swim suit *Nervously chuckle*" And then when he compliments her, well anything can happen after that. People think Sweetie Belle is flat here because how the audience sees she reacts to the situation is flat. That's that.

"All I recall of him is that he came off as a stubborn jerk IMO, so I pretty much wrote him as a potential stand-in for the reader."

I can't don't know about your fanbase, fam, but I'm pretty sure most of them cannot related not muscley chads who can seduced instantly seduce inexperienced girls

On the topic of Rumble, TBH, your logic seems bizarre. If you don't care about Rumble, then why write him like this? Write him as a character you would care about. You say that that he's a potential stand- in, but he's unrelatable. Well, some people are like that, but that's besides the point. When the story centers around those two meat meshers, they're super important to the readers

"But then again, outside maybe a dozen characters (And that's if I'm being super generous) I'm not convinced anyone in MLP has much depth, sorry. To me they're mostly written as inconsistent joke receptacles on the show and most nuance prescribed to them is entirely head-canon. Sweetie doesn't strike me as a very well developed character in canon, Rumble incredibly less so. In fact, I'd argue this lack of depth is part of the show's appeal, allowing people to endlessly fill in the blanks."

Mostly written as inconistent joke recepticales, do you mean that sometimes they're actual characters some of the time? Because I don't disagree with that statement. Most of the show is fluff afterall, but it still manages to hit the emotional beats quite well with compelling characters every episode, even though they can be somewhat inconsistent at times. They're often inconsistent because writers have different ideas on what the characters are, and remembering so much stuff about what other writers did is difficult, and sometimes they just couldn't write all of the mane 6. Season 1 and 2 were prime examples of that. But even within those season, there are some important consistencies: Rainbow Dash has a big ego and learns to evolve over time, Applejack has to balance being honest and a people pleaser, Pinkie is in her head a lot and is overconcerned about her friends and everyone, and Fluttershy is shy and sweet. There's plenty of stuff not mentioned in the show, but that's what makes fanfiction so appealing. I'm going off topic too much, but the point is, the chracters being joke recepticles can't carry the show itself, they need a beeping heart to keep the show appealing to the fans

That took way too long

9969619
-I think I showed nearly all those traits for Sweetie listed, albeit on a brief surface level. Kind-hearted and innocent? She's portrayed as a virginal, naive waif here who wants to please a guy. Mischievous? She's sneaking around, streaking, spying. Vain? She brags she's a better lay than her friends and tries to show off her skills during sex. I think the only box I didn't tick was impetuous; this isn't a 'crisis' situation imo so I don't feel a need to go into every last trait she has, as her role here was focused on being hopefully adorable fap fodder. I do think you're right that getting into her head more would make it more enjoyable.

-There is definitely an audience for power fantasy and wish fulfillment; it's actually the most common fantasies for men; see Kratos from the God of War games for example. Now whether someone wishes to identify with this sort of character is a personal preference. I prefer a stand in that's either more sensitive (for a romantic fic) or sadistic (for dark/horror stuff) but neither seemed appropriate for Rumble imo.

I wanted them mostly to be lust driven older teens with a shallow attraction, engaging in a one night no strings stand. Also, notice Rumble does back off and obeys Sweetie's wishes during sex, so I don't consider him some Uber Chad here; my idea is he's mainly putting on a front which fools inexperienced girls (even him laying out his 'tragic backstory' is something I saw as a tactic to seduce her); I'd like to figure he'll eventually mature and realize he was a selfish jerk who'll learn to treat his partners more equally. (I figure that's the real reason his old relationships fell apart; that he didn't take his partners needs into account enough.)

Of course this is why I intentionally write thin sometimes; I'm always trying to leave parts of my story open to interpretation, as that's my preference in fiction, but I often wind up at frustratingly vague or flat and am trying to hone this skill with every fic. I generally dislike when a story lays out every last detail, removing audience participation, but I know many feel the opposite.

And as for Rumble being unrelatable? My opinion is he was shown as such to us on the show. He can't be right about cutie marks or it would destroy the show's ideals, thus he wasn't in a position to be rooted for to begin with. He's simply an obstacle so the five year old audience can learn an afterschool special lesson; pretty much the definition of a flat character imo.

9970375
I'm delighted we're converging on the same page. Just now, it feels like the puzzle pieces of what do to do with Sweetie Belle are coming together neatly.

Of course this is why I intentionally write thin sometimes; I'm always trying to leave parts of my story open to interpretation, as that's my preference in fiction, but I often wind up at frustratingly vague or flat and am trying to hone this skill with every fic. I generally dislike when a story lays out every last detail, removing audience participation, but I know many feel the opposite.

It feels like the goal here is to engage audience, but you usually to underwhelm them by taking out too much detail. If you're so adverse to putting too much detail, may I suggest facing your fears and try to intentionally do that in the rough draft. An excess of detail in the draft is better than too little detail. Because when you revising and editting, substracting too much detail is easier than to add detail

Is Rumble relatable? If so, what could possibly be relatable about them? We're looking for experience that connects the character to people

Rumble has his first major character role in Marks and Recreation, in which he doesn't want to get a cutie mark because he believes it limits one's possibilities to just one thing, and convinces the other attendees at the Cutie Mark Crusaders' cutie mark day camp to think the same way. With help from the Cutie Mark Crusaders and his older brother Thunderlane, Rumble learns that cutie marks do no such thing and that, despite his eventual cutie mark, he can still pursue multiple interests, including his dream of becoming a Wonderbolt.

Have you ever felt that if you commit yourself to one profession, that you'll limit yourself from other opportunities? I can't dig in your head to know that, but many people have that same experience. They feel as if they'll stuck themselves if they choose one, so they tried to do none of it. It's a shared experience we all have, and that's what makes Rumble relatable in that episode

9970908
-I agree overdoing detail would be a better idea. My stories are usually very first draft (I usually only revise to fix typos), which is why is a reason why they don't reach their potential, although I do tend to put more craft into the fics that come entirely from my mind. Mostly these short clop fics are thank yous to readers, but I do feel bad when one turns out poorly, and don't want to phone them in.

Sadly, I find myself struggling when I'm asked to write characters that don't inspire me, and should have researched Rumble a bit more; Sweetie was tricky but came to me a little more naturally, although I assumed interiority wasn't need much anymore once they got their freak on.

-Again, the problem with Rumble is the audience clearly knows he's blatantly 100% wrong, so imo no he's not relatable as presented in his debut. Tramp stamps that magically tell you your absolute destiny draw poor parallels to reality. I had a similar problem with Trouble Shoes in his episode, and to me they're both examples of weak writing on the show, but I suspect this is where I'm going to have to agree-to-disagree with lots of the community.

If anything to redeem Rumble I'd probably focus on his relationship with Thunderlane; similarly Sweetie's relationship to Rarity was what made her my favorite CMC, as it was something I connected to with my won little sister as I didn't always appreciate her.

Hmm, think that about covers all I really have to say on my story, which I'd rate mediocre in the list of things I've done, but hope most of my audience enjoyed it. Thanks for taking the time to review it!

9970927
You welcome, mate. I appreciate for taking your time to listen to my perspective and displaying competent self-awareness. Society needs more people like you

Bunghole usually means butthole, I think. Could have done more with anal and rimming I think.

9973476
Indeed, there wasn't as much as originally intended!

She looked back at him while he continued to rail her. “You fucked my friends?” He nodded sheepishly and she giggled. “It's fine. I know you saved the best for last! I'll show you I'm a much better lay!”

Saving the best for last indeed!