Seven years before Twilight Sparkle, a curious creature arrives in Ponyville. How will they react to each other and this strange new world?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I hope Doug gets some cargo pants in this story. They are simply the best when you need to carry around many different things.
9859933
I need more keep up the good work.
Not a bad start.
9862211
Thanks!
This getting me hyped (no rush).
Oh my! The last bit, where Fluttershy realizes he isn't an animal, and then panics, is actually pretty funny!
I'm going to stick with this for a while. The grammar's good, the pace is fine, and I like the pony-to-pony interaction. But I've encountered one of my biggest turn-offs that is depressingly common in human-in-equestria stories: the human is totally cool with a talking horse. Mild surprise and then casual conversation seems like a much less human reaction than I'd expect. I don't want him to run around screaming his head off about talking horses for 20 chapters, but I'd expect at least SOME sort of reaction from him.
So far, Doug has adapted almost immediately. Unnaturally quickly, in fact. He showed no signs of embarrassment when he encountered another thinking creature that can talk in full sentences; once he confirmed that nudity was apparently the norm, any emotions or feelings of embarrassment brought on by being brought up in a culture where nudity was taboo were out the window. And frankly, he noticed Applejack's "bits" too quickly for my taste. He just appeared in a strange land far away from home, he's naked, he found a horse that can talk... and he's busy checking out what she has under her tail? No panic? No confusion? Nothing that would get in the way of him just casually being attracted to a member of another species? I have no problem with pony-fucking, because I wouldn't be here if I did. But I can tell you right now that even if I personally found myself in a world of talking horses, admiring their undercarriage would be real damn low on my list of priorities.
He has expertly predicted pony mannerisms to an extremely boring degree. He showed not panic or alarm at being addressed by another small horse, having apparently made his peace with his new existence in about... three-and-a-half minutes since he arrived in Equestria. In fact, he's so in-tune with the new world around him that he doesn't even get confused or struggle with how gestures work for a species without fingers; he just holds out a fist for that pony to bump as though he's been interacting with them his entire life. And of course, he's already correctly guessed the names that these aliens call their boys and girls. And going back to the embarrassment vis a vis nudity thing again - he encountered what he recognizes as a horse-child, and he still makes no attempt to cover up. No instincts, no discomfort, just a cool and calculated acceptance of new cultural norms that he slips into effortlessly. Hell, he's so comfortable and calm that he even has the presence of mind to recognize someone gently teasing him. He's taken to this new world like a fish to water, for no apparent reason.
This should take weeks. It should take months. It should not, at the VERY least, be the very first day that Doug finds himself in Equestria that he is this comfortable with his new reality of nudity, being stolen away from home, interacting with talking horses, and encountering their society.
I can say that I like most of the other aspects of the story, and I want to read this to the end. But the very first interaction that the human had with the ponies irks me like nothing else.
9991985
Thanks for the compliments, and the long comment! It's certainly a tough balancing act between pants-shitting terror (except he has no pants) and the cool and calculated lack of reaction. So far, a lot of what he is doing is merely copying them. Applejack doesn't react in terror, so he stays calm. The filly raises a hoof, he does the same (ish). He's naked... he checks to see if the ponies are, too, because I sure would be afraid of breaking that law if it wasn't the case. Is that what a 'typical' human reaction is? Hell if I know. But he stays calm because freaking out sure wouldn't help, and tries to adapt because he sure ain't in Kansas any more.
IMO, the Mane 6 are older in your story than they are in the show (mid to late teens in the pilot)
Great story so far doug! Im pretty new to the site so i dont know how well written or not most of the stories are here.. But compared to the fanfic ive read on different sites this story starts out really good 👍. You already have me looking forward to the next chapters.
9992036
I think the problem I have with that comment is we don't see/ hear much, if any of that in the story. There is little in the way of internal monologue, so we can't really hear his thought processes. Being perfectly honest, if this were me, I'd be a bit more body conscious/ bashful, than this fellow, though I am impressed with how well he's kept his composure. I hope I could.
10199971
A fair point. I think the cause is I stray too far into the 'show' part when I bother to describe those things at all (and could stand to explain/express more of the world around him and his reactions). I'll cut sentences (or more) that I feel are too 'telly', and instead leave a lot up to one's imagination. Oftentimes when I read I skim over large sections of exposition and description, and that carries over to my writing.