• Member Since 28th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Saturday

Trevor Rain


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"You want to know the Child of Color legend? Not the most popular of my requests, but if your bits are good, I'll do my best to recall it. Sit down, get comfortable, it takes some time to tell. It's one of those legends that talk about the love of two and the tragedy that brings curse to the land. Really, the two lovers are the focus of the story, I don't know why the legend is named after their child. Let's start the story with the Pegasus..."

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 11 )

Very good. Very well written. The ending brought a tear to my eye, well done. I did notice one or two little mistakes though, such as you said when describing the gryphons: Head, talons, and wings of an eagle. Their body and haunches were that of an eagle. I think you meant lion for that second one. And you changed tenses once or twice, not enough to distract me from the story though. All in all, one hell of a story. Very good. Like and favourite from me. :moustache:

1087954 Thank you, I'll work to fix those right away. I'm happy you enjoyed the story. :twilightsmile:

Never hesitate to tell me of a tense change, they're embarrassing. :facehoof: (Unless I do it on purpose, which at the end, the shift to present tense was. Changed from telling a story, to current events)

Did the daughter die or did the gryphons take her back to Equestria. srry im alittle incompedent but um just a lil confuesed:derpyderp2: srry

1088416 Yeah, it took me a minute to get the bit about the pony listening to the old storyteller, but then I remembered the description.

1088537 Yep, it's supposed to be a mystery. I'll still look back to see if I didn't just make it confusing, rather than questioning.

Very good origin story. Sure there were a few misspellings here and there but they weren't bothersome to a point where it distracted from the story.:derpytongue2:
I would've preferred the main characters to have more character but it's fine. All in all, it's was a solid story. Well worth the time. :twilightsmile:

I thought this was well done. There were a couple awkward phrases here and there, but nothing that distracted from the story itself. One thing I like is how you leave a lot to the reader's imagination, such as the details of what happened with the daughter and the gryphons. My favorite thing you do here comes at the end, when you focus on the daughter, who seems at that moment to be the point of the story...then pull the reader's attention away from her, back to the parents...then finally pull back and reveal that it the story was being told to her about her parents. (So that it felt like, to us, she might be the heart of the story, but to her, they were.) I thought that was brilliant, and it really gave the scene an extra layer of emotion.

Great job.:twilightsmile:

1091641 Thank you for your comment. It's possible I'll give them more characterization in the future.

I just need to keep reading these comments to give me motivation to keep writing. It's apprecated.

1096699 I don't know why I never replied to this, very rude of me. I apologize.

I'm glad you caught that at the end because it was my full intention to do that. The idea was to show a myth or legend through one who looked for that one specifically and found the person who was willing to tell it. Though using the description is a frowned upon way of adding to the story, I thought I'd take the risk in this case. Still surprises me how such a short fiction came with so many positive responses.

Thank you. :twilightsmile:

2057154 You're quite welcome!:twilightsmile: (Hope you're feeling better.)

2057155 Much actually. I took a trip to the library yesterday and knocked out two more pages of the ending. Right now I'm working on my Audiobook project. Still got a few days more of these antibiotics, but I'll be more than fine before long (and writing like a madman!).

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