Planning and corruption
Pinkamena awoke, shaking her head and trying to get the feeling of grogginess away. She stepped out of her beaten tent and looked up to the sky. The moon was still there, but it’s light was fading; the sun getting ready to take it’s place. She spotted an apple tree a few steps away from the tent.
She lifted her hind legs and thrusted them towards it, a few apples fell from it onto the dying leaves below. She picked one of them up and examined it; it smelled rotten and was a bitter brown color. Her stomach began to growl and she sighed. She took a bite out of the apple, expecting the worst.
The mare rolled the pieces around her tongue a few times, trying to determine it’s flavor. It tasted like sour broccoli, but she scrunched her face and continued eating. The hunger was too strong to ignore, she ate a few more until the taste finally got to her and she threw the apples away.
She moved to sit beside the fire that was still dimly lit. It’s tiny flames sending little sparks in all directions almost like a beautiful dance. She continued to stare at them, thinking to herself.
‘I can’t believe this went so wrong... Twilight should’ve been so easy! She’s nothing, but a bookworm, it’s all Rainbow’s fault! I can’t go after her yet, she would easily defeat me. After all she is an athletic pony. Who is weakest out of us all...’
The sadistic pony began to grin, her face twisted into a maniac’s smile, her eyes glowing with malice.
*******
A yellow pegasus was sitting in her cottage, staring out her window at the moon falling down. A little rabbit lay half asleep beside her, she was stroking his fur and singing to him.
“Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to lay your sleepy head. Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to bed...” The pegasus sung in a soft timid voice. She repeated this until he fell asleep, she lifted the little rabbit and laid him down on his bed.
She moved to her couch and sat down, closing her tired, sleep deprived eyes.
‘I really hope Pinkie is okay... I wonder where she went, is she safe or maybe she’s all alone with none of her friends? How did this happen...
She got off her couch and proceeded upstairs, her head half dipping as she walked the stairs to her room. She opened her door and climbed into her bed.
SMASH
Fluttershy lifted her head, her eyes widened and she began to shake. She jumped out of bed, trying to move herself to her bedroom door, but her hooves wouldn’t move. She just stood there, her entire body shaking.
THUMB, THUMB, THUMB
Something was on the stairs.
Rattle, rattle, rattle
The doorknob began the shake.
The frightened mare began moving towards the corner of her room, she fell into the corner and hid her face between her hooves.
Creak, creak, creak
Something was moving towards her, it stopped right in front of the shaking mare. She could feel a hot breath on her face, she squinted through her eyes.
“Hello Fluttershy...” The voice whispered.
Fluttershy opened her eyes to see a pink pony standing over her and looking into her eyes. She quickly realized who it was and wrapped her hooves around her. Still shaking, she was struggling to hold back tears.
“Oh Pinkie! I was so worried about you! Where did you go? What’s going on?” The pegasus cried out.
The pink mare returned the hug. “Fluttershy...” Pinkamena whispered, she let a single tear fall from her eye. “You’re so innocent, it almost hurts me too do this to you.”
The shaking mare eyes widened, suddenly remembering what her friend had done to Twilight, but it was too late. The crazed mare grabbed the pegasus wing and began twisting it leaving the defenseless pony to scream in pain.
“AHHH Pinkie please no, let me go!” Fluttershy screaming in agony. Pinkamena pulled her in closer, using her wing as grip. “My name is not PINKIE!” Pinkamena screeched causing the scared pony to wince. She kept twisting the wing until a deafening snap was heard.
The yellow mare let out a blood-curdling scream, echoing throughout the cottage, but unhearable to the passersby outside. Pinkamena’s expression was repugnant, and her eyes were mixed with joy and pain. She pushed the crying mare into the corner and began beating her savagely and with no mercy.
She repeatedly struck her face with her hoof, snapping her muzzle and causing blood to splash over the wall behind her and onto her hoof. “HUSH NOW, QUIET NOW IT’S TIME TO LAY YOUR SLEEPY HEAD! HUSH NOW QUIET NOW IT’S TIME TO GO TO BED!” Pinkamena screamed, still continuing her ruthless attack. A wild sadistic grin taking over her face.
Pinkamena lowered hooves and trotted to the bed, she jumped up and sat down on it, trying to calm her breathing. She stared at her blooded hoof, her smile became even wider and a wet fluid dripped down her.
She looked at the sobbing mare in the corner and admired how the blood mixed with her yellow coat. To her it looked beautiful as it ran down her coat. “Fluttershy don’t look so sad, it will all be over soon enough.” Pinkamena said. “Wh-why are you doing this? I never did anything to you.” Fluttershy whimpered.
“That is true, but you are a friend of Pinkies so sadly you have to die. You stupidly befriended that ecstatic pony and brought her joy; which in turn caused me to leave so in a way you have hurt me.”
Pinkamena got off the bed and started to walk slowly towards the fear induced pony. “Please don’t do this... Please come to your senses!” Fluttershy shouted while getting back on her hooves. She was still shaking, but her bloody face had a determined look. She watched as the pink mare continued her advance.
Please don’t do this! Come back to us Pinkie, I’m begging you please! Remember how we used to bake cupcakes or when we went to cheer on Rainbow Dash at the young flyers competition! We always did everything together, we defeated a dragon together, defeated Nightmare moon, Discord and Chrysalis! But most importantly you taught us how to laugh... Do you remember?,”
The sadistic pony stopped in front of her and stared into her eyes.
“So, giggle at the ghostly, guffaw at the grossly, crack up at the creepy, whoop it up with the weepy, chortle at the kooky, snortle at the spooky. And tell that big dumb scary face to take a hike and leave you alone and if he thinks he can scare you then he's got another thing coming and the very idea of such a thing just makes you wanna... hahahaha...heh...” Fluttershy sung in a hoarse voice as little tears ran down her eyes.
She looked through her tear stained eyes and could’ve sworn she seen her old friend behind the corrupted eyes of her attacker...
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Holy Smokers hitting a strawhat in da face !
Something tells me that nopony will die at the end !
Edit : I think you went to fast, it went like : Dammit she's not dead, let's go see Fluttershy ! I found Fluttershy ! Let's kill Fluttershy ! Oh no, she's using a memory spell...Fluttershy !
THY END !
1.bp.blogspot.com/__v16ajx69Mw/ScJ3VZi_cjI/AAAAAAAAEqc/HlVP61Iroiw/s400/Doctor+Who+-+The+Stolen+Earth+TO+BE+CONTINUED.JPG
to be continued..
You may wanna look over this line again.
"She looked through her tear stained eyes and could’ve sworn she seen her old friend behind the corrupted eyes of her attacker..."
She thinks she seen her, but she isn't sure that what I was trying to imply with that line.
So....... I didn't laugh at the beating part. Not even a chuckle. Then again, I was barely paying attention and imagining it, so I can understand that much.
Commenters: You sadistic bastard!
Me; Well, who do you think this is?
(theme starts playing) "Who is a sadist? Who has a playlist? Who is the maniac? Who's never seen a yak?
Firefan! Firefan! The sadist you've come to love!
Firefan! Firefan! The muffin loving, always running, sadist is here!"
Very nice. Just one question is anyone going to die, because thats where i feel this story is going.
1247843
First answer this. How would you feel if one of them died?
1248572 The question is who are you killing.
1250213
Now that would be spoiling even if I decide to kill one of them.
Why?!?!?!
1319311
Too much? You didn't like it?
I can understand... After all Fluttershy is really cute.
1319704 Too much, but my heart belongs to Twilight.
1319915
I'm sorry, I thought I might of taken it too far, but I couldn't help myself...
1319950
: Ya think?
1320840
Yeah... it would be a shame if some one... Oh I don't know... killed her.
I'm simply messing with you
1321303 Next chapter must have some Pinkamena smackdown
1374714 Straight-up battle, PP vs RD, preferably.
VS 
1377428 Even that could go either way, Pinkamena being defeated, or the Mane 5 being defeated. My bit's on the Mane 5 though.
1377555 There will be blood though.
1377591
Blood, forgiveness, salvation, regrets, the pain of forgetting those you once loved? Maybe most of all she just wants redemption for her sins...
1377622 Or she'll turn out like Anakin Skywalker...
1377721
Oh god... you've made my day, thank you.
1377736 You're welcome, my friend. Anakin and Pinkamena has one thing in common: they both have conflicting emotions. Look at him while he was Darth Vader after he found out Padme died.
1385081
I do mean Pinkamena and yes I did see it, but never replied because it was your reply to her, not me, but if you want I can go give a reply now?
Okay, just finished the latest chapter, time for a short review:
Firstly, I think this is an interesting idea. The actual plot is interesting, and I think you have a Coupar of good twists. Now for the part that makes me sound like a basted.
Let's get this out of the way. You really need to consider going through everything you've written so far and doing a overhaul. Quite a lot of the speech and thoughts aren't shortened for any reasons, and in the multipurpose personality extract, there are no paragraphs. That thing is like a ack bold of text, it almostakes my eyes Hurt. That said, you don't really need to do that much to improve this story quite a lot.
Also, I may be slightly Bias. Generally, I like to feel sympathy for pinkema, with here being controlled like a puppet at worse. And as for pinkie herself, I shall forever regard her as crouching moron, hidden badass. These images are so engrained, and thing that goes against them (mostly) makes me less likely to enjoy the fic. All in all, some good ideas, but it could use a little work. Good luck
Still, if pinkema thinks she has it tough, just have a lookie the ought the 4th wall, there's some pretty hear wrenching examples of life's far worse the. Hers *cough*background pony*cough*
I need more
scary but awesome. REALLY 20% COOLER THAN ANY STORY I READ WITH BLOOD THAT'S NOT GUSHY