- Member Since 12th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen April 21st
SunnyDontLook
I write horse words. Sometimes people pay me to.
SunnyDontLook
Joined 12th Sep, 2013 ·
Offline
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I really wanted to like this. It's really the exact type of thing I should and would ordinarily enjoy. That said, there are some issues that really hold this story down for me.
Firstly, I don't know these characters. That in of itself isn't necessarily a flaw (I tend to prefer canon characters I know and recognize, but I do admit that to be a personal thing). The issue lies in how you introduce these characters. In short, you didn't. Nox and Windy are just suddenly there. I don't know who they are, what they look like, or even that they were both stallions at first. Similarly, I don't know what's their relation to our protagonist (Weld? I think that's what he's called, but the fact that I even have to ask, and that his name was said only once, is kinda the problem), nor do I know their relationship to the roommate. I can only assume that these four are friends, but do they fuck often? Are they swingers? Spouse-swappers? Cucks and hotwives? It's exceedingly unclear, and makes the reader more frustrated than engaged.
Secondly, it's just kind of all over the place. The protagonist seems to be more of a dominant in the beginning, judging by the way he parades Cloud around and offers him up as "entertainment", but he also ends up caged and bottoming, which is odd. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a switch (or, if there is, I damn sure don't wanna be right), but that idea is never really introduced. Much like with the introduction of Nox and Windy, it just suddenly happens. That might not seem like a whole lot, but these little things matter. This isn't even getting into the issues I have with the pizza dude (seriously, who the fuck is he? Why is he being so rough to a "mare" he doesn't know?)
I think this story needed another thousand or so words throughout it, to clear things up a bit. You did yourself no favors by writing this story from a first-person perspective (I typically advise against that in general, especially if the audience doesn't know these characters). With this perspective, you can only relay information to your audience through the protagonist, which I don't think is ideal for an OC clopfic. I really do believe that a little more time given to this idea, as well as a shift of perspective, could've saved this story for me. As it stands right now, though, the best I can do is commend you on this wonderful set of kinks, which is exactly up my alley.
This story ain't bad, but it just falls short for me.
9471483
I should've elaborated a lot more in the story. I felt kinda rushed because of the length of the commission and the set of characters I was given, who were kind of nebulously related to one another. But I can definitely tell that the first person perspective is limiting to this kind of story. If I write another orgy style story, I'll definitely use the third person, at least for the sex scenes.
But thank you for the long and detailed comment, that kind of feedback helps a lot! As another writer, you know that. Anyhow, um, I hope you might check out some of my other stories, one of which I'll be posting in the future, and it's a lot more detailed. Also, it involves cucking and bulls and such.
9471502
Trust me, I know all about the boundaries of commissions. I find it's a double-edged sword; whereas some fantastic ideas would never have come to me without someone paying me to write it, I similarly think that some of my worst work are commissions. That's just how it goes when you don't have 100% control of the idea. I try not to judge writers by their commissions, because I know if I was judged by the things I was paid to write, I'd have no followers.
So, I don't typically throw around follows unless I've really been wowed, just a policy of mine, but... I'm a big fan of cuckoldry, something that isn't explored anywhere near enough for my taste. And you weren't a dick about being criticized like a lot of people are, so...
Fuck it, I'll keep an eye on you.
9471508
That makes me happy, and I'm always happy to have constructive criticism. Thanks for the follow I'll probably post a cuckolding story I have in my archives in the next week or so.
Of course it is for you two
!
Nice and rather funny read
.
9475440
I'm glad you liked it.
9476162
!
Sure did
Damn, I missed that one got to keel in touch with your stories.
9567215
Well, I made a new discord server for my stories and stuff! And I plan on pinging people whenever I post a new story or update. That might help you keep up! And I'd love for my fans to join the server in general.
Here's the link: https://discord.gg/eJGw93A
This story was really cute. You can never go wrong with cute stallions. I really do wonder what cider in Equestria would taste like, though.
ok i just absolutely love the idea of being shared by my boyfriend like cloud is in this one.