- Member Since 12th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Sunday
SunnyDontLook
I write horse words. Sometimes people pay me to.
SunnyDontLook
Joined 12th Sep, 2013 ·
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It was an interesting story, keep it up.
9187410
Thank you!
And I intend to!
Well, this is the first story I get to read about Jade Shine on this site...
Your talent for First Person Writing never ceases to amaze me. I didn't used to like that style, yet you've become one of my favorite authors using it by sheer skill. A great story to read on one's birthday as well.
Best ending ever, 10/10
9187568
That’s so so nice to hear! I love to think that i’ve gotten good at first person!
Happy birthday as well!
Bright Idea is going to freak over this bright idea.
The story was eh, okay, but you did a really good job leading up to the climactic scene, which was pretty awesome. Sex in an elevator is a classic cliche, but a great excuse to get things moving that would otherwise have been blocked by external circumstances. The notion of heat in sapient creatures is a pretty tantalizing idea, since it's so much fun and takes some of the burden of responsibility away. Honestly I think that's why humans have so much sex drunk, because alcohol sure doesn't make sex any better, but we can't exactly experience that loss of control to our own nature that Jade felt.
Buuuut I dunno if Jade would be embarassed to death about porn. Far as I can tell, her greatest fear is that she's too sexual, worried that she'll drive people away with her fixation on it. Finding porn embarassing is a convenient character trait to show the change between not-heat and heat, but I'm not sure it works for Jade Shine in particular. She'd always been comfortable with other ponies being sexual, since it validates her own feelings. Her problem's the fear that others aren't sexual (at least not towards her), and she'll upset them if they find out she wants it.
Just a nitpick, really. I was surprised at that particular characterization of that particular pony. Otherwise it was pretty spot-on Jade.
9187786
Noted!
These OCs look kind of familliar...
9188513
Shakespearicles senpai read my story! Holy shit that makes me so happy!
Also that song is very prescient.
You need to edit this.
There are parts of the story which do not have proper paragraph breaks. The fact that these tend to occur in blocks, and that it's obvious that you used single carriage returns at the end of the paragraphs (but didn't indent) leads me to suspect that the problem originated when you wrote part of this story in one text editor and parts in another, and one of the text editors couldn't pass proper paragraph breaks to the other.
Some of your paragraphs are run-on. Generally speaking, you should start a new paragraph when there is either a change of subject or a change of action by that subject. Long paragraphs are okay when neither occurs, or when it's a quick action-reaction-action sequence (as in a fight where one guy punches another and the other guy reacts to the hit and the first guy follows up). It's wise to use long paragraphs only sparingly, to avoid confronting the reader with a wall of text.
Unless the POV character is entirely passive, avoid using the passive voice save for very specific effects. In fact, even when the POV character is entirely passive, you can stay in active voice by switching the subject to the force acting upon her. ("The shower splashed me" as opposed to "I was splashed by the shower.") An example of complete passivity for effect would be ("I was buffeted by the storm") where the passive voice emphasizes the POV character's helplessness.
Possibly more later.
There are also other minor editing problems. Proper nouns should always be capitalized: thus "Equestria" instead of "equestria" and "Bright" (as a name) rather than "bright." There are points where you obviously changed a sentence in part but not in whole, such as "The massage was went tits up ..." which should be "The massage went tits up" (dropping the was which would have connected to some earlier original verb for which you substituted "went").
We've all made those sorts of mistakes. It just needs more editing there.
As to Jade Shine's personality ...
... Yeah. She was pretty much like that in the blog from which she came. Poor self-esteem, crippling social anxiety, and a tendency to express her sexuality either by crawling under her own mane or by sudden explosive outbursts of promiscuity.
Which is to say, an emotional mess. Made worse, in this case, by heat.
I did like a lot of the concepts in the story. Your idea of how heat works (I have Ponies call it Cycling), and how Ponies normally try to alleviate the effects is similar to how it works in my verse. I like the notion of calling a dildo a "Cooler" (obviously, because it cools down a mare). I also like how rut made all the stallions in the elevator irrationally competitive (and that they were able to control it to some extent).
This was fun and entertaining, I think I liked Bright clam slamming Jade the most. Still no clue why she would wear a wing holder though, nor what its purpose is.
9188779
She is in heat, Wing boners are a thing.
9188779
9188809
In the original version of the Jade Shine comic, she wore them for some unspecified reason, which she would not divulge to anypony. She seemed to be afraid to fly, rather like Fluttershy but worse.
I approve of this Clop.
9189732
Thank you!
9189665
Ah, the old Jade comic
That was an old memory, been years since it.
9188779
9189665
The nominal purpose of the wing-binder is as a standard piece of protective equipment for pegasus repair ponies - keeping the wings in place so they don't get caught in dangerous machinery or in the way of power tools, etc etc.
Jade wears it for that reason, but also because she has a weird quirk where she prefers to live on the ground like an earth pony. She's not afraid of flying, just has a small mostly unconscious bias towards preferring earth and unicorn ponies (especially earth ponies) because her upbringing involved a lot of unfriendly pegasus factory workers being grumpy around her.
9188774
Yeahh, I was pretty pleased with how Jade was presented in this story tbh. Her personality has shifted a little since what it used to be on her blog. She's got less social anxiety but just as much social awkwardness. She's less of an emotional trainwreck and more of an excitable tomboy who responds poorly to stress (by over-talking and appearing to be nervous/flushed). She tends to be pretty open and honest, and even friendly and talkative, but sometimes puts her hoof in her mouth by speaking her mind too candidly.
9188513
Holy shit I haven’t heard this song in years
9190223
I figured they were there for an actual purpose. I can understand them being used if needing to work in a cramped place where feathers could get easily caught in machinery.
Oh.....OH.....OH HO HO, That ain’t good.
Will shit 😨
I was hoping for her friend Bright Idea down in the lobby to be disappointed and all judgey with her.
9189930
Where can I find the Jade comic?Nevermind.Wait, where can I really find it?