Small Inquiries
Small Inquiries
Spike trudged up the path through Sweet Apple achers up to the farm house.
He felt guilty, each and every one of his co-workers offered their condolences to Sin's loss, even Ax. Each of them took his resignation in stride and Jacker told him that if he ever wanted to come back, he'd need only ask. Which was lucky, since Spike did plan to return home after speaking with Brute.
Didn't make it any easier to see the disappointment in their eyes for two co-workers lost, though. Blade and Chopper were probably the most broken up, even if the latter hid it better. Blade tried to make a few jokes about the situation, inappropriate jokes that anypony with any sense of decency would have found tasteless, but the crew knew him better than that. He'd made an off color comment about how it was supposed to be the mill that did one of his friends in, chuckling desperately all the while.
Nopony laughed, but they all understood. Comedy and poking fun was his main way of coping with anything and everything.
Spike knocked on the door and waited. Granny opened up after a moment and bid the drake a good morning. "Sorreh, but Macintosh's restin' in bed right now."
"That's okay, I'm actually here to see Annabelle."
Surprised but still accepting, Granny allowed him in and directed Spike to the mare in the living room.
"Hey Spike, how are you today?" The buttermilk mare asked, smiling sympathetically.
"As well as can be." He reiplied. "Hey, do you know where I can find that dragon that worked at your show? The one from the circus?"
"Brute?" Anna asked helpfully before pondering. "Well, honestly, I'm not really sure where he is."
Spike tilted his head. Anna explained that the entire circus was currently on off time to visit their folks and what not. Winter didn't get them much business, since most ponies like to stay inside where it was warm. It was a little disappointing to hear, after all the trouble he'd gone through to get ready to leave town to find the elder drake, but Spike could only kick himself for not getting asking her before quitting his job.
Seeing the dragon slump, Annabelle offered a bit of information that she knew would cheer him up. "But I know he wouldn't miss my wedding. Mac wanted it to happen before the month was out, but it'll take longer than that for all the invitations to go out."
Wedding? Oh yea, Macintosh did mention that. "When were you guys planning on having it?" Spike asked, a flicker of hope filling his stomach.
"We were talking about it on our way back from Canterlot last night, I'm thinking about the end of April. That way we should both have enough time to get all of our families in town."
Spike recalled a memory of his first day in Ponyville and the army of ponies Applejack had introduced he and Twilight to.
If nothing else, there'd be no shortage of stuff to eat.
The two continued speaking for a little bit about what all the wedding would have planned when an orange pegasus wondered down stairs. Spike eyed Scootaloo for a moment and offered a friendly wave, one she returned awkwardly before continuing on into the kitchen.
"What's Scootaloo doin' here?" He asked, genuinely confused as to the filly's presence. It wasn't so much her presence at all, but it was a school day, he didn't see Applejack letting her sister and her friends play hookie.
The grimace on Annabelle's face told him that such wasn't the case, but she couldn't tell him why. All she could tell him was that the filly was having trouble at home and would be staying at the farm for a few days until the problems were sorted out.
"Sucks to hear."
Anna sighed. "It does, she wont say why she doesn't wanna go home, but it's gotta be pretty bad. Poor thing." Spike watched the mare stare after Scootaloo forelornly with honest and genuine concern. He couldn't stop himself from smiling. She'd make a great mother some day.
'Mac knows how to pick 'em.'
Seeing his business here concluded, Spike excused himself and offered both Annabelle and Granny a fond farewell. He walked out of the house and made way back to town.
His plan to leave town had fallen apart on him since he had no more reason to leave, but he thought about still leaving anyways. Just to get away for a bit. What he'd seen in the door still bothered him, was there a point to it? Was the teen wyrm trying to tell him something important or was it all just a cruel nightmare?
As he mulled the idea over, his thoughts drifted to how Twilight also saw the door and suffered her own torment. Her own worst fears, maybe that was what the door was? Showing ones own worst fears. If that was the case, was he looking too much into it? Maybe, but the letter from Sin brought back the point of focus: His own development.
He couldn't do anything right now, though. Spike still didn't trust himself against his greed, even if his old mentor did. Brute was an older dragon, maybe a century or two, he had to have advice on how to deal with it, right? That would need to wait until the wedding though, and it would be rude to speak to the golden dragon while the wedding was taking place, but how long would he be around for?
'You know that you have no idea, so asking yourself these questions is kinda pointless.'
Spike knew that, but it was just so frustrating! He had all of these ideas and questions, yet no way to answer them.
'Yea, but you've mostly been thinking about these things, right? Maybe you should try talking to somepony about them for once.'
Maybe, but everpony he could speak to was... well... a pony. What would they understand about being a dragon? It was like the letter said, he was a dragon and ponies wouldn't understand what he was going through.
'That's true, but the letter also said not to try and handle everything on your own and open up to your friends.' That was also true, but still... 'Look, I'm not saying Twilight would have the answers, but maybe it would make you feel a little better if you talked about it.'
Twilight huh? Well, she was one of the smartest ponies he knew of, if not the smartest, and the voice had a point. Maybe talking about it would do him some good.
Spike made way to the library and walked inside. Twilight was sitting on the couch with Uppity and two other mares in the common area. One he recognized as Mayor Mare, the other he'd seen around, but couldn't quite pin point her name. The four were in the middle of speaking about some important sounding government stuff and took no notice of his arrival.
"Be that as it may, Ms. Uppity, the city council is under direct order to pass all legislation through Sin prior to any laws, bills or ordinances being passed through City Hall. I'm sorry for his loss, but I need to be able to run my city." Mayor mare said, the cobalt pony beside her nodding in agreement.
"I'm sorry, Mayor, Councilmare, but during my investigation of your budget allocations and actions, Celestia has ordered an imperially sanctioned agent to act as a filter to prevent negligence." Uppity replied respectfully.
The mayor sighed and rubbed her head. "Perhapse Twilight can act as her agent then. She's certainly smart enough to handle such matters."
Twilight nervously declined, stating that she knew next to nothing about politics and that she had no time or interest in acting as the arbiter of city council. Mayor mare tried to plead with her. "Please, Ms. Sparkle, you must do something! Tax season is coming up and the collectors are this close to going on strike because of our previous arbiter's budget cuts!"
"Cuts nothing, Sin slashed the budget!" The cobalt unicorn declared, Mayor Mare nodded in agreement. Still, their pleas were rejected and they turned their attention to Uppity, asking if she could handle the affair, at least until tax season was over.
"I'm sorry, but I need to get back to Canterlot as soon as possible. With the fiasco that happened with the protesters, there a bunch of ponies about to be put on trial and I'll be swamped for the next two months at least."
Both the political mares slumped in disappointment.
"But I know somepony who might be able to help." She offered, making both mares perk up. "I'll see if she's interested when I get back to Canterlot tonight. She's a friend of mine who likes to plan things out and has a superior understanding of economics and social issues. That is, assuming Celestia will allow it, of course."
"That sounds promising." The unicorn said hopefully. "What's her name?"
"Social Justice."
The four mares concluded their business and exited Golden Oaks in short order. Uppity stopping for a brief moment and giving Spike a small apology for his loss. He thanked her and turned to Twilight.
"Hey Spike." She greeted, obviously a little weary from the mornings happenings. "Hope you're doing okay."
He bit his lip and considered if it was right to bring his own problems to her when she obviously had so much on her plate already. "Yea, I'm holding up." It was the vague approach, but it was better than lying.
"Did you need something?"
Do or die time, Spike didn't know why he felt so nervous talking about this. He could trust Twilight, the mare from the door and the mare before him weren't the same. His mother didn't see him as a baby, she'd never mock him, he was getting worked up over nothing.
"Yea, I um..." he hesitated, his mind playing out the cruel smile the door's Twilight gave him. "I..." He clenched his claws. Twilight looked down at him, her face growing concerned. "Can I talk to you for a bit?"
"Of course." She lead him to the dinning area.
Spike took a seat at the table, Twilight went to the cupboard and pulled out some hot coco. It was always the beverage she went to when speaking about a sensitive subject with a friend. He'd always appriciated the gesture, finding a subtle comfort from the brew.
Once the hot cup was before him, offering the delicious and calming fragrance, the drake took a drink and felt his anxieties melt away. Twilight took her own seat, cup in her magic and also took a sip. "So, what's on your mind? You know you can always talk to me."
The mare's words brought him farther comfort, almost completely dispelling his hesitation. It all seemed so silly now, but Spike knew that his anxiety would return full force later on if he didn't confront it here. He recounted what he'd seen in the door. What the warped versions of his friends had said to him, how humiliated and betrayed he'd felt when the called him a baby and turned their backs on him. How desperate and hurt he was when Twilight's doppleganger patronized him, and how disturbed he was to see his teenaged self rip out his own eye ball, proclaiming that he was what the drake really was inside.
Twilight was shaking, her face contorting between a scowl of anger and frown of sympathy. She looked like she wanted to jump over the table and hug him, to comfort him and tell him that everything would be alright, an idea that Spike would mind less and less as his story progressed and the memories became relived. Still, he needed to say his peace and get over it. While what he saw wasn't real, it didn't make it any less disturbing.
"I know it wasn't you, and Mac and Sin, but I just... it hurt, ya know?" He confessed sadly. He wasn't in tears, those had already shed enough of those, but he did feel empty.
"I know," Twilight agreed, looking down. "When Celestia and the girls turned their backs on me, I... I felt like somepony reached into my stomach ripped out everything inside of me. Like I didn't have anything left..." She took a sip of coco, desperately fighting back her tears.
The two sat in quiet, each reflecting on their own experience until Twilight broke the silence again.
"You're not a monster, you know that right?"
For some reason, the question hurt Spike to hear. He knew he wasn't a monster, but that he also wasn't sure. He'd seen what he was capable of as an adult, twice. The dragons of the migration were brutish monsters, taking a defenseless egg and telling him to smash it on the ground. Those wyrms had no morals to them and they were only a few years older than he was. Was that in his nature too? To want to destroy and cause pain just because he could? Or was that part of conditioning? None of them seemed too morally opposed to his assault on the unborn infant, and it sounded like each of them had done something similar even.
What should lead Spike to believe himself so different? The wyrm from the door would have done it, he'd have smashed the egg and probably gobbled up Pee Wee in a second...
"But you didn't." Twilight interjected softly, reaching over and touching Spike's claw with her hoof. "Spike, you stood up to them and protected the egg. You're not like them."
"Not right now." Spike replied, looking down into drained cup of coco. "But when I get older, will I be? I mean, you saw what I did, how aggressive I became. I wanna get older and stronger, but I... I don't want to become like them or like I was..."
"You said the that your teenaged self was the one talking to you, right? Not the adult?"
Spike nodded.
"Why do you think that is? I saw you as a teen, you didn't seem to be a monster then."
His sucked in air through his teeth, he'd never told her about confrontation with Fido, about what had happened to him when he'd... become a monster.
Spike could remember it, he remembered feeling powerful, wrathful, enraged. A feeling of addictive power that both invigorated and terrified him to know he had inside. He wanted to hurt, to rip, slash, tear and gouge. To inflict damage and pain and show that mutt his place.
Remembering it brought bile up to his throat, he didn't want to become that. Spike would rather be the giant rampaging beast again before ever succumbing to that that rage again. So much blood on his claws, he could remember the smell.
What small part of him that was that thing, that... demon, felt good about it. Spike became all to aware of it now. He'd spent so much time trying to black it out, to forget that it ever happened, but as he recounted the events to his mother, it became all to real again.
The large dog, pleading for his life. The stink of blood, sweat and fear. The exileration of power, the hunt, the fight, the contest of wills and power. Spike was thankful Fido was smart and retreated to a place he could be kept at bay. If he hadn't, and Spike had gotten hold of him while still in his state of feral rage, the dog wouldn't have survived.
Spike would have killed him. He knew he would have because that's exactly what he wanted to do. Any thoughts of showing the dog what it was like to be helpless were gone at that point, all he could think about was how nice it would be to gut Fido right there in the cave.
"It's funny, ya know?" Spike spoke, his words tainted by a mix of sad laughter, concerning Twilight greatly. "You're a pony, you wouldn't get it. But to me? I just wanted to end him. To rip out his throat and watch him drown in his own blood."
"Spike..."
Spike began shaking, terror rising in his belly as he let his emotions from that day asserted themselves. That small part of him that was feral began seeping into his mind, influencing the memory, tainting his feelings of revulsion into ones of pleasure. His smile grew as he recalled it more vividly. He could feel the disgust he knew was his rational mind begin to mix with the delight of his primitive instinct.
"I mean, he'd disgraced me. Humiliated me in front of my friends and family. You know? He'd made me look and feel so weak and pathetic, I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me." His smile grew to full on mania, giving a soft cackle. "But then I wanted him to suffer, to suffer like he deserved to, and then I wanted him to die. Die a painful death like the trash and scum he was."
"Spike..."
There was no point in talking to him, though. The drake had already lost himself to a maniacle tirade.
"It was absolutely invigorating, Twi. To see him cower before me, knowing that I was superior to him. That I held his life in my claws." He lifted his hand up and squeezed it slowly. "That I had the power to kill him and take everything I wanted. It's how things work in the wild, the wild my kind was born in, the wild that my kind was molded by! Why shouldn't I take what's his? I'm stronger, faster, better. It's mine by right of the jungle, survival of the fittes-"
"SPIKE!" SMACK.
The drake was much more aware now, his cheek stung like nopony's business, but he could at least control himself.
He turned back and saw the mare he loved crying, looking at him with eyes that begged for him to stop. He regained his barings, forcing the primitive influence from his mind and back to it's little corner where it belonged.
"Twi... I'm scared."
The mare pulled him into a crushing hug and whispered sweet words of comfort. It didn't help, Spike had already felt the wyrm inside of him. It was there, it was really there! He didn't want to accept it, that that thing was apart of him, but how could he deny it now? Now that he'd felt it all over again?
It terrified him, it terrified him to think about what the wyrm coming back. He didn't want it to.
He was a good dragon, he wanted to help and protect those weaker than himself, not rule and lord over them.
The thing, his primitive side, it was wrong. It was wrong and he wanted it to go away.
"Please don't ever do that again, Spike." Twilight begged, squeezing him for all he was worth. "If thinking about it makes it happen, than don't think about it anymore. Just... please don't."
Despite how scared he was and despite how terrible he felt for making the lavender mare he cherished cry, Spike felt better. He felt... accepted in some aspect. Like his anxieties weren't unjustified anymore and had been confronted. Still though, even if he could take comfort in knowing he challenged his fears, he couldn't deny that he'd ultimately lost to them.
A loss that might have more devastating consequences if he tried facing them again.
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My respect to the workers of the mill. Especially to Jacker.
Understandable.
My exact reaction.
Yeeeeah. That was not a very smart idea.
A fully grown dragon near ponyville.....? ohohohoho. I would LOVE to see how Ponyville would to react to this.
That's one way of seeing it.
Oh shit....school....I forgot about that.
Very true~
Maybe. But it does help to organize your thoughts.
Who can he talk to though? Twilight maybe?
I agree.
Oh joy, this should be fun.
That would be a dream come true, because the citizens can keep more of their money. Oh that would be a good day.
"
I wish you blessings Uppity.
Ah shit
......I foresee bad things coming.
So, when in doubt, hot coco?
What an agonizing way to visualize how one feels.
Good question
I thought she already knew.
I remember. I was very pissed with Spike at the time.
Oh jeez.
A good smack. Works every time.
It looks like Spike is fighting the toughest enemy in his life. Against himself. That brute feller might be the only individual that can actually help him. As for the Twilight crying.... I always get sad when she cries, like when a knife stabs my heart......*inhale, exhale*.
No, that can't be good.
Spike...... I think she is, too.
Ok.....April can't come to Ponyville soon enough.