Prince Charmless

by Alabenson

The Worst Night Ever

“Alright, so let’s go over everything one more time,” Twilight said as she paced back and forth across the floor of Carousel Boutique.

“Come on, Twilight, we’ve been over the plan like a dozen times already, I’ve got it. Besides, I basically just have to make Blueblood as miserable as possible. I could do this in my slee-OW! Watch it!” Rainbow Dash yelped before glaring irritably at Rarity.

“So sorry, darling,” Rarity apologized as she levitated away the pin she had accidently stuck her friend with. “It’s just this dress needs to be ready for tonight and its proving to be somewhat tricky.”

“It’s supposed to be an ugly dress, just throw something together! How hard could that possibly be?” Rainbow Dash asked incredulously.

“Darling, this dress needs to be more than just merely ‘ugly’! It needs to be horrendous in just the right way to make Prince Blueblood embarrassed to even be seen with you! Last season’s most dated and garish design sensibilities in a color that perfectly clashes with your mare and coat. A dress that screams ‘this mare wants to be seen as fashionable but utterly lacks the taste and sophistication to pull it off’.”

“Wow, you’re getting way more into this than I thought you would,” Rainbow Dash admitted.

“Well, to be honest I look at it as an interesting challenge. Anypony could have simply made an awful dress, but to create something perfectly terrible that somepony could still believably wear, that takes time and genius.”

“Yes, it’s a very nice dress,” Twilight said absentmindedly. “Well, I don’t mean ‘nice’ as in it looks nice, it honestly looks horrible, but that’s the idea, so…you know what I mean! Anyway, I still think we should go over our plan for this evening. After all, a horrible dress probably won’t be enough to get rid of Prince Blueblood on its own. So, let’s start with dinner at Le Balle de Foin.”

“I’m actually kinda looking forward to that part,” Rainbow Dash admitted. “That place is the most expensive place in Ponyville, I’d never be able to afford to eat there normally.”

“Which is why you’re going to make it clear to Prince Blueblood that he’ll be paying before you arrive,” Rarity said firmly. “If that miserable skinflint balked at paying for an apple fritter than having to pay for a meal at Le Balle should certainly set his teeth on edge.”

“Uh huh, yeah, I get it. And during dinner I’ll use the wrong fork, have lousy table manners…basically just ask myself ‘what would Pinkie Pie do?’”

“Well, that’s not exactly how I would have phrased it, but essentially, yeah,” Twilight replied.

“And then I do the same thing at the concert, and if all else fails I’ll just shove Blueblood into a mud puddle or something. Trust me, Twilight, I’ve got this. There is no possible way Blueblood will want to keep chasing me after I’m through with him tonight.”

*********

During his stay in Ponyville, Prince Blueblood had taken up residence in a small inn near the center of town. The nameless inn failed to live up to Prince Blueblood’s standards in every way, of course, and Prince Blueblood made that fact clear to the inn’s proprietress repeatedly. The innkeeper, an earth pony mare named Dew Drop, would have much preferred that Prince Blueblood find some other place to stay at. However, as it so happened Dew Drop’s inn was still the only such establishment in Ponyville, leaving Prince Blueblood with no other alternative but to make the best of things in his own way.

“-and that, Miss Drop, is why you should replace the pedestrian cotton sheets you have in your rooms with proper linen ones as soon as possible,” Prince Blueblood finished with an air of authority.

“Thank you, your highness, I’ll certainly take that into consideration,” Dew Drop said through tightly clenched teeth. “Didn’t you say you had a date with Rainbow Dash tonight? Shouldn’t you be getting ready? Up in your room? Away from me?”

“I appreciate your concern, Miss Drop, but I’ve already taken care of everything I need to. After all, when you’re as magnificent as myself it doesn’t take nearly the effort you’d think to maintain perfection.”

As Dew Drop turned away to roll her eyes and weighed the wisdom of responding, the door to the inn swung open. “All right, I’m here.” Rainbow Dash declared without much enthusiasm. “Let’s just get this over with.”

Dew Drop perked up right away at the sound of Rainbow Dash’s voice, if for no other reason than the fact that it meant that Prince Blueblood would soon be out of her mane. “Rainbow Dash, it’s so nice…to see…you…” The words died on Dew Drop’s lips as she actually saw Rainbow Dash and more importantly what she was wearing. “Um, I know I’m not exactly Rarity or anything when it comes to fashion, but what in Princess Celestia’s name you wearing?”

“What, don’t you like it?” Rainbow Dash asked with a smirk as she tried to gauge Prince Blueblood’s reaction to Rarity’s ‘crime against fabulosity’. The dress was the approximate color of a molten orange creamsicle with silver accents running along its length. Much to Rainbow Dash’s irritation the dress was anything but aerodynamic, seemingly consisting entirely of endless layers of ruffles and lace.

“My dear Rainbow Dash, you look…” Prince Blueblood began as he seemed to struggle to find the right words.

“Awful? Hideous? Like a lumpy pile of orange sherbet?” Rainbow Dash thought hopefully.

“Absolutely stunning!” Prince Blueblood declared, much to the confusion of everypony else present. “My dear, you’re the picture of doing elegance. Now, shall we?” Prince Blueblood said as he extended a hoof towards Rainbow Dash.

“Well, here goes nothing,” Rainbow Dash thought to herself as she allowed Prince Blueblood to lead her out the door.

*********

“-so then Daring Do flew out one of the tower’s windows with the scepter clenched in her teeth as the whole place collapsed to the ground,” Rainbow Dash said as she finished related the plot of Daring Do and the Tower of the Forgotten King. This was item number four on Twilight’s checklist of tactics to dissuade Prince Blueblood; talking incessantly about subjects he would have no interest in. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be working, at least if the continuing look of stupefied adoration in Prince Blueblood’s eyes was anything to go by.

“I already knew you were a magnificent athlete, but I had no idea you were so well-read as well,” Prince Blueblood said in a fawning tone. “I’ll have to look into these ‘Daring Dune’ novels myself.”

“Uh huh,” Rainbow Dash said, not bothering to correct him on the name before quickly changing the subject. “Hey, look! That’s the restaurant up ahead. Man, it’s going to be so nice to be able to eat at this place without having to worry about the bill,” Rainbow Dash added with a slight smirk.

“Whatever do you mean by – oh,” Prince Blueblood gulped as he realized the implication of what Rainbow Dash was saying. “Er, I mean, of course you wouldn’t have to worry about paying tonight. You’re in the company of one of the most important members of Canterlot’s nobility, after all,” Prince Blueblood said nervously.

Rainbow Dash silently cheered at Prince Blueblood’s obvious discomfort at his realization that he’d be hoofing the bill for the evening. Le Balle de Foin was notorious in Ponyville for being exorbitantly expensive and Rainbow Dash was going to enjoy seeing how high she could drive up the bill.

As Prince Blueblood and Rainbow Dash stepped into the restaurant, they were greeted by a stern-faced, rail thin stallion. “Welcome to Le Balle de Foin,” the stallion intoned in a think Prench accent. “Do you have a reservation?”

“Yes, we have dinner reservations for two. They should be under Prince Blueblood.” As Prince Blueblood replied he put a particular emphasis on his title, as if he were daring the maître d’ to challenge him.

The maître d’ glanced between Prince Blueblood and Rainbow Dash, lingering with disapproval on Rainbow Dash’s dress, before then looking down at the restaurant’s reservation book. “Ah, of course,” he finally replied in a far more conciliatory tone. “Please, step right this way. A server will see you to your table.” The table in question turned out to be a small candlelit affair, each of its place settings boasting a half dozen forks and spoons. Of more immediate interest to Rainbow Dash, however was the menu. The moment Rainbow Dash sat down she immediately picked up the menu and started scanning it for the most expensive items possible. “I’ll have the carrot saffron soup to start with and then the grilled asparagus with white truffle sauce,” Rainbow Dash said after a moment’s thought.

“Excellent selections. And you, sir?” the waiter asked. Prince Blueblood, however, was somewhat distracted by the growing realization that this was going to be a very expensive evening.

*********

“The order for table seven is ready to go out.” In stark contrast to the serene sophistication of its seating area, the interior of Le Balle de Foin was a riot of activity. Truffle Oil, the restaurant’s head chef, was constantly prowling past the various cooking stations, doing his best to ensure that each dish was flawless. In all the chaos, however, certain details sometimes slipped through unnoticed. Details, such as a certain sea foam green pegasus busser slipping in.

“So, Rainbow Dash is on a hot date with a prince?” Lightning Dust muttered to herself as she watched for Rainbow Dash’s order while trying to look busy. “Well, if she wants it hot, then wait until she gets a taste of this Cowcuttan Shadow Pepper extract.”

“Carrot saffron soup and braised artichoke hearts for the VIPs at table 12!” Hearing her opportunity, Lightning Dust bolted across the kitchen floor. Moving too fast for anypony to follow what she was doing, Lightning Dust deftly emptied the small vial of pepper extract into the bowl of soup before quickly getting out of the way of the server coming to collect the order.

“Heh, and now all I have to do is sit back and watch the fireworks,” Lightning Dust cackled quietly to herself. “With an emphasis on ‘fire’. We’ll see how interested this Prince Blueblood is in that overrated wannabe when she’s running around the restaurant making a scene.”

*********

“You know, I never realized how detailed and meticulous the Wonderbolt’s pre-flight preparations were,” Prince Blueblood said as he stared at Rainbow Dash with a dreamy expression on his face.

“Yeah…um…hey look, our foods here,” Rainbow Dash said after a nervous pause, glad for the chance to change the subject. As much as Rainbow Dash enjoyed talking about herself, it didn’t seem to be having the desired effect on Prince Blueblood. Rainbow Dash was running out of things to talk about hat were both tangentially related to her and mind-numbingly boring. Thankfully, in addition to being eye-wateringly expensive, the soup Rainbow Dash had ordered offered a new avenue of attack. While Rainbow Dash’s initial plan had been to simply grab a random spoon and start slurping away, the situation now called for more drastic measures. “Mmm, man this smells good,” Rainbow Dash said as the soup was placed in front of her. “Welp, time to dig in!” With that, Rainbow Dash lifted the bowl to her muzzle and noisily slurped down a mouthful of its contents.

Years ago, when Rainbow Dash had still been in flight school, she had once taken a sip of liquid rainbow on a dare. Upon consuming her soup, that rainbow was promptly demoted to only the second spiciest thing she had ever consumed. “Yeeaugh!” Rainbow Dash screamed in pain as she tossed the bowl away, splattering Prince Blueblood with the contents.

“What in Celestia’s name has gotten into you?” Prince Blueblood demanded as he watched Rainbow Dash desperately empty every liquid within hoof’s reach into her mouth. Curiously, Prince Blueblood levitated his soup spoon and scraped a bit of the soup that had landed on his plate before gingerly tasting it. “Gah! Oh, no wonder you reacted like that!” Prince Blueblood said as he spat out the soup in disgust. “Manager! I demand to speak with the manager of this establishment at once!”

Moments later a portly, well-dressed earth pony mare stepped forward and approached Prince Blueblood. “Pardon me, your highness, I’m Tasting Menu, the owner of this restaurant. Is there something the matter that I can help you with?”

“You can start by finding some way to apologize for attempting to poison my companion!” Prince Blueblood roared. “Somepony has clearly adulterated her soup with some sort of hot sauce. I demand that the culprit be found and punished immediately.”

“Yes, of course, I’ll look into this right away. And of course there will be no charge for you meal,” Tasting Menu added.

“And I presume I can send you my dry cleaning bill as well?” Prince Blueblood asked haughtily.

Tasting Menu winced slightly. “We’ll take care of that as well.”

“Splendid,” Prince Blueblood replied, brightening considerably. “Now then, I think it would be best if we were moved to a different table. This one needs to be cleaned up somewhat.”

*********

“It’s a self-grooming spell, not nearly equal to a proper trip to the spa but it works well enough in an emergency,” Prince Blueblood droned on as he and Rainbow Dash headed towards Ponyville’s Amphitheater. “I made a point of learning it after my initial encounter with your dressmaker acquaintance. It took me months to get the hang of it, but clearly it was time well spent.”

“Uh huh,” Rainbow Dash replied without much enthusiasm. Not only had the disaster at dinner failed to dampen Prince Blueblood’s interest in her, but Rainbow Dash’s mouth was still smoldering from whatever had been added to her soup. “And the worst part is now I can’t even get Blueblood to shut up!” Rainbow Dash thought to herself. “I’m just going to have to try even harder once we get to the concert.”

Mercifully, it was a fairly short walk to the Ponyville Amphitheater, limiting the length of time Rainbow Dash had to listen to Prince Blueblood expound upon his spa preferences. Unfortunately, that was hardly the only topic of conversation Prince Blueblood was capable of. “Ugh, this is where they’re holding the concert?” Prince Blueblood snorted in disgust. “I can’t say I was expecting all that much to begin with, but this place looks like it would be a more appropriate venue for a school play than a proper concert.”

“Princess Celestia thought it was find when she helped us put on a play for her onesversary,” Rainbow Dash pointedly retorted.

Prince Blueblood quickly began sputtering and clearing his throat before muttering something under his breath about Princess Celestia’s graciousness. As Prince Blueblood and Rainbow Dash took their seats, Rainbow Dash readied her opening weapon for this part of the evening; a nice crinkly bag of extra crunchy pretzels.

Meanwhile, as the concert started, a pair of golden eyes angrily stared down at Rainbow Dash. “Look at her! She’s actually eating pretzels during the concert. What the hay does a stallion like that price see in a mare like her anyway? I should be the pony being swept off my hooves by royalty. I’m better looking than Rainbow Dash, I’m a better flier than Rainbow Dash and unlike her I actually know how behave in public!” Lightning Dust tore away a chunk of the cloud she was resting on with her teeth in frustration. “For Celestia’s sake, she’s almost as bad as her stupid hick parents.” Pausing for a moment to take a deep breath and calm herself, Lightning Dust felt a wicked grin spread across her features. “Well, if heating things up wasn’t enough to throw a wrench into her date, then maybe I should try cooling things down instead. I’ll bet getting soaked by a storm cloud would be enough to put a damper on Rainbow Dash’s little romance.” Cackling to herself, Lightning Dust flew off to find a sufficiently waterlogged cloud.

Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, was cheerfully oblivious to the machinations of her one-time rival overhead. “Man, those were some good pretzels,” Rainbow Dash declared before belching loudly as she crumpled up the empty bag. To Rainbow Dash’s delight her behavior seemed to be having the desired effect on Prince Blueblood, who appeared distinctly uncomfortable. “I almost feel kinda bad for him,” Rainbow Dash thought to herself. “But this is his own fault for not taking a hind before. Alright, time for phase tow; Operation act like mom does at everything I’ve ever done. Ever.”

The resultant sounds of Rainbow Dash cheering carried up into the night sky, where they proceeded to further enrage her stalker. “And now she’s yelling like an idiot. Seriously, what was Spitfire thinking accepting somepony like that into the Wonderbolts instead of me?” Lightning Dust let out an angry snort as she lined up a rumbling storm cloud with the object of her ire. “At least watching Rainbow Dash get soaked by this thing should put me in a better mood. Now, all I have to do is shove it just hard enough…” Lighting Dust backed away from the storm cloud before suddenly charging straight for it to knock it towards her target. Unfortunately, as she approached the storm cloud it choose that moment to strike out with a bolt of lightning. The sudden shock sent Lightning Dust tumbling out of control, turning what was supposed to have been a relatively precise push into a full on body check, sending the cloud hurtling towards the concert audience.

All of this had gone largely unnoticed by Rainbow Dash, however, who was focused on performing a one-pony wave. “Whoo! Oh yeah! You play that cello!” Rainbow Dash yelled out, drawing disapproving glares from everypony present. Even Prince Blueblood himself was clearly straining to keep himself from saying something. “This is awesome! If I can just push a little further I think I’ll finally be rid of Blueblood for good,” Rainbow Dash thought. “I kinda feel sorry for the ponies on stage, though. Good thing I already talked with Pinkie Pie about getting them all apology treats when this is finished.”

“Um, pardon me, Rainbow Dash,” Price Blueblood said hesitantly as Rainbow Dash drew in her breath for another round of cheering. “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but perhaps you should – LOOK OUT!”

Confused, Rainbow Dash turned her head to see the rogue storm cloud bearing down on them. Without a moment’s hesitation, Rainbow Dash rocketed out of her seat towards the approaching threat, shedding her dress in the process. Rainbow Dash impacted the cloud with a thud which was immediately followed by a muffled explosion as a sonic rainboom ripped the cloud to pieces. As Rainbow Dash brushed herself off she paused to revel the appreciative cheers of the audience. At least, until Rainbow Dash’s ears picked out the cheers of one particular admirer.

“Did you see that? Oh glorious champion of my heart, you’re bravery truly knows no limits,” Prince Blueblood loudly gushed, much to Rainbow Dash’s horror.

*********

“You know, I have to admit to Everfree Forrest does have a certain, what’s the term Fancy Pants is so fond of, ‘rustic charm’. It simply can’t compare to the Royal Gardens in Canterlot, of course, but still,” Prince Blueblood said as he trotted down the path next to Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash, however, wasn’t listening to a word Prince Blueblood was saying. Instead, most of Rainbow Dash’s attention was focused on the section of the path they were approaching that skirted a massive mud hole. “Ok, so once we walk by the mud I’ll ‘trip’ and knock us both in. Then, when Blueblood complains I’ll make fun of him for being a wimp,” Rainbow Dash thought to herself, cackling softly as she plotted.

“I’m sorry, did you say something?” Prince Blueblood said, shaking Rainbow Dash back to reality.

“Oh, no, I was just…thinking back to my time at the Wonderbolts Academy,” Rainbow Dash replied quickly with the first thing that popped into her head.

“Ah, a sudden bout of nostalgia for the past?” Prince Blueblood said knowingly. “I can understand that. Even when you’ve reached heights that other, lesser ponies can only dream of it can still be enjoyable to reflect on past successes. Why, I can still recall the thrill of being voted as having the most brilliant smile in Equestria,” Prince Blueblood added as he gave Rainbow Dash a demonstration.

“Just keep him talking, only a few more feet to go,” Rainbow Dash thought. “Well, I was the top recruit at the Wonderbolt Academy. By the time I was finished with that place I had broken pretty much every record they had.” As Rainbow Dash boasted she eyed the approaching mud hole, adjusting her pace so she’d be in an optimal position to knock into Prince Blueblood. “Basically, I was pretty much the best recruit the Wonderbolts ever had.”

“That’s it!” an enraged voice thundered out from overhead. Moments later, a sea foam green blur plummeted down from the sky, crashing into Rainbow Dash and sending her sprawling into the mud. “Like hay you were the best recruit at the academy! I was the best! And if it wasn’t for you I’d already be a Wonderbolt!”

Dazed form the impact, Rainbow Dash pulled herself out from under her assailant and turned to take a look at her. “Wha – huh? Lightning Dust, is that you?”

“My darling, are you alright?” Prince Blueblood called down as he paced along the edge of the path, not wanting to descend into the mud himself. “Do you actually know this ruffian?”

“Darn right she does! I was the top recruit at the Wonderbolt Academy until Rainbow Dash here somehow convinced Spitfire to kick me out. Ever since then, Rainbow Dash has been scheming to keep me out of the Wonderbolts because she knows if I joined everypony would see how much better I am!”

“What? That’s crazy, I never did anything to keep you out of the Wonderbolts,” Rainbow Dash yelled.

“Oh yeah? Then explain why I got rejected by the Wonderbolt Reserves?” Lightning Dust demanded. “Or do you expect me to believe that the Wonderbolts would have turned down somepony like me just because of some lousy history test.”

“Hey, being able to pass the History of the Wonderbolts test is important so you can properly represent their history,” Rainbow Dash countered with rising anger. “And what the hay are you even doing in Ponyville anyway?”

“It was bad enough knowing you were a Wonderbolt instead of me, but then I heard you were actually dating a prince!” Lightning Dust snapped.

“Wait a minute,” Prince Blueblood said as he gingerly stepped of the path towards the two mares. “I believe I’m beginning to see what’s going on here. The dress, the soup, the incident at the concert, it all makes so much sense now.”

“Yeah, no kidding –“

“This entire evening has been a complete farce that you concocted with this former associate of yours in a misguided effort to impress me!” Prince Blueblood declared as he pointed an accusing hoof at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash said nothing in response, merely tilting her head to one side as she tried and failed to comprehend Prince Blueblood’s leaps in logic.

“It’s all so obvious in hindsight, I’m honestly embarrassed that I didn’t put it together sooner. First, there was the display at the restaurant, clearly an attempt to garner sympathy for yourself. Then, you try and impress me at the concert with some staged heroics. That bit was very convincing, by the way, although I’m certain nopony was ever in any real peril. Now I don’t know what your plan was for our little stroll here, but it would appear that your boasting had derailed your plans.” Prince Blueblood snorted with disdain. “Frankly, I’m rather shocked you’d resort to such tactics.”

While a dumbfounded Rainbow Dash stood staring at Prince Blueblood in confusion, Lighting Dust quickly stepped forward. “You’re absolutely right, that’s exactly what was going on. I didn’t want to, of course, but Rainbow Dash offered to get me a position with the Wonderbolts…” As Lightning Dust spoke, she shot an evil glance back at Rainbow Dash.

“I did what?” Rainbow Dash protested. “I never said – I mean I’d never do something like that!” Rainbow Dash sputtered unable to choose which of Lightning Dust’s claims she wanted to dispute first.

Prince Blueblood, however, didn’t appear to be listening. “Miss Dash, I’m afraid it has become painfully clear that you’re not the mare that I thought you were. As much as it truly hurts me to say this, I don’t believe that a relationship would work out between us.”

“Look on the bright side, your highness, I’m sure a handsome stallion like you won’t have any problems finding a mare who’s worth your time,” Lightning Dust cooed.

Prince Blueblood looked down at Lightning Dust with an appraising look in his eye. “Perhaps that’s true. Tell me, are you from around here by any chance?”

Lightning Dust snorted in response. “This dump? Please, Ponyville is so backwards they still have dirt roads for Celestia’s sake!”

“Finally, somepony who understands!” Prince Blueblood exclaimed laughing. “I mean I realize farm ponies are infatuated with dirt but proper paving exists for a reason.” Both Prince Blueblood and Lightning Dust burst out laughing at this remark. As their laughter finally died down, Prince Blueblood found himself staring into Lightning Dust’s eyes. “Miss Dust, would I be too forward if I were to ask you to accompany me back to the inn where I’m staying. It’s hardly up to the standards of the establishments one would find in Canterlot, but it would at least give you someplace to clean up.”

“Too forward?” Lightning Dust replied with a laugh. “Are you kidding? I love it when a stallion’s forward, it saves time getting to the good parts.” Flicking her tail at Rainbow Dash, Lightning Dust allowed a deeply blushing Prince Blueblood to lead her back to the road. As Lightning Dust started to trot off, however, she pause to turn her head and stick her tongue out at Rainbow Dash before hurrying to catch up with Prince Blueblood.

Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, stood alone in the mud trying to process the sheer illogic of what had just happened. “So, I managed to get rid of Blueblood…who looks like he’s now head over hooves for Lightning Dust…who apparently was trying to get some sort of revenge on me for some reason,” Rainbow Dash pondered out loud. After spending a minute or two more mentally unraveling the night’s events, however, Rainbow Dash concluded that she didn’t particularly care at this point. “The important thing is that I managed to get Blueblood to stop trying to romance me. And besides, he and Lighting Dust kinda deserve each other.”

Comments

[spitdash25]

lol love it but is this the end of the story