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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice.
9314120
Yay
This story is getting worse as time moves forward. Usually, I can wait out an author and see actual progress with their works. With your work, however, I don't see much improvement from earlier chapters showing me that you are not trying to better yourself at all. Your work feels like you took a dump in a hole filled paper bag and gave it away as a gift to your dying relative. I'm done, you need to put in some real elbow grease into your life before you can fix this.
9314223
Ok I guess? I don't really know where I did wrong truthfully I'm trying my best here to get the readers a good story but I don't really see where the errors lays. My editor is helping me through this too. Can you point out what's wrong about this chapter? The pace, the dialogue, the personalities the battle or all of the above?
9314238
All of the above. The pacing is off, the dialogue is almost incomprehensible, and the personalities are deep enough for character but not deep enough for development. And the battles can be hard to follow because of the first two reasons.
All In all a good story but you should really work on how you fraise your sentences.
9314238
Perhaps you are trying to learn from what I can infer from that reply. The thing is, this story failed right from the get-go. First things first, you need to read more. Click Browse (top right, don't select anything) then change the Order to Ratings and search, read the first hundred stories. And don't just read, but ask questions, review what was said and check for double meanings (those are fun) just to list a few things.
"They evolve, so they could survive better and better"
Never use "better and better" the same word twice in one sentence is considered lazy and dull. Besides that, the sentence itself has a weird taste to it. One thing is just to leave it as "They evolve, so they could survive" but something better would be just "They evolve and adapt". But, this is a terrible answer to the question. Even the question is awful, doesn't make a whole lot of sense and comes out of the blue.
"He just looked me in the eyes, with those yellow and red eyes" (eyes, eyes... twice. Remember my previous point?)
This just gives everything away and should be removed. The synopsis should not be a story itself but just a summary of a summary that has no conclusion. Also, this doesn't flow too well, too much fluff and could be rewritten as "Staring into my eyes..." even then, that needs more work.
The random new lines after "and said" is really pissing me off. Take some time to write the synopsis because that is what will draw readers to you. Next, you should remove the red coloring and just have a [ br] (line break) between the synopsis and your section.
"because I hate myself"
A form of torture is to tell the person one thing over and over again until they believe it. Don't do this, you'll live a better and happier life. "English is not my first language but I want to improve and become the best version of myself", don't degrade yourself, there is a reason why people in comedy that always joke and make fun about themselves end up quitting. Remain realistic but think positively. (put a space before and after parenthesis)
There is a reason why you got featured. Your relatively high chapter upload rate at the time, the image has a little part in it and probably the biggest factor is the Prototype tag. It seems that many people—including myself—love Prototype, probably because of some of the stories that have the crossover in them are really good.
One thing you want to focus on is the characters, action scenes are easy but dialogue that adds to the characters is difficult. If you learn how to fight with words, your writing will greatly improve. Psychology is something that you want to delve into too because it explains how characters act in different situations. Your grammar is ok enough to make a decently good book but because you can't see the subtext to all text your writing loses meaning.
Also, please don't use swear words, they make you sound stupid if used too many times, so really, you might as well just avoid them. They are akin to capslock, it only works if you have a very good understanding of it.
9314560
I see... Well thanks for pointing out the errors and for suggesting some way to improve myself. Very appreciated.
9314557
Thank you too for your input about the story.
It does really need a lot of editing, but it's an interesting idea. I'll check back later.
Video file:
9482251
Oh... uh... hi?
9486824
My bad, I saw EDITED beside the chapter name and so I figured that's what the description was referring to. Sorry about the misunderstanding.
9490922
Statement: Well considering that America had citizens trying to destroy it it was fairly easy.
9490931
Dunno if I should be crying or laughing about this....
9491205
Statement: This unit was angry at it.
9491237
It is our duty to preserve it!
9554159
I will send a doc. XD
9556193
Ah okay. Still, it’s an amazing upgrade from it is now and I gotta say it’s much better than it was before. It still had some mistakes, but they were minute and easy fixes.
9556193
Also, I noticed you kept seitching between present and past tense. I tried to fix all I spotted, but some I couldn’t touch without re-writing the whole paragraph.
9593300
Yep. I still don't know why this story makes so many fav and views... I still believe it hasn't earned them at all. It's cringey my God what I wrote... In any case I'm working on rewriting it... Why the hell am I writing this in a reply to a comment about an error in a chapter on a single word?!
9593362
Because insanity is a thing and your doing something not insane by doing something different rather than something the exact same which is insane
9612491
Why hello there Vaas. ;) Thanks for your words!
9612491
Reading this hurts my brain.
Oh dear.