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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Just stop buffing Sunset, the main character needs to stand out in power because right now Sunset is technically stronger then him. Basically he isn't special right now.
8714470
The everfree act isn't finished yet , Sunset will need those powers, and also the main character is more powerful than Sunset. Just because she have magic doesn't mean she is incredibly powerful
Overall I enjoy the story, but the the pacing is too fast. There's no build up to any of the upgrades or the love interest. Needs more exposition.đź‘Ž
Can't wait for the next chapter!!!
8714762
I understand your motivation but still, remember that this is my first story XD anyway thanks for your constructive comment it will be helpful for the next chapters
8714812
And I can't wait to make someone else happy with my story by releasing more chapters
two things
1) here a group of soldiers were awaiting me.
2) its kinda confusing to just say “soldiers” considering he's fighting an army, I’d suggest “my dodgers” or just “Changelings” there
with
hers
you should erase the last part considering that the next sentence is literally her saying that exact thing.
adapts
head
the hairs length
looks
“of” instead of “on the”
your version of the wip fist can shoot projectiles so I’m just going to leave this here. orig00.deviantart.net/b33f/f/2011/278/b/1/time_off__threading_the_arrow_by_explosivegent-d48df1h.png https://explosivegent.deviantart.com/art/Time-Off-Threading-the-Arrow-255927653
I’m hoping for her to bring back the Muscle Mass ability its kinda useless in the games but it would work well against a large number of targets in a city or anywhere else with lots of things to throw.
I'm just going to say this now, avatar style lava bending and/or ken style flaming punches and hadoukens.
transferred
lightning
I can't help but think of Magica 2 and how what is essentially the same spell can have Wildly varying outcomes depending on the type of magic put in it.
I don't expect you to watch the whole thing but my advice is to skip around for inspiration.
deadlier
Not only did I lose the Elements
take
get
coats
we will all die
Damn
streaks
it’s
erase the “a”
type
that entire sentence is clunky I’d try ”have an extremely sharp sword or an enchanted one forget specifically for cutting through it.
everything
ordered
O the Ursa can talk?
why, I’m not complaining but there wasn't anything in the show to even suggest this and the scene wasn't enhanced by him talking in fact it would have been better if he didnt and just started eating changelings because he's a bear they just do shit like that. If he was just a normal animal (mentally) then it could have just started off as an attempt to scare the ursa away but then it could have escalated by it attacking mercer resulting in the broken leg and then the fight would be between mercer and a rampaging giant destroying sections of the forest as the fight continued. But with him talking it just kinda came off as “I want to prove mercers strength to the changelings but I don't want him to kill anything without good reason, so I guess I'll just make a being super evil so there's no sympathy needed.”
erase the away
devouring
I don't know what “capient and productive core,” is supposed to mean.
erase the “with me”
foliage
Yay my crappy OC made it in... I still prefer Primal Scent but thank you either way
My suggestion is for her to just say ( she’s in the kitchen.)
I don't even know what that last part is supposed to mean.
making sure
found
mystery
watched
except
all of you names don't worry,
Rainbow
“I’m” instead of “me”
I just noticed a dalema here for them to be used to their full potential in the story they'd have to grow up fast (or for there to be a time skip) because I don't believe mercer would give them too many responsibilities or send them on missions when there still kids but if they grow into adults(or tenagers or whatever there supposed to be in the series) then it would ruin their dynamic with derpy or at least change it .
Loud
outfits
Rainbow
sleeveless
all
details
erase the “of”
One last thing I’ve had this idea involving a shapeshifter for awhile you might find it useful. Ok so if mercer finds any higher ranking military or public figures willing to switch sides and he needs to fake their death he could just transform into a large creacher and “eat” them in a crowded or public area, they'd be kept in his stomach unharmed and no one would question there death other than “What the hell was that thing?”.
8714907
1) thanks for spotting those errors.
2)sorry for that sentence I know you are cursing me for that.
3) don't worry about the relations between the girls, it's all covered
4) I needed the Ursa to talk because the plot asked so.
5) yes your OC made it yay
6) thanks for your suggestions and ideas
8714995
the one with derpy or the one about the swords?
wait my insane rant about that was right? Damn this is a hollow victory.
8715402
The one with Derpy :D
And no, the Ursa wasn't there to show off Mercer's abilities it had another role....
8714762
I honestly think it's fine a how it is the pacing is not slow and personally I never cared about relationships
Star wars?
MAGIC BONER CONFIRMED!
8760719
AH! MAGIC BONER!! THAT'S FUNNY!!
I hummed a bit before retorting. "Execute order sixtysix." His eyes widened. "The entire facility will be destroyed and sent into the void. Now go."
Oh shit
RUN JEDI RUN!!!
Barracks, rubble, punctuation corrections in green. Spelling mistakes or punctuation mistakes in red.
magical
rivers
these
Remove “More” altogether.
Everything.
Squeaked.
I had to edit this like seven times to find all the mistakes, and even then I missed some. I marked them with red so they’re easy to see and correct. Hopefully this helped!
9553777
Thank you kindly for your work much appreciated!
YES YOU CAN You have the mamres so you can make a new body and give it the mamres
media.tenor.com/aV4WLxmoZbEAAAAM/spongebob-smirk.gif