During a hot summer day, Cadence surprises the citizens of Ponyville by taking a visit to their small town. Twilight is quick to drop everything and devote her day to making Cadence's visit as great as possible. Not everything goes according to plan.
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Congratulations on your first story! Some things I noticed:
Your noun capitalization is erratic. Names and such are of course required, but "Purple Alicorn" is not a proper noun and should probably be lower-case. "Purple" definitely should, but there is a bit of confusion on tribe names, probably not helped by the fact that most spellcheckers will ding "pegasus" as a word in need of capitalization because it originally was a proper noun that we've coopted for our own purposes. Regardless of the above, "lemonade stand" is definitely and unambiguously in need of lower-case.
Check tense here:
"Is" and "wants" are both present tense in a past-tense setting. I know this is what Twi is thinking in the moment, so she's thinking in the present tense, but traditionally reporting what the character is actually literally saying to themselves only works if the dialogue is offset with quotation marks or italics. In the case of "inner monologue," italics are preferred. If you choose not to indicate the words as being the character's literal speech, they should be in the same tense as the rest of the narration.
It's hard to comment on higher-level issues since this story is just starting. Not sure if this is going to be a sensory-focused slice of life with no major character journey, or if instead people are going to be learning lessons and such. Thanks for sharing your work, and I'd encourage you to keep it up!
8361263
Thanks for taking the time to leave a response. It means a lot. To be honest, I've always been inconsistent with capitalization. I'm going to focus more on getting it right in the next chapter and I may go back and fix it in the first chapter. The story hasn't really been planned out. I have the basic structure in my head, but that's all. I'm going to brainstorm ideas and begin writing the second chapter. Thank you for leaving your criticism
8363621
No problem! Glad to hear that it's progressing.